Is anyone else here the one holding things up?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

@PoppyRose:  I’m not sure. Some days I am, other days I’m not lol What that tells me is that I shouldn’t rush into anything. But considering my SO is on the same page, I think we’re good lol On the other hand, sometimes it’s hard to tell if it’s just nerves. Kind of like starting anything new for the first time. 

Post # 4
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m ready and so is my SO, but SO won’t propose until my last semester of school. He wants to make sure I’m focused on graduating and getting into my masters program before popping the question. He doesnt want to distract me from school with wedding planning…psh I can do both ha ha *hopefully* it’ll be by March of 2014 and then in May when all the family comes for my graduation we can have a mini engagement party.

Post # 6
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

I think if there is even the slightest niggle it’s a good idea to put something like this off for a while ^^ It’s so good to hear that you recognised that in yourself and had the courage to bring it up!

 

Your SO sounds really lovely as well, all the best to you x

Post # 7
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Mostly no. However, my limited income potential is holding things up, becuase things are mostly on him. I’m also going back to school this fall, hopefully.

Post # 8
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I am (the date in my profile isn’t correct). 

He’s from a culture where people don’t really “date”-they meet and are married usually within a year. He’s older than me (granted only two years but I guess things look different from the perspective of turning 30). He’s has several LTRs behind him. And he’s just more of an impulsive personality.

I’m from a family where most successful marriages happened later in life. Few of my peers married before the 3-year mark. He’s my first LTR (not that I’m looking for something better but I have been having lots of “how do I know this is real if I don’t have prior experience” freakouts). And I’m a cautious person who needs to think and talk about things to the absolute death before making a decision. Frankly, I’m quite unromantic.

Plus, my job and our financial situation is in a state of flux-we both realize and acknowledge that but I’m the one who’s quicker to point out that we need to get on more stable ground before taking the big step.

Post # 9
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

@PoppyRose:  I know exactly what you mean! My SO and I won’t be able to live together for a few years either since my grad school is in another state. And being in school doesn’t do our finances any good. It doesn’t make sense in my head either. I want to get married but I also want to be able to pay for things. And it breaks my heart when I think “independence” means not taking money from others (aka parents) which is what is expected when a couple gets married. I won’t be financially independent until I finish grad school (3+ years) and then start working (?? years). And funny enough, I was crying on Friday too for the same reason while trying to have an overall positive future-oriented conversation with my understanding, yet patient SO lol (I say “yet” because it would feel kind of nice if he could show at least some impatience over wanting to be with me in that way lol)

 

@worldtraveler:  I can relate to you as well in regards to SO being my first LTR. He’s had 2 before me, but he is actually my first boyfriend ever. I’ve “dated” before him, but was never in a relationship. So as much as I love what we have, I have nothing to compare it to. It’s not that I want anything better either, but how do I know if it’s “as good as it gets?” 

He happens to be the more rational one on this matter, but as stated in my first paragraph (lol) I wish he showed a little more passion in wanting me to be his wife, now lol

Post # 10
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’d say that we’re both holding things up now… But I was the one who first said I’d like to wait. He’d been bringing up marriage a lot and I didn’t feel like we were in a good place to get engaged, and told him that as much as I did want to marry him, I thought we should be a bit more financially stable before it happened. He looked a bit disappointed but agreed. I’m not sure if he’d thought of that on his own and was just ignoring it, or if I was the one who actively held things up, but at least we are on the same page. 

That being said, I know that waiting to be ready frustrates me more than it does him! He is at peace knowing that we are happy and keeps reminding me that we are very lucky to have found one another, and that it’ll be worth waiting for. I know he is right, but some days it is hard to be that optimistic. I’m just about ready to tell him I’m not as opposed to a long engagement as I was when we first met and talked about our expectations for engagement/ marriage! I know he is opposed to being engaged for quite awhile though, and I feel like I should be respectful of that. 

I do have to admit that I have nightmares about getting engaged now, though! I think we are emotionally ready (hence the frustration), but I would worry about being able to pay for the wedding we want (nothing too extravagant, but I do want friends and family to be able to attend so no elopement, and I’m a grad student right now…) or putting our families in a position to feel like they were obligated to offer financial help. 

Post # 11
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

@PoppyRose: My SO, like yours, says he would marry me tomorrow if he could. As much as I like that idea, I would prefer to wait until I’m further in school with a “real” job and more money saved up.

Post # 12
Member
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@PoppyRose:  I know exactly how you feel. I felt exactly like this about a year ago. My SO told me he wanted to look at rings and I got the shock of my life, I definitely would not be ready to get married this year! But now, a year later, I feel more secure and really want to marry him. It will either be next year in October or 2015 in April/ May, depending on finances. There is no need to rush. Marriage is a huge step, and I think even just getting engaged puts a more serious push on your relationship. 

Post # 13
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m not holding things up now, but I was about 6 years ago. I felt like we were too young, and I wanted us to live together first. Once we were settled in our own home, he then felt like he wanted more time to just be a cohabiting couple. When he raised the topic of marriage late last year, I had a minor freakout because we have a lovely life and I don’t want anything to change. Thankfully, friends and family knocked some sense into me. With a month of me telling him I’m finally on board, we found and purchased my dream ring. Now, I’m back to waiting (he’s planning the proposal), but I don’t at all regret us taking our time. 

You can feel ready for marriage, but why not wait until your home/career/financials are in order if you can? I’m glad that my FH and I have made smart rational decisions when discussing our future marriage, and the time it’s taken has really solidified us as a couple.

Post # 14
Member
1346 posts
Bumble bee

I’m a major commitment phobe (I am very aware of the way my preferences evolve) but also I’m not even done with my bachelors degree. I wouldn’t want to be engaged for at least another two years, if at all. We’ve been together nearly 3 and a half years thus far. Honestly I don’t ever know if I’ll actually be comfortable enough to get married. I’d be fine without the legal aspect, I typically run away when things get too serious for me.

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