Is he actually considering marriage? Or am I just crazy?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Don’t worry about venting here, it’s one of the many reasons this site is so great!

I think he might very well be waiting for you to graduate, but I totally agree with him that living together beforehand will give you a better idea of what life together will be like. It sounds like he has really given it some thought and is excited abouot a future with you, so I don’t think the whole “free milk” thing applies here. I hated when my relatives used that phrase on me because I chose to live with him before. He was only waiting for me to finish school, and even then he proposed about a month before graduation.

Be patient and just let it happen. Whether you want to live with him or not, make sure it’s a decision between you two, not your relatives.

Sounds like he is responsible and really cares for you. Who knows, maybe some of his saving behavior is to make sure he can get you a nice ring and a beautiful wedding! 

Post # 4
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

I totally hate the phrase “why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?” in reference to getting engaged. No one is buying anybody. It’s bad on a lot of levels.

Anyway, as for your situation, I do think that you should live with him first. Especially because he has a crazy schedule, I think it’s something that you should get used to before getting married. Living together beforehand happens often, I see where he’s coming from.

Post # 5
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee

I went through this EXACT same thing. However, I decided to NOT move in with SO until he proposed…he was kind of disappointed, but totally understood where I was coming from. I would suggest that you tell him exactly what youre feeling AND why. If he really loves you and wants a future with you he should be open to at least talking about it.

As for the cow thing, you know your guy better than any of us ever could. If you think he’s the type that would get too comfortable and start dragging his feet then don’t move in. Otherwise, if you think he really is waiting for the reasons you listed (which are legit reasons, btw) then move in with your man! LOL

Hope I helped. And welcome to the BEE!!Sealed 

Post # 6
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I agree with PP about the ‘milk for free’ phrase. Plus if your already intimate then he is already getting it for free if you want to look at it that way and living with someone is so much harder than just visiting with someone, so he is already wanting to make a big commitment to your relationship and lay just see this as the next step to the ultimate commitment (My FI did). But it also needs to be a decision that you make together and that your happy with. I said no to living with my FI the first time he asked because I wasn’t ready but when we discussed it a year later I was really excited about it and then a year later he proposed 🙂 you’ve got to do what you feel is right for you! 

But my biggest question is why doesn’t he want you to work? Not even before kids? Don’t waste your education! 

Post # 7
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@skinnypinkmartini:  Seems like an easy fix. Get engaged before you move in together and pick your date 2 years from then so you’ll have that year to learn how it is living with a pilot before you start booking venues and what-not.

Post # 8
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Dessne:  “I agree with PP about the ‘milk for free’ phrase. Plus if your already intimate then he is already getting it for free if you want to look at it that way”

Not trying to single you out because I know other people have said it, but I happened to read yours.

My first husband and I moved in the day we got back from our honeymoon. We’re divorced.

My current FI and I had sex and lived together for over a year before getting engaged. He still bought the “cow” even with the free milk.

Post # 9
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

First of all it’s really nice to see someone around my age with a similar length relationship wondering the things I’ve been wondering. You are very much not alone and this is very much a safe place 😀

 

Secondly I highly doubt that he just doesn’t want to be with you, or all the signs would also point to my BF not wanting to marry me (and I really don’t want that XD).

 

Living together is a good learning curve and buying a house can be a really good ‘test’ for a relationship so I definately recommend it before engagement and certainly before marriage, I moved into my boyfriend’s family home (so not quite the same but still living together) after 2yrs 1mth and it’s been such an awesome experience.

I think his request of living together for a year before marriage isn’t unreasonable. Why don’t you make a deal with him of sorts that you’re willing to move in with him but would like to be engaged 6mths to a year after moving in and then married about a year after that? Then there’s plenty of time for seetling in and learning each others rhythms but still a clear target on the horizon.

 

Finally, I’d try to ignore comments about giving the milk away… you aren’t a cow and he’s not farming you for milk as it were XD

Wish you the best!

Post # 10
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

OP, sounds like he is definitely considering it.  I too have looked at houses for the future on house websites discussing nurseries, kitchens, gardens etc, and what the wedding will be like…. and then he’ll not bring it up or amonth, just like that.  So I know what you mean when you say he’ll just not talk “marraige for a while.  Your SO sounds like a planner, again like mine.  I find with SO that he has to think things through and he is very thorough with things.  This has ld to believe I’ll need to be patient.  We have agreed that we wil need to be engaged before living together.

Post # 11
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

– He told me that, because he has a crazy schedule, he wants to live with me a year before marrying me, so I can truly understand what it is to be living with a pilot.

In my books, that’s what an engagement is for. I agree with your sister and mother – don’t move in with him until he’s made that commitment. And I don’t say that because I think it’s wrong or anything, but because you’re clearly uncomfortable with it. It sounds like you want the big commitment and you probably will feel insecure and unfulfilled if you move in with him without that commitment. You’ll start dropping hints, he’ll feel pressured, you’ll become resentful etc etc. Just be strong and tell him you won’t live with him unless you’re engaged if that’s how you really feel. You shouldn’t move in with him unless you’re 100% comfortable with that situation. 

Post # 12
Member
2731 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

If you dont want to live with him before he commits than dont. I told my husband firmly living with anyone is a compromise and I wont compromise myself or my daughter without a commitment. Engagement to me was the same as marriage. I didnt live with my husband until 4 months after we announced our engagement and 7 months after we ageed to get married. I have no qualms on this at all I am happy I stuck to my guns we have a very functional relationship and in the year we’ve lived together we still havent fought. We have a working system of the house being cleaned and things getting done. We’re happier than we ever were before things fell into place because we discussed everything before moving in together and took a few trips together with my daughter.

Now the funniest thing was when we were looking at houses to move into and my mom told her sister we were going to move in together. My aunt used the cow and milk line. Then she asked if we were going to get married she was very judgey. My mom knew yes we were engaged but we wanted to keep that on the down low until the ring came in she simpley said “I dont know we will have to wait and see”. When the engagement was announced about 6 weeks later my aunt had to do the Oops I’m sorry for assuming things. My aunt should have known after my first divorce and how persnicketty I’d gotten with my relationships me moving in with anyone without a commitment wasnt going to happen.

Post # 13
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@jadlnc:  I’m with you on the whole “milk/cow” analogy I think – I don’t agree with it at all which is what I was trying to say and what I thought the 2 previous posters had also expressed.  I also live with my FI and we bought a house together prior to getting engaged (with the engagement being a complete surprise to me) so I’m like you – another “cow” that got bought despite all the free “milk”. I am very happy we did live together before getting engaged even if not all my family was thrilled. I guess I was just trying to say that if you are just going to reduce a relationship down to milk well then it doesn’t really matter where you live for it to be free – and at least in my mind asking someone to live with you is a serious commitment to the relationship.

Post # 14
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I honestly think the whole “cow and milk” thing is just for parents and other family members who are not really judging but making sure it’s what you want to do. I honestly feel like if I’m willing to marry the guy then as the vows (traditional ones) say good bad sickness health etc. So as an adult making grown up choices you need to take all those pet peeves and funky working hours into consideration before even moving. Now I think for some people moving in works and if I personally wasn’t traditional in tht way my SO of 7and half years and I would have lived together long time (started dating at 16 & 19) but being raised the way we were we both made that choice to wait til marrage. With that said i agree with PP this decision should be made between the two of you and if you do agree with the “milk and cow” thing wait like you want to. 

Post # 15
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@242beauty:  oh and yes I do think that he is cnsidering marriage. He sounds like he really is taking you in consideration making sure it’s a life YOU want. He knows what living together and beign married to him would take. He wants to make sure you are comfortable with his crazy workign hours. SOme nights he wouldn’t be to bed or leavign the early hours of the morning. You guys want children and he says he doen’t want you to work.. I can understand that too with him beign gone so much atleast one parent should be home with the kids now before even havign kids idk but he sounds like he thought you were someone to take serious from the very beginning. Waiting to make sure he wanted to date you before showing interest..honestly he my have a little traditional bones in his body caus eto me it just sounds like he wants to make sure that life with him would make you truly happy and not let you feel trapped engaged or married and not willing to deal with everything. He wants to take care of you and i think he’s a keeper and a sweetie for it. 

Post # 16
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think not moving in with him is a good idea… if that is what you have decided.. don’t let anyone (online) or your SO himself change your mind about it…

Your convictions are what they are….

I think you need to clarify to him that your decision to not live with him until you are married (if that’s what your decision is) will not be changing…

He should respect that, and if he doesn’t… then that is something to be dealt with as well.

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