Post # 1
I need an outside perspective on this one…
A little backstory – DH is a firefighter. He works 24-hour shifts then is off for 48 hours. We’ve been taking some hits financially so he’s been picking up a lot of overtime, usually 12 or 24-hour shifts. Currently, he’s in the first half of a 48-hour shift.
Being part of a fire department is truly like being apart of another family. DH spends 1/3 of his working life there after all. We spend holidays, weekends, special occasions, etc. with members of the fire department, and we will go out sometimes on the weekends for a few beers.
So tonight, I received a text from one of DH’s coworkers (he’s off tonight) and he asks if I wanted to come out with him for a drink. When DH and I go out, it’s almost always with a few people from the department including this guy. We consider him a really good friend of ours. I rarely go out without DH – if I do, it’s either a girls night or just dinner with a friend and we’ll have a drink or two after. This coworker is on a FWB status with one of my friends who will soon be heading off to grad school so I thought maybe she’d be out with him, so I respond “Maybe.. where are you going? And who is going?” He responds with “Just me. And to (bar in my small town).” I thought it was strange he was just asking me to go, so I just said I couldn’t make it out tonight because I plan on having dinner with a friend tomorrow night and don’t want to spend too much money this weekend. He says “Alright party pooper” and leaves it at that…
…until a few minutes ago, he calls and asks if he can sleep on our couch. The town we live in is about a 40-minute drive from where he lives. Why he decided to come here for a few drinks is beyond me considering I think he went alone. I was really surprised and confused especially since he KNOWS DH is working. I didn’t say yes or no (mostly because I was trying to process his request) but he could tell I was kind of weirded out, so he said “well, I actually don’t know yet. I’ll call you in a few minutes and let you know.” He hasn’t called back thankfully, but WTH?
My friend that he’s on FWB status with told me a few weeks ago that he drunkenly admitted to her that he thinks I’m hot… and that was followed by a pretty x-rated comment. She said he was wasted and was mortified after he said it especially since he knew she told me about it.
We consider this guy one of our very good friends, but I can’t help but be a little weirded out about all of this. Am I thinking too far into it? I worry about him driving all that way especially leaving a bar though he sounded fine, but I also respect DH enough to not let another man stay the night at our house if he isn’t here. I did call DH at work and tell him about this and he agrees it’s a little weird. Thoughts?
Post # 3
@MrsTillerResq: you did all the right things and it sounds like he is interested in trying some funny stuff here. Stay away and don’t hang out with him in the future. he’s crossing lines ( or trying too) and good for you for telling your FI.
Post # 4
@MrsTillerResq: this is not ok. Don’t feel bad about him driving- he is an adult and can limit his drinking or find somewhere else to sleep. I wouldn’t be comfortable with his behavior and I think you’re right to decline.
Post # 5
@MrsTillerResq: Agree with Peachy here. You did the right thing, however you may want to make it known that his behavior is out of line, especially in light of his recent admission. Just be firm with a “I don’t think that’s a good idea, so no.” Leave it at that. If he wants to call names, oh well, its his problem, not yours. Hopefully he’ll get the hint.
Post # 6
That’s too much awkwardness for my liking. Especially since he admitted to being attracted to you. I’d tell him that you and DH are not comfortable letting him stay over especially since DH isn’t around.
I’m married to a cop, so I get the second family thing. I’ve had dinner with some of my husband’s coworkers/friends alone and it isn’t unheard of for the spouses to spend time together without our respective spouses. But, we’re all married. I wouldn’t be comfortable going to dinner or drinks with my husbands’s single coworkersfriends. Plus, my husband and his buddies are the biggest bunch of gossipy hens I’ve ever seen, especially since most of them are men. Wouldn’t want people to get the wrong idea and have rumors get started.
Post # 7
Thank you ladies. I just couldn’t believe he would think this is ok. I don’t think he would ever try anything, but people are so unpredictable, especially when alcohol is involved. I wish I wouldn’t feel guilty about it but I’m such a people pleaser 🙁
@MrsPaulsBabyBallerina: I soooooooooo know what you mean about the gossip! They are worse than women! (and I mean that in the nicest way possible!)
Post # 8
@MrsTillerResq: I would not ever be alone with this guy. Whether or not he drives drunk is not your fault. And after the comments he’s made and he’s been drinking, no way would I let him sleep on my couch. A girl has to be careful.
Post # 9
Woah, not good!
Sorry, but this guy is not a friend to you or your husband. You don’t make sexual comments about another guy’s wife, then try to take her out alone, and then ask to sleep on her couch while her husband’s away. Beyond inappropriate. If one of my friends tried pulling that shit on my wife, they’d be picking their teeth up off the floor.
Distance yourself from him as much as possible. Keep your husband informed and make it crystal clear to this loser that you’re not interested.
He’s breaking “bro code.” I don’t even know this guy but I feel like knocking his lights out.
Post # 10
@jadlnc: @Ryan32: Thanks for the reassurance! I have a tendency to look too far into things but good to know I’m not the only one that thinks this was weird!
Post # 11
Your instinct was spot on. He was trying to be slick.
Post # 12
this isnt the kind of thing id even think about – id just say “sorry, call me old fashioned but i dont have guys to stay when DH isnt here”. and id tell my husband. You don’t need to dwell on possible meanings and motivations – just steer clear
Post # 13
@MrsTillerResq: Yikes. I don’t know much about the firehouse mentality, but from my perspective, this all seems super inappropriate. I would tell him as such. Face it head on – it may be awkward between you two for a little while, but that’s better than risking an escalation. And keep your DH in the loop – keeping something secret will only make it look shady.
Post # 15
You definitely did the right thing. I’d clue in your hubby on what’s going on, because as a PP said, you don’t want to look like you’re hiding anything. It’s better to let him know what’s going on and how you handled the situation. Also tell the co-worker that you are not comfortable with this kind of situation, and ask for his respect of your relationship by not putting you in such a crappy situation. Not cool!
You handled it very well.
Post # 16
You definitely did the correct thing. I don’t think I would be comfortable allowing a man who was not a relative to sleep at my house if I was there alone…even if I knew them.
I think it would be slightly different if it had been prearranged, maybe with your husband, weeks ago…but the question is, why was he going to drink alone in a town 40 mins away? It sounds really fishy, especially after the comments.
Good for you for telling DH….I just hope it doesn’t affect both of your relationship with this man if he cools off