Post # 1
Sometimes I just get so frustrated. It just reallly seems like everyone else has blissful, happy engagements that bring them closer than ever to their FH and they’re always so happy to be engaged and planning this wedding. Someone out there please tell me I am not the only LDR bride who is getting tired of not having a happy engagement. Please don’t get me wrong – I love him very very much and I know he loves me too. The first few months were fine – we were happy, he was super involved in planning things, and it was great! But since January it has pretty much been all downhill. My fiance is in grad school and is busy with schoolwork and projects all the time. I totally understand that, but I can’t even remember the last time he actually responded to one of my emails about wedding plans or anything else for that matter. I know he’s busy, and he did warn me that he really wouldn’t be able to be involved in any wedding planning until after he graduated. But I’m still feeling hurt. I’m sick of doing this alone. I’m tired of saying “I can’t wait to see you soon! Only 6 more days! ” (this will be my first visit in two months) and hearing a completely uninterested, unexcited “yay” from him, like he has better things to do. I get that he’s exhausted and stressed and has a billion things on his mind, but I just want to feel like I matter too. Would it kill him to sound a little bit happy that I just shelled out big bucks for a plane ticket and took time off work to see him? LD sucks!! It just plain sucks. It zaps all interaction and communication and makes it so hard for me to feel loved without the quality time and stuff. I FINALLY get to see him and it just sounds like he doesn’t even care or doesn’t want me there. His tone of voice just makes me wonder why I’m going to see him if he’s clearly not as happy about seeing me as I am about seeing him. I’m sick of feeling like something is wrong with me or him or our relationship because every engaged person on the planet seems so damn happy all the time and I feel just the opposite. I’m sure this post sounds like he doesn’t love me – but I know that’s not true. I know he does. But, like a guy, I don’t think he realizes sometimes that his tone of voice or the things he says can be a little hurtful, especially when I’m already feeling down and fragile because of the LD. Ugh!!!
Post # 3
Want to be my new best friend? I feel your pain. It’s hard to explain & understand unless you’re in the same situation.
I’ve completely lost my excitement for planning my wedding for this reason- my FI has lost all interest in the wedding plans. He’s too far away & he can’t understand what I’m talking about over the phone. I’ve lost a lot of happy juju because honestly: neither of us are that excited about the wedding itself. We’re excited about the marriage & the fact that we’ll get to see each other on a daily basis!
I’ve felt like something was wrong with us too. Before we even got engaged it was planned out & lacked surprise/romance. We sat down at dinner & planned out our engagement & future. I picked the ring & I knew when he was going to propose because we only saw each other every few months. I wish I could have had the fairytale surprise engagement & a wonderful wedding planning experience… but these are the cards we’ve been dealt.
Being in a LDR is the worst. The only thing that gets me through is knowing that, while we’re apart now, we’ll have 50+ years together. In the grand scheme of life, a few months/years is nothing.
Post # 4
You are definitely allowed to vent! Don’t feel bad because this is what you think or feel…everyone is entitled to their own feelings! I am newly engaged and working full-time while pursuing graduate studies part-time…and even though we are trying for a wedding next July, I am already feeling like there is so much to do! And once school really gets going again, it is going to be a BUSY year!
He does love you…never worry about that! Boys do not always understand that us females are so sensitive to tones and simple answers…such as your “yay”. Just let him know that you understand he is busy and that he loves you, but that sometimes you feel like he doesn’t pay enough attention to you. See how your visit goes…it may be that he is just as stressed being away from you too! And maybe once you are together again, all these little things that bug you (and me…goodness knows I worry about the stupidest, smallest things sometimes…) will not seem so significant!
Good luck to you – and enjoy your time with your FH!
Post # 5
I totally get this….join the club! I thought when we got engaged things would settle down. Instead, I find I need more time and more attention and just more input. I’m definitely more sensitive to his tone of voice and attitude. The other day FI said he didn’t really have time for me and I cried (I never cry!) for 2 hours straight. Sometimes it feels like I’m more needy but I know this isn’t me. It’s me trying to plan a wedding that’s supposed to be about us but he;s busy. And the worst part is it’s nobody’s fault so you can’t blame anyone. It just so happens we’re picking up the work and they are clueless as to how far a little appreciation or attention can go.
FI is visiting me after 2 months and it sounds like he’s equating it to a run to the store. Sometimes I miss when we weren’t engaged, because it seems like we were spending more time. I don’t know what the answer is, just want to let you know I totally understand. *Hugs*
Post # 6
RecessionistaBride, Dance, and MAlove – thank you all SO much for helping me to feel less alone! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for understanding, and for your kind words. I just felt like everyone around us who actually gets to see their fiance on a semi-regular basis is so happy and I’m over here wondering why, during the supposed “happiest time of my life” I find myself crying when he doesn’t sound excited for our next visit, or when I haven’t received a reply email in 2 months about wedding ideas I send him and ask for his opinion on. And long distance just makes everything that much harder. Since you can see him, you can’t feel his arms aroud you in a hug, or see his smile, or get his input in person, all you have to keep you going is the words he says and his tone of voice – so when he’s exhausted or busy and he cuts our conversations short, or rushes through “okloveyoutoobye” or says “I love you too” or “I miss you” or even “yay” with no enthusiasm whatsoever – it kills! But just knowing that you ladies understand and I’m not alone here, really really helps keep my head above water sometimes when I have an emotional moment and second guess everything. I hope things get better for all of us!
Post # 7
@ Rawrkitty, Recessionista & dance:
We should just e-mail each other LOL! At least it offers some support and hey I’ll even say I love you like I mean it if someone will return the favour! Deep breaths we just need to make it over the next couple of months girls!
Post # 8
I’m in lol. Too bad we are alll scattered all across the country probably…otherwise a bee meet-up of those dealing with a frustrating engagement would totally be in order. I’m always here – so you guys can PM me anytime you need some encouragement or bee love.
The more I think about it, the more I realize how many factors are really playing into this – LD just sucks, crazy schedules and other obligations, guys sometimes just don’t seem to notice that their actions/words/tone of voice or lack of any of these things can be hurtful when they don’t mean to be at all, and I’m just about due for my monthly visitor so I’m more emotional than usual. Thinking about all these things makes me feel less crazy lol. Still lonely, still hard, but it helps me to understand a little better why I might feel the way I do. Not to mention LD makes every tiny little word, action, and vocal sound so much more important….which probably causes me to be extra sensitive to every single little thing good or bad that seems to happen. Roll all that together and you have the recipe for exactly what we all seem to ge going through.
On another thread here I read about a book/website/counselor called “The Conscious Bride.” I browsed through the website last night and found it helpful. Its for women who face struggles in their engagement amidst all the people who are happy and tell them they should be so happy and stuff. It helps them explain why they feel the way they do. I was thinking of picking up the book to see if it can bring some peace of mind. Have any of you heard anything about it or read it?
Post # 9
I am a LDR bride to be too!!! In fact, my FI and I have been in a LDR for the past 5 years!! This year is the last year we will be LD and, frankly, IT’S BY FAR THE HARDEST SO FAR! I always thought that once we were engaged (got engaged 4 months ago), it would make me happier knowing that at least we will be married and the whole long distance thing won’t be so bad. But I see other engaged couples around me who get to spend blissful time together and it just hurts. It’d be nice for FI and I to go do wedding related things together whenever we feel like it. Yet I have to plan around only the times he is in town.
It helps me to keep my eyes focussed on the big day and not worry about all these months ahead of me that he will be gone. I just keep saying to myself: “this time next year, no more LDR”…
So ladies, I feel your pain too!!! You’re definitely not alone in this crazy emotional engagement.
Post # 10
I can completely understand this too.. FI and I are LD and it’s been really hard on us.. When he was away for basic training from November to this past March, it seemed like it was easier than it is now.. Even though all we had was letters, we still seemed to be in tune with each other, but now that we actually have contact by phone, it feels like we’re not so much anymore.. He likes to go out all the time with his new freedom, and I feel like I’m left waiting at home to hear from him.. We were talking about our small civil ceremony one time, and he said “This is going to cost me so much money” and he sounded so exasperated.. It’s a civil ceremony!! It costs as much as the marriage license costs.. I mean, plus his plane ticket and whatever, but he gets that for leave anyways.. He also sounds less than excited to talk to me, gives me short answers when we text, and it’s so easy for him to say goodbye and get off the phone, even after we went through five months of cherishing our rare five minute phone calls that he was occasionally allowed.. We’ve been having really stupid arguments because of the distance, but we’re working on it.. But I can definitely tell you that you’re not alone.. Long distance DOES suck, but RecessionistaBride is right, it does help knowing that while it may be LD now, I’ll still have forever with him after we get through it..
Post # 11
Oooh me too! me too!
We definitely had a break down over wedding planning last weekend, haha, where I was literally weeping on skype going, “But this is your stupid wedding too and it’s not fair that I have to plan everything and you should have to help and I don’t even care about the wedding I just want to be married…..” and he was freaking out because he didnt know how to get me to calm down from so far away, hahaha…
You’re not alone. I think all of us in LDE(ngagement)s feel that way at some point, if not most of the time.
For me, setting up a joint calendar (yay Google) and sharing spreadsheets of EVERYTHING (yay Google docs) has helped a lot. I put due dates for stuff on the calendar and then set it to email both of us. He gets to share the pressure a bit more that way, and understands WHY this is all so stressful, which helps motivate him to help me out, even as busy as he is (mine is in grad school too, plus teaching middle school full time, plus coaching soccer… I’m not even really sure whether I’ll get to see him when I finally DO move to DC! Hah!)
Anyway, feel free to vent here as often as you want – we’ve got a fair number of LDR bees and a LOT of LDR Graduates who can commiserate and share some wisdom that they’ve picked up along the way. 🙂
Post # 12
I seriously think God sent me to your post!
FI and I aren’t technically long distance, we only live about 30 minutes away. But, I am in grad school and he is in college and working and we usually only get to see each other one night a week and that is usually after he gets off work at 9. So we see each other more than you do, but I still understand where you are coming from.
It’s AWFUL, I get upset about his lack of excitement, tone of his voice a lot and it’s to the point where he is getting frustrated and feeling like he can’t make me happy. Like you said, I know he loves me, but I need that reassurance because we don’t get to see each other and experience the non-verbal forms of showing affection. I have realized I need to have faith in our relationship and not second guess him all the time because it is making it that much harder.
I also don’t have any advice, except just remember there is an end in sight!
Post # 13
Taricha, Armywife, Daydreamwanderer, and jb30…you all are amazing! Thank you for your posts and inspiration! I sure do hope things get better for all of us…and I know it will (eventually). It just SO nice to know that I am not alone – that I’m not the only one out there who feels defeated and sad and alone during her engagement. We all know our guys love us dearly, but it doesn’t make the struggles any less real or frustrating. Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and for your love and support. It makes me feel stronger already.
I really like what jb30 said, even when it’s really crappy and we feel alone and wonder why they sound so unexcited to talk to us or plan with us, we just need to remember to have more faith in our relationships and stop second guessing when we are feeling down. Our guys are facing a lot of stress too and probably don’t even realize that we don’t want to plan this beast alone and needs lots of support (especially if we are LD!)
You ladies are wonderful. Thank you.
Post # 14
Thanks @rawrkitty1022 for starting this!! I am so thrilled to read this thread!! I knew there were others like us but never thought I’d find any here on bee!
@daydreamwanderer: That sounds exactly like the break down we had last week!! It’s soooo hard to get FI involved in the planning process. The spreadsheet idea won’t work for him because he never really has time to get on his lap top – and if he did, theirs tons of other things he’d rather be doing! He’s in the military, works very long tiring days. I’m suppose to be making a list of all the wedding related things I want the two of us to do together when he’s in town next. I hate that idea but if it’s the only way he’s going to contribute, so be it! I just wish we could have a normal engagement…
@armywife1029: My FI went through basic training 4 years ago. What you are describing sounds just like the stage we went through. Writing letters was nice but then we had to adjust to his new life and my new life apart from each other. I had a hard time accepting that he was going to make new friends and want to hang out with them a lot and party and do all those things that military people do on the weekends! It took me a few years to realize this but the last thing he needs is to be on the phone with his girlfriend/fiance all night when he could be out having fun and venting away stress. Now, don’t get me wrong, we talk A LOT. But we set aside certain days and times to be on the phone for hours. One of the worse times to talk is right after he gets off work. My FI says only two words too when I call him. In fact, we still never have a decent conversation until the weekends. My other suggestion to you is to meet his new friends!! If you put a picture and a personality to the names then you feel more comfortable. Good luck! You WILL make it through, you’re not the only one that has to endure this.
Post # 15
THIS. All of this. I totally relate. The only thing that is getting me through is that it is almost over! But it sucks and I have never found any way to make it suck less.
Post # 16
Ladies, I hear you, I hear you all. LDR is sucky to the extreme. FI and I have a pretty good schedule now for the planning process, which is working for us, and I will share.
I too felt completely disenchanted by the whole engagement process, alone and (slightly) resentful – hey it’s a “girls job’ to plan right? gag…
I, after many many discussions, most of which started and ended with my begging him to elope with me so that we didnt have to plan, decided to try something else.
Now, I do the initial research for vendors. For whatever reason I dont mind searching endlessly through the gazillion different types of bands, djs, photogs etc in the area, but i hate.hate.hate making the initial contact, so thats FI’s job! After I’ve narrowed the vendor list from 100 to 2 or 3, I send the list to FI. He usually calls after work, or during his lunch break and then directs them to either of us for further meetings etc.
Honestly it has rejuvenated my outlook on our planning and on our relationship in general. I’d love to hear any other suggestions you all have, because I am sure we will reach a hiccup in the future.
It is a lifesaver having you all here for support!