(Closed) Irresponsible Fiancee/Cold feet?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Two thoughts:

1) If he’s in his last semester of grad school, he might be preoccupied with that and letting other things slide a little (which is pretty normal). So what seems like irresponsibility might change once he is finished school.

2) I have repeatedly found that if I start to ‘take over’ responsibilities for a lot of things, people around me (including my husband) stop thinking about those things because they assume I’ve got it taken care of. Then I get frustrated and start nagging, feeling like I’m the only person who cares about anything, and that the other person is irresponsible and immature. But it’s kind of interesting because if I force myself to stop taking care of everything, and just let everything go, my husband always picks up the slack after a couple of weeks without even realizing. I now have to periodically make myself do this every so often if I get all controlling again (even though it’s difficult because I feel like the world will end if I don’t look after every detail), but when I do, it works without fail. So I recommend that you try it and see what happens πŸ™‚

I only mention this because I had the exact same feelings you are having when my husband and I first got engaged. I felt like I would have to look after us and our family forever because he just didn’t care. But it turned out not to be true, I just had to stop taking over everything. Just stop caring about stuff and he’ll step up! πŸ™‚

Post # 4
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@cmynix:  Hate to break it to you but your Mom is wrong.  People don’t change when they get married.  Think about it – a ring doesn’t magically make a person more responsible!  If anything, people become more settled, more set in their ways once married. 

Whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you, that’s your call.  My husband is far from perfect (I’m pretty darn close, but not quite perfect myself Wink).  He’s not the best with managing money so I handle that.  He’s a slow-poke when cooking or cleaning, so I take care of most of the housework.  It’s fine, it works for us.

It’s also conceivable he’s simply got a lot on his plate right now… finishing up grad school is a major hurdle.  It could just be that school is his priority right now and other things are falling by the wayside.

A lot of people here will tell you during their engagement they had those feelings of “what if?”.  While his behaviors might have always been there, now they are carrying the weight of FOREVER.  And that freaks people out! 

I’d say, hold off on setting a date (unless 2016 is your actual date, that’s plenty of time) and hold off on actually planning.  Wait until you are both settled – you in your new job, him done school and also working, both of you in your new apartment, etc.  And just take it from there.  Chances are these feelings will fade…

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
3574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your mom is onto something.  My DH and i fought a lot when we first got engaged.  I think it’s just a change in dynamics.  There is some struggle for control.  Wait awhile and see how you feel.  It sounds like it’s just the stress of moving, money, and other things getting to you.

Post # 6
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@awakeanddreaming:  Excellent advice about the letting go. I find the same, I am a bit of a control freak about getting everything done, but when I do let myself let go a little bit, my husband picks them up a week or so later πŸ™‚

Post # 7
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think we were cut from the same cloth. I’ve definitely felt what you are currently feeling and had the same doubts, and from experience, I say that your feelings will most likely pass. You agreed to change your life in a completely radical and new way (assuming you haven’t been married before) and that can make you have doubts. Add onto that the fact that you are upheaving your life for a new job, and it can get a bit crazy. Just remember, you love your FI and your gut, heart, and mind said it was a good idea to agree to marry him, so they must be onto something. Give yourself some time to process all these changes and then reassess.

Also, for what it’s worth, my FI is crap with money and taking initiative to do unfun things without my insistence. I’ve stopped letting it bother me and instead, I now handle all of our finances and make him “honey-do” lists to remind him of the things he needs to do, without me having to remind and nag him to do them.

Post # 8
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Mrsluckywife:  Glad to know I’m not the only one!! πŸ˜€ I feel like realizing how helpful it is to let go is the most important epiphany I’ve ever had in my entire life, haha πŸ™‚

Post # 10
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@awakeanddreaming:  Yes it’s so important! I find it difficult to do, but I’m about to have a baby so I keep telling myself just to let go because everything will be out of my control anyway πŸ™‚

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