Weddingbee boards

I agree with you & the PP.

I think it's up to whoever is hosting the shower/tea to make this call. My mom is hosting a shower for me with a lot of her friends, some of whom are invited to the wedding and some of whom are not. These are almost all people who have known me since I was little (the church ladies!) and while my mom continues to have a relationship with them, I don't see them often.

Mom has stuck diligently to the guest list restrictions for the wedding itself, I'm letting her use her judgment for a shower she chooses to host.

Here at work we give showers all the time even though we know none of us are going to the coworker's wedding, and I don't feel there's any resentment. It's our way of congratulating the bride-to-be. We get a cake and everyone chips in $5-$10 bucks and we put together a basket of kitchen goodies or other smalls from her registry. It's social and fun.

I think it just depends on knowing your crowd. 

A sort of distant cousin pulled a similar stunt a couple years ago.  They had a small wedding and then a few months later, sent out invites that said, "Come celebrate the union of Mr&Mrs Jones at a come and go lunch and tea.  They are registered at Such&SuchAPlace."  I believe the bride's mother was upset that they didn't have a larger wedding, so planned this little "celebration", but wait! you should bring gifts, even though you and your family weren't invited to the big event in the first place!  We were fuming.  I was 20 at the time, 22 now and I was and would still be offended by any similar stunts.

I will add, though, I can understand having a reception type get-together if you're having a DW where not everyone can attend.

I am 28 and being invited to a "shower" "tea" or anything of the sort and not to the wedding is a total gift grab and extreamly rude.

@abbie017:  But what about the work situation, where we choose to throw the bride a shower on our own? SHE is not asking anything of us. It's OUR choice to host and purchase a gift.

Definitely rude.  I think the only time it's acceptable to have any sort of wedding-related party  where you invite people who won't be invited to the wedding is if you're having a DW and can only invite a small number of people, and in that case you should not ask for gifts at all- just tell them to come celebrate with you and make it clear that no gifts are expected.

ETA: Work-related showers or parties are also OK in my book, as long as there are no gifts or everyone gives <$20 towards one group gift.

@mandypop:  I think the "rude" thing is when the bride invites people to a shower she throws herself. That, to me, is saying "bring ME a gift." She's throwing a wedding, that's her gig to host. But my mom is not the hostess of my wedding. A shower is, in her circle, just a way to congratulate the bride and for everyone to get together and have a little party.

I stand by my original statement - you have to know your crowd. In my mom's circle it seems that this is perfectly acceptable. All the ladies do it for their daughters. They all have daughters getting married and they all know how hard it is to manage a wedding guest list. I leave this one up to mom.

@NDBee:  I don't think that would reflect poorly on you at all. You had the opportunity to meet people who are important to your fiance's family, you wrote your thank-you notes, and there you go. Good bride. You didn't throw the party yourself, someone else did it to honor you. You sound like you were a gracious guest of honor. 

@Lorelei:  " Whoever hosts the bridal tea or shower doesn't usually control who is on the guest list.  This comes from the bride, MOB, and MOG. "

I disagree with this just from MY experience. Anyone can throw a shower. Some of them are surprises! How would the bride control the guest list? Maybe it's just a regional or cultural thing, it sounds like we all have a lot of different social situations and there's nothing that's going to be right and wrong for EVERYBODY.

@Lorelei:  I don't think THAT should happen! No no no on the bride throwing a shower for herself. I said I thought that would be the rude thing.

@abbie017:  "Regardless, I was talking about the situation you described, with people you grew up with and have kept in touch with, and who are friends with your mom, being invited to come to a shower, but then basically told they aren't important enough to be invited to the actual wedding. "

I didn't say I kept in touch with them. I said my mom did.

I think her church ladies just like an excuse to have a party. :o)