Post # 1
My girlfriend and I have been dating for 9 months. But I’ve known she was the one after 4 months. I’m 25 and she’s 26. We’ve discussed kids in a general sense. She brought it up by accident the other day by saying that she didn’t want to wait as long as her mom to have kids. Her mom was 32. Then back tracked all nervous and stuttering like she had made a mistake letting that slip. I kept the conversation going for a couple minutes and we agreed that 2 was the perfect number. Even though she’s 26 I’m her first boyfriend because she just moved from a really small town. I’ve dated quite a bit and thats why I’m so sure shes the one because I havent felt this way before. I would like to be engaged in 6 to 9 months making that 15-18 months of dating. But I want to discuss marriage 1st. should I wait a while longer to bring it up? How should I bring it up? How do I bring it up without taking the elelmment of suprise out of the proposal?
Post # 2
unless you tell her you have a ring and will propose at X day and X time, it’ll be a surprise. talking about it just lets you both know where the relationship is headed and not just a wedding and number of kids, how will you want to raise kids, religion, school, allowance etc, it all affects how two people grow together.
just talk about it, youre not presurring things or making it awkward, but you care and wanna know where you both stand. dont give her a timeline, just talk about the idea of marriage and what it means.
Post # 3
Just talk to her. There are discussions you need to have before you even think about the proposal – do you want kids (I know you two answered that one), how you want then raised, religion, family involvement, finances, future plans, all that. If you’ve already discussed these, and you’re on the same page, that’s great! Talk to her about how she feels about your relationship, if she’s ready to take that step with you.
Don’t assume that she wants to be engaged this soon. While some women are comfortable with that, others aren’t. These aren’t the easiest conversations to have, but they’re important ones.
Post # 4
scott5641: There is nothing wrong with a serious discussion about marriage. It doesn’t mean you have to propose now or even soon but I think every couple should at least make sure they’re on the same page.
Post # 5
scott5641: It’s possible that she was backtracking because she didn’t want to freak you out. My experience, for what it’s worth, is that it was always easier if my partner brought up the idea of more commitment.
So I say, just talk to her. Ask her about what she sees in her life, how she wants to live, if she wants to be married someday. Share with her how you see yours. Remember to keep having fun and romantic moments too 🙂
FI and I discussed where we want to live and how we want to live before either of us mentioned marriage to each other. We did talk in general about how being married was important to us on an individual level, before we discussed marriage to each other.
Good luck to you 🙂
Post # 6
As PP said, discussing it is fine and a useful way to gauge expectations on both ends. My husband and I discussed our views On dating, marriage, timeframes, etc very early on; we just kept it hypothetical 😉
Also, if you haven’t, start getting into the big questions: money, spousal roles in the home, expectations, kids, sex and family planning, vacations and family/in-law visits. If you google marriage prep questions you’ll get a lot of good ones. Then just bring them up in conversation casually and see if y’all are in the same page. (I did this and it worked great. Didn’t tell DH where I came up with the topics til later though haha!).
If you feel that y’all are in the right spot to feel those things out, then do it! Don’t be afraid to being up big topics, ask her what she likes in rings “because preparation is always good and you certainly can’t ask a question like that when it counts!” (DH’s line. I fell for it lol)
Fwiw, my husband proposed right around six months. We’re not quite through our first year of marriage yet bit we’re doing great and loving it (We didn’t live together first or anything either).
Post # 7
scott5641: If you two are discussing having kids casually, I don’t see the problem in discussing marriage casually. 9 months is not too early, love doesn’t have a time (haha I sound so cheesey). If you really care about her enough and want to be with her for the rest of your life then there is no set time when you should propose, just when you feel it is right. Both of my brothers proposed to their wives after being with them for under a year, one was only with her for 4 months. But both are still married years later. While my fiance proposed 10 years after being together. So it really just matters when you both are ready.
I would just talk to her about it casually like you did with the kid conversation and see where it goes.
Post # 8
I would say no, it’s not too early! But you won’t know unless you talk about it with her. FWIW, my H and I talked about marriage less than a month after we met, and were married 11 months after we met. We were quite a bit older than you, but it’s going great!
Post # 9
I don’t think it’s too early to talk about it! Open communication about these kinds of things is important in a relationship.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
scott5641: I think you should just talk about the far-out future to get a grasp on how she feels- no need to say “marriage” yet. There’s the old favorite, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years” conversation (or 10 or 20). Ask her where she sees herself and then tell her what you see (house, kids, living in a specific city, what have you), being specific that you see these things with her. Her reaction will be very telling. Sounds like she may already be on the same page 😀
Post # 11
My husband and I first discussed marriage 2-3 months into our relationship and he proposed at 9 months. Everyone has a different timeline and if you’re feeling ready to discuss marriage then it’s the right time. You won’t know where she’s at until you talk to her.
Post # 12
scott5641: I would bring it up in a casual conversation about what she’d like to do in the future, what are her projects, does she want to get married and have kids, etc. You know, just to discuss and see if you’re on the same page about life projects. It’s not too early to talk about this subject, because they can be dealbreakers to some couples ! Better know right away if you have the same projects in mind. If you feel she’s receptive to the idea of getting married, you can plan a surprise proposal if you want. But I think it would comfort you to know that it’s part of her life plans, before you propose. You might simply be afraid of rejection at this point, and discussing your future together (casually) might be just enough for you to know where she stands.
Post # 13
Just bring it up casually and have a chat about it! I don’t think it’s too soon at all. See how she reacts! It doesn’t have to be all serious/formal Talk About Marriage- just have some wine and drop it into the convo!
Post # 14
You have to talk about marriage and your life together before you make the decision to actually get married. You have to figure out if your expectations and goals are the same. Once you decide that you are compatible now and will be compatible in the future (and how you will handle things when problems and issues arise), then you can talk about timelines and engagement.
Dont ever lose sight of the fact that marriage is not the same as engagement (proposal). The decision to marry should be kept separate from the decision to get engaged and have a wedding.
Post # 15
- Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI
I agree that talking about it is a good thing. It’s not too early, especially to just start the conversation and see how things go.
My DH and I were engaged in 14 months and married a year later. We started talking about the things we wanted in marriage pretty early on, granted we were a little older 29(me)/34(him) when we started dating and both knew we were looking for someone to marry…so if we were not compatible we would have ended it pretty early on. We wanted to know we were on the same page when it came to kids, religion, values, etc.