- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
Yes, I know what Emily Post says about this. But I’m still having a hard time thinking clearly and would like impartial opinions. The whole situation involving this person has become a real mess (completely unintended on my part, and I’m thinking probably her part as well).
Here is the background.
After I told the bridesmaids to go ahead and pick their dresses, and let me know in March their measurements and dress style so I could order them, the reluctant bridesmaid e-mailed me to say that she couldn’t wear ANY of the dresses due to her religious requirements and that she wouldn’t be offended if I asked her to step down.
I was extremely upset over this, because I felt I was very clear that I wanted input on the dresses and the designer line (which she did not provide at all).
Much drama insued, where it eventually comes out that (from my perspective), she really could not afford to attend the wedding to begin with, as well as made some other wild assumptions (like having to have her dress fitted at a town 2 1/2 hours away, and that I was ordering the dresses in January).
I sent an e-mail to her a few weeks ago, where I said that I valued open communication and would have preferred that she had been clear with me regarding her concerns; she never said at any point that she was looking for help or alternatives. While the wedding is local to myself and my FI, we are staying at a hotel the weekend of the wedding because it’s almost an hour from our home. She never asked if she could stay at our house or borrow our car, and to be honest I really didn’t know her financial situation was so dire until she told me (because I can’t read minds).
She replied today and said that she and her husband had just decided to undergo IVF and that she didn’t make that decision to have an excuse to not attend (WTF?). She also said that she had to save every penny for the procedure and wouldn’t be able to attend, but she wants an invitation so that she can still send a gift, because “that’s what friends do”.
During the whole communication meltdown, I was already feeling conflicted on whether to invite her or not.
My FI and I already have a home that is “well-stocked”; we’ll probably register for fine china and some other house things but to be honest we’d much rather just celebrate with friends and have a good party. I’m not inviting people just to get presents, and it makes me feel uncomfortable that she’s pretty much implying that’s what will end up happening if I send her an invitation.
With her financial situation, I’d much rather just have her kind thoughts over a gift, but given how things have fallen into place I can tell that our perspectives on the world have really drifted apart and we view weddings and marriage very differently.
This whole interaction has turned into the complete anathema of what I intend my wedding and marriage to be. FI and I just want to have an intimate celebration of starting our lives together as husband and wife.