Post # 1
So I am 7 weeks pregnant with the first grandkid for my in laws. I know they are excited. My MIL is a very nice woman she just doesn’t think and is very opinionated and lacks a filter. We have talked to her about this and it just doesn’t change.
Today she calls me since we had our first ultrasound to see how it went. We told her it was all good and the heart rate seems good. Now I have been really sick with “morning” sickness. I am talking all day and all night so nauseous I cannot sleep, think, walk etc. My husband has been beside himself cause he sees how sick I am in. I am not a puker, never have been, but he can see from my colour how sick I am feeling. My doctor prescribed me declectin (only in Canada, its the pregnancy safe anti-nausient) and I finally feel a bit better. I can function again. So MIL asks me how I am feeling as she knows I have been ill as well and I tell her much better now that I am taking diclectin, she asks what it is and I explain. She said “well maybe you should just deal with a little bit of nausea then taking a pill”. I wanted to punch her. I told her “It wasn’t a little nausea, it was all day all night not sleeping, not eating, not functioning nausea and now I have my life back”. She just said “ok” and then told me to eat really healthy (this is the third time in 2 weeks she has told me this). Maybe its just my hormones but I don’t need to be told to eat healthy! I am not a moron!
Then she says “well we are home all weekend so give us a call to hang out” (we have seen them 3 times in 2 weeks). I told her DH is working and I am resting up so we will see you next weekend (for FIL birthday). She goes “ok well keep it in mind as we are here all weekend” I again say to her to drive the point home “we will see you next weekend” and she again says “ok well gives us a call if you want to come over”.
I am just at a loss. Myt DH has talked to her about this constantly wanting to see us, we have talked to her together and no matter what she doesn’t get it, and to top it off I was already irritated on being mothered by her.
OH! and she asked me if we had a second copy of the ultrasound…I told her they gave us 2 shots and she asked if she could have one! (what about my mom!) I told her she can see it but I want it back and she just said “oh”.
Do I just continue being firm with what I want with her? She doesn’t listen unless you are firm and my DH ignores her as opposed to being firm with her. There is literally nothing else he can do at this point as she doesn’t listen so I have to take her annoying me into my own hands. So my thought it just to be polite but firm like me saying no plans this weekend of I want my ultrasound picture back!
What do you think? Looking for general advice.
Post # 2
Scan the ultrasound and give her a digital copy. Or get your SO to print out a copy at London Drugs or something. It might be nice to be fair and do that for both your mom and his mom, so they feel like they a equally important as future grandparents! Also a digital copy is nice because then they can have it on their phones to show off their grand kid to their friends when they are out and about… It might seem “better” somehow?
a lady I know who is pregnant is on the same pill as you, she and her husband and mother in law all sat and read through as many scientific papers as they could find on it to make sure it is safe safe, and it is. Trust me, this MIL was born to a lady who had been offered thallidamide as a morning sickness drug, and if she says declectin is safe it is safe. It could be your MIL was born around the same time, and grew up knowing some thalidomide babies… That sort of thing wouldn’t leave you.
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
What a bitch. Also, you need to get your DH to either intercede or do a better job of backing you up when you try to be firm – it’s HIS mom, so he should be the first line of defense.
Post # 4
My MIL is a major pain in the ass so I can relate. I wouldn’t give in to anything she wants. She doesn’t need a copy of the ultrasound. She can see the picture for approximatley 6 seconds then give it back. She also doesn’t need to see you constantly. You’re going to want to establish these boundaries now, before the baby is born, or else you’ll be in for a world of frustration when she shows up every damn day to see her graaaaaandbaaaaaby.
As for the diet and medication comments, I can totally see my MIL saying the same thing. Unfortunately, many MILs think of their DILs as just an incubator for their sons child. So whatever it takes to assure that the baby is picture perfect is all that matters, regardless of what it means for the mother. This woman is clearly an idiot, though. Wonder if she realizes that malnutrition isn’t exactly beneficial for a fetus.
Honestly, I would stop telling her things. She doesn’t need to know that you’re on medication. She doesn’t need to know how your appointments go. If she asks, the answer is “fine” and that’s that. With women like this, the least amount of information the better. When you share details of your pregnancy, you invite them to be a part of it and MILs like ours need to stay as far outside of it as possible.
Post # 5
It’s a given that my perspective is different from yours. She just sounds like an interested MIL to me. Remember she comes fom a different generation and time- the generation that remembers what thalidomide did to thousands of babies. It was prescribed for nausea too.
Frankly, I wouldn’t have told anyone I was expecting before I was at the end of the first trimester.It makes the pregnancy go faster, without people expressing their concern all the time.
Sometimes it must seem to MIL’s that they can’t win. If they aren’t friendly and interested, they have a DIL who complains. If they are friendly and interested, they have a DIL who complains.
Post # 6
julies1949: this! Very powerful and thoughtful answer. I’m a mother in law. I try very hard to not irritate and feel my daughter in law and I are are very good terms. My perspective. I hope hers is the same. Her mother and I get along like best friends and she has told me how much I am loved. I’m sure at some point I’ll do something to irritate and can hope that my DIL will just tell me this, I know I’ll listen. Like julies1949 said some times MIL’s can’t win. To me it sounds like an excited, older mother who just wants to love. Open your heart (when you’re feeling better, this extreme sickness is enough to deal with) and try to see with her eyes. Wishing you the best!!!
Post # 7
I think you have handled things just fine, that is, politely and in a friendly way, while maintaining boundaries. Your MIL, while perhaps a bit too enthusiastic, sounds mostly like your typical well meaning, slightly over excited grandma. For now, I’d keep doing what you are doing. Handle the little comments just as you have been or let them just slide. Turn her down when necessary, but not just to make a point.
Anything bigger or if she is very relentless or persevering, should be hashed out with her by your H. Learn to pick your “battles.” Most of the well meaning kind of stuff you can really let go in one ear and out the other. Great advice not to give so many details. Seven weeks is normally early to divulge a pregnancy, but if you live nearby, you may have been too sick for there to be no good explanation.
I would not have been put off by repeated invitations to come by. She wasn’t forcing anything on you and to me, that sounded like she just wants you to know you are more than welcome if you change your mind. Some people think they have to say something two or three times to give the impression they really mean it.
You may resent her style if it’s significantly more engaged or overwhelming to you than your own family’s, so also think about how your own expectations enter into the picture and if there is a reasonable middle ground where you can both be comfortable. Sometimes these things can have a bit of a cultural, or demographic influence, too.
Post # 8
Meh, it honestly seems that pregnancy and MIL’s do NOT go hand in hand gracefully.
I took a pic of my ultrasound pic and texted it to my MIL. Thats all she gets.
At LEAST your MIL seems like she has good intentions. All mine can do is say I look further along than I should be, put down my ideas about ALL things baby, as well as talk about the time she had a miscarriage… BIG fun, let me tell you.
Post # 9
She just sounds like an excited grandma to be, but I completely understand your frustration and annoyance. My MIL has been lovely, and has been cooking me whatever I crave etc. But she also has an opinion on everything, and I’m just so hormonal and cranky at the moment, that everything just rubs me the wrong way.
I’ve had pretty bad morning sickness, and she keeps telling me “oh you’ll be fine the the second trimester”. Firstly, I just want someone to understand how lousy I feel right now, and not dismiss it oh you’ll feel better soon. Secondly, there is no guarantee that I’ll feel better in the second trimester. There are women who keep throwing up well into month 4 and 5.
She he also thinks that if it’s not a symptom that she has experienced herself (and she has only had 2 pregnancies, so it’s not such a massive frame of reference), then I must be doing something wrong. And if her other DIL did something, then I must do it the same way. For example, she only stopped working a week before her due date, so that means I must do the same. Never mind that she works from home, so doesn’t have to worry about a commute, or sitting at a desk all day. For what it’s worth, she has plenty of criticisms about the way her other DIL has handled her pregnancies too, so it’s not like she’s picking on me. She just has a lot of opinions, and can’t keep them to herself.
Post # 10
Wait, you had a second copy that was for your mom, but didn’t have a copy for MIL? I think it would be more fair if you just didn’t have a copy for either moms, or had a copy for both. She clearly wants to be involved and this is a way to appease her.
I also don’t agree with a PP that she’s a bitch. She’s pushy but I don’t think that makes her a bitch.
Post # 11
She’s excited and is overly solicitous at wanting you to know that she’s available if you need something. Of course she has opinions, and her experience is that Thalidomide caused problems.
It may not be this way in Canada, but in the US there are currently ads on TV about lawyers who would love to talk to you if you were taking any number of anti-depressants and your child was born with a list of problems. Those drugs were prescribed very generouslly (and still are) and now are being associated with problems.
She means well, it sounds like it’s coming from a place of concern. Perhaps ask your husband to let her know that your energy level is low, the nausea is unrelenting and draining, and you just need to have some space and quiet down time.