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Has anyone else had their FI use the cost of the wedding to justify buying something else?
"If we can afford spending all this money on a wedding, why can't we buy a new TV?"
Explaination:
We moved last weekend, in the move our TV broke. I'm fine with not having a TV for a long.. long time. However, my fiance is not ok with that, he's not OK buying used, or getting something smaller than 40 inches. We've been watching tv and movies on my computer monitor for the time being. He has said however that he would 'get bored' of that and not want to sit on the couch and watch TV with me anymore. I feel like spending time together on the couch (favorite snuggle time) is being held hostage for buying a TV. I would be the one footing the bill for the new TV, as I am the one footing the bill for the wedding. We'll have (barely) enough to pay for the wedding if all goes well.
I just am worried that if I cave to this, he'll want me to buy other things. Like a new gaming system... or a sound system... or anything else he wants. Does he just not understand that I've budgeted our wedding down to a dime and that I'm scrimping and saving everything I can (PB&J's for lunch, free food whenever asked, no shopping, major cut backs on dinners out with friends). I'm just fustrated and worried.
I would let him get the TV. Or maybe register for one so if someone doesn't buy it, you can get the discount at the end with whatever is left on your registry.
Are you paying for the wedding on your own or as a couple?
That makes no sense at all! The whole point of budgeting is that you need to make sure you have the money and don't buy something just because you are buying something else! I would have a serious talk with him about how much the wedding is costing and where you are financially now You also probably want to use this time before the wedding to talk about money management styles so you can see if you two think the same or if you think differently. Good luck!
I guess if you're the one paying for everything, you get final say =\. If you can barely cover everything, I would hold off on a tv until it's comfortable to spend that amount. If you're eating PB&J's for lunch just to save money, it's safe to say a big new television is a luxury at this point.
It bugs me that he wants to spend YOUR money.
IMO, if you are scrimping and saving to pay for a wedding, then HE can scrimp and save if he wants a new TV. Especially since he seems unwilling to compromise about where the TV is coming from...used, smaller, etc.
If he wants a new tv he can go pay for one himself. You are budgeting for a wedding.
I don't think it's really reasonable to put EVERY penny toward the wedding. You should still be able to enjoy your life in the meantime, and you don't want to end up resenting the wedding because of what you had to give up to get it. If he really wants the tv, let him get it. Just maybe work it out so that he saves up out of the money you budgeted for spending money (even if it takes awhile), so that it won't affect your wedding savings.
Is he not contributing financially at all? Does he make any of his own money?
If you are paying for the wedding AND for this possible TV, I think you need to discuss with him that there are three options:
1) You do not buy a TV until the wedding is over and/or you have money to spare for one (Also, registering for the TV is a smart idea).
2) He gets a job and pays for the TV himself, or at least help you pay for it.
3) You compromise and buy a cheaper TV that fits more easily into the budget rather than an expensive 40" flatscreen TV.
This is what I'm confused about. Does he make his own money?
Another ditto for ejs4y8. I would put it on the registry, but I would also tell him that he needs to save for it himself. You can't be expected to pay for every purchase.
@ejs4y8: Yeah... I brought that point up. Its my money, I'm the one paying for it.
His response:
"We are getting married, its going to be our, is this how its going to be with all money the rest of our lives?"
I make more money than he does, I always have, so I've always picked up the bill for more expensive things. I have never liked doing it, I don't like having to pay for his way, but the reality is if I want fly across country and have him go with me to meet my parents, then I have to pay for that expense. I was really peeved about the comment he made about "I'll get bored of sitting on the couch with you watching a tiny screen" after a while. That made me really mad and hurt.
@Miss Tattoo: He does have a job, he makes OK money, but he also has MASSIVE student loans, therefore has no money. I pretty much manage his money, so I know he's not just spending it on other things, its just after Student Loans and bills there's almost nothing left.
I think its a matter of priorities. Yours is paying for the wedding and his is the TV. So it is fair that you both get your priorities. Its NOT fair that you have to pay for both. If he wants to a TV, then he should scrimp and save. If you were both paying for the wedding, then you should both pay for a TV, but that is not the case.
However, there is the argument that since you are getting married its "your money", but I dont buy that. My FH and I split shared expenses based on the % of income we make. Big additional expenses are split or paid by one or the other depending on what it is and who wants it. (Assuming we have met our saving guidelines that month etc).
EDIT: what I mean by % of income. We both put in 50% of our income for shared living expenses, eating out etc. The rest is "my" money. Of course I will use if for us stuff, but if I wanted a new TV and FH didnt want to spend the money on it, then it would come from account. Of course, if it were really expensive we would both come to an agreement about its not nice to spend that kind of money on something that the other doesnt agree on.
@bonsai_spork: In my relationship, my SO makes significantly more money than I do. As such, he pays for most of the expensive purchases and I cover the smaller ones. That said, I do not get to have whatever I want just because we share money. He is better with money so he does the budgeting, plus he makes most of it anyway so I think it is fair that he can veto purchases I want to make. Sure, he tries very hard to be fair and compromise with me or work something out if I want something expensive, but beggars can't be choosers. If I really want something that he doesn't want to pay for, I either have to contribute more money to it myself, wait or not get it at all.
The wedding is important to you and this TV is important to him, but if you're paying for the WHOLE wedding, then he has to compromise on something.
Yeah, tell him to put it on the registry and then get the discount in the end if your friends don't go in together and buy it.
Okay that right there makes me a little nervous. It sounds so....expected/moochy for him to say that. Just because you make more money doesn't mean he's entitled to "woohooo *I* get more money now!" especially with an attitude like that. I've known a lot of people who "marry up" financially speaking and spend a bunch of money and get in trouble with it.
For the longest time, DH made more money than me (i was in college, so totally broke!) and I would have NEVER said something like that....even now, we just went through a phase where i made 2X what he made and if he said something like that to me...oh man, red flags would go up. It's the attitude, you know?
You guys need to find a way to make it work for both of you. He may be thinking he is suddenly going to come into a lot of money and you may have different ideas
@ejs4y8: Yeah it was major red flags, and so unexpected. He's usually not like this. We've been living together for around 5 years, he's never been 'moochy' before. Its really only since we've been planning the wedding that this attitude has appeared.
I guess I'm in the minority here, and maybe I'll get flamed, but let the the man get a TV or come up with some sort of compromise. You would be ok without a tv, but clearly he isn't so it needs to be adressed. Maybe tell him you can't afford a nice, new big TV now, but you can buy a used TV or a smaller TV until after the wedding and that if you get any monetary gifts, if can be used to purchase a TV. Is there a reason he isn't paying for anything? What if you went halfsies?
In the grand scheme of things, weddings are just a day and are more for the bride than the groom. You might end up with a resentful groom if he can't have a TV for the sake of a wedding.
EDIT: I had the screen up and loaded for a little before I got to reading it so you clarified some things more before I posted and refreshed the post. It makes sense why you are hesitant.
Tell him if he wants a TV, he can save for it. Maybe you can pay half or something. I'd also tell him to scour Craigslist, there are some good finds on there sometimes when people are moving and just have to get rid of stuff.
You can definitely find a good deal on TVs--DH brought home a 44" television for around $350 a few months ago. Maybe look into day after Christmas sales if it's an option. I hear right after Superbowl in February is the best time of year to buy.
@ejs4y8: That's an idea, I hadn't heard that before, he has said he's willing to wait a couple months at least and try to save up (the original fight (sidenote: we never fight, its almost unheard of) was because I thought he wanted me to buy a TV this week ack!!) So after the Super Bowl / Post Xmas sales eh? ......................... RESEARCH!
Did you and your FI actually agree on the budget and the cost of the wedding or was it all your decision? because it sounds like he isnt as onboard with the idea of spending every last dime on the wedding and not being able to spend on things that he likes. Does he work? If so why cant he pay for his own tv and how come you are footing the entire bill. And just because you are footing the whole bill, does that mean he doesnt get a say?
@JoesWifey: I agree with you... to a point.
It's one thing for it to be important to have a t.v. It's another to insist that only a brand-new, 40" model will do.
I don't buy that kind of excuse. For example, just because my husband is going to visit some friends in Toronto in a couple weeks does not give me the right to go out and blow $500 on anything I want just to equal out his expenses. I think that the fact that you can afford a wedding does not give full license to spend whatever you want on any luxury goods. Quite the opposite - it means you should be pouring your extra money into savings and making sure the wedding isn't detracting from your nest egg/retrement/emergency fund!
Funny how the tables turn when the guy needs something. lol Flip the genders and the responses would be different. lol (I only read some of them)
When I read the question I was like "Oh boy...I certainly agree with the guy. I can't wait to answer this question." But this was with the following assumptions:
-The money had not been assigned to specific stuff yet
-He was contributing equally
Now that I have found out that the money has been specifically assigned, it does not seem fair to cut out something you had been planning for. If that would need to be done, it is not right.
Also, now that we find you are paying for it all yourself (if you are giving us a fair story-see below*), it also changes the flavor a bit.
* If it is a situation where you are paying for the wedding because you wanted a big wedding and he wasn't into it but he is paying the rent and all the bills, you have to be fair and tell us. In that case, even though he is not contributing to the wedding specifically, he is still dolling out money for the two of you.
SOLUTION -Marriage is about compromising. The same way you are worried that if you give in he will want more, I would be worrying that if you refused to compromise and had no concern about my unhappiness then you would behave the same way throughout the whole marriage.
As long as nothing has to be cancelled, I would say get a TV but insist on the smaller one (of good quality) that can be used in some other room once you decide to get the big one he wants for the living room later. You can get a 26 inch HDTV for $330 (good brand too). I agree if you can plan a multi-thousand dollar wedding, you can afford $330 and should not keep him in the prison of watching on the computer. I'm a guy and I will tell you there would always be some resentment there if you gave a definitive "no". The bottom line is if something is very important to one partner where it causes unhappiness, both need to find a way to fix it...not ignore it.
*If you have not given us the complete picture and he is contributing an equal amount to the finances (just that his money is going towards other things) you should let him get the size of TV he wants now. You like the big wedding and you are getting that. He wants to enjoy a TV and should...but this is only if the contribution is equal.
That is a good point. For weddings, not all money have to be paid now so they could get the TV and tell him he had better make up the money by the time it is needed.
@Socrates: I've given a pretty accurate picture. We both pay towards all bills (sometimes he can't help with car payment/insurance, so I just cover it) but he pays his half of rent, half of utilities, his loans (I have student loans too, but they are less than his), and some food. He is budgeted to pay for half of the car payment and insurance, but I understand that some months that just can't happen.
-I really understand that he wants a TV and that I want a wedding, but I thought that WE wanted a wedding, thats why he asked me, right?
-The wedding isn't a 'big' wedding its 100 people and I'm doing a lot of DIY, which I'm fine with.
FI and i have been drooling over this 65 inch plasma at best buy....we are gonna get it! but not until after the wedding...that was our compromise.
Wait a minute...wait a minute.
First of all, I just find it funny that the responses on this board doesn't follow the way my FF2 poll went and in that case it would have been about him restricting you (since you are the higher earner). All of a sudden the board women are not buying the "our". lol
Secondly, I'm a guy so I want to come to his defense about the couch comment. He didn't mean to hurt you. It is not saying snuggling with you is boring but that can get old...no matter how much he loves you. You may get more out of spooning than he does...lol He is just being honest that he would want the option to watch some TV...and not on a cpu. It sounds like TV is a bigger component of his entertainment and just because it is not as important to you, you are ignoring him.
Thirdly...so he DOES contribute 1/3 of the total. My opinion is if he would have been able to get the TV without you, he should be able to get it. I'm not in favor of the "double approval" system. It's too restricting of a system that just gives the other person ultimate power. It is not equal at all.
This TV is a bigger issue than you realize... It's not just about the TV anymore...
I understand not buying the most expensive tv out there, but I also don't think its really fair that he has to go without either. If you've paid for the majority of large expenses in the past, I don't think its unfair or "mooching" of him to think you'd pay for this to. To him, I would assume that you would rather (and you are willing to scrimp and save for that) spend money on the wedding (aka "your day") than on something that would make him happy. If I were you, I would discuss him contributing to the TV, and you both agreeing on something to cut back on your wedding so you can buy the TV. Marriage is about compromise, right? And this is something he really wants, so I think its only fair to compromise. I, for one, would not be able to go without a tv for months either, and I'd be pretty bitter if my bf did not want to purchase a new one for months.
Edit: I just saw your last post. Guys generally (not always, don't flame me for this) want a marriage, but not necessarily a wedding. He might see all the money that you are spending on a wedding to be an unnecessary expensive but one you're willing to spend because its what YOU want. A TV is what HE wants. That, you are not willing to budge on? I'd be hurt, too.
@Krises: I agree about guys wanting a marriage but not necessarily a wedding.
But OP, I am not in any way saying that you are spending an exorbinate amount on the wedding. Did the two of you discuss the wedding budget before you started planning?
@Socrates: OH believe me, I know its a bigger issue than 'just a tv' now. Just an FYI, without me he wouldn't be able to afford to afford a TV he wouldn't be able to afford to live anywhere but his mom's house, or a house full of roommates. Not mean, just truthful.
I definitely also know that our situation is 'weird' with me being the high earner, its unusual and I honestly have trouble with it sometimes. So I understand why the other posters are having trouble with the 'our'.
I guess I understand about him getting bored watching a tiny screen, but people didn't always have giant TVs. Half the time he uses it I'll get nothing out of it because he'll be playing Call of Duty :\ *GRUMBLE!*
@MissAsB: We did discuss it, but he's always in the mindset of "it will take care of itself" or "I'll probably be making more money by then" so its hard for him to think ahead when it comes to budget. I suggested a $ amount I thought we could handle. He agreed.
I'm willing to compromise with him, but he is being really stubborn about the 'used' or the 'smaller'
"Why buy something that'll just break in 6 months?" or "If we're spending that much, why not buy something that we'll be able to see from the couch better"
Completely reasonable responses, and it drives me nuts.
I never understand these posts because my partner and I have always shared income. Around the time of our wedding, things were a little tighter- but he was on the same page, that page being "we need money for the wedding."
When we make large purchases we always talk to each other first and have rarely not been on the same page. If it happens, we talk about it until we are or find a suitable compromise. Perhaps in your situation the compromise would be purchasing a smaller less expensive TV and after the wedding investing in something a little nicer. If he's incapable of a compromise perhaps you need to re-evaluate who you're marrying.
Snuggling on the couch does get old pretty fast. I don't see the problem with him getting a TV if he saves up for it. I just found out that those registry things offer a discount at the end for things left on your list! That's pretty amazing. Miss Tattoo and I put a 65 inch from Sears on our registry. It will be a cold day in hell before someone buys it for us, but we get the discount in the end so I can wait. Don't treat him like a child. Don't gloat about how you make more money than him. You chose to enter a living situation knowing these facts. If I couldn't spend any money during this whole saving up for the wedding thing, I would lose it. Especially if I didn't have a TV to watch.
ETA: Another poster hit it on the nail. We don't want to spend thousands of dollars on table cloths and personalized wedding favors people throw out. All I care about is marrying Miss Tattoo, having grat alcohol, food, and a great time with our family and friends. The centerpieces can go to hell.
@bonsai_spork: I think it's crazy that he is being so stubborn. Used doesn't mean a piece of junk. You can get a used TV (or a scratch and dent from an electronics store) and it will work just as good as a brand new TV. It just might not look completely gorgeous like a brand new one.
@MissAsB: Sometimes people forget that "wedding budget" should be part of "regular household budget". As in, a line item next to rent/groceries/gas/spending money/wedding. Even if most of the money goes to the wedding, there should still be room for everything else. I think it's kind of silly to eat pb and j and watch tv on your computer because you were unfair to yourselves (and maybe a little unrealistic) when budgeting for your wedding, but maybe that's just me. Wedding budgets are supposed to represent what you can AFFORD, not every cent you can possibly scrounge together by deadline.
@Belle2Be: FTW! (for the win!)
I love COD!
Miss Tattoo played with me last night and goes "Wait...what button shoots!"
To give you an example from someone else, we have a 26" tv at the moment which even I think is pretty small. But you know what, the shows and movies are still exactly the same. We probably will upgrade to something bigger but not until we have all the money we need for the wedding safely put away in our savings account. We'll never be able to pay for the wedding ourselves if we spend our money on too many other things.
This goes both ways though and affects both of us, for example I would love to replace our ugly sofas but restyling the living room is going to have to wait. If this affects only your fiance and there's still room in the budget to buy things that maybe are more important to you I'd reconsider. Even if your fiance makes less money it's important that you make spending decisions together as a family.
It's a tough situation indeed, but why don't you agree a sum you think is reasonable for a tv, eg $350, and tell your fiance that's the max amount. Then he can go do some research and find the best possible deal out there.
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