Post # 1
I’m at a loss in my thoughts and wanted to get some feedback on this situation.
My fiance and I came back from our wedding shower and I called my FI’s grandma on his phone to thank your for the presents. He has an iphone and a text message from “allie” comes up. After hanging up the phone, I couldn’t shy away from reading the text message. I trust my FI 100 percent, but I was super curious why this allie girl was texting my FI at 9pm…..
The text message wrote “No response to Allie today? What’s wrong? haha”….
I asked him who Allie is and he said it was a friend from work. I asked him what that text message meant because to me it sounded like he has been chatting with her/texting her frequently for her to send that to him.
He said that it’s just a work friend that I’m over reacting and that it’s not a big deal and they text each other here and there.
The more I was digging my heels into this thing. The more I uncovered some info. My FI father has recently passed and I guess her mom is going through some sick times and they’ve been talking about that a lot and confiding in each other. To me, that is emotional cheating when you can’t talk to me about your feelings and instead, talk to a female co-worker about your experiences. He has also mentioned that I’ve been working every other weekend (i’m a nurse) and that it’s been hard for him to stay home alone, so they’ve been texting.
I accused him of being in the wrong that this work relationship has gotten too far even if it’s something innocent. He shouldn’t be texting girls about his personal life and confide in them. He agreed with me and said he wouldn’t do it again and that he’s sorry for hurting me.
Right now I’m on the couch cause I can’t lie in the same bed right now. I feel so betrayed and feel like something is wrong in our relationship where he has to go text someone else and talk to her about deeper issues. Not okay!
Post # 3
Lots of people who are experiencing grief over a loved one find it helpful to talk to someone who’s gone through or is going through something similar. I wouldn’t write him off as emotionally cheating over it. If this coworker were a man, would you still have a problem with your FI talking about this stuff to him when you’re not around?
Post # 4
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with talking to someone else when you are grieving.. having lots of support is good during those times…
But what i’m curious about is the text msg, “No response to Allie today? What’s wrong? haha”….
…hmmm… it does sound like they’ve been texting/talkin to each other a lot… are they really good friends? ..hmm…
Post # 5
Yeah, that text from her sounds more than just grieving talk. Did you ask to see other texts from her? Or did you read any from him? Has he ever talked about her to you?
Post # 6
@JandieMames: That’s exactly my point. Sounds more than grieveing talk. I asked to see other texts from her and him and he deleted them. Red Flag! He said he deletes texts because I freak out when theres a girl texting him. And he’s right I did freak out at times for nothing and I have a tendency to do that. But why would he delete the messages from her. I asked if they were flirty, or what, and he said it’s nothing like that. Just back at forth texting about random stuff and that this has been going on for two weeks. He’s a business banker and she’s on his team, they rotate teams very often so he just probably met the girl.
Post # 7
That’s never a fun situation. I totally don’t feel it’s appropriate to be texting the other sex just for conversation. Especially enought to give a cell phone number to and text personally. But if you trust that he won’t do it again and that he will stop then there isn’t anything else you can do. Except move on and try to trust him. Which is a hard thing to do.
I’m sorry you have to go through this so close to your wedding date.
Post # 8
If you have a bad feeling about it then it is something!
I am not saying it is worth breaking up over, but I do think you need to have a deeper discussion about expectations and boundaries for your relationship.
A man who is emotionally reliant on another woman for support is not 100% in his relationship with you. He is denying you a piece of himself, and that I would personally find unacceptable.
Post # 9
Trust your gut. He should be sharing his feelings with you, not another woman. You’re supposed to be his best friend and confidant. Insist it ends now before it goes too far.
Post # 10
The most disturbing thing is him telling her in essence “I get lonely on weekends, so please text me.” I don’t know, if I was talking to an attached guy who said that I would back off big time. But apparently Allie didn’t mind keeping him company. ICK.
You’ve got the right idea to nip this in the bud ASAP. It sounds like he is going to cut it out which is a good thing. If he’s lonely then it’s something he needs to work out within your relationship or with some buddies. IMHO it’s ok for a guy to be good friends with another woman, but it’s not okay for him to fill “lonlieness” with time spent with another woman…
Post # 11
So he didn’t text her that day because you were at your mutual shower. Why didn’t she know about the mutual shower if they are just friends? At least it dosen’t sound like she knew “No response to allie today? What’s wrong?”
Please be sure he’s telling you the truth and there aren’t any emails between them and possibly more. I agree that you are his number one now. And the fact that you work weekends is not a good excuse at all. When my husband lost his grandmother, I was the first person he went to with his feelings.
I hope he’s not doing anything wrong, but it’s best you know sooner rather than later. Big hugs to you as this is a hard thing for you to go through.
Post # 12
I do think deleting them is a red flag. However, grieving is hard and doing it alone is harder. Having someone to talk to is important. I would ask him to see all of their communications.
I know this will sound insane but, suggest you all go out to dinner or something. If he says no, that’s a BIG red flag. My FI had a couple pretty close friends in college that were girls but we all hung out together, so it wasn’t like he was keeping it from me.
Post # 13
Deleting the text because you might freak out? well I guess by doing that he gave you all the more reason.
I’m a little more drastic than the adverage Bee but i DEF consider this emotional cheating. Im not saying break up, but I would treat this very VERY seriously and I wouldn’t just take his word for it that he is going to stop contacting her.
He says hes sorry he hurt you but he is only sorry he got caught. If he was truly sorry to hurt you, he wouldn’t do it in the first place.
Post # 14
If he didn’t tell you about this “friendship” then he is crossing a line in my book. I would work through it before the wedding, or postpone things until he’s with you 100%. You need trust more than anything else to make things work.
I’m so sorry.
Post # 15
I have plenty of guy friends that I text, but DH would never have to say, “who is ….. texting you”, because he knows of everyone in my life. I feel like the fact that he hid the friendship does make it something to question. It also sounds like he’s replacing your companionship (even if it’s through text) when you’re not there. I would be upset too.
Post # 16
@mwitter80: I am the same way. I have lots of guy friends I text but my FI knows them all.
I really dislike the ‘I get lonely on the weekends’ concept- as sweet as it may be that he is so attached to you, he needs a hobby to hold him over instead of trying to fill an emotional gap with a person.