- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
If you want black tie, just say black tie. If you want guests to have an option, I would say black tie optional. I agree that black tie preferred sounds a little off.
That's the thing, we don't want people to feel obligated to buy/rent tuxes if they don't have them. But we do want to indicate that it's a formal wedding. So maybe optional would be better...
If you list anything about black tie, it implies you want them to buy a tux. You could just say "formal attire" or "semi-formal" which to me, both indicate dress pants, a dres shirt, and a tie for men and a cocktail dress for women. Also if your invitations look fancy, that'll imply it's a nicer wedding too
@ejs & @pharmy: we'd prefer that if guests don't wear tuxes, they wear suits, not just a shirt and tie (I know, I sounds completely stuck up, don't I?) so I feel like formal attire isn't quite descriptive enough.
All the groomsmen and fathers will be in tuxes, bridesmaids in long dresses, and my mom, my FMIL, and my mom's friends are all wearing gowns as well, if that makes a difference?
Is black tie optional itself really obnoxious too?
Well..I guess that "black tie" is really the only way to get across the fact that you want them to wear tuxes....but, a lot of people don't HAVE tuxes, and you said you don't want people to go out and rent them soo...maybe you're just going to have to bite the bullet on this one? You can't control what everybody wears, try as you might (and wish as you might!).
I don't think you can specify "suit attire" necessarily. There is black tie and there is nothing.
Seriously guys do not wear their coats, even with a tux they'll be taking them off. They're really quite hot.
It's not unusual for groomsmen+dads to be in tuxes and bridesmaids and older women to wear long gowns and the wedding still be "formal attire"
I don't think black tie optional is going to make everyone think "hmm, i COULD wear a tux, but now i'm going to wear a suit and tie"
Honestly most of the older men will wear suit jackets. It's the ones who are in their 20's who won't.
@pharmy: oh, I totally understand that not everyone has tuxes, and we definitely don't expect people to go ahead and buy/rent them. Black/dark suits are totally cool too. So I guess optional is maybe my best bet. Preferred just seems...off, as @cakegal said. I just don't want anyone showing up in jeans or anything like that (not that I think we have anyone who would, but you never know...).
I would go with "black-tie optional". It still let's guests know that the wedding will be formal, but if they don't own or don't want to rent a tux they do not neccessairly have to. But still need to dress up at the same time w/ suit and etc.
hilsy85- It will mostly depend on what is traditional in your area, but I think you will only have a problem with the younger guys. Perhaps you fiance and the groomsmen could spread your preferences by word of mouth to their friends.
I think "black tie optional" is good. For the people who don't own tuxes, they'll know that it's formal enough to warrant a full suit, not just the pants, shirt, and tie. Even if you didn't put anything, I think most guys would show up in a full suit. That's pretty standard wedding attire for men. Do you want women to wear long or short dresses? If an invite says black tie, I'm going for a long dress. If it doesn't, then I'm going with a nice cocktail dress.
@BostonBee: either would be fine, either a long dress or a very nice/fancy cocktail dress. And I agree, I think most men would show up in suits if we didn't put anything. I just want people to know that they can wear tuxes if they want to (a lot of our family/friends have tuxes that they like to bust out!). I think we're going to do black tie optional...thanks for the feedback everyone! :)
@cakegal: I feel like NYC is a more formal area for weddings, so even our friends will know to dress up--hopefully! I'll definitely have FI pass the word to his buddies, just in case.
Black tie optional, to me, is the wording that people are used to seeing. I think it gets across the message you are going for.
we wrestled with this and ended up just putting "black tie." really its unlikely that someone not in the wedding party will go rent or buy a tux for your wedding because they feel obligated. it was conveyed to us that if you say "black tie optional" then no one will take that option and everyone will just wear suits. with "black tie" those who own tuxes will wear them, everyone else will wear a dark suit, which most men have and we are fine with that. we are having an evening formal affair at the ritz and we want more than sport coats. if you truly "prefer" black tie, then just say black tie.
as an fyi - my cousin had a black tie wedding last year - my now FI didn't own a matching dark suit, so we rented him a tux. his entire ensemble w/ cufflinks and everything was less than $100 from men's warehouse. which for a girl, is nothing! that's like less than what my shoes cost for that wedding. i don't have any problem with people renting tuxes if they want to and are so inclined.
if you want a formal wedding but dont want to mandate people buy or rent tuxes, just say "black tie optional" it mandates at least a nice suit for men and anywhere in the range of cocktail to formal dresses for women.
thats what we have.
if you do black tie - just say "black tie"
If you really don't mind if people wear dark suits and nice dresses, I don't know if I'd put black tie optional, I think guests might interpret this differently. I can't see anyone going to a wedding in the city being less dressed up than that. Personally, when I receive an invite that says "black tie optional" in the city, I assume it means that you really do need to wear a tux or a gown, and that seems to be how it turns out... but I don't know, that might just be my experience.
@tangeriney - is that an NYC thing? it always happens at weddings i go to with NYers there - they are always over dressed! :) now i know why.
technically black tie optional means you are invited to wear a tux if you want, but a nice suit (dark colored) is welcome as well. but if you are having the wedding in NYC - i would take into account what tangeriney says - people in NYC always "dress to impress"
so if what you want is tuxes, and you put black tie optional on there, everyoen will show up in tuxes?
I think "black tie preferred" is a pretty standard expression. My friend has "Black Tie Requested" written on hers, which might be slightle more gentle, and it doesn't bother me a bit.
My opinion is you should say black tie optional, because yes what you suggested could be offensive to some people. When you say black-tie optional, it lets people know that your wedding is a formal affair. Do you really want ALL of yous guest showing up in tuxedos and evening gowns?
I don't necessarily WANT people to show up in tuxes--only if they already have them, which a good number of our guests do. But I also don't want them to show up in a shirt and slacks and feel out of place. As for women, I think it's easier, because as many of you said, fancy cocktail dresses are appropriate as well, and I'm perfectly happy with that for guests our age. For the older crowd, I would probably prefer long dresses on the women.
I think I'm going to go for black tie optional. I sent it to our invitation designer and we'll see what she thinks!
@spaganya: I do think NYC tends to be a bit fancier and people get more dressed up for events than they might in other parts of the country. However, I've been to black tie (just plain black tie) events, and I've worn cocktail dresses and seen men there in black suits, which didn't look out of place.
We put "Black Tie Optional" on our website. When I looked it up, etiquette said that "Black Tie Optional" meant the affair was formal enough for tuxes, but a dark suit would be fine for men, and cocktail dresses for women. I really didn't want anyone to run out and buy/rent tuxes. I just wanted to let them know they may opt to dress more formally.
In any case, aside from the grooms and the groomsmen and FOB, I don't think a single person was in a tux. Most were in very modern fashion-forward suits, perhaps because I had a big NYC crowd. And that was exactly what I wanted. I don't think people take those things as set in stone, just as a general guideline for the mood of the evening. I wouldn't worry too much about it.
I agree with "black tie optional" over "black tie requested" or "black tie preferred". I think with the latter two expressions, people will really feel that they have to go out and rent a tux or wear a long gown. With "black tie optional", people understand that a nice suit or a fancy cocktail dress are options, but that it is still a formal event, and anything less than that would not be options. It sounds like this is the message that you're going for.
@RedCactus: Good to know that it worked out for you...I'm guessing we'll have a similar crowd and there will be plenty of people in dark suits, which is fine. However, I do know that FI's friends like to fancify themselves sometimes, so maybe they'll all break out the tuxes, which I think would be fun! I think that I'm also waaaaay over thinking this :)
Whether is says "black tie preferred" or "black tie optional" I would read that as FI needs to rent a Tux and I need to buy a long gown. Optional to me means that you can wear one if you like and if you don't you will probably be undressed, and preferred seems as though you are saying wear a tux.
@roxy: I see what you mean...I guess I see "optional" differently, but either way, as long as the guests are dressed to a certain level of formality, it's fine with me.
Oh yeah... I should add... originally when we sent our out save-the-dates, our wedding website included wording that the dress at our wedding would be "black tie optional". Almost immediately I started getting questions from friends about whether "black tie optional" meant that they really needed to wear a tux or a long gown. I still want my wedding to be fairly formal, but after all of the questions I received, I backed down and switched the dress to "cocktail attire" instead. Since then I haven't received any more questions about what people should wear.
That's just some food for thought.
Of course, my wedding will take place outdoors in Maine, under a tent. It will still be a formal wedding, but it certainly won't by a NYC wedding. So in our case, cocktail attire probably is the more appropriate choice...
If I saw "black tie optional" I wouldn't tell my hubs to go rent a tux, a suit works. I think most ppl will feel the same way when they read this.
For what it's worth, FI and I went to a "black tie optional" wedding and he wore his good black suit and I wore a knee-length LBD. We did not feel under-dressed at all. I would say half the people there were dressed like us, and half went all out in tuxes and floor-length gowns. Most of the "younger" folks like us didn't rent/buy tuxes and gowns.
@skibobrown: hmm good point. And I remember Miss Hamster saying something similar in a recent blog post. So maybe Black Tie Requested would be better...oy, I am sick of thinking about this, lol.
I agree with @skibobrown's first post. Optional means you wouldn't be out of place wearing a tux, but it's your choice. It's less for the men, to me, then for the women, because it lets us know that it's a formal wedding, so this isn't the time for the cute dressy sundress and beaded flip flops - this is the time for classy cocktail attire or long gown if you have it. I think "preferred" just puts a little bit of pressure on guests, like you'll be disappointed if they don't rent tuxes or buy gowns.
I like "Black Tie Optional" - it means exactly what it says - it's an option should you choose it.
I went to a wedding in Oct that was "Black Tie" - I wore an old bridesmaid dress & FI & my Dad wore tuxes. Most of the men were in a tux as well.
I think words like, requested, preferred, etc. impy that you want men in a tux and women in a gown. "Optional" implies that there will be people there dressed very formal and you don't have to do the same, but you should dress accordingly - ie: no sundresses or khakis & a blazer.
I think for a NYC wedding people will know to dress up.
Also, FWIW, if we received an invitation that said either Black Tie or Black Tie Preferred or Black Tie optional, FI would not rent a tux and I wouldn't go out and buy a long dress for one night. I mean frankly we just don't care that much. I get that people want to have formal weddings but you can look formal without doing all that.
Just another 2 cents...
According to the old school of social rules, specifying dress of any kind is "unneccessary," ie the formality of the invitation, the event location, and the time of day should provide enough clues on how guests should dress.
That being said, even stodgy old experts like Crane's realize now that people might need a hint if you have a younger or otherwise less etiquette-inclined crowd. However, "Black tie optional" is said to be more frowned upon and possibly more confusing to guests than just saying outright "Black tie."
That being said -- I've always been partial to the phrasing "Black tie invited" when I've gotten invites with a mention of dress...I think it does sound better than "requested" or "preferred"
PS - and one of those other interesting points of etiquette that I just learned recently: when saying "Black tie," the "B" is always supposed to be capitalized and the "t" is lower case.
@Dancy: exactly, it's an OPTION for guests to wear tuxes if they have them. If they don't, I definitely don't expect them to go out and get them.
@Kittyachi: right! So if FI didn't have a tux, he wouldn't go get one just for the wedding...but if he did have one, would he wear it?
@Madras: yeah, I know Black Tie Optional is hated by Emily Post, lol. But I guess it's one of those etiquette rules I'm willing to throw out...I do like invited as well, but I don't think it's as common (here, at least), and I'm worried it might confuse people. But thanks for the tip!
My Fi and I are putting semi-casual attire No jeans please on the invites because we know poeple who would try to get away with wearing jeans.
I'd say "black tie optional"
And then do, what I did, and put a "What do I wear to this wedding?" page on your wedding website.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Lyndzo | 46 |
| Brielle | 26 |
| funkymunky85 | 26 |
| AshleyR83 | 24 |
| rebwana | 24 |
| mypinkshoes | 23 |
| his chippymunk | 23 |
| Ms. Salamander | 23 |
| beargoose | 22 |
| kat2014 | 22 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Brielle | 4 |
| jpmorgan | 3 |
| violet25 | 3 |
| jules28 | 3 |
| simpleandchic | 2 |
| AshleyR83 | 2 |
| TwoNerds | 2 |
 Myrnac13 |
2 |
| rebwana | 2 |
| TwoCityBride | 2 |
We're trying to finalize the wording for our invitations. FI wants "black tie preferred". If you saw that on an invitation, would you think the bride and groom are snobby? There's just something about the word preferred that rubs me the wrong way, but it's his preference...