- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
Hi bees, I’ve been engaged for over a year, and now the wedding is quickly approaching. I’ve been so excited for the wedding and enjoyed all the planning, and now I’m just over it. And it’s making me nervous.
A big part of me thinks this is normal. I take stress hard. I get irritable and angry. I have a lot on my plate right now – I’m looking for work, I’m waiting to hear back on job applications I really want, I’m finishing up a previous work project, I’m starting my dissertation and having trouble, and it’s less than 2 months from the wedding. So yeah…there’s a lot going on.
To top it off, I had to have a major conversation with my FI a couple weeks ago. When we got engaged, we knew I was going away for school for 6 weeks this summer, and he didn’t want to get married and then have me leave, and he wouldn’t have had much time off to go with me. So even though I really wanted to get married before I left, he said no and we moved it to a couple months later. So then I went away to school, and it reminded me of my career goals and life goals in general. We’ve been focusing on his career right now and living in a place where I don’t have friends or family or many job opportunities. So then I was away, surrounded by friends, doing what I love, etc. I missed FI, but I was also really busy and having a great time. When I came home, I decided we needed to talk about long-term goals and willingness to be flexible so that I can have my turn career-wise. It was…rough, but we’re on the same page now (although perhaps reluctantly on his side). The thing is, he really, really loves me, and I know he’ll do what it takes to make it work, even if I push him out of his comfort zone. I really have faith in us as a couple. We love each other and we’re logical, pragmatic people who know what it takes to make relationships work.
BUT. I’m just not feeling “so in love” right now. I was, before I went to school. I was so happy with him, so happy being around him and feeling so confident about our future together. Right now, everything he says irritates me. He’s silly and playful and I’m not in the mood. It’s pretty normal for me – when I have a lot on my plate, I like to get down to business. So I really think this is ok and to be expected, but then I’m reading possible readings for our ceremony and they’re so mushy and passionate, or I see other brides who are so blissful, and I just feel scared that something is wrong with me or wrong with us. And it’s not that I doubt either of us commitment wise. Really, the idea of being married to him is perfect to me. I’m content. And I’m excited to see him at the end of the aisle. But I’m not feeling excited every day, and I kind of want my own space right now to just focus and get things done.
Logically, I think I’m stressed by all my life circumstances, and being away at school caused some friction and weirdness that we’ll get over but just causes a strain right now. And I know me and that this is a typical stress reaction. But I guess I’m just wanting validation that this is normal and not signs that I’m not happy with him and need to think about this. I know it’s a major transition and commitment and it’s normal to be anxious. I guess I just need reassurance…