(Closed) Is a fantasy during the act cheating?

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: How bad is it to fantasize about someone else during sex?
    It's cheating/bad, no matter who it is. : (29 votes)
    12 %
    It's only bad if the person is real -- a fictional character is OK. : (39 votes)
    16 %
    It's only bad if the person is fictional -- a real person is OK. : (0 votes)
    It's only bad if they do it EVERY time. : (79 votes)
    33 %
    It's never cheating/bad to imagine someone else. : (90 votes)
    38 %
    It's so bad it's breakup material : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    7431 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Seriously? I’m just baffled right now. I think partuners are entitled to their privacy which fantasies fall under. now we want to control someone’s very thoughts? How would she know if he he does it again, is she gonna quiz him every time they bonko? what in the blue helll? 

    .. Is it cheating to think of someone else during sex? No

    Is it better or worse if the fantasy person is a fictional character? No

    (Is a specific kind of fictional character bad? No

     I feel like I’d be more upset about a movie character than a book character for some reason.) How bad would it be for you? no

    Post # 4
    Member
    240 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I think if my SO were fantasizing about a specifc person (a real person, like his ex, for example) every time we had sex, that would be a kind of emotional cheating. But I don’t see a problem with the occasional fantasy, fictional character or otherwise. 

    If he told me he sometimes imagines I’m a video game character, I’d laugh and ask him if he wanted me to dress up as her for his birthday, lol. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    2450 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    fictional or famous is fine. real and local is not so fine. 

    professor snape can come at me any time…

    Post # 7
    Member
    982 posts
    Busy bee

    @Bebealways:  why did he even tell her? Did she ask? I think it’s kind of lame to fantasise about characters from a game, but I live a couple of doors down from people who are so obsessed with some game that it’s all they talk about – they’re so far removed from reality it’s not funny. They will have arguments in the driveway about losing a challenge.

    Anyway, he shouldn’t have told her, and if she asked, she shouldn’t have.

    Post # 8
    Member
    839 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @rosworms:  I agree  (with the first half of your post, lol). There’s a huge difference between fantasizing about some famous unobtainable person, and fantasizing about your co-worker that you see every day. I don’t really have any basis for this, but if my SO told me he was fantasizing about some famous actress while we were having sex once or twice, I wouldn’t be that upset about it. But if he told me he was fantasizing about one of his friends or someone he actually knows, I’d be pissed.

    Post # 9
    Member
    4722 posts
    Honey bee

    I’d be a little weirded out if FH told me he was fantasizing about a fictional character while we were doing it, but it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker unless it somehow became a problem (like if it was EVERY time). 

    If it was a real person, we would have an issue. Especially if it was someone he had a chance or a past with, and not Olivia Wilde or something. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    404 posts
    Helper bee

    @faeriehazel:  +1

    I think it’s only an issue if the person’s relevant to your lives. I 100% agree, a close friend/ex is well awkward and not a good sign.

    I think also it really depends on the thoughts, like a vague fantasy is very w/e, being halfway through doing it and thinking “I wish she was *someone else*” is quite different.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1224 posts
    Bumble bee

    I think it would bother me if he was fantasizing about an ex or a coworker or something, but a fictional character or celebrity is fine.

    Post # 12
    Member
    9062 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Me: Absolutely not cheating. The brain is the only private sanctum a person has. What goes on in there is the owner’s own business. If my husband wants to fantasize that he is having sex with Ghengis Khan, so be it. I can’t tell him how to use his own mind.

    Husband’s input: If you need to ask your friend if you should be mad… the answer is no.

    Post # 13
    Member
    8464 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    To me, it isn’t cheating.  It’s not all the time, the person isn’t real, and it’s a fantasy.  If he was thinking about someone he knew (i.e. an ex) and was thinking about her every time, then I would consider it emotional cheating, or at the very least, he isn’t over that person.

    Post # 14
    Member
    5658 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 2012

    I’ve never fantasized about anyone else while having sex with my husband. Even if I somehow found myself fantasizing about someone else while with my husband, I would stop myself and try and avoid thinking it in the future. My husband would do the same. We don’t think it’s healthy to be fanatszing about someone else during sex with your spouse. I wouldn’t go as far to say it’s cheating, but I wouldn’t say it’s right either.

    I will agree with PP, there is definitely a difference between fantasizing about a celebrity than fantasizing about an ex or a coworker. The former at least fits in to the realm of “it’s just a fantasy” while the latter raises some questions. I know my DH would be very hurt if I fantasized about my ex boyfriend while having sex with him.

    My husband and I are not one of those couples who thinks “harmless” fantasizing is healthy in a committed relationship. I know many would probably disagree with that. I think it’s up to your friend to figure out how she feels about it. This is not “right” or “wrong”, it’s got a lot of grey area.

    Post # 15
    Member
    6207 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

    It might be a little weird or hurtful depending on who it was- my best friend? hurtful. minnie mouse? kinda weird. But not cheating.

    Post # 16
    Member
    3947 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Is it cheating?  No.  Is it a sign of there possibly being something wrong within the relationship?  Yes.

    The topic ‘Is a fantasy during the act cheating?’ is closed to new replies.

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