- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Interesting article. While I don't agree the cheating is ever deserved, the author makes a great point about the importance of respect. Being disrespectful and and emotionally cruel is just as much a breaking of the vows as cheating.
So, I wouldn't say that anyone (including Kate Gosselin) deserves to be cheated on. I mean, I agree that Kate Gosselin is a horrible, abusive woman and I think that it is true that Jon Gosselin does NOT deserve what he gets from her all day. But no one deserves to have a spouse cheat. They obviously needed to be in marital counseling looonnnng ago.
never in a million years is cheating "deserved" that's awful
while kate is no saint, never in a milion years does she deserve to be cheated on, if she treated him like crap they should have gone to counselling instead of relieving pressure thru extramarital affairs
The article raises some interesting points, and I absolutely agree that disrespect and verbal abuse are terrible things in a marriage. But I have a problem with the idea that cheating is somehow an appropriate response. I do understand why it would be appealing to have an affair when your spouse doesn't treat you well, but cheating doesn't solve the problem of disrespect in the marriage. Someone like Jon needs to speak up and say that they can't stand the way they're being treated, that they're miserable, and they want to work on having a healthier relationship, instead of suffering silently and then going outside the marriage for affection and support.
Never ever. If someone feels like their spouse is disrespectful or badgering or whatever - they need to tell them about and work through it or make the decision to leave. I've only watched the show a few times but yeah, Kate seemed really really overbearing to me, but it's reality tv. But even if she was 100x worse than depicted on television, she doesn't deserve it. Nobody deserves to be cheated on.
You can drive someone to want to cheat, but actually cheating requires an act of volition that you can't blame anyone else for. And if one partner breaks their vow to respect the other, it doesn't give the other carte blanche to break their own vows.
People in emotionally abusive relationships need counseling, and sometimes they just need to leave. I don't think cheating is ever okay; it's just a way of avoiding the problem without making anything better, for yourself or anyone else.
DSCF2338.JPG (1695.8 KB, 23 downloads) 1 year old DSCF2339.JPG (1678.9 KB, 25 downloads) 1 year old DSCF2207.JPG (1717.7 KB, 23 downloads) 1 year old DSCF2257.JPG (1685.5 KB, 21 downloads) 1 year old 
First, cheating is NEVER deserved. If you don't love them or can't respect your vows, then you should leave and divorce. Period. Cheating is just hurtful! Second, cheating can affect the health of the other person, or your kids, or you. It's more permanent than saying something mean. I think it's just gross. Third, cheating is cowardly. Rather than address an issue and resolve it, you just get your kicks elsewhere and avoid the whole mess. Truly cowardly.
DSCF2338.JPG (1695.8 KB, 28 downloads) 1 year old DSCF2339.JPG (1678.9 KB, 24 downloads) 1 year old
I don't think cheating is ever deserved either. You talk about things and do everything in your power to make it right. In the worst possible case when you really can't take anymore you get a divorce.
DSCF2340.JPG (1694.5 KB, 27 downloads) 1 year old 
While I don't agree with the author that cheating is ever "deserved" I do agree that cheating is rarely a "black and white" issue. I believe that cheating is often the result of bad behavior by both partners who share equal responsibility in the healing/recovery process. However, I wouldn't go so far as to say "it shouldn't be any surprise when you push him into the arms of someone else." Sometimes cheating really is the result of a selfish, egotistical person who acted out unprovoked and without warning (I think Bellenga's situation with her ex-husband is a perfect example of this). And I think adultery is just as hurtful if you have a bad marriage as it is if you have a good marriage.
While it's a ridiculous blank statement to say that the "cheat-ee" (is there another term for the person cheated on?) is never to blame for adultery, I also think it is completely wrong to say that all cheaters were "pushed" into an affair by disrespectful partners.
I do not believe cheating is EVER deserved. If things are really that bad then get some counseling or go your separate ways. Better yet, if things were bad before marriage, think twice before making that jump.
I have seen many relationships fall because of a cheating spouse. Can a relationship make it when one cheats? Sure. Will it be hard? Abso-freakin-lutely! My biggest problem is seeing one person cheat then instead of either working things out or breaking it up, the non-cheater goes and cheats for revenge. I saw this with my sister and her now ex-hubby and I absolutely HATED it.
@MightySapphire - you are absolutely correct. When one cheats they aren't always effecting just the partner especially when kids are involved.
I really agree with you all. After reading the article, though I felt a smidge better about not feeling bad for Kate ostensibly. I mean true, no one should ever resolve their marital problems via and extra marital affair. However, when the Jon and Kate story broke, having watched the show before, I didn't feel bad for her the way I felt devastated for Elizabeth Edwards. She didn't "have it coming to her" as I've heard others say (and the article say in so many words) but when you break your "respect" vow on national TV once a week (probably more) it's hard for me to feel overly bad for you, Kate. I also don't respect Jon's choices either -- to me it puts them in the same category as selfish and immature.
And so true @MightySapphire: those poor children. What a horrible model for what a functional, adult relationship should look like :(
Cheating sucks and just isn't cool. At the same time though, one of my really good friends gets no attention from his wife, none! And she decided out of the blue, after they were together for a good number of years, that she had "found god" and that she was only going to have sex with him to make kids and she's made it pretty clear that there will be no more kids. He told me the only reason they are together is for the kids, the love is gone.
So I kind of understand his position. On the other hand, i've been cheated on by every guy i've ever dated, minus my husband. What kind of crap is that?? And for no good reason! So I see the other end of it, but then again I wasn't in his position, so it's different. But seriously, if there's like no relationship and no love there, what else is a person left to do??
in most situations though, it's not ok.
I agree with what a lot of bees have said. MightySapphire is correct in saying it is cowardly. Yes, any kind of abuse is breaking your vows that were made to each other, but it does not give you a free pass to "get back" at them. I believe a lot of spouses do resort to cheating as a lack of communication between the two. If you have pledged your life to this person, you should definitely be able to say, "Hey, I have a problem with what is going on in our relatonship right now and I'd like to talk about it." I don't watch Jon and Kate, but it sounds like she is pretty abusive to him. Moreso, I think dragging it out in the public eye is probably worse. When dealing with something so private, I think it is better to keep between you two or maybe just include one or two other confidants or a counselor that has no connection to either of you.
Cheating is never deserved, but I believe it can be avoided (using Jon & Kate as an example). Women do tend to take their husbands for granted.
I understand its difficult to dissolve a marriage. However, if a person is willing to cheat, isn't it safe to say that their marriage is over?! Seriously people, get some self control & a backbone. End the marriage officially and then go have your play time.
Cheating is despicable & (I second!) cowardly. The hurt of infidelity continues long after the marriage is over, especially if kids are involved. My dad cheated on my mom & left her for another woman. While everything is 2 sided, I still have ill feelings towards my father for causing such pain. They didn't even last more than a few years... so was it really worth it? It has effected my past relationships as well. I flipped on an ex-bf for basically talking to another woman once... in hindsight I realize I wasn't angry with him, but I was angry at my dad.
bevfabriccrafts_2133_303209898.jpeg (50.7 KB, 27 downloads) 1 year old d294a4a18cbe005a458c479f0fd54081_s.jpeg (49.7 KB, 23 downloads) 1 year old 
Never, ever, ever is cheating deserved. I do agree that in a marriage things like disrespect and emotional abuse can cause as much harm to the marriage as an affair. No matter what the situation is, cheating isn't the answer, it's childish in a way, you hurt me so I'm going to hurt you back, is basically what this article is saying and that's wrong. Communication and counceling are the proper tools with dealing with problems in a marriage, not hurting on another.
@Mrs. Spring: I agree with you big time! It' rare that people cheat without there being problems in the relationship already (even if that problem is as simple as the fact that they aren't able to monogamously commit to someone else period).
Also, no matter what the negative behaviour, any couple who takes a tit for tat or "score keeping" approach to their marriage is headed down a dangerous path.
Cheating is never deserved. I think the cheater has more issues than the "cheatee" in many aspects, even if the "cheatee" is a complete jerkoff. Karma isn't a very good thing.
IMG_5629.jpg (71 KB, 33 downloads) 1 year old IMG_5628.jpg (70.3 KB, 31 downloads) 1 year old IMG_5627.jpg (74.6 KB, 30 downloads) 1 year old IMG_5626.jpg (70.6 KB, 31 downloads) 1 year old
@ West Coast Bride - We seem to be in sync the last couple days. 
I WAS CHEATED ON by my former husband and I can verify that cheating is first of all NEVER deserved (we had a good marriage..had built our dream house, a beautiful child, trying to have a second, no lapses ever in intimacy or disrespect) and it is not only CRUEL BUT IT IS SELFISH BEHAVIOR.
You can make a justification WHY you would cheat (I'm not in love anymore, I feel trapped, etc) but it is unfounded.
If you are truly unhappy, seek counseling together and work on a solution and then if things don't work, honor your vows until the end and be faithful but seek a divorce..FIRST.
I read a thread last week that got my head spinning and I read some very negative comments on that thread imho, that somewhat voiced the opinion that it's ok to be married and see somebody else. Life does NOT JUST HAPPEN. We are humans, we think, we know of negative choices, and we are free to make our own choices. To say that one just "had an affair" or "never went looking for that" is beyond me. We are responsbile for our own actions and behaviors. If you want to cheat or feel you cannot be faithful to just one person and HONOR YOUR SPOUSE and YOUR VOWS then imho do not get married.
DSCN0647.JPG (1110.6 KB, 31 downloads) 1 year old DSCN0646.JPG (1118 KB, 28 downloads) 1 year old DSCN0645.JPG (1274.7 KB, 26 downloads) 1 year old DSCN0644.JPG (1018.9 KB, 28 downloads) 1 year old DSCN0643.JPG (1122.7 KB, 26 downloads) 1 year old DSCN0642.JPG (1381.6 KB, 29 downloads) 1 year old
Furthemore, the level of deceit I experienced (the coordinated lying and the conspiracy to hide it from me) was unbelievable. You have no idea of that pain unless you live through it and see your child also live through it and hurt unbelievably as I did.
DSC00207.JPG (58.4 KB, 54 downloads) 1 year old DSC00287.JPG (64.3 KB, 35 downloads) 1 year old DSC00339.JPG (88 KB, 39 downloads) 1 year old DSC00305.JPG (74.2 KB, 37 downloads) 1 year old
@vistagirl: thank you. It was a process of grieving, healing and then moving on. He remarried the day after our divorce was final and it looks as now he's going to get possibly yet another divorce now from my predecessor.
Same issues..different day..different wife..
It's a cowardly and selfish thing..cheating.
@westcoastbride: I have to disagree with you. We didn't have problems The ONLY problem was he apparently felt he deserved to have his every whim and desire (which he hid from the entire world) appeased. In his mind, he was too much of a good thing. He found out he was wrong.. NOT all people who cheat come from a bad marriage. We did not have one at all. In fact we were trying for a second child when I had the rug pulled out from under me and was blindsighted.
@Mrs Spring -- You took the words right out of my mouth (fingertips?)... I agree!
Two wrongs don't make a right and one wrong doesn't ultimately yield a second wrong!
As far as the types of cheaters go, I know of one of my best friends (the encore couple who recenty remarried) and she cheated on him. She isn't the type who would do that. She was suffering (did not know it at the time) from post partum depression and just kinda retreated into herself. Nothing made her feel happy except being at work and she is a nurse. The C of Staff who happened to work in her department was a leech..he was married and did this all too often. Preyed on a vulernable woman and encouraged it. NOW THAT GUY was a serial cheater.
Some are narcissistic people who only want me me me and MY needs met and will get that instant gratification at all cost. Others imho have some sort of issue going on inside of themselves.
I base my thoughts on this because of attending a divorce recovery seminar series at a huge local megachurch after my divorce. Over 2/3 of those divorcing in the room were there because their spouse cheated, and like with me, it is an ULTIMATE deal breaker. Half were self-absorbed people (the cheating spouses) and the other half were imho those who had some wierd life event or illness happen. There were a few in the class who admitted THEY were the cheaters and said "it was NOT worth it" and truly regretted what they had done to their wife or husband and to their children.
For the record, my xh regrets all of it. But it hasn't stopped him from cheating on his present wife. I feel for her. We've made total peace and I like her. I love their little girl. So you know I'm not some bitter woman about this at all.
I think something HAS to be going on in the head of the person cheating. Maybe not all have a disorder, but there's something off. If things were ok, they'd be able to VERBALIZE their wants/needs/issues rather than choosing to lie and cheat and go outside of the marriage to fulfill whatever perceived unmet need exists. They would address the real issues and fix them. If it couldn't be fixed, THEN they could divorce. So why cheat? It to me doesn't make sense.
In my friends' case, she only cheated on her H (also my friend) because of a chemical and hormonal imbalance. She just was not herself. I so wish she had just talked to all of us and maybe none of that could have happened to them. But they're healed now and moving forward!
Btw, they remarried earlier this year right after New Years' Eve! They're doing fabulously, bought a new house, and will be renewing their vows this summer..a second wedding!
I agree that two wrongs don't make a right, they just make two wrongs. Cheating on your spouse because they "pushed" you to it is like vigilante justice---it feels good, you can understand why some people ultimately resort to it (because the feel like they are beyond the help of the law), but it's illegal for a reason and shouldn't be undertaken unless you're desperate enough to risk losing everything. There are much better avenues to redress the wrongs visited upon you in a relationship than cheating.
Ugh, I am so sick of people writing articles thinking they know something about Jon and Kate's marriage. I don't watch the show a lot, but I do know that it's tv. I think it's ridiculous to make broad statements like "maybe she had it coming" when you know nothing about their life other than what you see on tv.
No one deserves to be cheated on, just as no one deserves being abused, raped, battered, etc. They say that cheating is a symptom of problems in the marriage, and I do believe that that is true, but no one can push you into an affair. It's your choice whether to find and seduce another partner. No amount of scolding and nagging can "force" someone into another's arms.
Never.
I am a firm believer that you should end your relationship with the person you're considering cheating on if you're going to do it. 100% not acceptable to cheat.
I would not say that anyone ever deserves to be cheated on, because cheating is not justified. I would say, however, that SOMETIMES (not always) people can act certain ways in their relationships that causes friction or dissatisfaction in their partner, and then their partner CHOOSES to cheat in order to find satisfaction elsewhere. Does that makes sense?
Let me put in the disclaimer that I've seen cheaters who cheated because 1. they were screwed up mentally OR 2. they felt entitled OR 3. they put themselves in situations where they were gone from their husband or wife a lot OR 4. they were just plain selfish/thoughtless OR 5. they had some dissatisfying circumstance that wasn't caused by their spouse that they sought comfort for inappropriately. These are all very real circumstances, and I think Belle has highlighted some of them in more detail than I will now.
HOWEVER: I talked to my husband about it one day, and he said that one of the biggest things that a man wants out of a relationship is respect, and if they do not find it in their wife, they might turn elsewhere for it. I think this is true... women want to feel loved, then respected, men want to feel respected, then loved. It is hard for us to believe the second without the first. I think from what we could see as TV viewers/magazine readers from a marriage like the Gosselin's is that there was a lack of respect for Jon from his wife. I don't know why, maybe he didn't act in such a way as to earn her respect. But it seems to me that the situation COULD (not did, I don't know them) have gone like this: 1. Kate ceases to respect Jon. 2. Jon feels unloved through lack of respect. 3. Jon begins to look for respect/love elsewhere. It's a catch-22 for the guy at that point, because when they look for respect in an affair, I think they lose the right to be respected. So no, cheating is not deserved, but sometimes the cheater makes the bad choice because they are in a situation created or contributed to by their partner. The choice still lies with the cheater.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Lyndzo | 46 |
| Brielle | 26 |
| funkymunky85 | 26 |
| AshleyR83 | 24 |
| rebwana | 24 |
| mypinkshoes | 23 |
| his chippymunk | 23 |
| Ms. Salamander | 23 |
| beargoose | 22 |
| kat2014 | 22 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| imageeksowhat | 3 |
| Cady | 3 |
| Ms Flamenco | 3 |
| Sasha2011 | 2 |
| tenacity | 2 |
| This Time Round | 2 |
| ladybugmommy2010 | 2 |
| mightywombat | 1 |
| vmec | 1 |
| vlbee | 1 |
I just finished reading this article on CNN and immediately thought of all my bees and what they'd have to say about it. Especially since it talks so poignantly about marriage:
If people vow when they marry to stay faithful to and respect one another, shouldn't the vows be of equal importance?
I'm anxious to hear what you all think!