Irritated with MIL…venting…

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
3017 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Scan the ultrasound and give her a digital copy. Or get your SO to print out a copy at London Drugs or something. It might be nice to be fair and do that for both your mom and his mom, so they feel like they a equally important as future grandparents! Also a digital copy is nice because then they can have it on their phones to show off their grand kid to their friends when they are out and about… It might seem “better” somehow?


a lady I know who is pregnant is on the same pill as you, she and her husband and mother in law all sat and read through as many scientific papers as they could find on it to make sure it is safe safe, and it is. Trust me, this MIL was born to a lady who had been offered thallidamide as a morning sickness drug, and if she says declectin is safe it is safe. It could be your MIL was born around the same time, and grew up knowing some thalidomide babies… That sort of thing wouldn’t leave you.

Post # 3
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA

What a bitch. Also, you need to get your DH to either intercede or do a better job of backing you up when you try to be firm – it’s HIS mom, so he should be the first line of defense.

Post # 4
602 posts
Busy bee

My MIL is a major pain in the ass so I can relate. I wouldn’t give in to anything she wants. She doesn’t need a copy of the ultrasound. She can see the picture for approximatley 6 seconds then give it back. She also doesn’t need to see you constantly. You’re going to want to establish these boundaries now, before the baby is born, or else you’ll be in for a world of frustration when she shows up every damn day to see her graaaaaandbaaaaaby.

As for the diet and medication comments, I can totally see my MIL saying the same thing. Unfortunately, many MILs think of their DILs as just an incubator for their sons child. So whatever it takes to assure that the baby is picture perfect is all that matters, regardless of what it means for the mother. This woman is clearly an idiot, though. Wonder if she realizes that malnutrition isn’t exactly beneficial for a fetus.

Honestly, I would stop telling her things. She doesn’t need to know that you’re on medication. She doesn’t need to know how your appointments go. If she asks, the answer is “fine” and that’s that. With women like this, the least amount of information the better. When you share details of your pregnancy, you invite them to be a part of it and MILs like ours need to stay as far outside of it as possible. 

Post # 5
42117 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s a given that my perspective is different from yours. She just sounds like an interested MIL to me. Remember she comes fom a different generation and time- the generation that remembers what thalidomide did to thousands of babies. It was prescribed for nausea too.

Frankly, I wouldn’t have told anyone I was expecting before I was at the end of the first trimester.It makes the pregnancy go faster, without people expressing their concern all the time.

Sometimes it must seem to MIL’s that they can’t win. If they aren’t friendly and interested, they have a DIL who complains. If they are friendly and interested, they have a DIL who complains.

Post # 6
292 posts
Helper bee

julies1949:  this!  Very powerful and thoughtful answer.  I’m a mother in law.  I try very hard to not irritate and feel my daughter in law and I are are very good terms.  My perspective.  I hope hers is the same.  Her mother and I get along like best friends and she has told me how much I am loved. I’m sure at some point I’ll do something to irritate and can hope that my DIL will just tell me this, I know I’ll listen.  Like julies1949 said some times MIL’s can’t win.  To me it sounds like an excited, older mother who just wants to love.  Open your heart (when you’re feeling better, this extreme sickness is enough to deal with) and try to see with her eyes.  Wishing you the best!!!


Post # 7
6678 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you have handled things just fine, that is, politely and in a friendly way, while maintaining boundaries. Your MIL, while perhaps a bit too enthusiastic, sounds mostly like your typical well meaning, slightly  over excited grandma. For now, I’d keep doing what you are doing. Handle the little comments just as you have been or let them just slide.  Turn her down when necessary, but not just to make a point.  

Anything bigger or if she is very relentless or persevering,  should be hashed out with her by your H. Learn to pick your “battles.”  Most of the well meaning kind of stuff you can really let go in one ear and out the other. Great advice not to give so many details.  Seven weeks is normally early to divulge a pregnancy, but if you live nearby, you may have been too sick for there to be no good explanation.  

I would not have been put off by repeated invitations to come by.  She wasn’t forcing anything on you and  to  me, that sounded like she just wants you to know you are more than welcome if you change your mind. Some people think they have to say something two or three times  to give the impression they really mean it. 

You may resent her style if it’s significantly more engaged or overwhelming to you than your own family’s, so also think about how your own expectations  enter into the picture and if there is a reasonable middle ground where you can both be comfortable. Sometimes these things can have a bit of a  cultural, or demographic influence,  too. 

Post # 8
1926 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Meh, it honestly seems that pregnancy and MIL’s do NOT go hand in hand gracefully.

I took a pic of my ultrasound pic and texted it to my MIL. Thats all she gets. 

At LEAST your MIL seems like she has good intentions. All mine can do is say I look further along than I should be, put down my ideas about ALL things baby, as well as talk about the time she had a miscarriage… BIG fun, let me tell you. 

Post # 9
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

She just sounds like an excited grandma to be, but I completely understand your frustration and annoyance. My MIL has been lovely, and has been cooking me whatever I crave etc. But she also has an opinion on everything, and I’m just so hormonal and cranky at the moment, that everything just rubs me the wrong way. 

I’ve had pretty bad morning sickness, and she keeps telling me “oh you’ll be fine the the second trimester”. Firstly, I just want someone to understand how lousy I feel right now, and not dismiss it oh you’ll feel better soon. Secondly, there is no guarantee that I’ll feel better in the second trimester. There are women who keep throwing up well into month 4 and 5. 

She he also thinks that if it’s not a symptom that she has experienced herself (and she has only had 2 pregnancies, so it’s not such a massive frame of reference), then I must be doing something wrong. And if her  other DIL did something, then I must do it the same way. For example, she only stopped working a week before her due date, so that means I must do the same. Never mind that she works from home, so doesn’t have to worry about a commute, or sitting at a desk all day. For what it’s worth, she has plenty of criticisms about the way her other DIL has handled her pregnancies too, so it’s not like she’s picking on me. She just has a lot of opinions, and can’t keep them to herself. 

Post # 10
2139 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Wait, you had a second copy that was for your mom, but didn’t have a copy for MIL? I think it would be more fair if you just didn’t have a copy for either moms, or had a copy for both. She clearly wants to be involved and this is a way to appease her.

I also don’t agree with a PP that she’s a bitch. She’s pushy but I don’t think that makes her a bitch.

Post # 11
1592 posts
Bumble bee

She’s excited and is overly solicitous at wanting you to know that she’s available if you need something.  Of course she has opinions, and her experience is that Thalidomide caused problems. 

It may not be this way in Canada, but in the US there are currently ads on TV about lawyers who would love to talk to you if you were taking any number of anti-depressants and your child was born with a list of problems.  Those drugs were prescribed very generouslly (and still are) and now are being associated with problems.  

She means well, it sounds like it’s coming from a place of concern. Perhaps ask your husband to let her know that your energy level is low, the nausea is unrelenting and draining, and you just need to have some space and quiet down time. 

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