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The first thing I'd say is to wait as long as you need to wait to be ready. You are young and you do not have to have kids just b/c you're married. Don't let yourself be rushed.
That said, I definitely thinkn you have a different ear, so to speak, for your own children. It can be mortifying when your child throws a tantrum in public, and exhausting when it's at home, but you'll discover that you're a member of a club that understands what you're going through. A kind look from another parent speaks volumes in those moments. Learn as much as you can about effective parenting... How to Behave So Your Toddler Will, Too is a great book. If you are prepared and have some tools to deal with it, you'll be empowered in those difficult stages of parenting.
Another thought I had is that you might have a daughter to bond with the way you mentioned... and you might not. You might have a daughter that hates makeup. She might be another personality all together foreign to you... and you may encounter some of the same emotional triggers that you've had with your mom. We learn every bit as much from our children as we are hoping they learn from us. Motherhood will make you a better person. It will change your life and give everything a new meaning. It's not always the lesson you want or the one that we dreamed of, but in the end, it's a gift.
Along with the bond of having created a life together, parenting is a huge stress that can pull couples apart, too. New dads can feel left-out and not as important. Lack of sleep makes everyone crazy. Talk with each other now and get on the same page as to how you'll handle the various tasks of a newborn. Maybe you've already done this, and I'm off-track?
As for when you know you're ready... I'm probably not the best source for that answer. I'd say it's when you've got everything else pretty much under control, life is a comfortable routine, you've navigated some hefty challenges and come out stronger, and you're prepared to be committed to this child regardless of your worst fears... you're ready when you aren't just dreaming of the perfect child, but longing for your child.
ETA (Please don't take this as me making assumptions about where you are in your own head... this was just the thoughts of a mom three times over and a little bit older than I was the first time around)
@jjmomma: thanks. Me and FI have talked about it all, and we know the stress that comes along with having a baby and raising a child. We both know that there are things that could happen, that we may not have been expecting, that our child may not be what we have invisioned, but what we have and is perfect for us, that sort of thing. Like you mentioned, I might have a daughter that doesn't grow up super girly, and I do take that into consideration and that of course wouldn't change my love for her at all. And, Im going to try my damndest to not be like my mother, and the way she was and still is with me. Of course, my mom taught me that, and I KNOW that I don't want to be comepletely like her (in her negative ways at least) so that's something that I would look at too. I know that parenting isn't easy, and I've already purchased parenting books and books for moms (I'm too sexy for my volvo) I think is one, "a moms guide to staying fabulous". yep, that's it. haha My friends who have had kids (all unplanned) have said that parenting is work, but it came naturally for them and that they wouldnt change it for anything. I guess I'm just not ready yet so I can't necessarily focus on the good things, all I see is the crazyness involved. lol
And I didn't take your post as unkind or anything like that, it did help. :) So dont worry about that. lol!
I don't have kids yet so I'm no help here, but I wonder some of the same sorts of things, too. I have a few (not all!) parent friends who don't seem to have a life outside their children. They can't discuss anything else and seem to have no interest in any of the things they used to. I feel like they're often socially inept and don't realize that the world has continued on in spite of their procreation. Then again, I have lots of friends who have had kids and are still themselves. I wonder if some people just cope and change in different ways.
That being said, I'm sure some of those "focussed" parents are thinking pompous things like, "oh well you just don't know yet because you don't have kids." I have actually had a friend say that life has no meaning until you have children. Um, ok thanks, I'll just go back to my meaningless life now.
Sorry, didn't mean to threadjack....I'm interested to see some of the responses from real life moms!
Ps - in response to your actual post - I have a feeling that kids' behaviour in public may not be the best indicator of those same kids' general behaviour at home. I think sometimes the excitement of stores, the potential of being overtired, and the many other factors out there (including overwhelmed/exhausted parents) might make some kids public personas worse than they usually are at home!
@heyitssamyrae: I'd say that loving them comes naturally but dealing effectively with the craziness does not. If y'all are able to babysit for someone else's kids, especially around the 2-3 yr old ages, it's an eye-opener. They are so cute, but so... bonkers. Dh mentioned when DS was an infant that his crying wasn't as loud and terrible as he thought it would be... hearing someone else's child crying in a restaurant seemed much worse than his own. And the terrible twos really aren't that terrible if you are consistent with managing it and can create communication early on.
Well, I'm about to launch into parenting advice which is not what you asked for. It's exciting and overwhelming to become a parent for the first time! And I hope you do have a daughter that appreciate makeup b/c you have some skills to pass on!!
@Juliepants: You make such a good point about public vs home behavior! So true. And I hate when people say life is meaningless without kids... it changes things, but to say it is meaningless w/o is overly dramatic. (Maybe they are alluding to "life would be meaningless w/o them now that they're here"?)
@Juliepants: I feel the same way, and have had that said to me too! That life is meaningless until you have kids. I also know of a few women who can't talk about anything else BUT their children. Hooray for you, you're child pooped today, not really what I wanted to talk about but okay! haha Honestly, I really hope I don't end up that way. lol! And I'm hoping what you said is true, that kids act out more in public than at home. But then again, I'm going to hopefully teach my children that the should behave when they're out, I don't think I would tolerate that. lol
@jjmomma: Yep, I do want to focus on good communication early on most definitely! My mom said that I never really acted up in public or at home, because she didn't let me. She wasn't super mean, not that I remember, but she must have been doing something right to raise me the way I am. I think we all (who don't have kids but want to) wonder what kind of parents we will be. I think it does take preparation and reading books and what not to at least get the feel for what to do at certain times.
I can not stand children, but more than that I cant relate at all to them. I dont feel like it *could* change and that I could magically want one around all. the. time. So we are not having any... so PHEW! lol
I hate other peoples kids. I HATE THEM! They sniffle and ask too many questions and cry and scream and act up and ugh! I HATE KIDS.
(I have a really sarcastic sense of dry humor, btw.)
I also have a two year old son. I love him. I hate his "friends" It is different when they are yours. WAY different. I get enraged over other peoples kids and just seethe inwardly. Thankfully, DS knows Mommy doesn't put up with that stuff, so he quit tantruming in the store. At home, he goes in the time out corner or his crib until he is a "better boy" Which usually means when I stop pulling my hair out and picking up his toys.
We weren't ready, and we totally put the cart before the horse so to speak.
You DO lose yourself, but only for a while. But when you find yourself again, you are different. You don't like the same things, and doing things for you kid seem more fun than what you used to do for yourself.
I wanted a little girl, but I got my little boy. And I love him, and couldn't imagine how freaking poor I'd be if I had a girl! Too many tu-tus and sparkles and shoes!
Pregnancy does weird things to your body. WEIRD!!! You get so uncomfortable and miserable and CANKLES! That was the worst part. The cankles. ugh.
And Sex? Sex goes away for a while. It's really hard to get your mojo back after either having a c-section, or a vaginal birth cause stuff gets rearranged. (TMI, but being honest)
My relationship with DF isn't better. It's different, but we are closer thanks to DS. His parenting style drives me nuts because if he circled our kid more he'd need propellors and a spotlight.
You will also have an unspoken war over sleep. You will pretend to sleep when the baby wakes up for the fifth time in 2 hours so the hubs will change a diaper, but eventually, you will both just lie there exhausted, faking sleep to see who caves first and gets up to change the diaper/give the bottle/snuggle/reposition, etc.
And "Me time" becomes a whole heck of a lot more important.
I love my little man more than I can imagine! He's so amazing and does so many cute things all the time. That's just my experience as a mom. I always wanted to be a Mommy. and I love being his Mommy, but so much happens that you really can't prep for. A new baby is a blessing, but it's super stressful and WILL strain even the strongest relationship. Overall though, kids are worth it.
@anonymouscabage: Thank God your sense-of-humor is working tonight! That was great. And I agree! I like what you said and how you said so much better than my serious, old lady rant. :)
@FutureMrsMoore: Honestly, the world needs more people like you! You know what I mean? There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids. Hell, sometimes I don't want to claim mine~ ;) But seriously, it's hard to say it right, but I think it needs to be just as okay to not want kids as it is to gush about being a mom.
I dont know, I dont really like kids either. I deal with them well, I have had to as a substitute teacher and people say all the time I would be a great mother but to be honest, after spending 8 hours with kids I cant wait to get home to my nice, quiet, peaceful home. I cant stand kids who misbehave in public and the way people refuse to discipline their kids, I dont like kid-centric activities and all the mothers I see look tired and miserable all the time and have no hobbies or interests outside their kids. Its not what I want for my life. I read anonymous forums all the time where mothers say parenting is so much harder than they thought and while they would die for their family and love them, they would have made a different choice looking back. I think its different for everyone, some people get real pleasure from the company of children but other people dont actually enjoy parenting. Most studies done on the subject show that most parents hate parenting actually, despite loving their kids. It seems like a huge sacrifice and I think that its something that shouldnt be undertaken lightly, I feel personally that if you dont really want kids more than anything you should probably wait. Dont jump into having babies because you feel its what is expected, wait until you really really want them.
I think you should spend some time considering being childfree, most childfree couples are very happy and never regret their choice despite what you hear about dying alone and all that stuff. Lets face it, the world is going to reach 7 billion people on oct. 31, not having kids should be a choice people can be proud of, just like being a mom is. They both have merit. Just see how you feel about it, maybe its not for you, but maybe it is.
@anonymouscabbage - love it!
I always thought I wanted to be a mom and knew that was a part of my future, but the reality of having a child was an eye-opener. Ex-DH and I went through a lot of struggles once we had a child, and it really brought to light the major problems with our relationship. Resentment built over being the one up with the baby all night and up with the baby all day. The lack of sex turned into permanent lack of sex b/c of the changing dynamic of our relationship. If you have good communication, a solid relationship, and a desire to work together as a couple, having kids can certainly make your relationship stronger. But for ours, it just highlighted weaknesses and our divorce was final just before DS's 2nd birthday.
It took a lot of work and focus to reclaim myself after DS was born, and like PP said, I wasn't the same. When all you want to do is sleep or finish some laundry, it's hard to pick up a book, meet with a friend, get some exercise, etc. Finding ways to balance what you currently enjoy in life is key. I sometimes have to remind myself that other people don't want to hear me talk about kid things all the time (even though I swore I would never do that), and I say things I NEVER thought would come out of my mouth: "batteries are not food!", "we don't poop on the floor!", "we don't put spoons back there (in 'da butt)".
And, some days, after a particularly viscious tantrum, or after he'd scream for hours as an infant, I just sit and cry. It gets better the older he gets b/c the tantrums are fewer and farther apart, but it's still hard. My SO often compares it to breaking a horse, and it feels that way sometimes. The rational component leaves and you're dealing with straight-up behavior modification. Trying to figure out how to change their behaviors, picking which ones to change, and staying focused on them during all waking hours is draining. But, thankfully, as they get older, the constant supervision of years 0-3 fades and you start feeling more like an adult who just happens to have juice boxes, toys, goldfish, etc in her purse.
As far as public crazy behavior is concerned, we have less of that b/c I am super diligent about not taking him out in public unless he has napped/slept well and has been fed. Sleep and food are primo. And, if the behavior gets crazy, we leave. Period. None of this waiting around while he screams for 10 minutes or runs up and down the aisles like a crazy person. We just leave. I also make sure that where we go is kid-friendly, so that helps. At home, there's less craziness simply because he isn't putting on a show for other people. And, let's be honest here, it's easier when you only have one. I'm not trying to track down multiple kids and I think that's a real benefit. He doesn't have a sibling to egg on bad behavior (I know my brother and I were guilty of this!), and consequently, he sets an example of generally good behavior when he's in front of other kids.
Anyways, my long-winded rambling expose is really meant to say, it CAN be different when it's your own. You just have to make an effort. It's not easy, it's not always fun, and some times it doesn't feel like it's worth it, but it is. After a nights sleep, everything looks brighter and DS saying something insanely cute will melt my heart for days, or at least until he doesn't something psycho again. Wait until you are really ready for the amount of time/energy it takes during the first 3 years, but then give it a shot.
I like children, but I never wanted to have any of my own. When children act out in public it makes my skin crawl. When I met DH and found out he had a son, I remember feeling that if his child was the type that acted out it may not be the relationship for me. After a few months and falling in love I met the little guy and he melted my heart. He also didn't really ever cry or freak out. He was just a little over 1 years old at the time. By the time he hit 2 or so he started having little tantrums, but I was able to easily reel him in. If he did start to cry or have a tantrum I always removed him from the public situation so that no one else was disturbed by his behaivor. At 4 he may pitch a fit at home but understands that in public it's unacceptable and so he just pouts usually. He's actually the reason why I decided that I did really want to birth a child of my own. So either he's the best child on the planet or because I love him so much I don't really notice the bad stuff anymore.
As you get older your opinions might change and if they don't then just enjoy each other. Babies don't make marriages complete.
Yes, it's different when they're your own. My oldest was unplanned at the young age of 18, but I wouldn't trade him for the world. Like a PP said, it does strange things to both your body and your emotions. I NEVER oohed and aahed over babies before having one of my own, and now I have two kiddos. I love them something fierce.
BUT, I can't stand other people's kids. Especially the little bad ass ones running around and misbehaving in public. It's the parents' faults, really when the children are acting like that, and I want to give them all a good ass-whoopin', lol!
I don't understand the mentality behind not being able to tolerate children and not wanting them in any way, but still feeling compelled to have them. Maybe I'm missing something, I just don't get it at all. Definitely wait awhile until you at least warm up to the idea.
Bottom line though, when you give birth to an amazing little baby you created with the person you love, yes it is different. It's a bond like no other. It makes it much easier to forgive the sometimes horrible behavior and tantrums because you know how truly wonderful they are. But it's also your job to mold them into good people, so discipline is always good in public places!
I also feel more of a sense of camaraderie with other moms now too. When a baby is crying and another mother gives me the frazzled "I'm about to hide under the grocery cart look" I just nod my head like "I'm right there with you!"
I think it's all in the parenting...I never wanted children until I had my own. Funny thing is, the only sound I couldn't stand when I was pregnant was hearing a child scream or cry in the store. Now after having my own I realize, it's not the children who I can't stand but it's the parents!
I have never had a problem with my son screaming, or acting out...I give my son attention and love and he never seems to behave poorly. When he does, rarely, he sits in a time-out and learns right from wrong. I use words that he understands and he truly does listen. I'm sure the game will change when he gets older but it's a matter of learning how to adjust your parenting/discipline to different ages.
It's definitely different. I hate kids and I hate bad parents. But, my nephew, who I raised for the first year and a half of his life is the light of my life. And now that I'm over the shock of being pregnant, I'm pretty excited about my baby, and already pretty protective.
I see a slight problem here with the OP's POV. What if it's a boy? She keeps saying she wants a girl of her own, but the last time I checked there is no way to guarantee that. Wanting a girl so you can dress her up and have bonding time is not a good reason to want to be a parent in my eyes.
For the record I have a 13 yo and one on the way. As someone who has seen all sides, it doesn't get easier as they get older, and they only stay cute little babies for awhile. If you aren't sure about having a child then the solution is real simple in my eyes....Don't have one. Why bring a child into this world if you aren't sure if you even want it in the first place? You can't decide you don;t want them anymore because they are no longer cute and cuddly. I do know someone who said she was never having kids and couldn;t stand them. Her son just turned 4. She adores him and tolerates other children.
@Storm0075: I was just thinking this... what if you have a boy? And then another boy? And even little girls aren't just for dressing up and shopping, they aren't dolls- they're going to have opinions on what to wear quicker than you think.
If you really feel this way about kids, I'm not sure why you want them, to be honest.
Not to be offensive, but I think sometimes the children you see crying in the stores is the fault of the parents! Not always, but sometimes. I think some parents do not know how to discipline their child and would rather be their best friend and win parent of the year rather than tell them NO!
I worked at a summer job at a national park in a gift shop. The gift shop had a bunch of glass and ceramic stuff. The shelves were even glass. As soon as the kids stepped foot in the door...the parents let them go. The kids would be knocking over stuff, screaming, destroying things...and the parents were no where in site. I get it, they are on vacation...need time away from the children. It's understandable, BUT not in a gift shop where practically everything is glass.
One night we were closing in an hour and I'm tryin to clean. There is a mother and grandmother sitting on a bench inside of our giftshop looking at a calendar. For 30 minutes the child was running around in the store. It was so late that they were the only ones in the store, so there was no question that who was making that noise. He was taking this lobster toy that when you pull the string and walk its claws slap together loudly. A real noise maker...he was running around with this. They never said ONE word. I finally had to be the bad guy and ask him to see that toy and then put it up on a shelf so he couldnt reach it.
There are many times where the children would want a toy, the parents would say no, the kids would cry, they would leave the store, and then the parents would run BACK inside and buy the toy they were crying over. Another time there was a family and it was late as night, so I'm sure the parents were exhausted at this point. But the kids were running around and the parents kept telling them one of them that if he doesn't the kid will leave the store and sit in the truck. Well he kept doing it and they kept doing the same threat and it never happened.
I think children are smarter than the parents give them credit for. They know that their parents (certain parents I mean) give empty threats and don't follow through OR that they will just give in if they cry because it's annoying. A girl in my class told me that sometimes her children would behave badly because they KNOW she won't give them a spanking in public...so they act crazy.
I will fully admit that I was a kid-hater. I grew more and more frustrated with each year by how disgusting, loud and obnoxious children seemed to become. I cannot stand screaming unruly children in public and I want to smack their parents for allowing them to act that way. I was always the one in my group of friends who swore I was never having children because they annoyed the hell out of me.
I can honestly say, our daughter isn't even here yet and it is already different. She's already the best thing in my life and I've never even seen her face.
@anonymouscabage: haha love this!
I have actually been a nanny most of my life, so I come from a bit of a different mental stage. I found that by living with the kids, being with them 80+ hours a week, I started to feel a sense of "entitlement" to them, and same as anonymouscabage said, I really didn't like their friends lol.
I am pregnant with my first and more petrified than I've ever been in my LIFE! I was like you, I wanted a girl SUPER bad to be girly with, dress up, go shopping, do photoshoots together, play with sparkles and glitter etc that is SO ME! And go figure, I'm pregnant with a boy! haha
Sooo if you do decide to get pregnant, know it doesn't always go your way :P I honestly did not think I'd be pregnant with a boy! And it's taking some getting used to.
But like katyelle said, when you do create a life together with your best friend/life partner/spouse etc, it feels pretty magical.
Also, I thought I didn't want kids for a REALLY long time after I got married, then about a year after I got married, I got baby fever pretty bad and got pregnant.
I do understand where you're coming from, I hear the children whining and screaming here and there and wonder what on earth I got myself into! haha.
I think take some time being married, and enjoy just you two for awhile, and revisit it later. You definitely have some time, and good luck!
@ashleyyyg: You are absolutely right! Lack of discipline/consistency with children is the NUMBER ONE reason for little brats screaming in stores disrupting our lives. It's not the children's fault. I NEVER did stuff like that as a child because I knew better. With my cousin, my aunt was never consistent and my cousin steamrolled my aunt from day one of her life. She would throw these violent tantrums in public to get her way, knocking things off of shelves, screaming, cursing, etc. In the end, she always got her way.
I used to always dream of becoming a mother. I thought I was sure that it was what I wanted, more than anything. I played with baby dolls until I was 13 and would spend hours dressing them. If I was around a baby, I'd want to take care of it the whole time. I loved babysitting. Then, I got custody of my younger brothers for six months. They were two and three, at the time. Ever since then, I cannot stand MOST children. Don't get me wrong, I think a lot of kids are so adorable, but when they start that whining and crying, I can't deal. My future nephew is the most gorgeous baby in the world. For the most part, he is well-behaved. But, because FMIL doesn't believe in discipline, when he comes here, he starts that whining crap. I just leave the room.
I know that these issues can be dealt with and children don't have to be bad and awful if you parent properly. But, it's not just the kids' behavior that frightens me out of parenting. It is the total and complete loss of life and self that you experience. I love my life and my freedom. I'd rather have money for lunch at my favorite restuarant than have to spend it on diapers. I'd also like to go to my favorite restuarant without having to worry about entertaining and appeasing a child so that they don't breakdown. I don't want to have to revolve my life around nap schedules. I want to be able to continue to make spur of the moment decisions on where I'm going and how long I'm going to be gone. I don't want to have to pack and lug around a massive diaper bag, set up and break down a stroller everywhere, stop in the middle of what I'm doing to haul all of that to the bathroom and change the baby in a public restroom. The list goes on.
Perhaps my mind will change, but if I do decide to have children, I am really leaning towards adoption as my means of obtaining a child. Now that I know all of the ins and outs of childbirth from what experienced mothers have told me, I want no part of it, whatsoever. I don't know how FI feels about it, but I don't know if I'll ever be capable of handling pregnancy and childbirth.
I just want to clarify a few things because I think my post has been taken out of context a little bit.
I didn't mean that just because I'm getting married, I feel the need to have children. My point was, that I just can't stand other children's behavior, so I'm a little nervous having my own, but I DO understand that it's not the children's fault, but the parents. Also, I wasn't meaning AT ALL, that I ONLY want a girl. I would like to have both a girl and a boy if that played out, if not that's fine too! I will be happy with either as long as they are healthy! I want a girl for certain reasons, and I want a boy for certain reasons, so either way I will be happy with whatever I have when I do decide that I'm ready.
FI and I have discussed that as well, the "timeline". There isn't one. He's 5 years older than I am so he feels more ready so to speak to have kids because he doesn't want to be "old" when he has them. lol (but this comes from his parents being super super young when they had him, his mom being 15 and his dad being 19). But I spoke with him and told him that I may not be ready for another 5-8 years, and he said that was fine. He said that although he would like to have them sooner than later, he's still in no rush because he wants to focus on our marriage and just have fun for a good while. I wasn't planning on jumping into having a baby anytime soon AT ALL. lol
So I hope that cleared any lingering thoughts up, because those weren't the points I was trying to make with writing this post.
I also want to add that my reasons for wanting a girl aren't just for "dressing her up like a doll" yada yada. I'm not that kind of person, I could have a girl and her come out a tom-boy, and that's perfectly fine too! I know that all children have their own feelings and opinions and will want to have their own say and I understand that. I'm not going to be one of those parents who makes their child do anything that they don't want to do, like put my daughter in pageants or anything (no offense to those who do, if my daughter wanted to thats fine, but I wont make her, thats what Im meaning). So that's that. I will be happy with whatever I have. :)
I just think ultimately you will most likely feel differently about you not liking children when you have your own (well...hopefully). Especially when you teach them and discipline them the way you like. Not all children will listen, but I think the more consistent you are the less likely you will have one of those annoying children that you run into at stores.
I have worked in retail since I was 16. I HATE children! Like seriously...i can't stand them...but I still want my own haha. I love my future nephews, but even they get on my nerves (the mother does NOT know how to discipline...their priest even stopped mass and told her that her children are monsters and that she needs to discipline them better. They got banned from going to church)
I'm not sure if their crying or screaming is something you can ignore, but I'm sure in time you will learn to tune it out or not respond to it anymore. You will get used to it. I don't think you ever are 100% fully ready. I used to have a timeline where I wanted my first child at 32 and now I think that's too old for me. I say now I want a child at 26 (I'm 23), but then I think 26 is too young. Like I can't imagine being pregnant 2 years from now. That's insane to me. I don't think you are ever really ready. I wanted to wait til I was financial set and stable and now I just don't give a damn. My FI has a good job even if I don't and people raise a child making less. I think sometimes that I'm younger than I am. Like I don't realize sometimes that I'm 23, so the fact that I could get pregnant in 2 years and I'll be 26 when I have it blows me mind completely! I forget most times that I'm as old as I am. Like I think sometimes I'm insane for getting married next year. In my mind I'm still a baby, I'm still so young how can I possibly be getting married. It's just insane. I don't feel 23
Here is the thing...kids are all kids. If you dont like kids on a fundamental level, the way they are loud and hyper and selfish, you may LOVE your kids, but you probably wont really like them a lot of the time. It seems majority of parents I see in public have poorly behaved children, and I feel like so often the parents just look totally checked out and miserable. There cant be that many really bad parents, I think parenting is just really really hard to do well and it takes so much effort and work and its constant. People dont really have any idea how hard it is and they think, oh well my kid will never throw temper tantrums in public because I will raise them right. But they will. Its what kids do. And everyone is going to judge you on your parenting at that moment.
I think its really refreshing to see mothers on here admitting that having kids isnt all rainbows and puppies and unicorn farts or saying that everyone should have kids even if you dont know if you want them. I am not a mother and will never be one for many reasons, but a lot of times I just look at the reality of parenting and think, man, I could never do that right. And if you dont like kids or want to deal with the screaming and whining and tantrums, dont have them. You are not going to have a magical child who never misbehaves in public. You may get to a point where you feel ready, but if you dont, there isnt anything wrong with that.
@Juliepants: I have a feeling that kids' behaviour in public may not be the best indicator of those same kids' general behaviour at home.
Good lord, this. Just today my 3-year-old daughter threw an extremely embarrassing tantrum in public. The resolution involved me having to kick off my shoes, dive into a bouncy castle, and retrieve her, kicking and screaming, while the parents of half a dozen other children stared at me in horror.
And she's never like that at home. A combination of being tired (her nap today was too short), spending all morning with her bully cousin (who takes her toys and tries to hit her when she thinks no one's looking - but that's a whole 'nother story), and being in a new place (we'd never been there before) simply came together to create an incident that probably led everyone there to believe that my child was a complete hellion, when, in reality, she's actually a very loving, sweet, civilized child.
It is nice to know that at least one person out there understands that bad behavior isn't necessarily the norm :)
@heyitssamyrae: I'm just wondering, is it different when its your own child? Can you just simply ignore it, yet pay attention to them, if that makes sense? When they're hyper does it bother you? Can you control them to not throw tantrums every second?
To answer these questions -- for me, at least, generally, if I ignore a behavior, she will stop, because she's not getting any sort of reaction, which is what she wants. When the behavior starts to annoy people nearby, like in a restaurant, then I keep calm and tell her we will have to leave if she keeps it up. She will, usually, stop the behavior, or at least tone it down to where it is only bothering me instead of everyone around us. I have something I call the 'quarter trick.' She LOVES quarters. I have no idea why. But when we go somewhere and and I think she might have trouble behaving, I give her a quarter and tell her it's her 'good girl' quarter, and she can keep hold of it as long as she behaves herself. If she misbehaves, she loses her quarter. This works surprisingly well, and when we're done with our outing, I can usually find a gumball machine or something similar and turn her quarter into a reward for good behavior :)
She doesn't often get hyper, so I can't really answer that. Usually if she's hyper it's my cue to take her to a park or other outdoor area where she can run and let off steam.
As for tantrums, in my experience, children can be very temperamental. You can never be sure what will set a tantrum off. Usually it's a combination of the situation and other factors, such as how the kid is feeling that day, what else they've already done that day, how close they are to naptime, etc. What I do is just leave wherever we are and go to a quiet place where she can get it out of her system. Today, after the bouncy castle debaucle, we went straight back to the car and left. She screamed and yelled and kicked, but we took the long way home and by the time we got back, she was relatively calm again. I ignored her during the entire ride. I just gave her her own space, physically and mentally, to get all that feeling out.
As for your life becoming all about your kids once you have them... I have some friends whose lives do completely revolve around their kids. And then there's me - I still go out a couple nights a month with my childless friends. We still talk and text and facebook. I have my own interests and hobbies that don't have anything to do with my daughter. I get a lot of 'me' time after she goes to bed. That's my chance to get out of 'mom' mode and spend some time being my own person. I think people who get completely engulfed by their role of parent are people who choose to do so and are genuinely happy to do that. If that's not your style, you don't have to let it happen to you. You can be a good parent and still be your own person.
SO wants a kid after we get married - just one. I'll admit, I have the same concerns you do, and I already have one child! Not gonna lie, being a parent is exhausting. I do have days where I wonder, "Why the heck did I do this to myself?!" And I've had a few days where I can't come up with a good answer ;) but honestly, I try to imagine my life without her and I just can't. All the little, everyday-magical moments mean so much, and far outweigh the cons of the occasional meltdown.
I should add that I never wanted children, ever, because of a lot of the things you mentioned in your post. And my daughter was not planned. I had seven months to get used to the idea of being a parent before I was thrust into the role. And the reality was nothing like the idea. It took me a little while longer to get used to and accept the fact that I have to share the rest of my life with another human being. You have to be willing to look at the worst-case scenario - after all the energy and tears and years you put into that child, they still might grow up and turn into a person that you don't even like. (That sounds harsh, but I know way too many parents/kids who honestly can't stand each other.) And I think if you can face that possibility and say, "Well, I want to give it a shot anyway" - then, I think, you'll know that you're ready to have kids.
@jjmomma: I discovered it completely by accident a few months ago. We were in a restaurant, she was getting antsy, and I realized I had brought nothing to entertain her. All she had were the three crayons and the kids menu they had given her. In desperation, I searched my pockets, found a quarter, and gave it to her. She was enthralled, though she did at one point try to eat it, LOL!
@HeyKaraoke: Thanks. I needed that. I just wanted to hear someone's experience and someone to actually GET where I was coming from. I didn't mean for this post to go as far as "Oh, well you don't like kids now, I don't know why you would want to have one", that's just awful. lol But to know that someone like you who has a daughter, can still her her "me" time, and handle tantrums and all of that makes me feel better, honestly. Not that I completely doubted myself before, being able to handle it and all, but sometimes you just have to hear someone else's story before you feel better about something, you know? So thanks. :)
@zippylef: She's already the best thing in my life and I've never even seen her face.
That almost made me cry, Zippy!
I didn't think I ever wanted them. But then I started working with them and saw what a lovely gift they are. I used to think I would not be a good mom, but now I feel confident that I could be. Although I'm scared for the body changes pregnancy would bring, I still want a baby...this is a total change from years ago when I didn't think I would ever want them. Just spending time though my job with them made me see that while kids are going to thave their moments, they are not all bad.
Yes, I do think that when it is your child, it is different. I think you are probably so bombarded with love that you can't imagine why you ever doubted having them in the first place.
I think it is different when it's your own kid. And you have no idea what it's like to be the parent of a screaming child in a store until you are in those shoes yourself.
Before I had my son, I didn't want to become someone who could only talk about my kid. I wanted to keep up my own interests, etc... First, that's next to impossible until they are 6-12 months old. But also for me, the second my son was born, there was nothing in the world more important to me than him and my husband. They are my life. Yes I went back to work (because I had to) and can talk about things other than them, but it's now hard for me to understand moms who feel the need to get away from their kids to "be something besides a mom" for a while. I can't stand to be away from my kid. That doesn't mean I don't get frustrated when he poops on the pants I just got clean after working for a week to get a stain out of, but it still doesn't make it any easier to drop him off at day care. He is my life and I wouldn't want it any other way. Now that I'm on the other side of the fence, I realize that I didn't lose mysef. I found myself. I have a little mini me, who looks like me, whines like me when he's sick, and snuggles into me asleep on the couch. He's already a go-go-go boy, just like his mama.
As for the behavior in public, your kids will be who you raise them to be. There are definitely developmental points where they are more likely to throw a tantrum, but if you are really consistent, model the behavior you want, and follow through every single time, then those times will certainly be minimized. Some kids do need different approaches, and you should familiarize yourself with childhood development to know what's normal for an age, but usually behavior is from being inconsistent or setting a bad example. Only following through some of the time is the biggest reinforcer of negative behavior there is! It's better to never follow through, than to follow through only some of the time, because the child won't meet that initial resistence which encourages them to up the ante to get you to give in.
Haha I am a teacher and for the first maybe 5 years of being a teacher I decided I definitely did NOT want children as I was worried they would turn into the "bad" kids in the class (come on we all know there's always at least 1) - this was a complete turn around for me as I ALWAYS wanted children before this. 4 years on I now am actually looking forward to having kids (one day) as I now believe that parents make the biggest difference in how the kids turned out, most of the time (I say most not ALL) the troubled kids often have confusing lifestyles and the parents don't SEEM to have the time or energy to spend on their kids. If you love your kids and want the best for them I do think they will turn out ok. AND I do think it is ok to not like other people's kids, cos kids, like adults, have personalities and you aren't expected to LOVE every adult you meet so why should children be any different :)
Its hard to say. I've had friends who love their children because they are theirs, but they don't necessarily like them. Sad, but true. Hubs and I are not having kids, and I think that works well for us. Neither of us want to put in the time, effort and money to raise a child(ren), we just want to live out lives for us. It doesn't work for everyone, but I also think that if more people actually thought the process through more thoroughly instead of having kids "because they are supposed to", there would be a lot less kids in foster care or living in bad situations.
I definitely went through a phaze where I hated other peoples kids. It got bad while I was planning my wedding and lasted a few months afterwards because I was just so bitter about having to include all of the children in my festivities. I'm still not 100% over it, but I've definitely changed my attitude about kids. While I do think parents nowadays do NOT do a good enough job of disciplining in general (I could write a book about this), I am a lot more understanding about how hard it is to raise children and the fact that parents just need a break sometimes. And really even the biggest disciplinarian can't control a 2/3 year old's tantrums. It's a phaze every child goes through and it's unavoidable.
And while DH and I are realizing the time is NOW if we're ever going to get preganant, we are both starting to look at families differently. Less judgy, more understanding and compassionate.
@Juliepants: I made a comment the other day about a friend I have on facebook. This girl does nothing but put pictures of her kids doing the most normal things on facebook. Like everyday there is a status or a picture of her kids. I get it you love your kids and lets face it sometimes they do cute things and say insane things lol i have a six year old son who thinks he's 30 so i get it but i swear it appears that this girl lives and breathes her kids only. While i adore my son, i need a life too for my own sanity, that doesnt include play dates or basketball practice or a trip to chuck e. cheese. But everyone is different i guess and maybe to her she is just fine and dandy with how things are for her.
to the OP....I am not a kid fan either. I have my own too so this is coming from a mom lol. I love my son to peices. Do not get me wrong. But I was not planningo n having kids, if i did i wanted it to be much much later in life. and that was an if. I never wanted kids. to be honest, other peoples kids (the hyper ones i guess you can say) still get on my nerves at times. I know that sounds horrible but its just honest. I want to grab the mom and be like "control your demon spawns!!!!". Now granted I was blessed and lucky and my son is a dream child. he has embarrassed me a couple times but because he's mine I just deal. its not nearly as bad as when its someone else's kids. who knows, someone else might be lookin at me like ummm hey there miss tell your kid to shut his trap!!! lol in fact im sure its happened at times but for me with my own kid it doesnt affect me the same way. weird I know but I fully feel like its different with my own. I think the most important thing to know is that you and your FH are on the same page completely with this. As far as having a daughter, I would leave that part out of it when deciding on whether or not you truly want kids. When i got pregnant I just wante a son, more than anything because I knew I couldnt deal with a daughter. I got lucky. But I think to myself what if i didnt get the son i wanted? when planning a child it can go either way so i guess what im saying is really thing hard liek what if you get a son who is a boy to the core and likes trucks and cars and all things male lol? would you be ok with that? or like someone else mentioned, what if you hav a daughter as you wished but she didnt like to dress up or be "girly"? would you be ok with that too? I guess i would just leave the specifics like that out of the decision when you talk about it. Do not feel bad at all for feeling as you do though, sometimes thats how it goes and I would say just do what you feel is right for you and your FH in the end.
ETA: i just read further on and seen that you would be fine no matter what you got :) so disregard that part!
I want kids and I'll sometimes think of what type of mom I'll be, secretly putting myself into other parent's positions wondering what I would do in different circumstances. When the time comes I know I'll be super excited but that being said I do sometimes cringe when I think about little ones dropping food/drink on my cream leather seats in my car, on my expensive clothes/bags and fav peices of furniture. I'm sure i'll get over it but I don't see it being easy haha.
@heyitssamyrae: Sorry but this is one of those times where if you wanted sugar coating then you should have asked for it. I don't think your original post was taken out of context. Perhaps once you added more information it gave a different view point. But I think myself and the others responded based on exactly what you said. And even after you added to it I still stand by what I said. If you aren't sure about having children then don;t do it. I know women who have grandchildren and can't stand children of any kind once they act up for 2 seconds. Some things do not change.
Children are not perfectly behaved little creatures. What will you do if you have a colicky baby that does nothign but scream all the time? What if your child is hyperactive? Or has special needs? These are serious concerns that anyone needs to consider before having children let alone someone who doesn;t like being around children when they are misbehaving. Children misbehave in public and private and yes it is up to the parents in how they handle that child. I personally have always removed my child from the place if we were in public. He learned quickly that throwing a fit got him nowhere. Some parents choose to ignore their child and the behavior continues.
My oldest is now 13 and I can tell you it doesn't get easier, the issues are just different. Are you prepared to deal with drugs and friends who use and alcohol usage? Dealing with a child throwing a tantrum is easy compared to these issues...lol.
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So bees,
I have discussed this with my FI of course, but lately it's been getting worse and I'm worried it might affect my future. I cannot stand kids! :x I really don't want anyone to get offended by that, because it's not all children, but the one's I see in public and everything, drive me insane. They're loud, obnoxious, they scream and cry, they annoy the crap out of me when they bug their parents about their toys or something that distracts them.
I'm just wondering, is it different when its your own child? Can you just simply ignore it, yet pay attention to them, if that makes sense? When they're hyper does it bother you? Can you control them to not throw tantrums every second?
I'm just worried. I know kids aren't for everyone, but I don't want that to be me. =/ Sure, some kids arae cute, but just the way they act, and the whole mom thing, I feel like I might lose who I am. I don't want to do that either. I know you should wait until you're ready, but when do you know that you're ready?
My FI wants kids. When we first got together he never wanted kids, but now that we are getting married, he couldn't imagine NOT having them. Me; I do want them. I would love to have a daughter. I want to be a mom to her that my mom wasn't necessarily to me, I want a little girl that I can dress up and go shopping with, etc. And just the connection between a mother and their child, I do want that, as well as the closeness that comes within a marriage and within a couple when you have a child with your SO, I want that too.
I just want to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way, and that it's just "cold feet" when it comes to kids. Maybe it's because I'm getting married and I know that it could happen within the next couple of years? I just don't want to feel this way forever. If I knew that having children and raising them would be different from hyper kids out in public, then I'd say I might be okay.
Can anyone give me some advice or insight on this?