Inviting relatives just so they can say no?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I also want a small wedding.  We’re not even inviting cousins, or aunts/uncles who live far away and we know they won’t come.  If you invite people, you have to expect the possibility that they’ll say yes, so I’d err on the side of caution!

Post # 4
Member
6279 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

you need to tell FMIL that is these guests show up, she needs to pay for them.

Post # 5
Member
11740 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would not invite anyone you aren’t prepared to have show up.  We had a bunch of people I was sure wouldn’t come, and they did. 

Post # 7
Member
805 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

yes! my FI has a HUGE family and even though we had a limit of who we could invite him and his family still wanted to send invites to people even though we knew they couldnt come. his thoughts were that if they were invited they couldnt get mad. the exclusion is what makes people upset even if they dont plan on going. he has alot of family in puerto rico and panama that we know arent coming but i finally gave in and we invited everyone and of course people arent even responding. but i dont mind because im still getting my small wedding and he got his way of inviting people. didnt really make sense to me but now it does because they cant say we didnt try. good luck OP

Post # 8
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@icanhearyousmile:  You don’t invite them to the wedding.  You send them announcements after the wedding.  That is the common courtesy etiquette to inform family members of a wedding when you don’t have the space to invite them.  Inviting them may backfire if more than a few decide to actually attend.

Post # 10
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Both sides of my family are quite large and I am not very close to my dad’s side, but I felt we needed to invite all of them for etiquette’s sake and to not ruffle any feathers by leaving someone out (we had no easy cutoff such as adults only).  When it came to my parents’ friends though, the ones they claimed “just had to be there” no matter how much I emphasized our desire for family and close friends only, we worked out a deal for my parents to pay for each of their extra guests since FI and I had budgeted for a smalled guest count.  I felt terrible that my parents were being those pushy in-laws when FI’s parents chose not to take us up on the offer and respect our original plans.  Don’t assume that someone won’t come — several of our “guaranteed” nos actually RSVPed yes!  So be prepared to accomodate everyone who receives an invitation.

And although I don’t know your FI’s family dynamic, it sounds as though the non-invited don’t mean any harm by asking your FMIL about a “missing” invite, but I agree that it puts everyone in a very awkward position.  And not returning an RSVP is just rude (word of mouth doesn’t count).  Good luck sorting it all out!

Post # 11
Member
805 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@icanhearyousmile:  i understand how you feel, trust me. i have only met FI’s parents and sister once. i havent met anyone in his family so it will still be awkward for me. i dont have many people to invite so i felt like it was his family taking over. and making it more about them than us. but sometimes you gotta compromise…

Post # 12
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

Do not capitulate!!!  What if they call your bluff and show up?  It’s tough since your future ILs are paying, so maybe that’s why they think they have a say…and if you explain to them that it’s not in your budget they may think you’re asking for more money…

I think the easiest way to go is have your FI tell them (firmly) that he doesn’t like/hasn’t seen the rest of the people on the list so the two of you will NOT be inviting them.

Post # 13
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My GRANDFATHER did this to me, asked me to invite his 3 siblings and his Aunt (plus her husband who are both 90+) and GARUNTEED me that they would not be coming due to health issues… Guess who has 8 more people coming to her wedding that she has NEVER met before? This girl.. Lol I just have to laugh I guess, nothing I can do now 🙂

Post # 16
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@icanhearyousmile:  I invite my relatives in Russia to come here and do stuff even though I know they will say no. They get grumpy and scream at me in Russian if I don’t. Family politics are funsies.

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