(Closed) is having kids really for everyone?

posted 6 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@amoret11:  There are tons of people who don’t want kids and it’s perfectly normal and ok!  However, if your husband wants them and you don’t really, you two should talk about it sooner than later.

Post # 4
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Juliepants:  +1 Definitely talk about it with your husband. There are plenty of DINKs (Dual income no kids) couples out there who love not having kids and don’t ever plan on having them. If your husband wants kids, and you don’t then you need to consider whether or not it is a dealbreaker for you two. 

Post # 5
Member
9057 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

There’s nothing wrong with not wanting kids, and I think there’s plenty of people who shouldn’t have had them…

Truly the only person whose opinion on this matter actually means anything is your husband.  Hopefully you two can come to a mutually acceptable resolution 🙂

Post # 6
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@SapphireSun:  “I think there’s plenty of people who shouldn’t have had them…” Totally agree!! I work with homeless/disadvantaged kids, and there are some awful, awful parents out there!

OP, I honestly think it’s up to you and your husband. I know some couples who have been married for decades without kids and they’re perfectly happy. If, however, your husband wants kids and you’re thinking that it really isn’t for you, you two need to have an honest discussion about this. It’s not fair for one member of a couple to refuse to have kids if the other wants them, and this is an issue that’s hard to compromise on…I guess you could go with one child, foster care, big buddy program, etc., but there aren’t many ways to reach a middle ground, so this should be discussed as soon as possible with your husband.

Post # 7
Member
2620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

To echo PP, it’s perfectly normal to be ambivalent about kids–or to not want them at all. Also to echo PP, if you don’t think you want them and DH does, then this is something you need to discuss, pronto.

 

BUT if this is something that you’re grappling with now just because people are haggling you about it, then don’t panic under their pressure. There’s a difference between being ambivalent about kids, not ready to have kids, and definitely don’t want to have kids. If it’s either of the first two, then relax and wait. No one says you have to start trying just after getting married–and it’s nice to have that time together with just the two of you (which can be your response to child-pushers: “No, we’re not thinking about kids right now; we’re having too much fun being newlyweds!”) I suppose there could be some urgency depending on your age, but even then, there’s still always the option to parent, even if there isn’t the option to give birth (although respectfully, there are people who feel strongly about both those choices).

I understand your perspective as a teacher, somewhat, because my DH is also a teacher and has similar apprehensions. I don’t have children yet, but from what I hear from parents, children are a mixed bag–neither all fun and games NOR all drudgery and discipline.

Post # 8
Member
2778 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m in the process of deciding, FI really wanted kids for a while.  I kept trying to tell him once you have kids life as you knew it ends and you are no longer a priority.  The freedom that you once had is gone forever.  Hell I thought having a dog was like this too (it kinda is.)

He thought I was being ridiculous until this year when he saw his brother and SIL with their child and the realities of having kids finally set in.  Now hes says he could live without having kids.  I think I want at least one or two but not anytime soon.  He has basically left it up to me.  

There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids.  And the good thing is you probably still have some time to decide that.  Make sure you and your husband are on the same page though…

Post # 9
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I knew a teacher that got pregnant with her first at 44…she didn’t think she could get pregnant b/c of her age.  She never got into the “mommy” mentality but luckily her husband was and has taken on the role of “raising” the kid.  But it has caused a lot of turmoil in their marriage. 

This is definitely one of those conversations you’ll probably have over and over again with your DH.  As someone who is on my second marriage and suffered with infertility for 9 years, my DH knows that we may NOT be able to have kids….he does want them but says he loves me more and accepted the fact that may not have them before he proposed. And we DO have 2 life plans…one that includes kids and one that doesn’t.  It seems to work for us….

Post # 10
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee

Did you and your husband discuss this before marriage? If both couples decide they don’t want children there is nothing wrong with that. Being an Auntie is great. If your husband desires children I see that as being a problem. Most people don’t just get over wanting kids if they always imagine life with them.  you may have a change of heart down the line. But in the mean time have fun and don’t worry about it.

Post # 11
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Having kids is definitely not for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with anyone who doesn’t want kids / doesn’t know if they want kids. It’s a major shame that society makes it seem like there’s something wrong with a person (especially a woman) who is either ambivalent or against having children. It is such a personal choice with so many possible factors going into it that it’s nobody’s business but the couple’s and it’s both sad and irritating when people with kids think they’re better than the “weirdos” who don’t and look on them with pity. 

Post # 12
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I never wanted kids until just before I met my fi. I was always adamant that I would retain my life as my own and have my own freedom to do whatever I wanted.

I got pregnant unexpectedly ten weeks ago, but before that my feelings towards having children had started to change anyway.

 

So I don’t think of anyone who doesn’t want kids as weird or anything I think it’s a natural feeling. You either want kids or you don’t. I hope this doesn’t become an issue between you both though and I think you guys should definitely talk it over.

Post # 14
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think having kids is for everyone. There was a big to-do about this topic a few months ago when discussing whether there should be a childfree by choice board. You should have seen how many people said they don’t want kids! 

Post # 15
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Both myself and my FI are certain having kids isn’t for us. He does like kids but is very happy just having nieces and nephews. It is me who is adamant about not having them and that is something I made very clear when our relationship began to become serious.

I would highly recommend talking this out with your husband as this topic is something that is entirely between you and him.

Post # 16
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think it’s very respectable that you’re thinking through this logically, rather than making a decision based on what’s supposed to happen next in your life and your marriage, what society expects of you, what your friends/family expects of you, or any other external pressures about having children.

There are lots of us on these boards who choose to be without children, and others like a PP above who have plans for their lives with and without children, depending on what happens.  I don’t think it’s weird at all and studies are showing there is a huge increase of couples not having children these days.  People are really thinking it through nowadays rather than having kids because it’s what you do after getting married.  For some people, having children is fulfilling within them.  For others, it’s not.

With that in mind, like others said, you and your husband need to be on the same page.  I wouldn’t accept his rationale of “you’ll grow into the idea.”  I never grew into the idea of having kids and I’m 30 now.  Meeting my FI didn’t change my mind, either.  Some of us don’t get that magical biological clock that starts ticking, while others do.  It’s not something you can count on happening and he shouldn’t be assuming that one day you’ll wake up and want to have 3 kids.  I know it’s tough, but you’ll both have to sit down and seriously discuss what’s going to happen if you truly don’t want children and if it’s a dealbreaker for you both.  Good luck!

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