Post # 1
I’ve been on and off the boards for awhile and mostly “off” since I broke up with the man I was hoping to marry several months ago…
Anyway, I met someone new at the end of the summer and things have been moving very quickly. Despite the distance, we’ve been traveling to see each other at least every other weekend. I was previously planning to move to Texas to be closer to my family but he lives in Tenessee. We’d be closer (I’m in California now), but the job prospects in Texas aren’t looking that great. Also, we were thinking we could both move to Texas but he has a son and he’s had second thoughts about relocating.
He’s proposed that I move to Nashville and I’d been resisting it for awhile. Then last weekend, after a nice holiday season with him meeting the family, etc, and a nice heart-toheart with my step-mom (who likes him), I decided it would be worth it to take the risk: I told him I would be willing to move to Nashville after all.
He promptly freaked out. Wasn’t sure if he was ready, etc, which confused me since it was his idea and I was so sure he wanted us to be together. He’s just working through having fears about being able to have a successful relationship since he’s been through a nasty divorce, and also afraid it would put too much pressure on our relationship with me giving up so much. Our communicationg is really good, I definitely appreciate being able to talk about our fears and “sticky” subjects without falling apart. About a day after I said I’d move, he said he understood that his reaction hurt me and he still wants me to be out there. But I still hear that he has doubts and I don’t want to make the sacrifice if I don’t feel that we’re both excited about it. I’d previously said I’d need to be engaged to live with someone, and while right now I feel it would be kind of soon to do that, I know that I would want to feel like the same level of commitment is there if I were to move….ring or no ring.
Anyway, the ball is in his court now to figure out how he wants to proceed. I don’t want to have a long distance relationship with no end in sight (and it’s starting to get very EXPENSIVE too, you LDR bees know what I mean). According to my budget right now, I don’t have any extra money for plane tickets for the next 2 months.
I really just needed to get my thoughts out but I also have question: for you bees who moved to be in an LDR, how did you make your decision? What advice can you give someone considering this decision?
Post # 3
Good luck! I know this is a tough situation. FI (then BF) and I were in an LDR for about a year and a half before I moved to where he was going to grad school. Now he’s graduated and we’re back in an LDR until we get married and I move out to be with him. So I’ll end up moving twice to be with him.
For me, the first move was a tough decision because I NEVER thought I would be the kind of girl who moved for a guy. But ultimately we reached a plateau in our relationship and we had to see what it was like to live in the same city before we could commit our lives to each other. We loved each other, but we needed to be together day-to-day to see if we could make it work. And as far as deciding who would actually move, it just made sense for me to move since my job was finished and he was still in grad school. But I have to say I lined up a job before I was even willing to consider moving–I would have NEVER moved without a job in place. I would have been really uncomfortable with the thought of being dependent on him that way. I also had to consider whether it was the type of place I could be happy on my own, where I could make my own friends and establish my own life outside of him. It was challenging, but I’m glad I did it since it helped us feel confident about getting married.
In terms of advice, I would say it would be good if you could line up a job for yourself just to make sure you wouldn’t be totally relying on him. Would you be comfortable really settling in and making Nashville your home, even if you two broke up?
That’s so hard that he kind of freaked out about you moving out there. I can understand where he’s coming from–I think especially for guys they think they want something and then they freak out a little bit when they might actually get it. I think it’s a good sign that he could be honest with you about his feelings, but if I were you I might wait a little longer before moving out and wait until you feel like he really wants you there. I totally know what you mean about needing some type of reassurance that he’s as excited about everything as you are. When you’re taking a huge step (like moving for a guy), you want to feel like he’s excited about it!
Sorry this was so long! Good luck with all the decisions!
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2010 - Ladder 15 Restaurant
Personally, I would never move to be with someone who wasn’t 1000% positive that they wanted me there. There should always be an end point to LDRs, or you aren’t being fair to yourself. I think that even if he “gets over” his freak out, I would still be hesitant because who knows when it might happen again.
Post # 5
I was in the same city as my SO for 2 years before he left for law school in another state. I decided not to move mostly because I didn’t feel he was at the commitment level I needed to feel comfortable with moving. Was he committed, very much so but just not at a level I was comfortable with. I also had 0 other reasons to move other than him. I hate the town he is in, I know no one, my industry isn’t there. However, if he had been at the commitment leve i needed I would have moved in a heart beat. I thnk you have to decide what you need and what you are comfortable with. I have had friends move across country for SO they have only dated for a few months and they were happy with their decision. They wanted adventure so it worked.
While I think its impossible to continue to in a LDR forever I think if you wake up every day and he is still worth it and you don’t want anyone else then why now. You should try to set up some timeline for when you need to make decisions about someone moving or at least start putting the pieces together to make it happen.
Post # 6
Thank you ladies so much! Getting this out and getting other perspectives really helps clear my head.
@MelanieAnne: I would absolutely have a job lined up before moving. I’m a super-independent type as well, and my industry is quite robust in that area. From my initial research there is a lot more opportunity out there than in the city in Texas where my parents are now living.
But about this “Would you be comfortable really settling in and making Nashville your home, even if you two broke up?” the answer is “No”. Most likely I would just go to Texas or come back to California. I don’t have anything else out there, you know? So I’d like to say “yes” and I AM ready for a life change (hence the moving to Texas plans) but really if we didn’t work out I would probably not stay in Nashville. I know I could be happy there because I’m a resourceful person, but I am sure I would be devastated if we broke up and would probably want to be closer to my family and friends.
@mssocks: I agree, that concerns me a little bit too. Is it just the natural response to a big change, or is he just commitment-phobic and I’ll always be wondering if he’s going to freak out again…?
@Snowy414: LOL! I’m glad you know some “success stories” with this sort of thing, so I don’t feel totally crazy if I do it. I do want adventure. I love what you said about waking up every day and feeling like he’s worth it. I would feel better if we had timelines to even start putting things together, I don’t need an immediate move….I just want to feel like we’re going somewhere rather than letting this die on the vine.
Post # 7
Hey there dreaming bee! Glad to hear that you found new love. What I seen friends experience is that long distance relationships can only work if the two people have some kind of future plan to be togther. Perhaps right away is not the answer and too quick but down the line you should set a goal of when you will make the big move if all is going smoothly and it should not require bigger sacrifices from one partner over another. Some even want an engagement prior to uprooting their life but I don’t think that’s necessary unless you are giving up a whole lot and you feel that the other person will drag their feet. What I’ve seen work best is for the two partners to find a new place together to move into so that one doesn’t feel more ownership over another and finding a good job or a place to make friends is also crucial to keeping things from becoming suffocating.
Best of luck to you and remember: you should never have to work that hard to convince someone to want to be closer to you. Offer your side but then drop it and let him come to you organicly and prove he can’t be apart from you.
Post # 8
@Audreysdance: Good advice! I do want a new place to move into, and he does too. That was my expectation. But right now he’s still upside down on his “family house” from the divorce…he couldn’t break even from renting it (although IMHO taking a modest loss month over month would be worth it to have a “fresh start”, rents are cheap there and if he got a modest place he could easily manage) and doing a short sale could impact his credit negatively. He spoke to me last night and he said without a doubt he wants me there but he’s very discouraged about the house situation and can’t imagine that getting resolved in a reasonable timeframe. He even suggested I move and get a place right away while he figures out what to do with the house! WTF? It was hard for me to take this seriously, I was so bad I actually laughed at him. He said what would you say to a friend who said she was moving across the country to move in with a guy she’d only known a few months? I said I would tell her “good luck”, but if she came to me and said she’s moving across the country to NOT live with him (his latest suggestion) I would say “you’re crazy”.
I can understand his frustration with the hosue stuff, and I’m not rigid. I would even move in there temporarily and help him get whatever arrangement set-up (renters, loan modification to lower payments, or short sale) then we could look for our own place together.
But honestly I am really not feeling the level of commitment here. I don’t want to write him off entirely, I know he’s trying to work these things out but seems so clueless at times :-p Focusing on the obstacles, you know, not the goals.
Post # 9
@DreamingBee: So..did you finally move ?
Post # 10
I have been doing LDR on and off for 7 years. My FI is FINALLY going to move to Ottawa *fingers crossed* for September 1. I’ve really put my foot down because I’m sick of planning this wedding from a distance and sick of trying to find a house with him at a distance, and sick of being apart! I’ve told him not I cannot wait (not in the excited way, but in the annoyed way) until Oct 23 for him to move here. My point is that he should get an apt for Sep 1, and we would slowly move stuff into that apt then Oct 23 I would move in with him (I’m renting in room in a townhome).
Over the 7 years we went through some ups and downs. The hardest being when we did grad school in different cities. We were both poor, and didn’t really have the time to spare to do visits (we were about a 7 hour drive apart). We had a super low point at about year 3 or 4 where I was questioning the relationship and contemplating breaking it off. (At some point absence can make the heart wonder instead of grow fonder!) We go through it when we both acknowledged that we needed to make the relationship a priority. His parents’ place was a 3.5 hour drive for each of us, and although it wasn’t ideal, it was a compromise. I really can’t wait (in the exicted way) to actually live together and be together after 7 LONG years.
I wish you all the best!