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Ok so I understand the need for etiquette and I've tossed and turned over the rule about inviting children...I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I think the rules about inviting children to weddings are not always applicable.
There are a ton of kids I want at my wedding. And a ton of kids it would not even occur to me to invite. We have friends and family with children that I love, but Im sorry, my dad's friends who are invited because we love them and they've been in our lives have 2 sullen teenagers who have maybe said 3 words to me my entire life and I've known them for 30 years. Etiquette states if I'm inviting kids then I have to invite theirs as well, why?
This isn't the only situation on our guest list I've come across if it was just one situation I would grin and bear it and invite them but this is happening all over my guest list. If I say yes to all kids, my guest list literally quadruples and I'm already at 175 having excluded some people's children (invites have not gone out yet).
So hive I ask, how many of you are blatantly ignoring the etiquette about inviting children and picking and choosing who you want at your wedding?
(for the record, If I could have it my way I would invite anyone and everyone because I genuinely don't want to hurt people's feelings, really it's no skin off my back to have kids there, it's just a matter of numbers at this point. My venue can hold 130 maximum and I've got too many people.)
We are not inviting children to our wedding, and I am putting that information on my invites. Im not traditional at all and with this, I could care less about etiquette.
@Aisling10: The issue you will run into is guests getting upset they had to leave their precious terrors at home.
For our wedding, we included in the invite a note that said "Due to the reverence of the ceremony and because the reception will last late into the evening, children under 13 can not be accomidated"
Everyone left their babies home becuase they wanted a night out to drink. My SIL had to bring our 2yo nephew however because we did not have anymore money for a babysister and my DHs family is from 15 hours away.
My family was miffed at my for allowing my new nephew there but what could I do?
It is either all or nothing. But you could say that on your invite and then secretly let those you like know they can bring their kids
but make sure it stays quiet
Kids were not invited to our wedding but we made exceptions for immediate family.
Interesting post. I too have wondered about this idea of ettiquette, because we certainly don't invite every adult we know. We pick and choose and invite those we are close to, whether that is a coworker, friend or relative. Why the distinction for kids, the rule that if you invite one, you must invite all or folks' feeling will be hurt? (And by this I'm more talking about the feelings of the big kids, the adults.) Frankly, why *can't* you invite only those kids that you actually know? Now I understand why you can't pick and choose kids within a family. But if you see John's kids every other week when you have dinner with him, but have never met Sally's, why do you have to invite Sally's if you want to invite John's?
We are not inviting any kids under 12 living at home except my nephew, who will likely be ring bearer and is son of my MOH. He's our only nephew(/niece) and we see him regularly as part of the immediate family, so if folks don't understand why he is invited, they are unreasonable and overly sensitive. (The 12 line is drawn because we both have cousins still living at home age 13, 15, 17 that there is no question will come, because we actually see them. Most of our friend's kids are 6 and younger.) We would let the groomsman bring his twins, age 9 months, except they've already told us they want a night off.
ETA: My one dilemna is a high school friend who told me she won't fly out there if her kids aren't invited, even by herself and leaving hubby at home. Fair enough, I appreciate the cost of tickets with kids (although she isn't the only one flying). We are throwing a casual BBQ rehearsal dinner in the afternoon that kids are welcome at, but if she wants her kid at the reception as well, the only way I can see to do that would be to have her daughter as flower girl. I've haven't decided one way or the other.
I'm also breaking the rules by putting "we hope you will take advantage of a fun night out and kindly request that this event be adults only"... RIGHT ON THE INFO CARD! AHHHHHH
Anyway. Ours is different because we're only having FI's nieces as our flower girls, and thats it. I didn't really even want them, but it'd cause an uproar otherwise. YOu can invite whomever you want at the end of the day, but you should be prepared for people to be SUPER pissed if you tell them they can't bring their kid, but they see a bunch of other kids there. Keep in mind your wedding is one day, and the consequences of a pissed off parent or family member could last for way, way longer.
I voted the first option BUT I do have a rhyme and reason for it.
I am only inviting children I know and am close to. Such as my sisters children and those of my close friends. There are some couples (both family and friends) I am inviting that I really don't know the kids, or they are friends from work and things like that, and there kids will not be invited. One example is my Uncle. I catch up with him frequently but I never see his there kids. His eldest I have met once, and the other two I have never met. And the eldest just started high school. But he is living in a strange marital situation....(he is basically a door mat and is looking after his wife and her boy friend that she shipped in from the states who doesn't have a work visa.)
ANYWAY that is besides the point
I love kids at Weddings, but I am reserving the priveledge for those kids I know in at least more than a passing manner.
Invite who you want. Some of your invitations will invite an entire family, children and all, and some will only invite the adults of a houshold. I don't see it as being any different from inviting some coworkers and not others.
Are these teens old enough be home alone?
If yes, I don't think there is any problem only inviting the parents.
I think if you know the kids as much as you know the parents you should invite them. If you only know the parents I don't see the point of inviting the kids.
I think it only gets complicated and is an all or nothing situation when you are talking about close friends and family and their children that you know well!
We are inviting some kids, but not others. It all started because of FI's family. From the day I met them, the mother of "the kids", FMIL, and FI's grandma told me how horrible these kids are. Their behavior has no words. When FI and I get engaged, the whole family said it would be a good idea not to bring "the kids" along (ages 11, 8, 5). FI and I thought that was a good idea because he cannot stand his cousins, except for "the kids'" sister, who is 21 and a BM. Well, on my side, all of my cousins would be invited except my 7 year old cousin, who I just made a FG to get around the "rule". BUT, FI has relatives from OOT with kids, a total of 3 (ages 15, 8, 7). All of them are very well behaved, so we're going to say that since they are OOT, they are invited.
FI's grandma is already giving me a hard time. She and FMIL told me at Thanksgiving that if we say 'no kids' that means absolutely no kids. Well, they aren't paying a dime, FI doesn't like the kids, and from day 1, the whole family told me it would be best not to invite the kids....so they can shut up and leave me alone.
@KristenGotMarried: I like this idea! I don't know why people are so offended when their kids don't get invited. And the common reason I've heard is "well my kids would REALLY want to be there and they don't want to miss it" REALLY? would they? or would it be like the wedding I went to as a kid where I barely remember it? I think adults have ulterior motives for wanting their kids there. Either they think their kids are "little adults" and go anywhere and everywhere with them or they want to show their kids off to friends and family? I've never met anyone who "can;t find a babysitter" that's BS unless everyone in your circle is attending the same wedding....
Somewhat. We are having a "no kids 10 and under" rule, and there are a couple guests with kids in that age. One of them is my very close first cousin, who was 3 other siblings (youngest of whom is 19) who will be there, so it doesn't make sense not to invite him. Another, more distant, cousin of mine has 4 or so kids (I honestly don't even know how many) with ages ranging 2 yrs to 30ish yrs, but none of her kids will be invited because I hardly know any of them. It's not favoritism/rudeness, it's just the fact that I'm close with one of the kids and have never even met the others, so why would I uninvite the one I'm close to, or invite the ones I've never met, just to be "equal"?
I don’t agree with the “all or nothing” mentality when it comes to children and weddings. Most of the “kids” that we included were teenagers with the exception of our RB who was 6. We did not include any other children (not even our niece who was 6 weeks old at the time). The children who we did include were there because they were either in the wedding (my cousins 2- ushers and 1- RB) or from OOT (DH’s cousins).
I touched on the exceptions on our website so that atleast the info was out there. I let it be known ahead of time that while it was an “adults only” wedding, the kids who were part of the bridal party and any from OOT (thankfully just DH’s 2 cousins) would be in attendance. There was not a single complaint or douchebag rule breaker who took it upon themselves to bring their offspring. Those who were parents found sitters for their kids and considered our wedding a night off.
We invited the children of all the out-of-town guests. What that means is that the only kids who will show up are FI's cousins, my two former students (who are the daughters of a bridesmaid and will be the flower girls), and then three more randoms. People might get miffed, but they can deal with it.
@kay01: that's a good point! We pick and choose the adults we want there but we're not allowed to pick and choose kids? I agree that if you invite say one cousin's children you should invite the other cousins children if they're part of the same side of the family (ie. all of my mother's siblings, children, children...) but I don't need my coworkers children there or my one friend who thinks its appropriate to bring her 11 yr old everywhere we go (even adult parties where drinking is involved) I just think you have to draw the line somewhere and it doesn't necessarily need to be at the expense of others who I want at my wedding...dang the rules I'm going rogue!
For those who only invited children of a certain age...what do you do when you have a couple of entries on your guest list who have a mix of both. Say 1 child over 12 yrs but two under. Or two children over 12, but one 10 yr old? Do you invite the whole family or stick to your rule. You can see how exceptions can snowball! I'd rather invite the whole family and exclude someone else's children whom I don't really know...does that make sense?
I don't agree with the "all or nothing" thing, either. I'm sorry, but you are simply closer to some people than others. Thus, it would make sense that you are simply closer to some children than others.
We're not inviting any children at all, not even flower girls, or ringbearers, or anyone. The only one in the wedding party who has children is the best man. He has 4 kids (with 3 under 3) and they are the worst behaved children I have ever encountered in my life (and I'm an elementary school teacher). So yeah, no kids are coming to ours, but for other weddings, I think it's ok to invite some but not others.
We had no children with the exception of our neice and nephew. They are the only kids who are in our immediate family. My neice was 15 mos and my nephew 13 y/o. I didn't care if that miffed other people, honestly. It's their perogotive to be upset, but it's mine to not give a flip.
More than likely, the only kids invited will be my two kids and my nieces and nephews. I have a couple close friends who I KNOW are going to probably be miffed their kids aren't invited, but oh well. One friend has two kids..her daughter is allergic to EVERYTHING and her son is the biggest brat I've ever met in my life. He is wild, destructive, mean, whiny, ugh. I just KNOW she is going to be super pissed but that's her problem!
yeah I'm sort of past caring at this point. I'm not paying however much a plate for your kid to pick at his food and throw it on the ground. I think I'm going to get a couple babysitters and put some info on the website about them being available and hope for the best. MOST of my friends are going to be fine with it I'm sure...fingers crossed
no kids..... our invitations say "Formal, Adult Reception".
Same boat... there is no way we can invite all our family and friends' children - our venue is small. (Even with a larger venue, the budget would simply not allow all children!)
There are definitely some kids we want to include -- our nieces and nephews and children of those in our (small) wedding party. But there are others we're inviting because of how close we are to their parents. We socialize with them weekly, for example, or go on vacation with them. But then I feel bad because I don't really have a "rule" that I am following. So thank you all for suggesting we can pick and choose children just as we do adults... I've been fretting over this and it makes me feel better!
I feel like there are several weddings we have attended that have made exceptions for close family members, but didn't invite others children. I don't think it is a guarantee if you are invited to a co-worker/acquaintance's wedding, that your kids will be invited as well (if you're married or in a serious relationship, I think all you are basically promised is a plus 1). I can remember my parents attending a few weddings when I was little without me - and I don't see why it is such a big deal.
We didn't invite all of our cousin's children, because we were paying a fairly significant amount per head and that would have increased our cost significantly. My FIL in one of 12 children, and he's one of the youngest, so almost all of DH's cousins on that side have children. About 80% of DH's second cousins we've only met once or twice, and we couldn't tell you their names or even recognize their picture. If we would have invited them, it easily would have added 20-30 kids (who we didn't even know), which would have increased our cost substantially (more tables, centerpieces, favors, plates, etc.). A few people chose to attend the ceremony only, without their kids. That was fine with us. If we were close with a child (i.e., attended their birthday parties, saw them on holidays, they actually knew US and could identify us by name, etc.) they were invited. Otherwise, the invite was to the couple only.
we didnt invite kids but we had some show up anyways and we did have the kids in the wedding come. and it was tricky cause we have nieces that are still pretty young and we couldnt not invite them. So we did immidiate family and the kids in the wedding.
plus we let people know WAAAAAY in advance-gave contact information for baby sitters-so the people who acted like they were shocked about the information were the people who decided not to come because they didnt have time to find a sitter. They had over a year to find one so they didnt get an exception!
Yeah I think if you want to come to our wedding that badly you'll find a sitter. Or make arrangements somehow. We would never tell people from out of twon that they can't bring their kids so that's not an issue. But if you're a mother and you have a whole family of children you'll find a sitter becuase you would if it was some other important event you were going to. If you're looking for an excuse not to travel and don't really want to be there, then I don't care if you come either!
@UpstateCait: This.
Kids can REALLY make or break the invitation list limit. Our venue only holds 150, and we are already at 152 and HAVE to find room for 6 more.
I'm really close with some of my cousin's kids who live on the west coast, and not at all close with some of the local cousins's kids. You just validated my plan!
We are inviting nieces and nephews and my 4 cousins. We want all of them there. No one else is bringing kids.
How about adult children?? FMIL seems to think that we need to invite adult children who FI only sees once a year and I would not really consider them friends! WTF.
@Ms. Martian: for me it's not a matter of age of the children. I don't mind having young children there, it's more a matter of numbers for me. I think every person's family is different. If I could get away with saying "adult children only" and still have all my nearest and dearest make the cut then I would do that, but my family is scattered all over the place in terms of age and there is no logical cut-off in age. So now I have to make my own rules....
The only child invited is my nephew who is my ring bearer, and he might not stay for the reception. This is causing a little friction with my sister who will have an 8 month old at the time of the wedding who is not invited. The no kids decision was based on many things including space, cost, and the fact that we want an adult atmosphere.
I feel that you have the right to invite who you want and if that includes some children and not others, so be it.
@Aisling10: It's the same for us. Our nieces/nephews/cousins range from 4 years old to 21! I have a very small family here so even though we're inviting everyone it's still only 9 people. What I meant about the adult children is for friends of our parents. They not only want to invite their friends but the children, which IMO is silly, we have no connection to them nor do we spend time with them outside of a yearly BBQ.
I think you're fine. I honestly don't give a crap about this age/kids etiquette. We are inviting who we want there and that's that.
I don't think you have to invite all kids. But if you're inviting for example two sets of cousins: one with their kids and one without, then thats a different matter. I will invite those I know, not those I feel obliged to invite. :)
I say who cares. FI and I are inviting his little brother and sister (ages 8 and 4) his sis is my flower girl. And we are also inviting my little cousins (age 11 and twins age 8) partially because they are the only little cousins I have and secondly as fate would our wedding day is their birthday and my aunt feels bad leaving them on their birthday.
I have never seen any authority on etiquette declare that kids are all or nothing. So unfortunately, I think you are mistaken about the 'rule'.
A host can invite or not invite guests of his choosing. You can choose to exclude blondes or fat people so long as you don't advertise the reason. If you just don't send them an invite you are free to do so.
That doesn't mean there won't be hurt feelings. You can do the correct thing by etiquette standards and still hurt people.
It is often suggested to have a blanket rule because people don't want to deal with the fall out of having Bob's kids but not Sam's. Its easier for some people to say 'no kids'.
My rule is none of my guests childrens are allowed. Adult only, but the only children I will have there are my neices and nephews. I want them there, they are my blood, and I am very close to them all and I want them to celebrate with us. I have things planned for them though. Their ages range from 5yrs-13yrs old. The venue that I am using has a room designated for kids, that is connected to the reception room. They also have an Xbox in there, sofas, tables, and I will provide other fun activities for them. So, the kids can go back and forth from the kids room to the reception whenever. Plus they will still be close enough to keep watch on them. I think it's rude if other guest bring their kids, when you state "no kids". But, if the kids are related to the bride and groom and you are okay with them there, then its okay. It's your celebration, I think you can make whatever rule you want to.
Kids aren't invited. Don't care about etiquette. If people can't (or won't) make it because their kids can't come, we totally understand that and we're fine with it. It's our wedding, and we just don't want kids there. No big deal for us!
@andielovesj: I hear ya. What I meant by the "rule" was that any time I read a post on WB about inviting kids people always mentioned the common etiquette that "most" people use, which is all or nothing. Any time I'd asked before, people always said, "you can't invite some people's kids and not others" but almost everyone who answered said they had at least one exception to their chosen 'rule.' Before I started reading WB I didn't even know it was an issue, I always just assumed people invited who they wanted. Same thing goes for putting people are certain tables, didn't know it was an issue until I read WB, who cares if you're at table 2 or table 15, it's not a commentary on my feelings for you lol
I'm ignoring the rules too. We have an issue that FI's closest cousins have kids, and they are OOT with not a lot of options, so it's pretty much either we invite their kids, or they can't come. Since it would make us sad to not have these cousins there, we are sucking it up and just letting their kids come. The way we have phrased it is OOT (family) guests children are invited.
I am still hoping they can make other arrangements though. Bah. This thing has caused more fights and headaches than anything else in the wedding planning.
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