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If it in anway is going to make people have to choose which wedding to go to (long travel, hotel stays, over lapping showers/event) then I would pick a different date. I know you only get a day, but you putting yours so close to theirs, which has been set for some time is rude in my eyes.
Would yours be before hers or after?
ETA: I see in the title that it would be before (duh), I would pick a different date to avoid any conflict.
not cool. 3 weeks isnt really enough time for the 25 guests to re group and re travel...
Well since April and May are out and you not wanting to wait until June ( I'm having a 4 month engagement in winter because I didn't want to wait till summer either so I understand) I see why you would want to do it before theirs. I think end of February would be fine since hers is end of March. Just be prepared that many people are probably already planning on going to her wedding so they may not be able to do both. Also, I would just make sure your FI family are ok with it being before theirs since it's their side of the familys wedding and if her family gets upset by the timing of your wedding atleast your in-laws are on board with your decsion. But since they aren't even going to the wedding I'm sure they are fine with it. Also, sending the cousins an email explaining why you want to get married so soon may diffuse any issues from them. We don't want anoither bee posting on here soon saying " My cousins getting married 3 weeks before my wedding!!" haha
25 people is a lot. I would find a different date or expect that those 25 probably wont make it.
So she is your FI's second cousin? I think that she isn't a first cousin does make a difference. (As in, it's less of a problem.) Would she be invited? Are the families really close? I think if the answer is yes to both it would be a bit off. I would suggest talking to her and explaining your reasoning.
ETA: it's still 3 weeks and not 3 days.
I am a very upfront person so I would just call the cousin up and talk it over with her. She could tell you how many overlapping guests were saying they were coming. If it is only one or two and she doesn't care I would say go for it. It might not affect as many as you think so may be a non issue or it might affect more than you think so you might need to pick a different day. By asking either way you will know.
I think this is only an issue if people have to travel for both weddings. It sounds like most of the 25 overlapping are in NY, right? So it won't be a burden for them to go to your wedding. The only ones that will have to make a choice are the Cali cousins, but thats only 1 or 2 people.
If that's the case, I say double check with the in-laws and go for it.
With the added information- I would talk about it with your FILs and go from there. If you could put it in the begining of February and give a couple more weeks between the weddings, maybe it won't be an issue. If you do decide to move forward I would talk with the cousin and explain why you chose the date. good luck!
I would talk to her, and ask if she will hold a grudge etc. But February 18 or 25 will give her a good month to herself. It's 12 weeks for you - so better hurry with it! :)
I would be super angry if a cousin did this to me. Let her have her moment... heck... let her have the whole month! You might need to wait until June... what's another 3 months?
I think 3 weeks is fine for a future cousin in law. If it were your sibling, that would be cutting it a little close since there would be a huge overlap in guests and you might be stealing thunder, but the two of you aren't close and I"m sure the overlap won't be that bad so I would just go for it.
FOLLOW UP -
1. I've never met this person.
2. FIL's are fine with it.
3. Fiance didn't even get an invite, I think he was a + on his parents' invite, and he's 37 and hasn't lived with them for almost 20 years. So you see how I'm thinking it's ok...
I would do Jan or Feb (is January an option?) and have a neat wintery wedding. I mean, it's not a first cousin, she's removed and you've never even met her-no one in your fi's immediate family is going!
I say it's fine. I got married 6 months after my SIL. And my hubs 1st cousin got engaged right after her wedding and before mine. She also had her showe and engagement party a month before mine. . She got married one Month after us. As she's a 1st cousin there was a TON of overlapping guests. And the guests would've had to travel for both weddings. Many of them came to both, and many others chose to go to hers. But you know what? It was no biggie. And it totally worked out. We still got to feel special and still "all about us". It was just a bit more chaotic than it would prob have been had it been one of us at a time.
I would not postpone due to a 2nd cousin's wedding that I wasn't invited to.
I would call her up and talk with her about it. Tell her everything that you have told us. The fact that you and FI aren't even invited and you are still being considerate says a lot for your character. Ask your FI about people that MUST be invited and then compare them to those that are invited to her... just to get the feel of how many people will be forced to choose.
@nolalola: If the in-laws are ok with it, she's a 2nd cousin, you've never met each other, and you're not invited to her wedding, I think it's ok. It sounds like only a few people are really put out by it (the CA people) and they'd probably have to choose anyway - even if you wait a few months. Traveling cross-country twice in 6 months is expensive.
If you or FI would feel like calling/emailing her to see if she has a serious issue with it, that would be a nice gesture. Otherwise, I say go for it! If your 2nd cousin came on here to vent about it, we'd probably all be telling her she only gets one day anyway, so I think you're ok!
I agree with talking to her, but really, it's only 25 people.
My cousin and I had 3 weeks between our weddings. While hers was local to the family, mine was 3+ hours away. More people attended hers, as they couldn't travel for mine, but I was fine with it. My wedding also came first.
I was engaged for 3 1/2 years by the time the wedding came, and was looking at venues before she was even engaged. I had no issues with her setting hers 3 weeks after mine. I could have cared less if it was a week after or even before.
You just need to be fine with people attending hers over yours, if she has already sent out STDs on hers.
The biggest thing is just making sure family coordinates for any showers to not overlap with hers. We made sure of this, as my family hosted a shower in her state, in order to give our family that wouldn't be attending the wedding a chance to celebrate with me.
@amw511s: what's another 3 months? probably another $10,000-$20,000! lol June is a prime wedding month. February and March rates are signifcantly lower becuase many people don't want to get married when its cold and as it is going to be in NY it'll be cold.
If your FI's family doesn't care then there is no reason for you to have a different date. I don't really know my mothers cousins kids so I wouldn't be mad about it.
It is totally fine. Guests don't have to attend if they find it to be a hardship.
Given that you guys are so far removed from her, and the closer family members (FILs) don't care, I don't see why you would
@moderndaisy:Ditto. I think this is fine. The relation is much more distant, and only a few people would have to "choose" AND those people sound like they are from the well-off side of the family so they can probably make it.
And, mazal tov on your engagement!
After reading all the updates, I think you are actually being super considerate! Trust me, I know how living in the greater-NYC area and a Jewish wedding can really pack on the costs, and you have no relationship with this person (nor does FI it seems or you'd think you'd be invited), she's a distant relative, your FI's parents aren't bothered, and it really only affects the few people from CA. Go for it.
@MissCallieJean: Well, I'm a March bride and I haven't gotten any discounts. I think it depends on your location. And, I think your $10,000 to $20,000 is a bit high. Perhaps another $3,000-$8,000... maybe.
To original poster... after reading your updates, I say stick with the March wedding!
@amw511s: I'm sure it depends on region - I know one venue we looked at offered a VERY steep discount if you got married in Jan-Mar. I don't remember exact numbers, but it would have been several thousand cheaper.
@amw511s: I have never been to a wedding in NYC so I may be over shooting with the 10-20 range but in Upstate NY at a nice place the rate for a Saturday night wedding is 89 pp, Jan to March while April through December is 103 pp. Not including taxes and the minimums you have to spend are higher in the April through December time. That is just the venue, I don't know if florists, dj's photographers have a cheaper rate during the winter months. So your looking at spending at least $8,000 more and that's upstate. NYC prices are significantly higher. I personally wouldn't want to spend the extra money for a second cousin.
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I just got engaged a week ago and am trying to plan a wedding date so I can do all other planning - here's the rub:
1. I don't want a long engagement - 34 going on 35, want to start trying for a baby soonest, want to wait until after the wedding.
2. We will be about 200+ people in NYC. Read as not cheap and due to my family (which doesn't bother me) the "budget" options are a no go. Mom and Dad are contributing a hefty chunk toward the venue/catering fee, so I do not "blame" them for making me have "their choice" of wedding, and am kinda looking forward to it. It will not break the bank (if I do it in Feb/March), and I'm ok with it.
3. I am limited as to when the wedding can be. Due to Jewish observance, April and May are out. June starts the crazy summer wedding season with costs GREATLY inflated, so that it would make the cost start to become uncomfortable but still doable. FIANCE's mom's cousin's daughter (are you following?) is getting married in Miami at the end of March. I want to do February/early March for the following reasons:
- MUCH cheaper than the summer.
- I can afford Saturday night (which is one thing I really would prefer)
- according to Jewish observance, I can start my wedding 90 minutes after sunset and have a beautiful evening. Otherwise I will have to do a Sunday afternoon in the early summer, which I would REALLY prefer not to do.
Is this rude? Her wedding has been scheduled for a while. My future in laws aren't even going, weren't planning on it, but there will be some family members who do go.
Please weigh in, I don't want to offend my new family to be before I even get married!
Just to clarify:
1. She lives and will be married in Miami. I live and will be married in NY. So the only overlapping guests (his mom's family, maybe 25 people total) that would be travelling to my wedding are her family and a cousin or two from Californai. I don't know how many NY family members will be travelling to Miami. Fiance's parents, sister and he are not.
2. Haven't heard anything about showers, etc. so don't know when they are. Certainly don't expect people to travel for those.