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Yes! Thank you for this post. I feel as if the sense of entitlement now is greater for some reason. And it's frustrating to see. I often find myself typing out an entire response to some of the posts here talking about many of the topics you mentioned above and deleting them b/c I don't want to offend the entitled feeling bride.
I agree with you sister! I am trying to be so chill but when I do speak up for myself I am labeled bridezilla or demanding because of all the pyshco's ahead of me! :) I rarely ask anything of my bridal party but I have heard of a lot of friendships ending due to wedding dramz.
@swanks4tw: TOTALLY AGREE.
My FI and I planned our wedding for next year so that WE could save for OUR wedding and WE have been the ones handling things and not everyone else.
I agree!
The "this is my day and I can do what I want" has led to lots of bad etiquette and decisions. Yeah its your day but could you be respectful and considerate at the same time?
Well to be honest I could easily see myself as being a Bridezilla candidate IF I didn't have a wedding planner. It has nothing to do with feeling entitled and everything to do with my desire for perfection and need to control (things/details not people). EDIT: Bridezilla as in control freak, I'm not a mean person nor would I be a mean bride. :)
When it comes to weddings it is impossible to make any assumptions or classify any brides in a group together. Family dynamics, finances, personal and relationship issues make what seem to be the standard drama much more detailed requiring a closer look.
While I will agree that sometimes the complaints I see are somewhat "zilla" behaviour I can't say that I am frustrated by it, especially as my situation while not drama free hasn't been all that bad compared to others on the Bee.
I know! I couldn't imagine being a mean bride. my planner said she wished all of her clients could be like me!
I had a similar experience: my husband accidentally cancelled the tuxedo order (it's a long story, he thougt he was talking to a different store on the phone). anyway, when he called the tux shop a few days before the wedding to confirm an extra-large suit, they were like "whaaaaa?". then they scrambled around to get our order back together the best they could -- they had thrown out all of our notes and measurements! they even ended up upgrading our tuxes to a more expensive model because the ones we chose were no longer available. they did this for free!
anyway, the point is: it was our fault, but they were amazing. of course, if they had not come through for us like they did, then it would have been my husband - not the tux shop - who heard it from me!
I agree absolutely.
I was my best friend's MOH and unfortunately she's the type that's "it's my day and it's my way". and the even more unfortunate part is that her way also means "i want to please everyone" - so at the end, she couldn't make any decision cuz everyone else wanted something and she would like this more or they would like this more...and I actually had to tell her that "yes it's your day but if your way is not working and you can't get everyone happy, you just have to make a decision" - yes, she's an awkward "my way" girl. The more unfortunately thing is, cuz she was so strong about having it her way, her fiance couldn't make any decision because it's Her day and she wants other people to be happy...she ends up getting angry at him every other day and I was so worried that he would just walk out..it was frustrating and I'm glad it was over
Anyhow, but definitely I really dislike the bride-to-be's that yell at their own frds and family...I was watching "Rich bride poor bride" and there was this girl that just made so frustrated even just watching her....she wanted to be THE princess and yelled at her own mother, went over budget by $10,000 and did not feel sorry that her fiance had to pay 75% of it..
@chx_101:went over budget by $10,000 and did not feel sorry that her fiance had to pay 75% of it.
Is it just me that finds it confusing when brides say their FI are paying for something without a thought? If you are married isnt it the same pool of money? In other words you are in essence paying for it too?
@Treejewel19: this part I don't understand either when I read it.
This is a fantastic post.
some women do lose their damn minds and go off the deep end when they are getting married (bridezillas is a perfect example) what pisses me off is anytime a woman speaks her mind or stands ups for what she wants in her wedding people label her as a bridezilla. Its like a bride cant have her own opinion about her wedding
Well said! So tired of 'it's my day, do what I want/say/demand'. Treat people how you want to be treated. It takes so much less effort to be nice, polite, and thankful; plus you may find that you get more from people when you treat them well.
@Treejewel19: Some couples do still keep their finances separate (DH and I do, for example--personal preference).
But seriously, +1,000 to this post.
Like, and Like again ;-)
Seriously, I have thought this so many times while reading posts on the bee. For the most part, I just choose to ignore because there is no way I can say what I truly want to say without sounding snarky.
completely agree! It's so unattractive
Awesome vent. One thing my FI has a lot of trouble understanding about wedding planning is that I don't always like interacting with people about the whole thing because there's this weird assumption about my potential behavior-- which there would NEVER be in another setting. I mean, going dress shopping, I winced to be called "the bride" because there's this whole thing around that identity.
I guess the flipside to me is that any time something about the wedding is a little stressful to me (not flipping out on anyone, just a little upset and bothered), some people I'm very close to seem to have no qualms about jokingly breaking out the word bridezilla, and they don't really seem to see why I find it hurtful.
Anyway, great post!
i'm guilty of taking things out of my friends and family.. usually it lasts a half hour and there's lots of apologizing afterwards.. in my defense i don't get mad at them or say mean nasty things to them.. i just end up shouting in general when i feel like i'm being screwed by a vendor specifically. Luckily my friends just tell me to shut up and that everything will be fine and it (usually) ends up being ok. i'm horrible i know. sorry guyz
ps nobody calls me a bridezilla.. i think they're too afraid to.. (joking!)
Amen amen. I am sick of it and was so afraid of turning into 'that bride' even before I became engaged.
I've know realized, wedding do NOT have to be this way at all! They SHOULD be an example of what it means to come together and celebrate the joining of two lives.... NOT an excuse to be a diva, NOT an excuse to make the couple have a family reunion in place of a party.... NOT an excuse to have whatever you want and be in debt for a house... with no house to show for it!
We have no bridal party because we feel our friends cannot afford to buy new outfits for our day, I still cannot wait to take pictures with all my best girl friends. To get ready with them and be with my FH and party with my supportive small family afterwards.
I get most excited, not when I think about all the fancy things I'll have that day (which come to a grand total of my own bouquet... I'm not even getting a wedding band)... but when I think of living with my husband after that and starting our happy life together in our little house :)
@swanks4tw: I think you were reading my mind. I am frustrated by the sense of entitlement related to weddings.
I completely agree. I have really realized how laid back I am during this whole wedding planning thing. I don't know how some brides have the energy to criticize and demand all throughout the engagement. It must be exhausting.
@Treejewel19: Have you ever seen the old episodes of Bridezillas? It was just like you described, type A personalities. Just women who lived by that "if I want it done right, I'll do it myself" saying. Now it's ultra mean girls because that's what people want to see.
Zilla is in the eye of the beholder.
I picked out a tie today that was on sale and I suggested one of the groomsmen could wear it and FI said "Uh, he wouldn't wear that" and I said "It's my wedding! He can't wear the tie I want??" Then I was so embarrassed. It seriously took me over! Obviously the guys will look better in something they feel great in, not an ugly tie I forced on them.
I haven't been bad though. I love weddings so people thought I would be a bridezilla but I've been the opposite. I don't give people enough direction and they get all confused. It's a hard balance to find I'll admit.
@Moja Milosc: I agree- the older episodes of Bridezilla were just opinionated, Type A women. It seems like now they just pick the ones that are incredibley (almost unbelievabley?!) crazy, and overy the top mean. I don't really even watch it any more, because these brides are so incredibley abusive to the people around them.
"like" this post!!
i can't believe how relaxed some of you chicks are. sorry but when i gave a budget to the florist and they sent me a contract with my budget doubled i almost had a heart attack.. had a freak out moment and then when i came back to earth e mailed her to make some changes. i wouldn't freak out on my vendors because personally i think that's embarrassing but really none of you girls freak out over anything? i'm having trouble believing that.
@CookieBee: My understanding is that it's not so much about freaking out or not freaking out, but about feeling entitled to freak out, if that makes sense? I mean, it's a kind of stressful time, maybe some people are very zen and never freak out, but most of us will at least a little. I think it's more about feeling like it's weird that people expect self-centered behavior because you're having a wedding, you know?
Heck, I'd choke if a vendor pulled a bait and switch on me like that, too!
I am so happy to read this thread... I feel like many of us probably worry we're being too demanding if we ask for help with anything or ask anyone else to pay for anything- I know I do. The whole idea of having a wedding with fancy things is so outside the norm of my daily life that I was stalled for months in making any decisions because I didn't want to be demanding or inconvenience anyone... and my family and fiance's family and fiance are so accomodating and supportive that they just kind of leave the decisions up to me, even things I'm not paying for, and it makes me feel so worried that they think I'm demanding now that I'm making decisions about details of things....
You guys brought up good points about meanness and entitledness vs. emotionalness and decisiveness.... you know, to me, the biggest thing I think is lacking in what I imagine is a "Bridezilla" is compassion. A lot of us these days scoff at the idea of the 1950's female 'ideal' - the good 'hostess' (including me), but wedding planning made me realize that a big part of being a good hostess (and what was taught in those days in etiquette books, magazines) is having compassion for your guests and caring about making them happy. Not so much just so you look great, but so that everyone is comfortable and has a good time. It's a hard balance to strike though between making people comfortable and making your guests comfortable at the expense of those around you like your family and bridal party.
And gratitude is another big thing that's missing in the 'zilla'... one of the things that touched me so much about the first post is just that swanks4tw has so much gratitude.... I hope we can all be more like that :)
Yes.
I think the one that irks me most is:
Bride: "I am planning this thing that I think is awesome, but is really inconsiderate to and inconvenient for my guests. It will probably cost them a lot of money, too. Some of my guests are upset about this! Some of them aren't coming!"
Chorus: "It's Your Day! If they want to be there, they will!"
The subtext, of course, being that anyone that doesn't take a week off work and spend a couple grand to go see you exchange vows with your beloved at your absolute favorite remote Himalayan ashram just doesn't love you that much. Because otherwise they'd be happy to do this for you.
Thanks girls! I'm glad to know I'm not alone here :)
@CookieBee I don't think anyone is saying that they don't have stress moments, or even freak-out moments. Heck, I was freaking out a few days ago when I found out that some of the invitations went out with just reply cards and no actual invitations. Did I freak out? Uh yeah! Did I round up all my friends and family who helped us with invitations and verbally assault them? Of course not. Sure, my FSIL may have caused an embarassing bump in the road (not saying it was her, I have no idea) but is it worth it to hurt a relationship over something that will not matter in the slightest a year from now? It's like TankGirl said. It's the sense of entitlement to act like a Queen B*
And Elvis, the "it's your day" chorus isn't just on the bee. Whenever I'm talking to family about the wedding and I'm not sure what will be best for my guests I get the "it's your day" speech. Yes, I know it's my day. But if I wasn't concerned about my guests I would save a lot of time and money and we'd go down to the courthouse. Or maybe just have the religious ceremony I want and no reception. But I actually really love my guests and want them to enjoy themselves. I know I can't bend over backwards to make every single person happy, but I can be thoughtful of my guests as a whole.
@Treejewel19: Bridezilla as in control freak, I'm not a mean person nor would I be a mean bride. I'm with ya on that, Tree. I get wigged out if I feel as though something important to me is out of my control. Well put.
Great post. I really think my issue isn't so much that people freak out, but they make no attempt to express it like adults. I feel like in most other situations, people attempt to control themselves even when something upsets them, but somehow a lot of brides don't try. They feel entitled to go off in the deep end and yell at everyone around them about everytihng. All th eweddings I have attended with mega-zillas were drama filled weddings. I really think the bride sets the tone for how teh day goes down, so people who want perfection should think twice about being mean to people in order to achieve it.
@Mrs Grape: True, there are some. I would assume that even though your money is seperate you communicate large purchases and budget decisions to ensure that all can be paid for, right?
I guess it just sounds strage to say that your FI is paying for something and disregard the cost thinking it has no bearing on your personal finances. Even if they are seperate they are still connected in a way.
@miss sparkly cat: I agree. As Moja Milosc said "Zilla is in the eye of the beholder" and I completely agree.
I do think there is a distinct difference in having opinions and hoping for some level of perfection versus disregarding everyone's feelings to get your way. There is always a nice way of going about things and I think the key to the current definition of a Bridezilla is a woman who tramples anything that is in her path down the aisle.
That being said my FI teases me about being a Zilla. When I talked to him about it last night (spurred by this post) he said in all honesty he is teasing and I have been calm and collected so far. Again, I thank my wedding planner as any issues she deals with and I never feel the need to "lose control" for any reason. I am determined to have my dream wedding and at the same time equally determined to have a cheery and considerate disposition. I do not think it is a one or the other scenario.
mishmisha, that was really sweet of you to say :) Probably my general sense of grattitude comes from being one of 6 children of a cop and a stay-at-home mom. I'm used to hand-me-downs and lots of elbow grease.
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I realize shows like "Bridezillas" are not a good representation of the modern bride, but I have seen these attitudes on the boards and in real life and I don't understand it. I know it's "our day" but I can't imagine being as demanding as some of the brides I've seen. The idea that everyone should put their lives on hold and just focus on my wedding is ridiculous to me. Examples, let's see...
Like the idea that my bridal party exists to serve me. My bridesmaids are my sisters. My oldest sister had a baby born at 28 weeks who has been in the NICU for almost 2 months. My other sister (MOH) is attending a university a few hours away, and my youngest sister and bridesmaid just started her first year of high school. I understand that they have their own lives they need to think about. I am so grateful for every ounce of help they have given me. I just can't imagine yelling at any of them for not doing something for me.
The idea that my vendors need to cater to my every whim. I forgot to call the bakery back and tell them for sure that I want to order the cake. I am so impressed and thankful that they called me back before they let someone else book on my day, but if they had it would have been my fault! The little saying, "Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on my part." yeah, that works the other way around too. I don't expect anyone to cover for my mistakes or lack of planning.
The idea that our parents should pay for the whole thing. My fiance and I are making just as much money as my parents are, and my parents still have another child at home after I leave. Why should I be able to go blow my money while they live paycheck to paycheck? And yet, because they are good and loving parents, they insist on helping in every way they can. FI's parents are better off financially and have basically furnished our entire apartment and paid for a lot of very nice aspects of the wedding we couldn't have without them. I could cry, I am so thankful to both sets of parents for all the financial help they've given us. I can't fathom demanding this of any of them.
*sigh* I feel like this post is coming out in an angry tone. I'm not angry, I'm just tired of seeing brides justify their bratty behavior with the fact that it's "their day."
Anyone else feel like this?
*end vent*