- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I desperately need some advice/support/help. I am terrified that my FMIL and possibly my own mother are going to inadvertently ruin our wedding and/or marriage.
My mom has an autoimmune disease that caused her kidneys to fail completely, so she is on dialysis 3 days a week. She also has numerous other problems with blood pressure, thyroid, etc, etc, etc. She can barely walk because her excess fluid just happens to settle on the bottoms of her feet. She can’t work and her disability is peanuts, so my dad has to work 2 jobs for them to get by. Since he’s never home, I’m the one who cooks, takes out the garbage, does laundry, cleans the bathroom, dusts the furniture, etc, etc. My younger sister lives in New York (we’re in PA) and the rest of my family is also out of state so everything falls on my shoulders.
My mom does everything she can to stay as independent as possible but she still needs a lot of help. I have no idea how her and my dad are going to get by once I get married and move out.
My fiance’s mother is also a mess, but the majority of her problems are her own fault. She has terrible diabetes and is morbidly obese, but she gorges herself on junk food and does nothing but sit and watch TV all day everyday.
She had 2 knees replaced and admitted that she quit rehabilitation because “it was too hard.” Now she can barely walk and she claims she can’t drive because she has numbness in her feet. Her husband died suddenly almost 4 years ago and since she relied on him for EVERYTHING, now she relies on my fiance for EVERYTHING. House work, grocery shopping, errands, bills. She moans about not being able to pay the bills but goes and buys iPads and orders stupid “collectible” stuffed animals from HSN.
I cannot tell you how many times mine and my fiance’s plans have been postponed or cancelled because of our parents (mainly his mother).
And now that our wedding is approaching and we are starting to look for our own home, I am petrified that our marriage is going to be marred by the fact that we basically have to babysit our parents.
Part of me feels like a terrible selfish bitch because I want to have a nice, normal, newlywed life with my fiance. We NEVER get time to ourselves, mainly because of his stupid mother. She does stupid shit like she’ll take the bus to buy herself new clothes that she doesn’t need, but when she has to go to the doctor or needs food, she recruits my fiance. They have no other family so this all falls on his shoulders.
Don’t get me wrong — I can understand that he can help her with home repairs, cutting grass, stuff like that. But ford God’s sake woman — take responsibility for your own life! You can get yourself to the grocery store if you really tried. And if she’d listen to us and go to a therapist or support group for her emotional problems and grief, half of these issues would take care of themselves.
I actually have nightmares about his mother having a massive heart attack the week of our wedding. And she’s already expressed concern about how she’s going to get to the wedding. Because heaven forbid she drives.
And I’m terrified that my mom is going to get an infection and end up in the hospital and miss our wedding (she’s been in the hospital several times because of complications like this).
I can’t take this. I am 27. My mom is 54. Fiance’s mom is 60. Most people do not have to worry about this crap until they are in their 40’s and their parents are in their 70’s.
I feel so selfish for worrying about the wedding and starting our lives but … these issues have marred so many aspects of our life and I am terrified that it’s never going to get any better.
I don’t know what to do. I actually do not want to have children because I already feel like I’ve been babysitting for the past 5 years. That sounds so terrible but …. I have no idea what it’s like to put myself and my relationship first. I hate this. I am petrified that our marriage is going to be put on the back burner.
I don’t know how to handle this.