(Closed) is hating the future in-laws right now!! need advice…very long :(

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I understand this must be frustrating.  Money is a really, really hard issue for many people.  I think a lot of adults feel ashamed when they have money issues, no matter how far out of their hands it is.  That’s why talking about so many money things is seen as ‘taboo’, like salary etc.

It is very likely that his parents did not say anything because they were embarrassed, they were hoping the problem would go away, or various other reasons.  I agree that they should have informed you as soon as possible, but as I mentioned, they might not of for very personal feelings.

My parents (my dad is unemployed and my mom makes a small salary) are contributing money to the wedding, but my fiance’s family claim they ‘have no money’ and are giving us nothing.  However, money is very personal, and I have no right to the money that they earn and what they do with it.  I understand from the outside things can be frustrating (BOY DO I EVER, too long to explain), but just try to understand their situation is very, very difficult emotionally.  I’m sorry your parents had to shoulder the costs, but just do what you can.  See if you can work something out where your fiance’s parents can pay even a little bit, since they promised?

Post # 4
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Your best bet in dealing with FILs is ALWAYS to let your FH deal with them.  He should definitely relay HIS indignance and anger about the situation.  If he’s not as angry about it as you are, then it’s likely that he expected it or that it’s not something his family would consider rude.  I think more than anything you are angry for your parents, which you have a right to be.  You could try to recover some cost by reducing your FILs guest list down considerably, and having FI explain to them that because they were unable to assist with the venue, you’ve had to cut some corners to make it work.  (Honestly I would cut their ENTIRE list and only leave the people FH wants, but I’m vengeful…don’t be like me!)

Post # 6
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

That sucks! But it sounds like your fiance feels bad about the whole thing too. I don’t really have any good advice for you because this is the type of thing I take pretty seriously and it would take me awhile to forget it … but it will eventually get lost in the magic of your big day. I really hope his parents start to feel bad about the whole thing! It’s so not cool to back out last minute like that. Has your fiance told his parents how their lack of communication and actions affected you and your family?

Post # 7
Member
7299 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You have every right to be upset.  But you have learned an important lesson of never depending on them for anything monitarily.  Your FI has nothing ot be ashamed of at all.

Post # 8
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Actually, I think you (or perhaps your FI) made some mistakes.  You cited another incident in which they’ve backed out of giving money.  So I think that in accepting their money this time around, you should have done so in a manner to CYA.  You trusted in their money because you wanted to believe in it (because it meant you’d get that dream venue), despite previous history of being untrustworthy. 

Also, you said, “my parents said they would pitch in half the venue cost if his parents would pay for the other cost”.  If your parents want to give you money, they should just give you money and let you figure it out.  Or if they saw the dream venue and said “here’s X amount, if you can swing the rest”, OK.  But to say they’d pay for half if FI’s family would pay for half put your FI’s family in a bad spot, particularly if they knew it.  It think that might have made them feel obligated when they otherwise wouldn’t have offered.  

And it could be true that your FIl’s are worried about financial issues.  That’s valid.  It sounds like they do have a hard time parting with money.  Maybe they are rather fearful about something bad happening and being in financial ruin or something.  I’m not saying it’s the healthiest, but it’s probably something you can navigate around easily enough if you know what to expect.

I am sorry you ran into this situation.  Perhaps they will pitch in something, and you can pass it on to your parents. Or perhaps you can find some ways to cut back, so you can reimburse your parents.

Post # 9
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree with Tanya. I think your FI’s parents was put in a situation where they had to obligate to pay the other half based on what your parents said.

 

Can you get a different venue? One that can be covered by what your parents were gonna give you half of?

I do understand your anger but I believe that they said yes to helping pay for the other half because perphaps they felt obligated to.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Well, people shouldnt promise something and not stick to it! You cant give a happy couple your word and blessing that you will help with half and then change it afterwards, im sorry but if my son or daughter was getting married and I said I would pay for half and if something came up where I MIGHT not be able to do it, I would at least offer something, anything!!!!! My worst pet peeve is when people dont do as they say and especialy they didnt even call you guys to tell you right away, do they not take your wedding seriously?

Post # 11
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with the ladies above.  It’s never the groom’s parents responsibility to pay for anything above the cost of the rehersal dinner.  Times are changing and more couples are paying for their own weddings, but the fact that you both actually asked them to pay for half on the condition that if his parents paid for half yours would too puts them in a terrible position, especially since it isn’t even their responsibility to pay in the first place!

I can understand being upset that they have pulled out, but come on.  You pretty much tied their hands behind their backs in the first place.  If your parents are going to contribute, why force your FI’s parents to pay as well? 

I would recommend not making any comments to your FI’s family about this.  Not only have you put them in a terrible position and now embarassed them because they cannot afford to contribute, but if you were to then get upset with them, I think it would really strain your future relationship with them.  You would have a right to be upset if they had originally offered a certain amount when you were first engaged and then couldn’t come through, but you forced their hand on this one.

Why not take the money that you were promised by your parents, find a cheaper place and get married there.  I live in Southern California too and there are options that satisfy all budgets. 

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