Post # 1
Help is needed! Growing up I always wavered between wanting children and not wanting children. When I hit my 20’s I decided I didn’t want children. I enjoy my freedom. I can eat cereal for dinner if I’m too lazy to cook (and if the mister is away). I get to stay out drinking on the weekend and love sleeping in. I can have nice (expensive) things. In college I worked with severely disabled children (autism diagnoses) and it scared me. Then…I met my mister. I want so badly for him to be a dad – more importantly, to be the dad he didn’t have. He is so wonderful with his goddaughter. He makes up great stories for the little ones and lets them climb all over him as if he were a tree.
I don’t know if I want to give up my comfortable life for a child. I don’t know what would happen if I was told my child wouldn’t enjoy an “a-typical” life and was diagnosed with something scary. My mom always wanted to be a mom. My aunts always wanted to be moms. My friends always wanted to be moms…please tell me I’m not alone.
Post # 3
I grew up absolutely not wanting children or wanting to get married. I was the kid who wanted to be a spy and/or a rockstar and never played house (and when I had to, I was the awesome neighbor–other kids would be like, “I’ll be your baby!” and I would be like, “Yeahno…That isn’t happening.”). My FI was the same way, actually. He never thought he’d find someone who’d want to marry him.
When I started dating (18) I thought that I could see myself getting married eventually, if I found the right person. Then I started being around small children (I had little to no experience with kids before my 20s) and found that they loved me and that most kids are pretty cool.
I think I’ll be a great mom, but it still scares me, you know?
Post # 4
I love my friends children…but I’m worried that I also love the novelty of handing them off to their parents when they’re screaming.
Not to pat myself on the back but I think I’d be a kick ass mom. I make the most killer cupcakes and have a craft closet to die for. But I like “me” time.
@vorpalette: I’m glad someone else can relate.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Meh… I wouldn’t worry about it. Your feelings may shift on this as you change. As long as you aren’t pushing 40 and in true biological need of a quick decision on the matter, you can wait and see how your thoughts and feelings evolve after getting married and maybe crossing a few other things off of your bucket list.
FWIW, I was not one to want kids. I got knocked up at 17 and was pressured to become a parent even though it wasn’t what I wanted for myself. Fine. Whatever. I did it. I was an okay Mom, and I bumbled my way along through the years. Now, here I am with a kid in high school, and I finally actually want to have (another) child. It hit me out of nowhere, and all of the sudden my biological clock is ticking very loudly in my ear at the age of 33. But up until a month ago, I was somewhere between utter indifference and totally opposed to having a baby. So things can change. You just have to roll with it.
Post # 6
@MrsBudz2Bee: I feel ya. Even now after I’ve gotten married, I am still scared outta my mind about having kid of my own. Other people’s kids are great! Mine? Idk.
Everyone tells me how things change. My coworker does it all the time. “You’ll feel differently when you have a kid,” “That’ll change when you have a daughter,” “Priorities change when there’s a kid.” Over and over and over! I don’t want this to happen. Sometimes when she tells me these things I think, “I wouldn’t change. Does that make me a bad/selfish mother?”
I’m not sure if some magic switch will turn on eventually, but for right now I am not ready for kids.
Post # 7
if you’re not sure if you want a child, you shouldn’t have it. plenty of people regret getting pregnant and having children but obviously never admit it. it isn’t healthy for you or the child
Post # 8
Having kids to make someone else a parent is a poor decision, in my opinion. And making them a parent so that they can counteract all the stuff their parents messed up is even worse. The only good reason to have kids, in my eyes, is for THEM. Otherwise, it’s too selfish a reason for something that is a really, really hard lifetime job.
Post # 9
I don’t think a person needs to “always want to be a mom” to be a good mom. Especially in this day and age, now that women are treated much more equally, we don’t grow up being told that’s all that’s out there for us in life. So I think it’s pretty normal to not be sure of that.
It’s totally normal to not be sure if you want to give up the nice freedoms of childfree life. I think it’s a tradeoff, and I’ve always kind of felt I could be happy either way, although I know if we have kids or we don’t, I’ll always mourn the other option a little bit.
Have you tried talking to your SO? See how he feels about it, and share your worries?
Post # 10
Let me clarify…my partner DOES want children. He would love a whole baseball team of kids. He and I love children – other people’s children. I would love to give him the chance to be a dad because he wants it (not just so he can do what his father didn’t).
Post # 11
@MrsBudz2Bee: Yeah, I meant more just talking to him about your fears/concerns. Hearing what he has to say, and if he has similar fears, etc, might help?
Post # 12
@MrsBudz2Bee: I think there’s moments in our lives where what we want and where we’re going become clear and apparent, until that moment happens for you, I think its totally normal to oscillate between wanting and not wanting them….my advice would be to keep an open mind and avoid forcing or rushing yourself, it will be clear when its clear.
Post # 13
@tee22: Yes, we’ve discussed it and he has always said he would support whatever my decision was. I wouldn’t want him to resent me if we didn’t have children. When we started getting serious I explained that I have a sleu of health issues that might actually make having our own children very hard. I told him this was his easy out and if it was a dealbreaker for him that I would understand. He said “if it’s meant to happen…cool. if not we travel the world as ex-pats and eat cheese until we explode”. I couldn’t have a better match.
Post # 14
You are not alone, OP. No one is guaranteed anything, and having a healthy baby isn’t one of them. I think about that a lot & wonder if I’d ever take that chance. It’s something you are committed to for life, so don’t rush it until you are completely sure.
Post # 15
I think there’s a big difference between not wanting kids and being unsure of if you’ll be a good mom, being scared of how your life will change, and feeling some major trepidation about making such a big decision.
That’s kinda where I’m at. I want kids, but I’m scared to death that I won’t like it or I’ll be bad at it or I’ll hate how my life changes. But I want a baby. But I want to be able to have wine with dinner and sleep in on the weekends and go on sweet vacations.
Post # 16
@MrsBudz2Bee: If you do decide to have kids, I think you would be a great parent, if only because you’ve thought about what a complex decision and major responsibility it is. I’m in your same shoes — I’ve never been totally sure if I do want kids, I love my life the way it is, but I also think my FI would be the world’s best dad and I love my younger cousins/my friends’ kids. Just seeing my friends become parents, I think everyone figures it out once they’re in it — much like marriage, I guess.