Post # 1
I have a married cousin (A) whose husband is VERY confrontational, especially about anything political (he’s very conservative). I have another cousin (B) who is very liberal so she will sometimes post things on FB that are political, which definitely opens up the flood gates of comments (which she should know would happen…It’s FB). B also isn’t always the best with making decisions in a responsible manner and definitely shares too much information about said bad decisions but it’s her life and she is a good person.
I don’t go on FB a lot but one day I did and I saw that B had posted something politically charged on her page and that A’s DH had commented in a very aggressive manner and was using the F-bomb multiple times, one time calling her a “f***ing idiot”. His reaction was over the top and inappropriate because of the aggressive manner in which he posted, swearing and name calling.
Well I received a call from A and since she thinks that I never go on FB (I don’t ever post anything but I snoop LOL) she goes on to tell me how B and her DH got into an argument on FB and that B unfriended A’s DH. But what got me was that she lied to me about the comment made by her DH. SHe said that he expressed his opinion very politely and didn’t swear or name call (he’s done this to me in person and I’ve put him in his place, left their home and told A that if he can’t have a civil conversation that I won’t be able to come to their home).
I didn’t call her on the lie because I DO NOT want to be involved but it got me thinking about their relationship and if his explosions happen toward her on a regular basis? Is this a red flag? Should I do a better job of checking in with her and getting her to talk more about their relationship? (I don’t pry into others relationships and we live about 500 miles away from each other so it’s hard to see them in action.)
Post # 3
Is this a red flag? Should I do a better job of checking in with her and getting her to talk more about their relationship?
if this is how you made it sound and only has to do with political views, i see no need for you to check on her relationship.
Post # 4
@BlueBelle0927: there are so many variables here. Maybe A didn’t see the FB fight and is just going off of word of mouth from her DH. Maybe cussing/name calling isn’t a big deal to her/him and this type of discourse is just business as usual as far as they’re concerned. I wouldn’t read into it too much, FB isn’t the greatest medium of communication, and if his behavior IS an issue in their marriage–that’s not really something you have any control over.
Post # 5
Er, of it comes up again I would probably mention that I saw the swearing and name calling. In some groups of friends you have to call some topics “off limits”. I think if someone can’t keep their opinions civil, don’t discuss it.
Post # 6
I guess I can see where if it was just a political FB rant, it’s not a big deal. However, my argument with him wasn’t about politics. It was about his reaction to my annoucement of wanting to be a teacher in an urban area (so I guess it COULD be made into a political argument). He told me I was stupid for wanting to help “those people” and that I’d be wasting my time. I politely disagreed and he told me that if I wanted to be “f**king stupid and risk my life for “those people” then I should just do it and shut the “f**k up”
I haven’t spent enough time with them to know if he talks to her like that but since he spoke to me in that way for a very silly reason then I think it’s safe to assume the same for my cousin.
Post # 7
Any time someone gets that charged about anything – even politics – I immediately think the person needs some interventions. Reminds me of my dealings with my in-laws – I’ve never seen people more eager to start drama on a web site (one of the reasons they also don’t think I use the site anymore ^_~). What this all amounts to:
1. If you have an opinion, understand that people will disagree with you. That’s okay.
2. If you see an opinion you don’t like, understand that you can disagree without being a jerkface. If you resort to jerkfacedom, you’re, well, a jerkface.
Alas, your husband’s married to a jerk and she chooses to defend her jerk. Some people are simply more expressive when online, but from how you describe things, it sounds like his behavior is a global personality trait and unless he’s ramming the “right” opinion down the throats of everyone around him, he’s pissed off. There’s nothing you can do in that way, and I highly doubt that your cousin is ignorant about her husband’s behavior. Rather, I suspect she’s fully aware and she goes about downplaying his behavior as part of damage control.
You can do nothing but be a shoulder to cry on as things go forward. Anything other than that and you do risk having the shitstorm brought on you.
Post # 8
@CookieCreamCakes: I think you may have hit the nail on the head.
I think I’ll just make sure to call her more often so she knows I’m here. I defintely agree that it’s not a good idea to insert myself in the situation since I’ll probably end up losing her.
Post # 9
Obviously, this guy is a jerk. That being said, not all jerks are abusive, verbally or otherwise and not all jerks are also jerks to their close loved ones (some reserve that for everyone else). If I were you, I’d feel it out next time I talked to her though, just for your own piece of mind. If you find out later, you’ll feel awful for not knowing and saying something, even if it is to just be supportive.
Post # 10
@stephee: That’s very true! He may just be a jerk to everyone else but her. Like I said, I don’t have much contact with them as a couple and I have only hung around HIM at family events and the one time I went to their home and we argued. She’s never told me thatb he’s acted this way towards her.
I’ll definitely keep in touch with her more though.
Post # 11
@stephee: +1 Yep. He’s a jerk, but doesn’t necessarily mean he’s an abusive jerk.
For what it’s worth, if it comes up again, I’d probably gently ask if she actually saw the post in question, because you did (you can even say you went to look it up afterwards in curiousity) and explain that from yoru viewpoint, he was pretty un-civil.
Post # 12
@BlueBelle0927: … um…. who exactly was he referring to as “those people”…..
Post # 13
@Asia: Right! I tried my hardest to ignore his inference with that comment so the argument didn’t escalate even more but I was steaming more and more every time he said that!