Post # 1
…or rather, not inviting people. My mother mentioned the wedding in front of people of work and now there are people I don’t know who are on my guest list. These people have not gotten a save the date, some of them invited themselves through her but have not spoken to me.
Currently my mother and I are at odds and she may or may not even be at the wedding. Am I still obligated to invite all these people who mean nothing to me, some of whom invited themselves, and are going to cost $150 bucks a head?
I’m not really sure about the etiquette so if any bees could help that would be great. Thanks in advance!
Post # 3
I understand if your parents are inviting close friends they’ve known for years… and hopefully you or your fiance are at least acquainted to them. But I’ve never understood inviting random coworkers or clients of your parents– I don’t care who is paying for the wedding!
This is not an opportunity to enterain random almost-strangers. It is a time for the people who know and love you and your family to celebrate a couple’s love. ESPECIALLY if your mom won’t be there, what’s the point? It is totally rude of people who just *hear* about the wedding to assume they’ll be invited.
Post # 4
@ItsPronounced_ABear: I agree. I’ve already (in my head) cut out several people but since we are estranged right now she doesn’t know it. My dad says cut whoever I want–just make the numbers work. What do you think about family members who I never see and who no one in the family likes?
My mother’s list included several uncles ex-wives and children whom I’ve never met. Thoughts on that?
Post # 5
@Ms. Polar Bear: Depending on who is paying for it, I say cut them. I read your post last night and especially after reading that, I’d only invite who you are comfortable with. The people your mom has verbally invited may be disappointed, but if they don’t know you then they will ultimately be upset with her when they don’t get an invite.
As for ex-family members, there is a very fine line. Personally, I have 2 “aunts” who are divorced but still a huge part of the family as a whole so they will be invited. But if yours aren’t a part of the family/only cause drama and problems, then I say no to them too.
Post # 6
@floridabride12: Yeah, I don’t think they would cause drama. Maybe I’ll just leave the family side alone and cut her friend list. I already deleted some people off my excel spread sheet and it is back within reasonable numbers. I think I’ll just leave family alone for the most part.
Post # 7
No need to invite them especially if she won’t be there. They will probably feel a bit awkward too. And they might think of the invite as a cash grab if they don’t know you. And let’s not forget that hosting weddings is EXPENSIVE. Do you really want to shed few extra $100s dollars for people you don’t even know!?
Post # 8
@Ms. Polar Bear: My personal opinion: if you don’t know them, don’t invite them.
As in, if neither you NOR your FI know the people, don’t invite them. Especially if you are paying for it and have been given leeway by your father.
What my FI and I did was make up a list of people (in excel) of who will be invited and how many are in that family (we’re including kids so we also have two columns including adult & children, respectively). Our parents aren’t getting any say because neither set is paying for anything.
I definitely think you’re on the right track by nixing your mom’s friends and going from there. 🙂 good luck!!!
Post # 9
especially since your dad is saying to cut them, cut them. i think as long as you stay on the same page as him (assuming he keeps being emotionally supportive to you), you’re good
Post # 10
@Ms. Polar Bear:
I was right on your side, until the moment I read the words “and are going to cost $150 a head”. I am forever getting “hooked” by this kind of thing — remember, I grew up in an era when polite people didn’t discuss business, and didn’t even MENTION money, in social circumstances. One never implied that there was a dollar value that could be placed on hospitality. So as soon as I read about money I instinctively react as I would to a commercial transaction, not a social one, where different “customers” ought all to have the same rights to equal treatment — and it doesn’t help, of course, that commercial enterprises like Disneyland and Tim Hortons insist on referring to their customers as “guests”, further confusing the two domains of commerce and society.
I’m going to get a grip now, and focus on everything you said prior to that fateful phrase.
These are people your mother knows from work: not friends but colleagues. Even if she is friendly with these people and gossips about social things (such as her daughter’s wedding), they are not social friends. Unless your mother engages with them socially outside of work — for example invites them or is invited to non-work-related dinners; plays cards on the weekend; they go to theatre together — then it is not appropriate to include them in social functions.
The fact that they have not received a “save the date” is not really relevant (formal traditional etiquette winces at the concept of “STDs”). You send an early pre-invitation social note (or, wince, STD) to the people whose presence you would sadly miss if they cannot come: there should be no expectation that everyone would receive such a note. So they should not be taking the fact that they did not receive STD, as notice that they are not going to be invited.
If your mother were hosting the wedding reception, then she could deal with any people who try to invited themselves through her. Since you are at odds I presume she is not hosting. Her responsibility to those people, then, is to introduce them to the hostess (presumably you) and after you are acquainted with them ask you to give them an invitation. If she is busy creating drama about whether not she will be at the wedding, she is also blowing off all the social credit she has to trade with you on their behalf.
So in short (id est, stopping short of your post’s third-last phrase): No, you have no social obligation to these people, whatsoever.