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It sounds like you have very valid concerns. I am 32 and met my fiance online (on MySpace so while neither of us were looking for a relationship, per se, we found it anyway!) I understand what you're saying about wishing you were 26 but for me I wish I were 26 so that I'd have more time with FI, not so that I would have more time to look for someone else. I think the best thing is to trust your gut but it is worth it to talk to FI about your concerns and maybe do some premarital counseling so that you can give yourself a better opportunity to work through your concerns. Does he know how you feel? Does he know that you want to be a mom and work part-time at some point? Maybe he sees you as the more ambitious high earner in the relationship and that's okay with him but he doesn't know that it's not okay with you?
I've read that finances are the biggest reason that couples give for splitting so it's worth putting the effort in on this side of the wedding so that you are better prepared going forward. He sounds like a very good person and a wonderful partner in the way that he treats you so it might be worth working through any concerns you have now so that you are both on the same page.
What a tough spot to find yourself in!
I understand that reasons you stated, being 36, wanting children, etc., but I have to wonder what your reasons for getting married are. Marriage, in my opinion, shouldn't be about finding someone who's 'good enough' (your parenthetical statement above is what worries me more than anything) so that you can have kids or take a break from your career. Marriage should be about finding someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, to the point where you're willing to sacrifice to make the compromises necessary in any relationship, for better or worse, richer or poorer, sick or well, until death.
Only you can really know if this man is right for you or not, but I would encourage you to consider very strongly what purpose you see in marriage - and then why you want to consider marrying this man in particular.
If you're having second thoughts to the point where you are looking for someone else (even if it's innocent) then it could be an issue. Have you addressed your concern/discussed your long term goals with him as far as family and finances?
At 35, I understand it is more challenging, but you're not OLD! As others have stated, finances are one of the biggest deal-breakers in marriages/relationships so if you're having doubts before the serious commitment is made, it might be good to step outside of your situation and look in as a bystander.
Also, it might be best to speak with someone you trust and knows you well/who you KNOW will give you an honest opinion on the matter.
Good luck, and we're here for you!!
I agree that if you're having second thoughts it might be deeper than just the money issue. I would suggest that you two go to a counselor (maybe someone who specializes in financial help) to talk things out before you dive into a wedding. A lot of marriages end in divorce because of money and I would hate to see your marriage get started that way.
Good luck with everything, he seems like a great guy but you've got to figure out what your priorities are before you jump the broom!
I can't say I'm in the same boat as you, but I do understand how those problems wear on you. I used to date a guy who was like that--no education, no savings, he had no desire to go to college, etc. He wanted ME to do all the hard work and he just was content to stay where he was. He was NOT ambitious. After awhile I felt like I was dating a loser. That he had "won the jackpot" by dating me and felt he was "moving up" in the world by dating someone as ambitious as me who really wanted to do well in life. Who wanted MORE than the life he could offer himself. Long sotry short, I began to feel sorry for him. I began to hate that I was so much "better" than him. He became dull and uninteresting and the gap in education became too much for me to deal with. He once asked me what naive meant....Regardless that he was a nice, sweet guy and worshiped the ground I walked on, I realized I couldn't date someone I didn't respect.
You make it sound like you know you're settling for him. He's good (enough). If you want a child, you can have a child. You don't have to have a child WITH someone, especially someone you aren't thrilled and elated to be marrying. Don't just marry him so you can have kids--you're cheating yourself and at some point down the road, you may become very unhappy. While I can't tell you what to do, if you are browsing around for other men and/or not feeling 100% confident about marrying this guy, that should send up a big red flag. It's not just the fact that he's 'poor' but if he's in his 30's also, there's no reason he shouldn't have some savings or just rely on you, the financially stable/secure one, to be his sugar momma (pay for the entire wedding, the house, etc, while he is just like "shrug, i have nothing"). It's irresponsible that he's come this far and has absolutely nothing to show for it, some valid reasons aside. You'll become resentful and feel like you are being taken advantage of if you don't feel like he's contributing in positive ways to the household (besides money).
Just my 2 cents. You have a tough decision, but don't cheat yourself out of happiness and a good marriage if you're going into it without confidence.
I agree with the pp. I can relate with you a LITTLE bit because I am much more educated than my FI (I have a BA and JD from a good school, he has a business degree from Devry) and I can't say that I don't ever wish that education was more of a priority for him. That being said, he has really worked his butt off with the degree he has and has aggressively persued promotions at his job, even going so far as studying for a really challenging certification test to open up his options.
It sounds to me like the money is not the issue... the issue is that you don't respect him. You think he's wasted opportunities and he'll never be able to "take care" of you. You can't marry someone you don't respect, imo.
I agree with the other posters here that you should not go ahead with the wedding having doubts like that. Your doubts mean that something is wrong in the relationship. Have you two talked about this at all and he said that he doesn't care to work more or does he not know that you want to be an at home mother? Men your age should be saving for things like retirement and a future home. You should find someone that you can't live without, not someone who is just good enough. You aren't old and you have time to find someone that you are completely crazy about and doesn't give you doubts.
I think that you already know the answer if you are posting this question. You can't marry someone you are unsure about and you are clearly not sure about this guy.
Generally I don't believe in settling.
I'm a little worried about your priorities and ideas about what marriage is. I think you see marriage as the man taking care of the woman and you see women as entiteled to take time off to raise kids. (Just curious, would he be interested in raising the kids?). That's not the way I see marriage and not the way I planned my life.
However, you really shouldn't marry someone you can't respect and if your respect is tied to ambition and financial security then you shouldn't marry this guy.
I would take some time to think about what you're gong to do if you can't find a guy. What is your plan about children if you can't find someone you want to marry? Are you going to have a child on your own or always regret not having childen? If you do have a child on your own how are you going to support him/her and stll take care of them?
I don't say this in a hostile way, I think it can be really useful to go through a "what if" excercise. If you come up with a way you can have a child/whatever else you want and happiness without a man you might see internal anxiety decrease (not saying you shouldn't want to find a romantic partner or shouldn't look). I believe in plan Bs. :)
If you're browsing match.com and wishing for another (richer) man to whisk you away, it doesn't sound like this is the man for you. My husband is not wealthy, and makes a third of my income, and I absolutely adore him and think I got the better end of the deal (he disagrees :) ), because of how much he gives me and brings to my life. I don't need a man to pay my bills-- I need a man to love me, and laugh with me, and be a great dad to our (future) children, and join with me on life's adventures. I would never give him up, just because he's not climbing the corporate ladder or always searching for that next promotion.
Have you had a talk about finances with your fiance? It would be rough to marry someone who is really financially irresponsible, but I can't tell if that is the case here (you didn't mention any debts, and noted that he has 401k savings). Is it just that he's been living within his means, without socking anything away other than retirement money?
You say "if only I were 26 again"-- but honestly, you didn't meet this mythical brilliant, rich, and kind man the first time around, so what makes you think you'd meet him the second? Not trying to be snarky/harsh, just saying that you might be chasing something that doesn't exist. Remember that oftentimes having a really ambitious, career-focused guy comes with a price. I know for me, I'd rather have a guy who is family-focused.
I am 34 and an attorney. Although I was corporate before I went to law school (I travelled extensively and worked 60+ hours a week), I have never worked as hard as I do now (my billing requirement is substantial), nor have I ever been under as much pressure. In fact, I am pretty sure that I was clueless about stress until I was introduced to the *annual billing requirement* that most attorneys work under. I digress . . .
While I agree with the pps that people shouldn't *settle* in their relationships, it seems like there is a lot of communication that hasn't occured between you and your FI (or at least if it has occurred, you did not include it in your post). For example, you "can't understand" where all of his money went - did you ask? Have the two of you had an open conversation about your financial goals, and made a plan to achieve them? Another example would be you were hoping to be able to go part-time and/or stay home and raise a family - is he aware that you want to take a break from your career and stay home with your children? From your original post, it doesn't sound like you have clearly communicated to him that you want to stay home and raise your family - or that you haven't clearly communicated how strong your desire to do so really is.
Perhaps what struck me the most is your statement that you dream of finding a brilliant man (hello Prince Charming?) and being whisked away . . . whisked away to where? What is it about your current situation that you want to be rescued from? (This is not a question that I expect an answer to, just one for you to think about!)
I want to re-state that I don't think anyone should *settle*. However, there is generally a trade-off, or a balance of the equities, if you will, to life. You stated that your FI is emotionally generous, which would be a dream come true to many, many women. Most of the successful, brilliant, ambitious men I have met are not quite in that category, i.e., they did not become successful without intensely focusing on themselves and their careers. Also, I think it speaks volumes for your FI that he is not intimidated by an accomplished professional woman that has more education/income potential that he does . . . some may see gold digger while I tend to see a man secure and confident in himself.
It is pretty clear that you don't love him. It's only fair to him for you to cancel the engagement. How would you feel if your roles were reversed, and you discovered that your partner only married you for your ovaries? You're not treating him with respect.
Everyone has their "deal breakers" and this might be yours. I don't think you should be concerned with your age or how long you've been dating, in regards to this. You say you don't want to risk the unknown future but wouldn't you rather be happily single than miserably married? Just because you marry this guy, doesn't mean he's going to change to be something he's not. If this is your deal breaker, I'd say get out now. You're not happy with the situation now, you won't be in 5 years.
However, if your SO is committed to change than it might be worth it to stick it out. Have you ever talked to him about your concerns? Has he given you a reason to believe he might be willing to work on this aspect of his life?
I don't think anyone is going to whisk us away, and I doubt you really believe in that either since you worked so hard to become a doctor. I don't think there is anything wrong though with wanting someone that is your equal. Not so much having the same salary but someone who values the same things you do. Shared values are essential in a marriage. It seems that you value education, working hard, ambition, and financial security while your FI may be more of a happy go lucky type. I don't think you would be concerned about compatibilty if let's say your FI was a research scientist that just didn't make much money. I think not being compatible in values is a potential deal breaker. How would you raise your kids? Would your FI think it's ok if your kid got C's while you wished she would strive for more? It doesn't sound like you two are on the same page about how you view life. I think this deeply concerns you and you are already looking to see if you made the right decision. Perhaps, you can go to a counselor alone or to a trusted friend to sort out your feelings before you make a mistake. If you want a child, there is nothing stopping you- you don't need a man to raise a child.
It sounds to me that you're looking for perfection. That's nowhere to be found. I agree with the others that you shouldn't marry him if you can't accept him for what he is and what is ultimately important to him.
I found the following book really helpful: Kiss and Run: The Single, Picky, and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Fear of Commitment by Elina Furman.
It sounds as if - aside from some valid concerns - you may have some issues with commitment. I've been there - and this book definitely opened my eyes to the many problems that I brought to relationships. Good luck!
PPs - I think we can be a bit more sensitive and less judgemental to a fellow bee who is clearly really struggling and probably has no where else where she can be so honest...
@dancingbee - I dated a similar guy. Great, sweet, completely in love with me, but not ambitious at all - totally content to take his unemployment as long as possible after he was laid off etc. I think the issue is less about the money and more about respect. I didn't respect my BF the way he deserved to be respected and I suspect you feel the same way about your FI. It is not fair to either of you to embark on a lifelong partnership when that respect just isn't there. Maybe you can work through it and get there, but I knew I couldn't. at the same time, I understand you have just one life to lead and you see your chances of having a baby slipping away - I am in my early thirties and have seen many friends struggle with the same thing. While you never know, most of those people wasted too much time with the wrong guy - but very quickly found the right one as soon as they were honest with themselves and ended the "good enough" relationship.
I am not in my 30's but please listen to my post because I think that it will make some sense. Although I am 26, I have a 7 year old son and have been a RN for several years... killing myself daily between work and my son. Then I met my fiance online. He was not financially secure but was loving and affectionate, sweet, caring, doting, he took my breath away. He was not particularly ambitious or motivated, so at one point, I actually left him after 2 years and after some time started dating this other man. This man was financially secure, a parent himself, owned his own home, was in excellent physical shape and we had fun together but yet he was interested in having more children in the near future. But he was not at all doting or passionate about me... in fact, I often felt like he could take me or leave me just as easily...and every day I found myself missing those things about my ex that I loved. And this was about a year after we broke up. So I realized I was SETTLING for someone who I liked but was not passionately in love with. After breaking it off I became involved with my ex again and we are getting married in October... He is more financially stable right now but I will most likely always make more money as I have education and experience on my side and he is occasionally still lazy which drives me crazy but he is definately more motivated.
I guess my point is this. There are two things to address here.
1) If you NEED something in your life, then you need it... For you it is all the things you named, for me... it was the guy who was doting and passionate and loving like I am
2) If you have purused others... you already answered your own question. When someone else is on your mind.. particularly ANYONE but your fiance.. your fiance is not the one.
I read your post and for a couple of minutes I thought you were a very good friend of mine (in CA no less) that recently got married. Same situation, almost to a "T." She got married in May and our friendship was severed in March due to the situation. I nicely voiced my concerns about what she was doing. She pretty much said she wanted a baby and right now. He quit his job 4 months before the wedding and had no plans to look till after they got married. She bought her OWN engagement ring because he had no savings.
Please, think seriously about this. Do you have passion for this man? Do have that feeling of you "just know?" If not think reconsider or at least stall for a while. Something is amiss and you guys really need to talk about things. You have every right to see his finances and find out where his money has gone.
I don't claim FI and I are equal but we both have things that kinda even out the other. He has no savings while I have a lot. He has credit card but I do not. I do however have a student loan and a MBA. He has no student loans and no degree but makes more money than I do base. His credit is perfect, mine is shot due to a bad investment. There are pros and cons for both of us. I know exactly how he got into debt and how he's paying it off. We have goals together of saving and budgets together. It's all about "us" and not just him and me separately.
I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I met FI online too!
I met my FI on eharmony too but I'm 26 now and I kind of know what you are going through, I'm way more ambitious and money concerned than my guy but nudging helps. Some people might call me bossy but when he was miserable at his job, I saw it as my chance to sort of pushed him to work on his resume and send it out to his friends (what harm will it do wa my arguement). I knew he should be making more in the kind of work he does, and lo and behold job offer with way more money in like 2 weeks. Slowly but sure I'm getting him to be more responsible with his money. I sort of think we can work though anything and I think before he just didn't have enough information. I was lucky that wasn't in any debt and had an okay savings. ^_^
I agree with some other bees, if you're looking for someone even if it's just for "fun", there are some deeper issues here. I think you guys should talk about it and you should be honest with him about everything.
I hope it works out for you! I think everyone gets cold feet once in a while.
Also I don't think "good enough" is a bad thing because I think as a socity as a whole we have too high of expectations for our spouses which is why the divorce rate is so high, no one is perfect. My FI isn't perfect and no one really is. ^_^
First of all, I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I guess I would first say that the characteristics of the person you end up with aren't always what you might have always imagined, love is crazy like that. Personally, I would take someone who is completely happy, but maybe not have the same amount of education as I do, in their job than someone who is highly educated and staying in a job they hate. I don't want to come across as harsh, but if you had to choose, would you pick the kind, emotionally generous, totally in love with you guy who isn't as educated as you or the one who is brilliant and financially secure who may not have those other characteristics? If it's the later, then maybe you need to think about not going ahead with the wedding.
You didn't mention his age or if you'd discussed why there is no savings, but perhaps there is a reason? I will be the first to admit that I am well educated and compensated but spent quite a few of my single years having fun, seeing the world and not necessarily saving my money. It happens, but that doesn't mean he can't change and start saving (talking from experience here).
Being in the dating pool is not fun, but you could find yourself back there in a few years if you don't address your feelings now.
I honestly don't understand why so many of the repliers on this thread are so strongly against your fiance. Just because he has less to bring to the table, does not mean he's destined to ruin your financial situation for life. Here's my story:
I have never had anything handed to me for free. I was the first in my family to earn a 4-year degree, I paid for it almost entirely myself, and I'm now paying off student loans. Throughout college, I had no life, devoted myself to studies, graduated with honors, got a presigious internship, and am now a full time IT analyst at a company's global headquarters. In my 20's I'm already making a comparable salary to both my parents combined. I worked very very hard to get where I'm at and be financially secure in my future, and I'm not about to throw that away.
My fiance grew up in a metal shack in Mexico, his father was rarley home, and his mother worked odd jobs to pay for the children's school supplies. He came to the US ten years ago and has lived pretty much on the bottom of the social totem pole ever since; working in factories and restaurants, no health insurance, sharing a house with 6 other men to get by... and he considers that better than the life he came from in Mexico. For him, a college education is not even something he dares to aspire to, so he contents himself with his hourly wages. What really amazes me is that he never complains about it.
Everyone imagines their life will someday be a little better than it is now. The American Dream is conceived early and never dies in our hearts. The challenge I face is redefining my Dream. It once was a good-looker for a husband, a house in the suburbs, two brand new cars in the driveway, overseas vacations every summer, and all the other material things by which we define the Good Life. Now my Dream is to sleep easy each night knowing that no matter what lies ahead, I will not be alone because I have found someone who cherishes and values me more than anything else in his life, and whose sincerity I will not doubt when he says "till death do us part."
I'm paying for the vast majority of our wedding too. And my student loans. And the down payment on our house (when the time comes). And our retirement. And roughly 75% of everything that we will ever have to pay for as a couple in the years to come. Becoming a stay-at-home mother will never be an option for me, regardless of whether I want to. It took me a long time and a lot of self reflection to be able to say I'm okay with all that. It also took me a long time to be able to say "our" wedding, "our" house, and "our" retirement, even though I'll be the one paying for most of it.
Besides, I'm a slight control freak, so it makes me rather happy that I'll be in control of the finances and big decisions in our household.
Hopefully that helps your soul searching. Think long and hard about what is most important to you in life, and where you can find it. Remember that everyone gets cold feet. And whatever you decide to do, just dive in and don't look back. You shouldn't be engaged unless you're confident that you want to marry that man.
@ jenbrandner
I don't think they are against her FI, per se, but against her marrying him just because he is "good (enough)" and because "I need to start having kids before the ovaries putter out."
He sounds like a donor to me. He probably deserves more, and she obviously wants something different. Like someone already said, it sounds like she already knows the answer.
Yeah makes sense. But dancingbee has a point that you can't keep searching forever for the perfect man, because we aren't young forever. And if you always find fault with the one you have, then you will never be happy.
That said, it's very important that two people have the same goals and direction if they are to spend their lives together.
I think to some extent we all have an image of the ideal man that we thought we'd marry and obviously, no man is perfect, and some level of compromise is necessary. But it sounds like there are some pretty significant differences in goals/expectations and more importantly, a lack of communication around those differences. Not sure whether you are in Northern or Southern California, but I would really encourage the two of you to attend
We found it to be a great, practical forum to examine some of the expectations we were bringing to the table, learn some new communication tools and ensure our vision of marriage was on the same page.
I'm 34 and a former attorney so I hear you that the pressure of the biological clock is very real for my friends and I but at the same time, spending the rest of your life with someone is a huge huge deal and not one to rush into.
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I am 35 and having second thoughts about my fiance. I met him on eharmony. He is tall, handsome, emotionally generous, kind, and totally in love with me. I love him for his humor, sweet nature, and beautiful treatment of me and our relationship (as if it were a delicate flower). However, he is not as financially secure (no savings, no home), as smart, or as ambitious as I imagined the man I would marry. I am from a highly educated family and he is not. Some background differences there.
Because of differences in finances, it is up to me to pay for the entire wedding (he has no savings unless he drains his 401 k), and it is up to me to put the entire downpayment on any new home (once again he has no savings). This disappoints me to some degree. I can't understand what he has done with his money!! I work a highly stressful job (doctor) and I was hoping that with marriage and future motherhood I could take a break and work part-time, but in California that is a hard thing to do/afford. He expresses no interest in moving up in his career. Just happy where he is at.
I find myself occasionally panicking and browsing match.com, wishing some brilliant, financially solvent, and kind man would whisk me away. And that I may fall in love again. But I am nearly 36 and have already a good (enough) though poor man, and I need to start having kids before the ovaries putter out.
If only I were 26 again. Sigh. I've dated soooo much in the last 8 years and have gone through a lot of frogs....not sure if it is worth risking going back ino the dating pool for a very unknown future.
Any advice from other professional women my age?