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I would not bring it up, why attract attention? If any one brings it up, a simple reminder that it your daughters wedding and how excited she is to be surrounded by all her loved ones and how happy you are that all her family is attending. Hopefully that will set a tone that the wedding is a happy occasion for the wedding at hand, not a chance for guests to bring up the past and their own agendas.
Good Luck! People may talk, sounds like they already are. Hopefully they won't embarrass themselves in public with idiotic behavior.
FYI Ac-NY it's Malheurrose's wedding, not her daughter's. She's divorced.
Malheurrose,
That is a delicate issue. Glad I don't have to go there with my ex..It is assumed 1000% that he won't be at mine!~But to deal with this sticky situation, I would simply let my immediate relatives know that you're on good terms with him, that if he and his partner wish to come it is ok with you. That maybe they realize the day isn't about your ex and his preferences, but about you being happy.
I personally don't want any distractions on the day I marry. My ex and his ex will be nowhere near. I want no reminders of my past. But if you are able to see him there on your wedding day and have no residuals or lingering feeling or sentimentality (I just don't want anything to take away from YOUR day), then go for it.
Im inviting both of my divorced parents new SOs. In fact, my dad's new girlfriend came to my bridal shower. If you got remarried, wouldnt you be deeply offended if your daughter didnt invite the new hubby to the wedding? It seems that your real problem is that the new SO is same sex. While people may disagree with his lifestyle, thats their problem. If theyre uncomfortable, then they'll leave early. I would never step on my father's toes because I was concerned about what some aunt or cousin may think. Hopefully, they'll keep their opinions to themselves until after the wedding.
The guests really have no ground to bring up drama in this situation (which, sadly, its sounds like they will). This is your daughter's wedding and OF COURSE she wants her father there! It's great that you and your FI are totally on board with this and I am sure your daughter appreciates that.
I agree with ac-ny. Just a reminder that this is a wedding and a happy day and you, your daughter and her FI would very much appreciate it if no drama was brought up and things were kept friendly. Also, if you don't think that will do the trick, you could just remind them that they would be doing this for your daughter and that causing any drama would greatly hurt her. "Now, I know you wouldn't want to do that... right family?!?!"
It is not her daughter's wedding. It's hers. She is an encore bride and mom just as I am!
Why did your daughter want to invite him? Even if you two are still friendly and your FI is okay with the ex there, it might be best if he just wishes you well and doesn't come to the ceremony.
If you do indeed want him there, let your relatives know that this is his way of supporting you and your new marriage. Tell them flat-out that you expect them to be on their best behavior and there's no reason to start drama when he is there to support your new life and your daughter. I know, though, how sometimes it takes families longer to let go of an ex, and you'll need to see how best to handle potential drama.
I for one coparent with my x and I believe if Malheurrose wishes him there and if it's not going to cause any distraction or take away the focus of her day or if they're genuinely friends now and he ADDS to her joy, then so be it.
I have several friends who have divorced amicably and are great friends. I just don't happen to have that kind of relationship with my x.
I think it's depending on the relationship and how it's been over the years.
Agree that relatives should respect the bride, because it's HER day and they should just be happy in that everybody is happy and that love is surrounding them!
I think you should invite him if that is what you want.
Will you be worrying that someone in your family will say or do something to make him, his partner, you, or your daughter uncomfortable or offended? Maybe you could say something to your close relatives along the lines of, Ex will be attending the wedding. While I understand that some of our family do not agree with his lifestyle, I would appreciate that people concentrate on the joyous occasion of the day and not say or do anything to make me uncomfortable. Then, let word get around so that your family knows he is coming so they are not surprised.
On a side note, why is it that people who do not have a problem with alternative lifestyles are the ones who have to be careful of not offending those who do? I went to a wedding where the officiant went on and on about how marriage is between a man and a woman. But when I wanted to put something in our ceremony about how marriage should be for everyone, my fiance nixed it because he didn't want to offend his conservative family. I was offended by the wedding ceremony I mentioned above, but nobody worried about offending someone who supports gay marriage!
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Again, I think it's a personal choice and if the marriage is in a church or certain denomination it's according (and worded so) to their practices.
These days I think it's both sides having to somewhat be giving and understanding somewhat. Btw, not ALL conservatives believe marriage should only be between a man and a woman..
I think the other situation here is her family being ok with her ex being there. That might feel awkward for them. It would be for mine. Just because he's the ex and for nothing more than that. (not about lifestyle or religion or anything)
I think again, he should come if she wants him to as it's HER day and her family should just respect her and her wishes.
I would invite him and not say anything special about it to anyone. People are going to gossip whether you like it or not, but hopefully they will save it for after the wedding---unless you fear someone coming up to you and complaining about his presence, in which case I would say something beforehand. But I would not make it about his alternative lifestyle, but rather that he is your ex and you've invited him because your daughter asked that you do so.
congrats on your upcoming marriage!!!
Wouldn't life be great if us adults followed the lead of children? They are so loving and forgiving! It was wonderful to read that your daughter invited her dad and his partner. She is seeing first hand by your example-you are mom!!-on how to be forgiving, accepting and loving-no matter what. She will be a strong, incredible young woman someday. Makes me excited for the future!! Good job mom!! And great job on picking an amazing future husband and stepfather...they are hard to find.
Unfortunately, we cannot control our families or others. I wouldn't stress or waste one more minute on this. Just focus on your wedding plans, how beautiful you will be on your speacial day. Lean on your groom for support and continue co-parenting like you have been with your ex. Blending a family is not easy, I know!
Good luck..can't wait to see the pictures!
Oh my gosh bellenga, I didn't mean to offend you! I realize that not all conservatives are against gay marriage, it is his family specifically. Also, the programs at the wedding I mentioned contained the text of the ceremony, and the officiant deviated from the text. I've only become hyper-sensitive of this issue since I started planning my wedding.
Anyway, I didn't mean to take this thread away from the original purpose. Malhuerrose - I hope that your wedding day is wonderful and that your guests only add to your joy. Best wishes!
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It is your wedding not your families. If you and your FI feel comfortable with him being there then that is your business.
I don't think I could do this - BUT my X is still a jerk on a regular basis. Someone in my family might HURT him. Haha. I will however be invting some of his family and his sister is actually a bridesmaid. She and I have remained close and leave my X / Her brother out of it.
I feel like if I was in your situation, i'd have to be suppotive of my child. I would give the "troublemakers" or possible drama starters the head's up. Making sure that they understand this is your daughter's wish (and yours), to have her dad there - (that's what co-parenting is: mutual respect) SO they love you and your daughter and should respect that wish. No one says they have to speak to him or sit with him.
No offense taken at all. I have several friends who are gay and love is..love!!! I love my friends too! They're incredible people and one is one of the best dads I know.
I just want our good friend here to enjoy her day and have it for them be the best day ever!
I don't see why your family should have any say in it. My husband's exwife is now with a woman and she would have come to our wedding had we not eloped. Hell, the way I look at it is that I know 100% they aren't ever getting back together. :) Tell your family to shove it...in a nice way, of course!
whoops, missed some key parts there!
My advice is the same though: if you want him there, it's your wedding. I wouldn't bring it up. If anyone says anything, it's your wedding and you want to be surrounded by the people who are important in your life.
For a good laugh about this situation, check out the tv show absolutly fabulous. It is a british show. It has the same situation.
Not to say that you're like the main character, Edina. Though if you are, let's hang out!
Wow... I didn't think this would be such a hot topic... Um, wow. Thanks so much for the input. I'm also inviting several of the Out-laws (Ex's parents, sister and his family) so I'm hoping that they will all sort of stick together, maybe act as a buffer between the EX and my Brothers. But I think I'm going to just sit down with the family (especially the over protective, uber macho, homophobic brothers. Love 'em but can't stand 'em sometimes.) and lay it all out for them. It's our day, and we don't really don't need anyone raining down bad mojo on our parade.
Not their problem and her dad and partner should be there! He is your daughters father and he should be respected for just that reason. I am inviting my son's father, his parents and an aunt. Some people think its strange but, I love his mom and aunt and want them there and he should be invited because he is my son's dad. I would just explain to those who are not fond of his lifestyle that they need to get over it and it has no influence on their choices and only nieve people would think that they could influence a person like your son to become Gay! Sorry if that came off harsh just don't get people sometimes.
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My X will always be my daughter's father and while she is still wanting it, I encourage her to have a good relationship with him. She has asked if she can invite him and his current girlfriend to my wedding and I said yes. The chance of them actually flying the 3000 miles across the country to come. I just want to make sure that she knows what she wants is important to both of us and that we respect her relationship with her father.
Now, if he were abusive or hurtful toward her, then there would be no way in anything I would let him come much less be invited.
It's hard because we all have our own hurts from an X but sometimes you have to stop and think about kids and making them feel special on "our" day. It's a personal choice and decission and not one made lightly by some.
If you are worried about what other guests might say, talk to a few close friends and let them know your worries and they can fend off the people who may feel the need to make a big deal out of it.
Good luck!!
My ex and his sister will be at my wedding. And the idea that the situation should be different if he had a "lifestyle" family members didn't approve of is purely ridiculous. If family members didn't approve of interracial marriages, would you think you had to placate them by not inviting family members in such marriages?
I think if anyone questions him or his partner being there, you just say that you are so pleased that both of them wanted to be there for your special day, and leave it at that.
I would not tolerate it if my FI invited any ex to our wedding. If he needs her there, he doesn't need me. ;)
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Is anyone else doing this? My daughter invited her Dad and his partner, which is so totally cool with my and my FI. Ex and I are still good friends, BUT my family has major issues with his lifestyle. Ideas or thoughts on how to avoid drama?