(Closed) Is it bad etiquette to ask one FSIL to be a bridesmaid instead of all 3 of them?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
10563 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2011

It depends on a few things, like your relationship to them and their ages.  If you think one of them would be upset then I wouldn’t.  I would at least consider including them all in the wedding somehow, if I thought they would be interested.

Post # 4
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@loveknows:

I would think it can be done. What is your relationship with the other two FSILs? Is it friendly or cold?

Post # 5
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

AB Bride has a good point. How about make one a BM and the other two hostesses?

Post # 6
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I did this.  We were having a very small wedding party, only 3 bms (one of my sisters, one of his, and my bff).  I think it helped that one of my sisters was NOT part of the wedding party either.  Also, I really only knew one of his sisters well, because she went to the same college as us (the other two are much younger).  I think they were still hurt, because they are really sensitive, but I decided that I just didn’t want 6 BMs total, which would be the alternative if we had all the sisters.  I did ask them to do readings at the wedding, so they were included in the ceremony. 

Post # 7
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I do think it all depends on your relationship with them.  I will say, I currently have two SILs because of my brother’s weddings.  I would have asked one of them to be in it because I am close to her.  As sad as it sounds, I didn’t because I knew the other one would get upset.  As is, neither of them seem to have an issue being part of the day and not part of the party.

Post # 8
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@AB Bride: This! I am having 2 of FI’s 3 sisters as BMs because I actually am social with those two. The other told other FSIL that she hated me and then she had it out with the whole family and moved away right before FI and I got engaged so I don’t think anyone was really surprised that I didn’t ask her. (She was a very immature 18/19 year old when that all happened.) Things have been patched up between them/us for the most part and in the interest of including family, she’ll be doing a reading for us. But in my case, I think it’s more awkward to leave one out rather than to only have one participate. I could see you getting away with having one as a BM but not the other two. It depends on your relationships; I would probably try to come up with something for them to do, though, even if it’s handing out programs or something. And I am getting her a corsage, too, since truly, she would be the only one in the immediate family who is not included (the rest are all BMs and GMs). You might consider that, too?

Post # 9
Member
4513 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that if there’s any way you can do it, it’d be nice to ask all 3 FSILs to be bridesmaids, if you’re going to ask any of them. Your asking them to be in the wedding doesn’t only honor the relationship you’ve had in the past, but the relationship you hope to have in the future. You’ll be connected to these gals for the rest of your life, so it’s worth just including them all.

I say this as a sister who has been included in all my brothers’ wedding parties. If only my sister had been asked and not me, I’d be hurt. 

Post # 10
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee

Etiqutte says nothing about who you select for your bridesmaids.  I would  consider their feelings and if I suspected that they would be upset I wouldn’t ask just one.  But if they wouldn’t care, then I would go for it.

 

Post # 11
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@stillme: I do understand what you’re saying, but honestly, that’s not enough of a reason in my opinion. It is my experience that someone is always going to feel hurt about something, so you, as the bride, may as well try to make it what you want at least. Adding bridesmaids is expensive and means more hectic coordination, and adding them might mean cutting people she truly is close to presently.

My older FSIL did exactly what you are describing — she asked her aunt to be a bridesmaid. Aunt is quite a bit younger than Uncle, and she is his third wife (but her first marriage), and there was a lot of awkwardness surrounding their own wedding so FSIL treated it as a way to help incorporate Aunt into the family better and try to bring them closer. Yeah, well, 5 years later, their relationship is exactly the same or maybe even more distant now than it was then. When I was picking my bridesmaids, FSIL flat out told me that she regretted having aunt as a BM. I am just trying to offer more perspective on why I chose to do what I did since I mostly talked before about how I am handling it.

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