(Closed) Is having children selfish?

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I worry about this alot!

It is hard to decide that it is right to have a kid in this terrible world…that’s why I want to adopt kids, but it is important to FI that we have our “own” kids, with our DNA.

I don’t know what to think! I’d love to have a baby someday, but I agree, it IS selfish.

Post # 4
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think it totally depends on how you look at it and what angle you analyze this from, because, seriously, EVERYTHING we do can be attributed to selfish. Unless you live off a few pennies a day and spend your lives in the trenches helping people in great need with some skill you have. The fact I have a home and don’t donate more money to say, the needy, is selfish. or that I have purebred cats instead of shelter cats. Selfish. Everything is selfish, basically….! Having kids? Eh, probably. So is the fact I bought a $30 dress today instead of volunteering. Not sure if that helps. I don’t think about our resources and that kind of stuff (strange b/c i used to do “green” engineering) because I focus my energies on other stuff I guess =

Post # 6
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

I have the same thoughts.  I will be adopting/fostering as long as the agencies accept us.  I also feel like too many people have kids when they aren’t prepared (whether financially or emotionally).  It’s hard for me to watch parents parent their children in a way that I vehemently disagree with which later negatively affects them, it’s frustrating (not that a lot of parents do it, but I’m in the Midwest and I watch some parents hurt their children).  They’ll have kids to keep up with their neighbor or whatever, which isn’t in my opinion a good enough reason.  I’d love to parent, but I want it to do it for the right reasons, that I genuinely think that my children could make a difference or I could love them with all my being and make a difference to them and I’m not doing it to fulfill the “standard” expectation of life.  Get married, have kids, raise them, have them leave, retire, wait for grand children…etc.

Post # 7
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

I felt that way before having children (many years ago), and one day on the radio I heard the comment which changed my mind.  On the topic of having children, the person said “Your child could be the one to change the world in a positive way.”  I work with foster and adoptive parents (the majority who are amazing people, by the way) and I know the love and care it is possible to give a non-biological child. 

I do think we must each take responsibility for the area in which we live and what  impact we have on it and what we are leaving behind.  With conscious actions, we can do our part to lessen the burden on our children’s shoulders.  I applaud  you for being concerned and thinking ahead.

I also want to say that with your awareness, we need parents like you who will conscientiously raise their children   It takes incredible hard work and ongoing commitment.  Best wishes.

Post # 8
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Violance people and wars have been there since the beginning of humankind. Pollution is a inssue, yes, but I think we are getting better about having environmentally friendly options.

 

I would definately talk to a few professionals before deciding to adopt. There’s a lot of baggage involved with those kids, even if you adopt them as an infant. And both nurture and nature play a role.

After what my ex-husband’s family went through with his adopted sister (adopted as an infant, but she put that family through hell and they eventually turned her back over as a ward of the state when she was 16), and also talking to a child psychologist that’s a friend of a friend, I am very wary of the possibility of adopting. I hope fiance and I can have our own kids. If we can’t, I may think about adoption, but I will approach it with a lot of caution.

I’m not going to tell you not to adopt, it takes a very special person to open their heart like that. Just make sure you know what you’re getting into.

Post # 9
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I have always had thoughts like this.  Until I met the love of my life (FI…duh), I swore I’d only want to adopt children.  I’m pretty big on ‘saving the environment’, because I think we have an amazing, beautiful, diverse planet and it pains me to see elements of it completely destroyed.  But FI was so set on one day being a biological father.  We talked about it a lot.  I realized I wanted to have kids with him one day too.  Like everyone else, we want to see our own genes passed on. It’s only natural, and it is one *powerful* natural force.  I know I’ll do my best to raise my kids to respect all the resources this planet has to offer (though FI may be a lost cause…every time he throws something recyclable in the trash, I half-jokingly tell him that because of his actions, I’m one day going to have to explain to our children why there is a landfill in our back yard).  Like sudslover said, thanks to our conscientiousness and the ways we raise them, your kids or my kids could be the ones to make a change for the better in the deteriorating state of our planet.  

Post # 10
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I don’t really know that I want kids but I don’t think having them is selfish. I feel like I’m not ready to give up on the world. I’m not convinced its all going inevitably to shit. Things could turn around, the world could become better. It could even be your kid who does it ya know? 🙂 

I do kind of feel like having more than 2 kids is selfish though. Population control is something I really worry about and I feel like if every 2 people could have no more than 2 kids it wouldn’t be a problem right? They are born, we will die, net population gain of 0. 

Post # 11
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

The only way that having children is selfish is if you don’t want the children but you have them anyway and then let them know constantly how they are ruining your life by being around. A number of parents actually do that to their kids and then can’t figure out why the kids need therapy years down the road. On the flip side, there are many parents out there who are as selfless as a person comes and honestly don’t have a selfish bone in their bodies, largely due to the fact that they can’t be selfish as parents because other folks are reliant on them.  

Post # 12
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Falling in love and seeing all the wonderful qualities in my mate wanted me to have a child to carry on our best qualities.  Fortunately my now seven year-old did get the best of both of us.  I worried before having children about whether I’d want to have kids.  Not only because of the state of the world but also because of mental illness and other issues in my own family.  But seeing that amazing ittle miracle that we created together never gets old.  He is so smart and sweet and special and he impacts the lives of so many people he meets.  We were at a neighborhood garage sale recently and a woman I’d never met said, “Oh, we see him walking to school and he just brightens my day every morning!  He’s always singing to himself and dancing along.”  Children… you can’t bet them. I have friends who have adopted and they feel the same way.

Certainly there are many, many children who need good homes.  I think adoption is a wonderful idea.  The joy and love that comes out of having children – biological or not – is so worth it!  And, finally, they both magnify and minimize the bad and good in the world.  They magnify it because you are scared to death of something bad happening to them.  They minimize it because the love you feel for them is so overwhelming it blocks out the bad.

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