Post # 1
So here’s the situation- Eric Church is coming to town tomorrow for a concert. My husband can’t go with me (he pretty much works every day) and none of my female friends want to go or are unable to go. So I asked a friend of both my husband and I if he would like to go with me. He said he would love to because he wants to go as well but his other friends bailed on going. So I tell my husband I am going with our friend and my husband is perfectly fine with it and actually told me to buy our friend a beer for him. But today when I was talking to some coworkers about the plans for the concert and the older women all voiced their opinions about how a married woman going out to an event with a single man is never okay no matter the circumstances but the younger women saw no problem with it as long as my husband was aware of it and okay with it.
Our friend is the same age as I am. We all hang out in the same group of friends and my husband and him talk on a regular basis. My husband has left him and I alone on multiple occasions when he had to go to work or get to bed for work and said this friend is one of the few he trusts to get me home safely (he doesn’t really drink and lives in the plan right across from ours) so I guess I never really saw any problem with the situation.
So I want to hear your opinions about married people being friends with single individuals of the opposite sex (or same sex for gay/lesbian couples). Do you feel generation, culture, or any other factors influence your opinion? I am just looking to hear opinions and respect everyone’s views.
Post # 2
I wouldn’t do it but that’s what works for our relationship, so, if your husband is fine with it then go. That’s how your relationship works and no one can tell you it’s wrong except you and your husband.
Post # 3
All that matters is that you, your husband and y’alls mutual friend all agree on the “terms”.
What anyone else says/thinks is irrelevant.
Post # 4
If he’s fine with it, I say go for it… but typically I think those types of relationships are inappropriate, at least when both people in the couple can’t go.
Honestly, it sounds like in your situation it’s fine.
Post # 5
Guy/Girl, single/commited.. I dont understand the problem with having a FRIEND of any sort. I’ve been going out shopping and hanging out and stuff with a married guy friend and a single guy friend leaving my husband at home cause he doesnt like to shop almost every weekend the past few weeks and he has no problem with it. And he doesnt even know these friends that well. According to these women, just because I’m married now, I shouldn’t be able to go out with them.. even though I’ve known them for a decade before DH came alone?
Post # 6
future.mrs.koban: I think it can be inappropriate, but it clearly is not in this case.
Post # 7
Your female coworkers seem stuck in the Middle Ages. What the heck?
If your husband trusts you and trusts this guy, and all lines of communication are open, then there is no problem whatsoever.
The only time there should be an issue with you going out with a single male friend is when an emotional affair begins – but that’s not just a friend at that point, is it?
That’s clearly not what’s happening in this situation. Tell your colleagues to loosen up.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
First off, Eric Church is FANTASTIC & I hope you enjoy him! Super jealous of you right now 😉
Secondly, every relationship has different boundaries. I think it’s great that you & your husband are able to assure/communicate with each other that this obviously isn’t anything inappropriate.
Post # 9
future.mrs.koban: i only think it’s inappropriate if you make it that way. if you didn’t tell your husband, if you had ulterior motives (or knew that your friend did, and went anyway), etc. but i don’t think it’s ever wrong to have a friend of either gender if that is all they are. especially since it sounds like you all had plans to go, but that didn’t work out.
Post # 10
Agreed with PPs who say whatever works for your (general you) relationship is all that matters.
I have a two really close male friends who were in my life way before I met my husband. Naturally they’ve all become good friends over the years (one of them married us and the other was a groomsman) and it’s never been an issue if we hang out without my husband.
Post # 11
future.mrs.koban: in my relationship, it would depend on the friend. I do have some male friends that my husband refers to as “waiting in the wings” – meaning, they’ve indicated at some point that they’re interested in more than friendship, and should I ever become single, they would probably try something. I don’t hang out with those friends alone, and I certainly would not be thrilled if he hung out with women I knew were interested in him. However, I do have good longtime male friends that my husband likes and is comfortable with, and he would be fine with me hanging out with them one on one.
Bottom line is, if you and your husband are both comfortable, no one else gets any say.
Post # 12
Thanks for all the responses! I do believe certain situations are not appropriate. My ex became friends with a female co-worker who he hung out with and spoke to often outside of work. Normally I would be fine with it if I had at least met the woman and he would tell me they were hanging out but he didn’t say a word which was not okay. That’s part of the reason I’ve been upfront with my husband about my friends and my relationships with them since him and I started dating.
Post # 13
- Wedding: Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic
I wouldn’t do it but everybody is different.
Post # 14
if you, your husband, and this friend are comfortable with the situation, i see absolutely no problem with you going to this concert with a single friend.
don’t listen to those women. you do what is right for you. something may work for your family but it may not work for others.
Post # 15
future.mrs.koban: I have lots of friends I hang out with without FI. Straight guys and gay girls (i’m bi), some single, some not. My FI doesn’t drink, so I even go to bars alone (with a book) sometimes. I often chat with people I meet, which I’m very open about with him.
Recently a straight guy friend of mine and I had dinner and drinks at his house until maybe midnight, his gf was out of town (she knew I was there-we’re friends too, and FI knew I was there). I don’t see why it would be an issue unless something had gone on. I mean, this guy, we’ll call him “Frank” and I have been friends for almost 10 years, we have never even shared a drunken kiss. There is ZERO attraction between us. We were actually even roommates for about 3 years. He’s my “dude” friend, and I’m his “dude” friend. We drank 40s and ate massive burritos and smoked, it was hardly a flirtatious evening.
Now I will say that I’m not good friends with anyone I used to sleep with. This is for a couple of reasons. One, I would feel compelled to tell FI that I had a sexual past with the person, which is awkward. To then ask him if I could hang out with that person seems like asking a lot. I’m not sure I’d love him asking that of me either. Part of it is just personal preference on my part, I just feel funny being around someone I used to sleep with while with someone else- it makes me feel weird. Plus, that means you’re hanging out with someone who you know you are attracted to, which seems like not the best plan.
I know when to cut myself off at the pass, which has only happend once in 6 years. So a couple years ago I met a guy who I had a lot in common with. We hung out, FI knew and it was fine. Then I realized I was kind of attracted to the guy. I immediately just quit hanging out with him, I figured “why tempt fate?”? I think this kind of self-honesty is important when you’re friends with people who may be attracted to you (and vice versa). I never told FI, when he asked why we stopped hanging out I was just like, “eh, he got kind of boring”, or something to that effect.