Post # 1
So i have turned to the hive for some much needed advice!! Let me set the scenario for you…
As soon as FI and I got engaged everyone was happy for us (He is filipino and I am Mexican/native american) and our immediate family wanted to help anyway they could (both our mothers have full time jobs, while both our fathers are out of work) We never expected our parents to pitch in, but we wouldn’t refuse the offer if it arise. As FI and I were looking for venues (in OC, CA=very expensive weddings) we knew we had to pay for everything. As we narrowed it down to a few locations we took my parents to places to get there opinion, to a complete shock to us, my parents said they would pitch in half the venue cost if his parents would pay for the other cost. After talking to his parents, they also agreed and if there was any extras (upgrades on lighting and candy bar) we would put in the rest! FI and I were excited cause this venue was the venue of our dreams and it was gonna be possible for us! FI and I also agreed that we would pay for all the other vendors, and that was that.
Well the First payment is coming up (April 14th 2010) and FI called his parents to inform them how much and when to pay, when all of a sudden they refused to give us anything!! They used excuses of how his mother is possibly gonna be laid off and her hours getting cut (which by the way she has been saying for years) and that his father is gonna have to change the mortgage under his name so they can get more money!! I was furious when I found this out, not because they are going through what 99% of america is going through, but that they did not have the decency to call us ahead of time so we can possibly make the payment! When I informed my parents (which again is in the same boat they are) of what they did, they used some of there retirement money to pay for the whole venue!!! FI and I couldn’t believe my parents would do that for us, though we were very close of calling off the wedding (cause there was no way we could pay for the venue ourselfs) my parents did not want their daughter to not have a wedding. We are very grateful of them, but here is what I need advice on…How should I react to his family? I am angry with them and hate them for not thinking of us through out all this!! please help, and sorry it was so long…Thanks bees!!
Post # 3
I understand this must be frustrating. Money is a really, really hard issue for many people. I think a lot of adults feel ashamed when they have money issues, no matter how far out of their hands it is. That’s why talking about so many money things is seen as ‘taboo’, like salary etc.
It is very likely that his parents did not say anything because they were embarrassed, they were hoping the problem would go away, or various other reasons. I agree that they should have informed you as soon as possible, but as I mentioned, they might not of for very personal feelings.
My parents (my dad is unemployed and my mom makes a small salary) are contributing money to the wedding, but my fiance’s family claim they ‘have no money’ and are giving us nothing. However, money is very personal, and I have no right to the money that they earn and what they do with it. I understand from the outside things can be frustrating (BOY DO I EVER, too long to explain), but just try to understand their situation is very, very difficult emotionally. I’m sorry your parents had to shoulder the costs, but just do what you can. See if you can work something out where your fiance’s parents can pay even a little bit, since they promised?
Post # 4
Your best bet in dealing with FILs is ALWAYS to let your FH deal with them. He should definitely relay HIS indignance and anger about the situation. If he’s not as angry about it as you are, then it’s likely that he expected it or that it’s not something his family would consider rude. I think more than anything you are angry for your parents, which you have a right to be. You could try to recover some cost by reducing your FILs guest list down considerably, and having FI explain to them that because they were unable to assist with the venue, you’ve had to cut some corners to make it work. (Honestly I would cut their ENTIRE list and only leave the people FH wants, but I’m vengeful…don’t be like me!)
Post # 5
@brianalaura- I agree on the whole sensitive with money, I didnt want to ask his parents for money because they are tight wads!! really they are, They had promised him a car when he turned 16 and had been saving for it, but when the time came they backed out on that to, maybe thats why I am so angry, this isnt the first time they promised something but backed out on the last minute. His parents are the embarrassed type people, they say it as it is.
@Mightysapphire- I am vengeful to!! haha but I cant cut the list, I can replace some of his family members (if we cut the list or not, we still have to pay the minimum) I told him last night that we are only inviting 20 people from his side whether they like it or not!!
My FI was very upset and ashamed because he felt like my family would not like him. Thank god my parents love him or else they would have called off the wedding to!!!
Post # 6
That sucks! But it sounds like your fiance feels bad about the whole thing too. I don’t really have any good advice for you because this is the type of thing I take pretty seriously and it would take me awhile to forget it … but it will eventually get lost in the magic of your big day. I really hope his parents start to feel bad about the whole thing! It’s so not cool to back out last minute like that. Has your fiance told his parents how their lack of communication and actions affected you and your family?
Post # 7
You have every right to be upset. But you have learned an important lesson of never depending on them for anything monitarily. Your FI has nothing ot be ashamed of at all.
Post # 8
Actually, I think you (or perhaps your FI) made some mistakes. You cited another incident in which they’ve backed out of giving money. So I think that in accepting their money this time around, you should have done so in a manner to CYA. You trusted in their money because you wanted to believe in it (because it meant you’d get that dream venue), despite previous history of being untrustworthy.
Also, you said, “my parents said they would pitch in half the venue cost if his parents would pay for the other cost”. If your parents want to give you money, they should just give you money and let you figure it out. Or if they saw the dream venue and said “here’s X amount, if you can swing the rest”, OK. But to say they’d pay for half if FI’s family would pay for half put your FI’s family in a bad spot, particularly if they knew it. It think that might have made them feel obligated when they otherwise wouldn’t have offered.
And it could be true that your FIl’s are worried about financial issues. That’s valid. It sounds like they do have a hard time parting with money. Maybe they are rather fearful about something bad happening and being in financial ruin or something. I’m not saying it’s the healthiest, but it’s probably something you can navigate around easily enough if you know what to expect.
I am sorry you ran into this situation. Perhaps they will pitch in something, and you can pass it on to your parents. Or perhaps you can find some ways to cut back, so you can reimburse your parents.
Post # 9
I agree with Tanya. I think your FI’s parents was put in a situation where they had to obligate to pay the other half based on what your parents said.
Can you get a different venue? One that can be covered by what your parents were gonna give you half of?
I do understand your anger but I believe that they said yes to helping pay for the other half because perphaps they felt obligated to.
Post # 10
Well, people shouldnt promise something and not stick to it! You cant give a happy couple your word and blessing that you will help with half and then change it afterwards, im sorry but if my son or daughter was getting married and I said I would pay for half and if something came up where I MIGHT not be able to do it, I would at least offer something, anything!!!!! My worst pet peeve is when people dont do as they say and especialy they didnt even call you guys to tell you right away, do they not take your wedding seriously?
Post # 11
I agree with the ladies above. It’s never the groom’s parents responsibility to pay for anything above the cost of the rehersal dinner. Times are changing and more couples are paying for their own weddings, but the fact that you both actually asked them to pay for half on the condition that if his parents paid for half yours would too puts them in a terrible position, especially since it isn’t even their responsibility to pay in the first place!
I can understand being upset that they have pulled out, but come on. You pretty much tied their hands behind their backs in the first place. If your parents are going to contribute, why force your FI’s parents to pay as well?
I would recommend not making any comments to your FI’s family about this. Not only have you put them in a terrible position and now embarassed them because they cannot afford to contribute, but if you were to then get upset with them, I think it would really strain your future relationship with them. You would have a right to be upset if they had originally offered a certain amount when you were first engaged and then couldn’t come through, but you forced their hand on this one.
Why not take the money that you were promised by your parents, find a cheaper place and get married there. I live in Southern California too and there are options that satisfy all budgets.
Post # 12
Ok…maybe I didnt word it right…We did not tell FI parents what my parents said about the venue…WE did not tell FI parents they had to give us anything, they offered and the solution that BOTH parents agreed to was that each parent will split the venue cost in half so that we can have the venue of our dreams. the fact of the matter is that they should not have said they would help if they couldnt afford it…PERIOD! Time and time again we told both parents that they did not have to pitch in if it was to much for them, knowing there situation, it wasnt like we told them, “hey help pay for my wedding cause I want a fabulous wedding” The reason why my parents said they would pay half if FI’s parents can pay half because thats how much my parents could contribute, FI’s parents said they would pitch in if my parents pitched in. The moment we got engaged both parents said they would help with cost if it was equal amounts, sorry if I didnt fully explain my self in the beginning but I was very upset at the fact that they had backed out, and AGAIN it was not that they couldnt do it, but that they did tell us ahead of time! I would have rather they say we cant help you then they could…oh and by the way, FI’s family are not those type of people to be ashamed or embarrassed to say no to someone, so that is not the case here