- 6 years ago
- Wedding: October 2010
I need help figuring out if something my Darling Husband has been doing is a big deal or not, and any advice from ladies who have dealt with similar issues would be greatly appreciated.
My Darling Husband was married before me for 3 years, and his 1st wife left him for another man. When I met him, he’d been divorced for 3 years. He told me he had not dated anyone in between her and I. I asked many questions about their marriage, and one question was, Why didn’t you have children? His answer was, It just wasn’t on our radar. They had bought a home together, and he had once said something about buying it himself out right, but then later he told me how she had to help him with the mortgage until he sold the house – months after she left. I asked clarifying questions, specifically in relation to why she would have to help with payments he couldn’t afford if it was only his name on the mortgage since he bought the house out right, and he said I must have mis-heard him because that was un-true. OK.
Six weeks before our wedding, I was having lunch with one of his co-workers, whom I have become very close with and she mentioned something about how hard it was for Heather after her break up with my Darling Husband. Who is Heather, I asked? My friend looked at me for a minute, then said, Oh – no one. When I pressed, she told me the whole story: Heather is another co-worker who my Darling Husband not only dated, but moved into his house (bought with ex-wife) post divorce. With Heather’s 3 children. For the better part of a year. And he had dumped when I started coming around (months before we started dating) and as it turns out, Heather doesn’t care for me very much.
And here I thought I was the first woman he had dated/been with since his divorce. He lied to me! I was so angry!! When I confronted him about it, he said he didn’t lie, but withheld it from me because when we first met, he didn’t want to have to tell me about dating (and living with) a current co-worker who he is still friendly with. He didn’t want to hurt me knowing that the things – furniture (bed!) – had been occupied by not only one, but two, other women. That he had taken her home to meet his family. That he had been a psuedo-stepdad to her kids. He said he wasn’t lying; just withholding information. I was hurt, but we got married six weeks later and I asked him to please tell me when he had conversations with her at work of a personal nature because I just felt weird knowing this girl still had feelings for him, and blamed me for their breakup.
Months later, when planning a baby shower for the above-mentioned friend, I learned from many friends in common that my Darling Husband had been having many conversations with Heather – about me. She was uncomfortable attending the shower because I was hosting, and she went to my Darling Husband for comfort. And he provided it, and did not tell me. When I confronted him, he again said he was withholding information but not lying. I was again hurt.
All of this has been put behind us, and we’re now thinking about starting a family. Yesterday, we were talking about when to start trying and he was going on and on – and on! – about how difficult it is to get pregnant, and how women are only fertile for maybe 2 days a month — this was not basic information that most men just have. So I asked him How do you know this? And he said, My ex-wife and I tried to get pregnant for an entire year, right up until the end. But… I thought it wasn’t on their radar!! Why does he keep doing this?
A lot comes with being a second wife. I know that when he took his vows with me, he had also pledged the same things to another woman. Our first dance – wasn’t his first. Our cake wasn’t the first he cut. Our first house will not be the first he purchases (with a wife). His first promotion at work will not be celebrated with me. But here I have been thinking for the whole time we’ve been together – and saying it to him, too – that what I do get as his second wife is having a baby, and everything that goes with it. And I feel like yesterday, a little bit of that was taken away from me because he told me: I know the disappointment of every month. I know how depressing it is. I know how you have to do it on those two days, even when you’re tired or something else is going on. Well… I don’t. I haven’t done that yet. And I thought that would be ours to experience for the first time together… but it turns out he withheld that he and his ex tried, and I’m hurt by it – again.
So, bees… do I bring it up with him or let him off the hook since I already know what his defense will be? I know this will cause a huge fight. Is it worth it?
My mind is racing. What else is he withholding from me? What will he withhold from me in the future? I’m scared. He already knows my trust in him isn’t what it should be (by the way, I’m only telling you maybe half of what he has withheld from me). Please help me decide what to do…