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You're totally not alone! I am afraid of my bf not being "ready" as well. He has set himself a deadline to get it together and propose to me, and although I am totally confident in what we have, I still get this nagging little fear every once in awhile that he just won't be able to take that leap. He's 29, never been married or engaged before, owns his home and car and has a stable career in which he's becoming quite successful, but it just seems like he's having some sort of trouble wrapping his mind around the whole thing.
Hugs...I know it totally sucks to wonder about this. I know there's another thread about this, but you should read His Cold Feet. It's a great look into the male mind and how men think very differently about committing to marriage/engagement than women do. It helped put my mind at ease to some extent.
I dont have any advice to give, but I will say that I have felt like "this is never going to happen" Its so hard when you see people getting engaged around you and you just feel like..."why cant this be me?????"
I think everyone feels like this at some point and you just have to stay strong. If you know that your BF is the one you want to be with forever, there is no need to pressure him into it. He will come around and when you do get married, you will feel sooo good about it because you will know thats what he wants too. Just remember you have the rest of your lives to spend together and although you may feel like I have to do this now , you will feel better when its on both of your terms.
Good luck and hang in there. Remember we are always here to talk!!!
Thank you. :) My BF is also 29, same everything as you mentioned. Now he says he has the "perfect girlfriend" and has been waiting for me all his life... but he's "not ready yet". *sigh*
I do know that my BF takes forever to make the simplest decisions and agonizes over whether to buy Frosted Flakes or Froot Loops at the grocery store. He always says that getting married is the biggest decision of his life, so it stands to reason that he is going to think about something he perceives as that huge for-ev-er. (I do agree with him that is a big decision and not to be taken lightly--neither one of us ever wants a divorce--but I'm a little more of the 'when you know, you know' school of thought.) If yours is indecisive like mine, maybe that's what it is?
I hate to feel like I'm a 'big decision,' but he constantly assures me that it's not about me, which gives me some confidence.
I think this is totally normal to worry about ~ and actually healthy too, if handled appropriately!
I'm only sort of waiting, but I definitely have moments when I freak out a little, worry that he's just leading me on, get insecure, worry that I'm pressuring him into something he doesn't want, etc.
Thing is, I talk to him about it (LDR - we can't afford NOT to talk about it, hah.)
Have you talked to your SO about your worries? I mean, not in an accusatory way but in an "I worry about this. Let's talk about it." way? It sounds like you may have, or at least have the foundation to do so now, because you know why and how his past relationships end.
Communication is key in all areas of life, especially relationships that we want to last forever. Talk to him about it!!!
Two things come to mind. One, when we went to a wedding in September, I was in tears and he asked me if I had thought he wouldn't marry me. He said he would.
The second one was maybe a month later, while I was lamenting out loud about "buying the cow if you get the milk for free", he answered me by saying, "Well, I can't answer that." and went to sleep.
He's talked and referred to our future on and off weekly, sometimes daily. And I can't expect him to alleviate the insecurity... I know I need to find a way to deal with it.
I understand your fears, but you've dated less than a year so I think it's a little early to worry that he won't ever propose or it will never happen.
Sometimes I wonder, what if we never get engaged and then it's years later and we're all comfortable with each other, and how hard would it be to ended it then. BUT... instead of that I'm focusing on enjoying the time we continue to get to know each other.
We've only lived together for 6 months and I'm still surprised (pleasantly) by the little things he does. On the flipside, we are still learning how all of us (because we both have kids from prior relationships) fit together, and we are still all growing together. So, to feel like it may never happen is just too soon for me.
But, that doesn't mean I want it to happen any less. I do. TODAY! ha ha... Honestly, I think that when I do start to feel like it's never going to happen, I will talk to the Boy, and then re-evaluate my situation.
Great insight, thank you. It is quite odd to be focusing so much this quickly in (believe me, I have never been in this boat before). I am trying to rationalize that.
@tacos, honey, please hear this with the love it's intended, but it sounds like you're not choosing the most opportune moments to discuss this with him. When you're upset/crying/about to go to sleep is not the best time to have real life discussions!
Sometime when you're in a good mood, feeling rational (I know, we all have our irrational days; don't do it on one of those!), and have some time, sit down and ask if he's worried about any of this stuff.
Talk about what changed with his friends' wives after they got married, where your fears spring from (your ex, etc.), the timelines both of you have/had in mind, what expectations you have for marriage... that sort of stuff. Communicating well is vital for relationships.
If you're having trouble knowing how to bring it up/how to discuss it, have you talked to him about/considered premarital/preengagement counseling? Ours has been amazing for us, even though we're doing it semi independently (LDR - our pastor gave us a huge list of questions and we're talking through them on skype), it's brought up so much stuff we never would have thought/known to talk about, and it's been super important for the growth of our relationship and trust to be talking about that stuff.
This guy's going to be your husband; I have to assume you can candidly discuss with him things you're worried about.
Relax. I am almost 32 and so is he we JUST got engaged. He was single for a long time and really tied to that mindset even though he knew he wanted to have a family. It sometimes takes guys a little time to think things through.
For mine, in particular, he wanted the timing to be just so.
So maybe they have something in the works and you have no idea. That was the case with us! Just enjoy.
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Bees, be kind to me.
As most of you know, my BF is one of the most amazing people I've ever known. Though we've dated less than a year, we have both felt immediately that this was "it". After I finally allowed myself to be excited about it, the BF and I had a talk about our timelines... his being anywhere from 1-2 years away, and mine being "why not now?". His is both for financial reasons (He would like to have money saved if we should ever have medical expenses, specifically to cover his own illness). And for fear that I will change into the manipulative women his friends complain of (now their wives).
Alas. I have had many LTRs, the last one ending because when marriage came up he admitted he did not want to have any children. His relationship ended because apparently his ex emotionally checked out long ago, and when he talked about the future she balked and they broke up. He also cites she was not happy with anything anymore, and still is generally unhappy with her life.
So of course, my fear is... perhaps he has good intentions now, but when the time comes... he's "not ready". I am terrified of this, psychologically speaking. This would be the same with any man at this point, though.
Anyone else?