Post # 1
Hi everyone! I’ve just started planning my wedding for late 2012 and have been reading the boards a lot but this is my first post. As I rough out a guest list there is something I’m struggling with and I hope you all can give me some perspective.
First, I admit that one of my major character flaws is I’m not good at keeping in touch with people. I’m an introvert with low social needs and I’m basically content to catch up with people infrequently. For my friends who are local it’s easier because we make regular “dates” to catch up over dinner/drinks, but that’s not possible with old friends who live in different states. There are a couple I feel I haven’t connected with as often as I should and a few I flat out haven’t talked to in years. Maybe it’s silly for me to even call the latter “friends” at this point but these people are still important to me and I really do want to reestablish contact with them. (Of course not staying in touch is a two-way street, but certainly I haven’t done my part.)
I should add that I’m not on Facebook…just never had an interest, which puts me far out of the mainstream in today’s social networking climate. (I’m in my early 30s, FYI.)
So…I’m planning a destination wedding (in the U.S.), so the guest list will naturally be smaller…no co-workers and things like that. I don’t know what to do about these old friends I’ve sort of lost touch with, some of whose weddings I attended years ago. I feel like just sending them a save-the-date card out of the blue would be weird, but it would also be kind of silly to pretend like I just thought to get in touch with them for no particular reason when I happen to be putting together a guest list for my wedding. I should point out that these old friends all live in different parts of the country so the fact that it’s a destination wedding doesn’t make it more inconvenient for them to attend than it would be otherwise.
I’m thinking of calling/emailing them and saying basically, “It’s crazy we haven’t talked in so long…starting to plan my wedding has made me think about old friends I’ve lost touch with, and the importance of not letting people you care about slip out of your life” (or words to that effect)…basically being honest about the fact that the wedding thing is a catalyst for getting back in touch. And then (assuming they are receptive) inviting them. I just hate the thought that if I do get back in touch with them down the line (after the wedding), it’ll be like, “Oh by the way I got married (and didn’t invite you!)”.
Have you been in this position from either the side of the bride wondering whether to reach out to old friends or the old friend who has been reached out to? Or maybe you’ve been the old friend who wasn’t invited and felt hurt (or just fine)? Thanks so much for your thoughts and experiences!
Post # 3
I’m in the same boat. I have a group of my best friends from high school that I contemplate inviting, but when we all went off to college we sort of drifted apart. Now they live all over the state or country and even though I have tried, they haven’t responded to me when it comes to catching up. so no, they will not be invited.
If I were to be invited to one of their weddings, I would feel very weird about receiving an invite out of the blue and I would probably not go to be honest. I have nothing in common with them anymore, ya know?
However, if you did decide that you wanted to invite them, I think that the email is a great idea!
Either way, it’s up to you and your Fiance and what you 2 would be happy with! Good luck! 🙂
Post # 4
I invited “old friends” that I grew up with, the type that you talk to after years and it’s like nothing has changed. However, there are friends I had (really good friends in college for instance) that we chose not to invite because we already have a lot of people. My rule was if I or my Fiance haven’t talked to them in the past year, then we don’t need to invite them. I don’t think feelings would be hurt if you have seriously lost touch. It’s not like your wedding is the best place to reconnect anyway since it’s not like they’d get one on one time with you.
Post # 5
I’m not at all good at keeping in touch with people, but I figure that after not talking for a while, they’re going to assume you’re only inviting them because you want gifts. It always seems like people I know are complaining that “they only talk to me when they want something…”
So I won’t be inviting people I don’t talk to somewhat regularly.
Post # 6
I actually just recently got in touch with an old friend from grade school and high school via facebook. For some reason i thought of her the other week and decided to look her up on FB. college made up slip apart as well as some other various lifestyle choices she made. ANYWAY, i looked her up and found her.
We swapped a few emails about what was new in our lives. The wedding obviously came up in mine. and she said “I know we have lost touch, but i better be invited to your wedding” all in good thoughts though. So, im inviting her now. IM so busy im sure we wont be able to catch up before the day. So im excited to see her finally after about 6 years!!
I think its great to invite old friends if you have the room!!! 🙂
Post # 7
I think that what you’re planning to say in your email is a great way to reconnect. Some may be receptive, and some may not be, but at least you would have put it out there (which, in my opinion, would be better than what you said about getting back in touch with them down the line and having an “Oh by the way I got married (and didn’t invite you!)” moment). Of course, this is all based on the fact that you said that these people are important to you and you would want to reestablish contact with them anyway.
Post # 8
I think the important thing for you to think about is who do you WANT at your wedding. Like, are these old friends people you would be really disappointed to not have at your wedding? Or would the day be fine without them? Personally, I wouldn’t use my wedding to rekindle friendships.
Also, I’ve had several old friends get married without inviting me. I never felt hurt about not being invited. I think most people would feel the same.
Post # 9
Thanks for your thoughts everyone! The people I’m thinking of are the types that you can not talk to for a couple years and then pick right back up. They’re not people I’ve grown apart from – just people I’ve fallen out of touch with, if that distinction makes sense. I will definitely not be inviting old (“former” is probably a better word) friends I grew apart from after college and have no desire to reconnect with. Only people I hope to continue to have a relationship with in the long-term.
It’s a good point that you don’t get much chance to socialize with people at your own wedding, so it’s not the ideal place to reconnect. I guess I’m struggling with the feeling that not reaching out/inviting them will be a sort of “nail in the coffin” that confirms we aren’t really friends anymore when I would still like to be. Weddings sure do stir up a lot of issues!!
Post # 10
I like how you’re planning to word your mail, it’s a good way to reconnect and that way you can only invite those who reply.
I’m not inviting old friends, we’re having a just-family-and-close-friends wedding and our closest friends will be there.
Post # 11
Ok, we justed moved to a new city and state a few months ago (which is like 2000 miles away from everyone) and we decided to have our wedding in this new city and state. So this is pretty much a Destination Wedding for about 85% of our guest. At first we was being selective on who to invite then we realzied its a Destination Wedding and if they are willing to spend over $1200 per couple to come to our wedding then they got an invite. We invited over 80 Out of Town guest but in the end we know they all won’t come. We already heard from people saying they won’t be able to make it. (Keep in mind our wedding is in Oct 2012). But in the end, we felt no one can be upset they didn’t get an invite. So we invited a few HS/College friends that we only keep in touch with on FB. So far only 1 friend from HS said she is planning on saving and coming. So it kind of worked out in the end. Good luck.
Post # 12
You sound exactly like me, with losing touch with people and having low social needs (nice phrase, BTW). I even lose touch with people in the same area. 🙁
Anyway, I’m inviting some of these old friends, and sent them an email first (also a good way to make sure you have the right address). They’re hoping they can make it, which is awesome, I’d love to see them. I was disappointed when I didn’t get wedding invites from some of these older friends, but I understood. I would have been delighted to have been invited, though, even if we had lost contact.
Post # 12
I love this post! Reviving! I think it points out one of the very very gray areas when it comes to guest lists. I am struggling with this myself right now, as we get closer to our wedding. Any bees have any thoughts on this?
Post # 13
I was in exactly that predicament 7 years ago when I was planning my wedding. I thought that inviting old friends from a previous town I lived in, but hadn’t had much contact with in a few years would be a good way to rekindle those friendships. I also invited some newer friends who I was just getting to know in my new town, thinking this would be a good way to affirm my friendships with them. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Interesting, they all came to my wedding, independently none even got us a card (we said “no gifts” but I didn’t think that meant no cards, whole different topic, I know), and none ever extended themselves to us, even when I contacted them to say I’m going to be visiting their area. Having them at my wedding only made me feel badly about them and my judgement and I didn’t want to make the mistake again of reaching out to them. And these were people in thier 40’s and 50’s!
Eglantine – how did it turn out? Were you glad you invited the old friends? Did it rekindle things?