irritated at religious gift from SIL/BIL

posted 3 years ago in Catholic
Post # 3
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

On the basis of your previous encounters with her, I am going to say no. It seems like she can’t take the hint. What does your FI say about this?

Post # 4
Member
7075 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I have no problem with other people’s religious beliefs, until they start pushing them on me. I would be pretty offended!

Post # 5
Member
6872 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

Oh man. I would be pissed to put it lightly. I loathe the passive-agressive guilt tripping. Honestly, I would just throw it away or put it out of sight and not talk about it. Just send her a thank you note and write “Thank you for the crucifix.” And let it be.

Post # 8
Member
6872 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

Honestly, I would just not try to stir the pot with her. She’s solid in her convictions and you are solid in your convictions… but you also are going to be sisters for the rest of your lives (and that’s hopefully). You love your husband and she’s part of the package… unfortunately you can’t pick your family and they can really suck. I’ve got a family that gets a little pushy with religion and I’ve just had to swallow my pride over the years and ignore it. Arguing goes no where when neither party is willing to budge :/ I hope that doesn’t come across as rude at all, it’s just how I honestly feel in my own given situation.

Post # 9
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

@hollyberry4:  Hide it somewhere. Out of sight, out of mind. Some people think it’s their duty to convert others “for their own sake”. Whatevs. My ILs wanted us to have the Catholic marriage counseling before getting married (actually before we were even engaged). We ended up getting married and not discussing any of it with them, except the when and where and they were welcome to attend, which they did. 

Post # 10
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My husband and I are atheist-agnostic and my family is very heavily Catholic, his family is moderately Christian. His family is much more flexible than my family (Save for my father & mother), nearly everyone on my side is die-hard card carrying, bible thumping Catholics.

Their words go right through me. I literally cannot care any less than I do at this  very moment. Then again, I’ve been hearing this stuff for years, so their words about how (a) god will strengthen us does not mean anything to me. I forget it was ever said the moment it is said. We got a lot of religious advice at our formal wedding in the form of advice cards. it made me roll my eyes, but, whatever.

I was once given a gift of a crucifix and a beautiful bible by my grandmother. It wasn’t heirloom or anything, she just gave it to me in order to help me “find my way to god” or whatever reason it was that she gave it to me.

It was one of those things that I smiled, graciously thanked her, and then stuck it in a box never to be seen again and/or donated or sold at a garage sale. I don’t think any harm was intended by your gift, you could look on the bright side and say they just want the best for you, but the line is that their best and your best are two entirely different bests.

I would follow along those same lines — Thank them sincerely and never look at it again. Regift it. Sell it. Throw it away. Donate it. Repurpose it. Put googly eyes on it and hang it in the freezer, whatever. I’d be miffed too, I’d roll my eyes, but I wouldn’t necessarily be offended.

You could always take this opportunity to be passive aggressive back and send something from your (lack of) faith. A flying spaghetti monster pin? Remind them that his noodley appendge must touch your heart before you can enter hooker pirate beer heaven.

Post # 11
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

@hollyberry4:  I think he needs to have a word with them… better coming from him.

DH has had to very quietly explain to the in-laws why I don’t have votive statues in the house (due to my feelings about “graven images”) in the past. He clearly did it well… maybe he just had a laugh with them about how silly my objections were… either way, it seems to have worked! He can probably explain better because he is Catholic himself, unlike me, the “heretic” Tongue Out !

Post # 12
Member
905 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’d be pretty peeved.  I make an effort to base all of my gifts off of what I know the receiver would appreciate, not what I want to force on them because I appreciate it.  FI is a pretty hardcore gamer, and when he asked for a new gaming mouse and keyboard for Christmas, I was happy to oblige because I knew how much he’d appreciate and use them.  I didn’t give him a set of binoculars because I loooove birdwatching and want him to love birdwatching too.  After a couple of politely declined invitations to go for a walk at the local land conservancy, I was content to accept that our hobbies would remain separate.

It’s one thing to give a crucifix to a couple that’s 50% not religious.  It’s a whole ‘nother level of passive-aggressive to use that gift to forcefully impose your beliefs on the non-believer, for the nth time.  

It’s time for you and your FI to sit down with FSIL together and present a unified front of (polite but firm) “it’s time to knock it the f*** off.”  Explain that you and FI have reached a loving and accepting compromise of each other’s beliefs, and that the particulars of this compromise are and always will be between you and your FI ONLY.  Explain that you will no longer tolerate this sort of proselytization from FSIL, and that it’s genuinely hurting the integrity of your relationship.  

Post # 14
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

@hyperventilate Even though I believe in God I love your response!  I am weary of fellow Christians acting like OP’s FSIL/BIL, to me, a believer, let alone an athiest.  Unfortunately some will always be pushy ad NEVER get the hint that it is best not to approach certain topics with you.

 

Post # 15
Member
791 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Hyperventilate:  A flying spaghetti monster pin? Remind them that his noodley appendge must touch your heart before you can enter hooker pirate beer heaven.

Hahaha! I love it!  A FSM decal for their car would be a nice touch, too.

 

I would be a bit miffed at the gift as well.  The gift was not ‘thoughtful’ because it was not about you, it was about your FSIL/FBIL’s beliefs.  I’m dreading getting the same sorts of gifts at my wedding. 

If it were me, I would hide it in a drawer never to see the light again.  

Post # 16
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

The fact that your fiance is religious could definitely have factored into their gift. Maybe they are assuming you are of similar faith or have converted because of him? Or maybe assumed that because of him you wanted a Catholic wedding/lifestyle.

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