(Closed) Is anyone else’s LD engagement less than blissful?

posted 8 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Want to be my new best friend? I feel your pain. It’s hard to explain & understand unless you’re in the same situation.

I’ve completely lost my excitement for planning my wedding for this reason- my FI has lost all interest in the wedding plans. He’s too far away & he can’t understand what I’m talking about over the phone. I’ve lost a lot of happy juju because honestly: neither of us are that excited about the wedding itself. We’re excited about the marriage & the fact that we’ll get to see each other on a daily basis!

I’ve felt like something was wrong with us too. Before we even got engaged it was planned out & lacked surprise/romance. We sat down at dinner & planned out our engagement & future. I picked the ring & I knew when he was going to propose because we only saw each other every few months. I wish I could have had the fairytale surprise engagement & a wonderful wedding planning experience… but these are the cards we’ve been dealt.

Being in a LDR is the worst. The only thing that gets me through is knowing that, while we’re apart now, we’ll have 50+ years together. In the grand scheme of life, a few months/years is nothing.

Post # 4
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You are definitely allowed to vent!  Don’t feel bad because this is what you think or feel…everyone is entitled to their own feelings!  I am newly engaged and working full-time while pursuing graduate studies part-time…and even though we are trying for a wedding next July, I am already feeling like there is so much to do!  And once school really gets going again, it is going to be a BUSY year!

He does love you…never worry about that!  Boys do not always understand that us females are so sensitive to tones and simple answers…such as your “yay”.  Just let him know that you understand he is busy and that he loves you, but that sometimes you feel like he doesn’t pay enough attention to you.  See how your visit goes…it may be that he is just as stressed being away from you too!  And maybe once you are together again, all these little things that bug you (and me…goodness knows I worry about the stupidest, smallest things sometimes…) will not seem so significant!

Good luck to you – and enjoy your time with your FH!

Post # 5
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I totally get this….join the club! I thought when we got engaged things would settle down. Instead, I find I need more time and more attention and just more input. I’m definitely more sensitive to his tone of voice and attitude. The other day FI said he didn’t really have time for me and I cried (I never cry!) for 2 hours straight. Sometimes it feels like I’m more needy but I know this isn’t me. It’s me trying to plan a wedding that’s supposed to be about us but he;s busy. And the worst part is it’s nobody’s fault so you can’t blame anyone. It just so happens we’re picking up the work and they are clueless as to how far a little appreciation or attention can go.

FI is visiting me after 2 months and it sounds like he’s equating it to a run to the store. Sometimes I miss when we weren’t engaged, because it seems like we were spending more time. I don’t know what the answer is, just want to let you know I totally understand. *Hugs*

Post # 7
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@ Rawrkitty, Recessionista & dance:

We should just e-mail each other LOL! At least it offers some support and hey I’ll even say I love you like I mean it if someone will return the favour! Deep breaths we just need to make it over the next couple of months girls!

Post # 9
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I am a LDR bride to be too!!!  In fact, my FI and I have been in a LDR for the past 5 years!!  This year is the last year we will be LD and, frankly, IT’S BY FAR THE HARDEST SO FAR!  I always thought that once we were engaged (got engaged 4 months ago), it would make me happier knowing that at least we will be married and the whole long distance thing won’t be so bad.  But I see other engaged couples around me who get to spend blissful time together and it just hurts.  It’d be nice for FI and I to go do wedding related things together whenever we feel like it.  Yet I have to plan around only the times he is in town. 

It helps me to keep my eyes focussed on the big day and not worry about all these months ahead of me that he will be gone.  I just keep saying to myself: “this time next year, no more LDR”… 

So ladies, I feel your pain too!!!  You’re definitely not alone in this crazy emotional engagement. 

Post # 10
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I can completely understand this too.. FI and I are LD and it’s been really hard on us.. When he was away for basic training from November to this past March, it seemed like it was easier than it is now.. Even though all we had was letters, we still seemed to be in tune with each other, but now that we actually have contact by phone, it feels like we’re not so much anymore.. He likes to go out all the time with his new freedom, and I feel like I’m left waiting at home to hear from him.. We were talking about our small civil ceremony one time, and he said “This is going to cost me so much money” and he sounded so exasperated.. It’s a civil ceremony!! It costs as much as the marriage license costs.. I mean, plus his plane ticket and whatever, but he gets that for leave anyways.. He also sounds less than excited to talk to me, gives me short answers when we text, and it’s so easy for him to say goodbye and get off the phone, even after we went through five months of cherishing our rare five minute phone calls that he was occasionally allowed.. We’ve been having really stupid arguments because of the distance, but we’re working on it.. But I can definitely tell you that you’re not alone.. Long distance DOES suck, but RecessionistaBride is right, it does help knowing that while it may be LD now, I’ll still have forever with him after we get through it..

Post # 11
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Oooh me too! me too!

We definitely had a break down over wedding planning last weekend, haha, where I was literally weeping on skype going, “But this is your stupid wedding too and it’s not fair that I have to plan everything and you should have to help and I don’t even care about the wedding I just want to be married…..” and he was freaking out because he didnt know how to get me to calm down from so far away, hahaha…

You’re not alone. I think all of us in LDE(ngagement)s feel that way at some point, if not most of the time.

For me, setting up a joint calendar (yay Google) and sharing spreadsheets of EVERYTHING (yay Google docs) has helped a lot. I put due dates for stuff on the calendar and then set it to email both of us. He gets to share the pressure a bit more that way, and understands WHY this is all so stressful, which helps motivate him to help me out, even as busy as he is (mine is in grad school too, plus teaching middle school full time, plus coaching soccer… I’m not even really sure whether I’ll get to see him when I finally DO move to DC! Hah!)

Anyway, feel free to vent here as often as you want – we’ve got a fair number of LDR bees and a LOT of LDR Graduates who can commiserate and share some wisdom that they’ve picked up along the way. 🙂

Post # 12
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I seriously think God sent me to your post!

FI and I aren’t technically long distance, we only live about 30 minutes away.  But, I am in grad school and he is in college and working and we usually only get to see each other one night a week and that is usually after he gets off work at 9.  So we see each other more than you do, but I still understand where you are coming from.

It’s AWFUL, I get upset about his lack of excitement, tone of his voice a lot and it’s to the point where he is getting frustrated and feeling like he can’t make me happy.  Like you said, I know he loves me, but I need that reassurance because we don’t get to see each other and experience the non-verbal forms of showing affection.  I have realized I need to have faith in our relationship and not second guess him all the time because it is making it that much harder.

I also don’t have any advice, except just remember there is an end in sight!

Post # 14
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Thanks @rawrkitty1022 for starting this!!  I am so thrilled to read this thread!!  I knew there were others like us but never thought I’d find any here on bee! 

@daydreamwanderer: That sounds exactly like the break down we had last week!!  It’s soooo hard to get FI involved in the planning process.  The spreadsheet idea won’t work for him because he never really has time to get on his lap top – and if he did, theirs tons of other things he’d rather be doing!  He’s in the military, works very long tiring days.  I’m suppose to be making a list of all the wedding related things I want the two of us to do together when he’s in town next.  I hate that idea but if it’s the only way he’s going to contribute, so be it!  I just wish we could have a normal engagement… 

@armywife1029: My FI went through basic training 4 years ago.  What you are describing sounds just like the stage we went through.  Writing letters was nice but then we had to adjust to his new life and my new life apart from each other.  I had a hard time accepting that he was going to make new friends and want to hang out with them a lot and party and do all those things that military people do on the weekends!  It took me a few years to realize this but the last thing he needs is to be on the phone with his girlfriend/fiance all night when he could be out having fun and venting away stress.  Now, don’t get me wrong, we talk A LOT.  But we set aside certain days and times to be on the phone for hours.  One of the worse times to talk is right after he gets off work.  My FI says only two words too when I call him.  In fact, we still never have a decent conversation until the weekends.  My other suggestion to you is to meet his new friends!!  If you put a picture and a personality to the names then you feel more comfortable.  Good luck!  You WILL make it through, you’re not the only one that has to endure this.

Post # 15
Member
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

THIS. All of this. I totally relate. The only thing that is getting me through is that it is almost over! But it sucks and I have never found any way to make it suck less.

Post # 16
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Ladies, I hear you, I hear you all. LDR is sucky to the extreme.  FI and I have a pretty good schedule now for the planning process, which is working for us, and I will share.

I too felt completely disenchanted by the whole engagement process, alone and (slightly) resentful – hey it’s a “girls job’ to plan right? gag…

I, after many many discussions, most of which started and ended with my begging him to elope with me so that we didnt have to plan, decided to try something else.

Now, I do the initial research for vendors.  For whatever reason I dont mind searching endlessly through the gazillion different types of bands, djs, photogs etc in the area, but i hate.hate.hate making the initial contact, so thats FI’s job! After I’ve narrowed the vendor list from 100 to 2 or 3, I send the list to FI. He usually calls after work, or during his lunch break and then directs them to either of us for further meetings etc.

Honestly it has rejuvenated my outlook on our planning and on our relationship in general. I’d love to hear any other suggestions you all have, because I am sure we will reach a hiccup in the future.

It is a lifesaver having you all here for support!

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