Post # 1
I’ve been on such an emotional roller coaster the past few days trying to figure out how to communicate my feelings to my FI about our wedding issues (which are much bigger issues). It got me wondering if it’s better to know what your issues are going into a marriage rather than finding out later. I guess I just feel like a lot of couples go in thinking they really have no issues and then later don’t know how to handle them when they do come up. Maybe that’s why the divorce rate is so high. I keep thinking that at least FI and I know what we need to work and are learning how to deal with it and maybe all of this is a learning experience for a healthier relationship? Any other bees out there find the conflicts before marriage helped them learn how to do conflict resolution with their spouse?
Post # 3
What kind of “issues” and conflicts are we talking here?
I cannot say I would get married if there were concerning issues, and I am not sure knowing of them, not being able to resolve them, and getting married anyway is any better than not knowing them as you have not really talked enough/been vulnerable enough with each other honestly or whatever to find and explore them.
It was VERY important, for me anyway, that my husband and I knew each other authentically before deciding to get married, and that we had and continue to have an open and honest relationship where we have talked/talk about expectations, boundaries, values, fears, hopes…all of that. We did not go into our marriage naively or blind! It is important to me that I have a relationship where we can talk about everything directly and honestly. It is also was and is important to me that we have healthy conflict resolution skills as there are times we do have differing opinions or hit a communication snag that we need to address. It is important to me that we are a team and address them together, and we do.
But I cannot say we had, or have “issues”. Life has thrown some shit our way that we have been there for each other through and supported each other, but we do not have “issues” that are caused by each other or the relationship itself. When we do hit a snag, we just tackle the problem together (not the people!), talk it over, listen and come up with a plan to address it. Whatever it is does not end up being an “issue”.
Post # 4
In my opinion, knowing is definitely a big part of the battle. Having been divorced, this was one of the biggest problems I had with my first marriage. My ex would rather avoid conflict by ignoring any problems rather than trying to work through it and ultimately, it was extremely detrimental to our relationship. But I learned from my mistake, and that was one of the things that struck me most about Fi this time around. We definitely have our fair share of fights (especially in planning a wedding on a very short timeframe with extremely high levels of stress). But more importantly, we are able to communicate with one another–share our feelings when we get angry or disagree, or frustrated. And because that communication and openness is there, we are able to work out our problems in a very healthy way. I think that’s really the key. No marriage can survive without any conflict, but the key is being able to work through that, listen to one another, know where to compromise, and to have your relationship be able to stand up to that. Maybe it’s just the therapist in me talking, but conflict is what ultimately draws you closer together because it forces you to work through things. But you have to know what level of conflict is healthy and what is too much as well as how each of you respond to this.
Post # 5
i think it is! i’m not married yet…there was a point where we might get there but we didn’t (my bf asked me years ago and i avoided the question…that was not good!) and i am very glad because i really think we needed to grow and work on things within ourselves (as well as with each other) before being ready for marriage. our relationship is a lot more solid now and i really appreciate how close we are after all we have been through.