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Nope, not at all. For us cohabitation was a must before we made the next step. I dont' think it delayed anything at all, he proposed well before I thought he would!
I don't think it has to be, but I think it can be. For me and my bf, we both wanted to live together beforehand. I don't think not moving in together would have made him propose any quicker, I think it may have delayed things even. For some guys though, I think moving in before a proposal might make them too comfortable and complacent since they are already living a married-like life.
I was shocked how hard it was when I first moved in with my FI. At the time we had only been dating a year, but both knew we wanted to get married. The first few months were REALLY difficult! We had to adjust to living together, which I thought was weird since we spent EVERY day together anyway. But suddenly, it feels like you have no privacy or personal space. It got to the point where we almost broke up. But, after a few months we both adjusted and now we are super happy living together. In fact, I can't imagine even living alone anymore.
Honestly I think I love him more. He is the main person I lean on now. We struggle together and I know when I wake up he is going to be beside me no matter what.
Actually, moving in together probably helped more than it hurt! After being completely on my own for 4 years, living with someone again was actually a little scary (I'd had either roommates or a husband in the past, never a live-in boyfriend)--I wasn't sure it would work at all, or that I wouldn't be able to adjust to having someone around 24/7, not being 100% in charge.
What helped was each of us having our own space within the house (spare bedrooms as offices rock!) and from there we just figured it out. Turns out he really doesn't mind doing the dishes every night (even on the weeks he cooks; swoon!), we trade off some duties and divide up others, deciding as they come up. The teamwork that developed was part of what convinced me that marriage might not be such a bad idea after all :)
Some guys get comfy with the "live in girl friend" . so be weary if its a ring your looking for ;)
I'm old fashion, and I believe you marry someone not for if they have a clean room or leave the toilet seat up but because you KNOW them, trust them, respect them and love them. and all the feelings are mutual and reciprocated. You don't need to live together to find those things out.
This is all great feedback. Thanks guys! So, my next question is....how do I keep the impending engagement at the forefront. I don't want him to think that moving in together is a substitute for getting engaged. In fact, around March this year, we agreed to get married next summer. Tick tock! At that time, we said we wouldn't move in unless we were engaged. However, his job took him to another city a little over an hour away...so we decided to move together so that each of us has about a 30 min commute to work and can still be together. I'm fine with all of this, but I don't want him to think that living together is "good enough."
@endofmyrope: "how do I keep the impending engagement at the forefront. I don't want him to think that moving in together is a substitute for getting engaged."
Simple. Just TALK to him and let him know this exact same sentence. 
You'd be surprised how much straight-forward talk in these matters is the best idea!
A tiny wait is fine. I was all set to get engaged and moving in together was just so exciting and fun that I didn't mind to wait a little longer. I started getting antsy again about 8 months later. Moving in together brought us sooooo much closer and I love him even more now. Definitely not a game-changer though..
I think it's extremely important to live together before you get married. There are a lot of things you don't know about a person until you have to share responsibilities. My husband and I had a few growing pains (I think mostly because we had been long distance for the 2 years before we moved in together)... but after we got through that first month or so everything was great. I would absolutely say it pushed the engagement up rather than pushing it back.
I have a friend who was divorced after a year of marriage. Her parents are super catholic and refused to let her live with her husband before they got married. She said if she had lived with him for even a couple months she would have known not to marry him. He took no responsibility as far as caring for the home, or paying the bills or any of those things that have to be done but aren't very fun. He wanted a mother not a wife. And those things are hard to know when you aren't actually sharing responsibilities.
Just my two cents (I second a lot of what has already been said) - I think cohabitating CAN delay an engagement (it definitely did for me), but I think that 99% of guys will only cohabitate with someone they plan on marrying. I also strongly believe in living together before you get married - you just learn so much. The first year of marriage is stressful... knowing that you can already live together can really alleviate tension.
From my own personal experience, moving in together was both good and bad.
Good, because it solidified my faith in our relationship and I knew that he was the one. Getting through the initial phase of learning to live together, dealing with both our quirks and habits and coming out the other side still loving each other was a blessing.
Bad... because it put me in limbo. I was more than a girlfriend yet less than a wife. He did become complacent with the STATUS of our relationship. I was stuck in this mode of what was appropriate for a married couple vs. boyfriend girlfriend. (i.e. family gatherings, money,etc) I don't know if I'm explaining it right. Limbo was how I described it to him.
You need to have honest discussions about what you expect. Even if you had the discussion before. No ultimatums, but let him know if you are unhappy with the situation if you ever feel that way. It's your relationship too!
Everything went seamlessly when we moved in together, there were no problems that sometimes arise. So no, it didn't chance the his proposal timeframe (three months).
Sasha, is right! Talk to him about it. I did. Multiple times, if I had to. Thankfully, we were on the same page, but do not be afraid to talk to him. You are only delaying your own happiness, if you are afraid!
@endofmyrope: Nope. Not a game changer for me. J and I moved in together 2 years ago with the intention of getting engaged shortly after. But he lost his job a month after we moved in :(
It was hard at first, but it didn't make me want to wait longer. I wanted it even more!
Gwen
I think that living together is great to be able to find out how you work together, and how your lives will be. I think it changes some things but it was goof for FI and I. It didnt make me think about the waiting any more or less I just was more busy picking up after FI lol
@mzjaybee: "I don't think it has to be, but I think it can be." <-- THIS
People that are old fashioned will say that living together before marriage is a mistake. I kind of understand why they say this...b/c of the whole why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free argument. But I happen to agree with most of the PP's and am actually relieved to see more people coming to the realization that you can't possibly know the full extent of your compatibility without living with a person.
My best friend did not live with her bf before they got married, and were heading for divorce 6 MONTHS LATER!!! I moved in with my SO of 2 years after a year and a half of being together and it was the best and most logical step we could have taken. We were together all the time but living together and learning his habits was a whole different ball game. We also went through a rough patch/adjustment period. I'm so glad we did this b/c now I know what I am getting into and that I can deal with sharing my space with him.
One thing we agreed to when we moved in was that we should not reach a year of living together and still not be engaged. This way we both went into the situation with the same expectation.
Good luck!
I really think it's probably a good thing to move in together before you get engaged, but...as many ladies have pointed out...it could potentially be helping postpone a proposal.
Honestly, I have no problem with living together..for some reason I'm more worried about my mom saying I'm "shacking up" with a boyfriend. I HATE THAT PHRASE SO MUCH.
Ahh, saying it "out loud" somehow makes me feel so much better.
for us, I wouldn't even have considered an engagement before we'd lived together. and I was really pleasantly surprised at how good living together was, and how much easier it was than I was expecting. so it just really helped confirm for me that yes, we were good together and should have a future together whereas before I was worried that things would 'change' when we lived together. It helped put my mind at ease, and I honestly don't think it affected FI's decision on when to propose. I think if we hadn't moved in together neither of us would ever have felt ready to get engaged so if anything, it speeded things up!
I completely agree with PPs about co-habitation fostering complacency, though. Fi and I lived together about a year before I realized I was the cow giving out free milk. I went through a little personal crisis of "Oh no... my mom was right!" and freaking out. Luckily, a heart-to-heart reminding him about what I want was enough. We were engaged a few weeks later.
Bottom line, keep the communication open. To some extent, it's true that once you live together, he's got all of the benefits without the formality of a wedding.
FI and I lived together for 6 months before we got engaged and yes at the end there I was a mess because I originally siad I didnt want to move in together until we were engaged but life didnt happen that way and it was the best thing we could have done. He knew I didnt want to live together for to long withour being engaged. Now we will be married in 2 months... yay!!
I moved in 8 months before we got engaged. Things didn't really change, even though I expected them to. I thought once we moved in we'd shared cleaning chores, but nope. I hadn't realized how many chores my FI had avoided doing until I lived there (and he continued to avoid). This caused considerable frustration, particularly considering we (I) cooked in more now that we were no longer bouncing between two apartments.
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to whether you should move in first. You do what feels right for you. For me, it did not delay the proposal (the stupid kitchen renovation that consumed all extra time and energey and dragged on). I know my FI wanted us to live together before marriage as well.
Now that we have been living together, I can't imagine NOT living together. And I can't imagine marrying him WITHOUT having of lived with him, first.
I was clear right from the start that I would not be a live in girlfriend forever, and after a while, I would get my own place if he was dragging his feet. He proposed, and I can't say that it is any more or less special because we lived together first. We are still excited to plan our wedding, but we are having a smaller wedding b/c we already live together, it that makes sense. We don't want to have a big, expensive day since we already have a life together...we just are finalizing the last bit by getting married.
@kay01 It's only been two and a half weeks, but it has become painfully obvious that he is nonchalant about cleaning. I had to tell him that we both work and since I'm doing more cooking, he should help out with the cleaning. He has agreed. And, though it doesn't always meet up to my standards, I give him kudos for even trying. I think that just this aspect of living together is helping us build on our communication and compromising skills. So, all in all...it's been good so far. You'll see from my other post that we looked at rings on Sunday!
@endofmyrope: Yeah, this is the source of biggest frustration in our relationship (lack of equitable spliting of the chores). In the end I tell myself that if that's the biggest problem, it's not too bad. But he doesn't agree on what needs to be done, which is a lot of the problem (e.g. won't fold clothes - thinks they are fine collected in dirty/clean laundry baskets, doesn't clean bathroom - I scrubbed the tub for the first time since he had lived there - 5 years - when we first started dating, used to eat out fast food to avoid doing dishes...)
To moving in though, I think what was good was that we agreed this was a big step towards marriage and we both saw it ending there, although there was not a time pressure of a timeline (beyond that it'd be after the renovation was over). A clear conversation about what moving in means and doesn't mean, setting expectations is key.
A couple of thoughts on this topic:
I became very nervous when I read an article talking about the divorce rates among couples who live together before marriage. That study was released in 1999, and has since had some challenge the causality assumption of that report. Putting scientific studies aside, I think there are some things to avoid:
I lived with someone and intended to marry him. The experience was VERY different when we were renting versus when he bought a house. Our relationship changed and I dumped him.
I lived with my DH before we got married, but marriage was a question we asked before we moved in. We had firmly decided before every moving in that this was "forever" so moving in didn't change anything.
My DH had the same habits before marriage as after. He still hates to fold laundry. He still hates to vacuum or wash the dishes. We are still compromising on splitting the chores. I may end up making a chore chart to show him just how much I am doing (what I feel is necessary) and how much he is doing. I feel that he isn't holding his weight in that sense, but maybe after I draw up a chart I'll be wrong.
My boyfriend and I started unofficially living together after only about six months of dating. We've been dating for a year and a half now. The reason it's unofficial is because my parents pay my rent and would NEVER allow my boyfriend to live with me. So we just do it sneakily instead.
Things are definitely hard sometimes because I'm so tidy and he's so...not. Haha. But it's nice to know that now because we can work on it. :)
I think it's helped us grow together enough to be ready to take the next step (: We've become even more comfortable with each other and it's given us more opportunities to work together as a team.
@endofmyrope: yay for looking at rings!! and with the cleaning thing? that was our very first all out argument - we both just have different ways and standards of cleaning. took a couple of chats to sort it out but now it's all fine! i think cleaning and money are the two big problems for cohabiting couples, sort them out and it'll be pretty easy :)
I've experienced both...
I lived with a man for about 3 years. He and I dated off and on for 10 years, seriously for 5. We did not get engaged, even though I didn't want to be common law forever, and ended up pregnant. He ended up leaving the baby and I when he was 7 months old. Thank goodness we didn't get married, but I really did think it would happen and would have been a "waiting bee" on here forever.
I met my DH about a year and a half ago. We unofficially moved in together a year ago, but until he hold his house last May, we didn't feel officially until everything was moved here, even though we didn't spend any nights apart. We had already made moves toward getting married, and were engaged pretty quickly after he unofficially moved in. Things were so natural, so stable and his being here just felt right. Such a total different feeling having a plan and feeling like we were both on the same page.
@kay01: That is true there is no right or wrong answer, for some people it makes things worse but for my situation he shared the chores and made things easier on me so thats how I knew the engagement would happen because he knew I wouldnt put up with doing the wife chores before I was one and really even after I am one he knows I expect help around the house. Sorry yours treated you like that hopefully you kick his butt a little and he starts doing things around the house..
Not for me! Moving in with SO was the best decision ever! It was never awakward or straining on our relationship. I love that he is the last person I see before I go to bed and the first person I see when I wake up!
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SO and I just moved in together last week, and I feel like even though we've been together almost 8 years (we're both 27), there have already been some "new things" that I'm discovering about him. The whole thing makes me feel like maybe a tiny little wait wouldn't be so bad. I'm curious whether moving in together changed any bee's perception on the wait. Thoughts?