Is dragging your feet a deal breaker?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

@anon27:  have the two of you discussed marriage/family before that instance?  How old are the two of you and how long have you been dating?  You said you felt not ready but told her you were?  Please clarify exactly what the two of you discussed to get more background.

 

If you told her a year or two into the relationship that you were not ready, she may have given you an internal deadline to propose and as that deadline passed she realized that you were likely never going to.  Each woman has her own expectations.  Some will not wait longer than a year or two, others will never leave a man even if he never proposes.

 

Post # 4
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

It really really really depends on how long she’s been waiting and the kind of discussions you’ve had prior to this. I agree with the PP that more information would be extremely useful.

 

For example, I believe my BF when he says that he knows he wants to marry me and in that sense is probably ready, but obviously he han’t proposed at this time. I am young, and so is our relationship really, so I am willing to give him this time to prepare himself as he needs (mostly it’s about finding a job right now). It also helps that we’ve talked about this and I am certain(ish) of where we both stand.

However, if I am made to wait an unresonable amount of time with no adequate explanation (i.e. he finds that job but we are still unengaged 3+ years later), or perhaps if I were older, or if I didn’t feel like he were being straight with me initially then I think I would have cause to reevaluate the relationship, I’m not sure I could believe him anymore when he told me he wants to marry me.

 

Anyway, that’s something for you to think about, but like I said, more information would be very useful, because at the same time it could be your girlfriend is being unreasonable (maybe you’ve been together for 2 weeks, perhaps this is the first time she’s ever mentioned it and thus you’ve had no time to prepare).

Post # 5
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

Please give more info as to your ages,  how long you’ve been together,  have you spoken about any of this before etc. so we can give better advice.

It’s possible that like

@NYMango:  said,  she had a timeline in her head and you didn’t meet it. But it’s not fair to you if you’ve never had a discussion about it. It’s entirely possible you still have a chance if she really wants to marry YOU, not just get married in general. Perhaps she’s not answering your calls because she’s realized she needs to figure out herself first.  

Post # 6
Member
1666 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@anon27:  I agree that we need some more background information before we can really give you an answer to this.

@MaidMarian:  +1 I agree with pretty much everything you said. It could be that the girlfriend has unrealistic expectations for the relationship or that they never spoke about marriage before this.

@NYMango:  +1 to the internal deadline bit.

@FutureMrsAJG:  +1

Post # 7
Member
7098 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

We need more information. It sounds like from your other threads you have only been dating around a year, she’s never said “i love you”, and you broke it off but now expect her to marry you? Kind of hard to give honest advice without all the details.

 

Post # 9
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@anon27:  To answer your question I also think that yes any type of communication from her can possibly mean that she does still want to work things out with you.  Maybe she is just angry and hurting right now and just needs time…

However, in my opinion you two should not be rushing into marriage with all these relationship issues.  Marriage will not fix your problems and if you can’t sort them out now why marry which may later end in divorcee…?

I think if you two really want to be together you guys need to tackle your issues (her issues and the relationship issues) as a team.  You two need to first work on your serious issues by going to couples therapy and she sounds like she needs individual therapy too.  You both will need to be prepared to do the work to lay a solid foundation for your relationship and possibly future marriage.  If these efforts don’t work then maybe it’s not meant to be and you two should part ways.

If you two are able to resolve all these issues then once your relationship is more stable and in a better place then probably proceed with an engagement and a marriage.  It should NOT be this hard, but if it is and you really still want this then you two have got to work together to figure it out and to fix it.

Post # 10
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

@anon27:  I agree with the PP.  Any communication from her may be a good sign about getting back together, but I think you two need to meet up *in person* and have a lonnng talk about everything, including how you expect to communicate going forward.  Only because you believe that she’s the one do I suggest couples therapy.  I agree that being left at the altar is likely what has made her standoff-ish so she also needs individual therapy, as the PP said.  

As far as saying “I love you” many people are not very communicative.  My boyfriend does not express his feelings well verbally, but I’ve spoken with him about it but there are other ways he shows it, including cuddling, etc, and after knowing how much it means to me, he agreed to try to be more expressive.  

I’d say try therapy, but if it’s not helping after 6 months, then cut your losses and move on.  You two have only been together for a year so far.

 

Post # 12
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@NYMango:  +1

@anon27:  If I were you I would text her or leave a voicemail and let her know how you feel, ie you love her, you want a future with her and you would like to work things out and then just wait…give her time to think and respond.

It may take a few minutes, it may take an hour, it may take a day…but all you can do at this point is make your intentions clearly known and wait for her response.

If she does respond, like PP mentioned, see if you can meet up with her in person so that you two can talk, I hope you two are able to make a good effort during this meet up by talking AND listening to each other.  If after the meet up you both decide you want to move forward with your relationship THEN i strongly suggest counselling….it sounds like you two are not able to resolve the existing relationship issues on your own and you need someone experienced like a therapist or counsellor to help you  two navigate through these difficulties so that you don’t further hurt each other and further damage your relationship.

It takes two people to make the relationship work, you both have to be trying, if you two are meant to be I hope you can work it out, but please seek out professional help with this because there is a lot going on here that must be resolved if you ever hope to have a successful relationship with this lady.  You guys need couples therapy and she needs individual therapy.  Good luck, I hope things work out.

Post # 13
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@anon27:  I think you can do better. Never underestimate the significance of mental stability in a longterm relationship or marriage.

Post # 14
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

I agree with

@NYMango:  and 

@Happy Hopeful Bee:  that it’s possible she might still contact you and that you desperately need couples therapy and individual therapy for her.  

But I really think you need to ask yourself if you’re making a wise decision. The fact that she’s accusing you of dragging your feet after less than a year together, portions of which you were on a break, is a MASSIVE red flag in my opinion. You’re both young enough that you have plenty of time to make a decision and marriage is not something you should rush into. 

 

@anon27:  I believe that you love her and it’s very noble of you to want to help her with her completely understandable relationship issues, but are you making the best decision for your long term happiness? Love and long term compatibility are not always the same thing. 

Post # 15
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think it’s nuts for her to immediately talk about marriage after you had guys had just gotten back together and extra nuts for her to leave you AFTER ONE YEAR OF DATING at the age of 25 because you hadn’t proposed. I call either bullshit or instability.

Post # 16
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

@MsW-to-MrsM:  <—-this is what I was trying to say, I just didn’t have the balls to say it like that.  +1

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