(Closed) Is It Ending? (long)

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@WhoAmIBee:  All we have in this life, is time, and the people we give that to, must be very lucky indeed, because such a precious and fleeting thing, should be treasured.  Never settle for something that makes you unhappy, never be embarrassed about wanting something better and be bold in your choices, you only get one chance to live this life, however it happens will be right as long as you follow your heart!

Post # 4
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m so sorry you’re going through this; I can imagine it must be very tough. I’m not married yet, so I don’t have much advice to give.

 

With that being said, my instinct tells me to ask you this question- or suggest that you ask yourself- in your heart, do you feel that he genuinely wants to work things out and is just having trouble overcoming his issues to help you guys get there? I know that you must be feeling lonely and rejected by him when he chooses his work over you, but do you truly believe that he wants out of the marriage? Because you can’t save it singlehandedly.

 

Sending positive thoughts your way.

 

Post # 6
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Nona99:  +1,000

 

@WhoAmIBee:  I am so sorry you’re going through this, I cannot imagine 🙁 I will say that from the way it sounds, your husband does not want to make you a priority over his work, and doesn’t want to admit that it’s a huge problem, either. Has he always been like this, with such limitations on your time together? 

OP, it sounds like you’re doing everything you should be doing Already. you’ve let your husband know how you feel, you’ve taken it to counseling, and you’re actively trying to fix it. Your husband is the one who either doesn’t want to put the effort in or seriously doesn’t realize the wedge he is helping to create between the two of you. 

It’s hard to say this not knowing the whole situation, but it sounds like your husband needs a wake up call, even if it’s a harsh one. If it were me, I would temporarily stay with a friend or family member. I would tell him you’re taking some time apart and let him see what it’s really like to not have you around or see you or talk to you. He’ll either realize that something needs to change or he won’t, but you need answers and he needs to see what he’s doing to you by neglecting you. It’s also very immature to threaten something as serious as divorce over text message, that would never fly with me. 

 

Post # 7
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is a difficult situation indeed, and I feel for you and can absolutely relate.  In many ways, I was in a similar situation in the past, though not to this intensity.  At the time, I was engaged to “the perfect partner” on paper, but in the privacy of our home we had little emotional and intimate partnership on any level.   

I can’t tell you what’s the right decision, but when faced with difficult scenarios I often ask myself what I would say to a dear friend who told me this story…..and then I ususally take my own advice.

Your dear friend would likely say to you:  Life is too short to be unhappy and feel unloved.  Life is too short to live by other peoples’ rules and what they might think about you.  Life is too short to not to be fearless in doing hard things that you know are the right things, even if it hurts now but it won’t hurt forever and happiness will come.

Post # 8
Member
3429 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@WhoAmIBee:  Im sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are ready to make a change and end your marriage.  This is so sad.  Between family obligations and work demands No wonder your relationship is suffering. I don’t like that your husband sends you sayonara texts after each fight. Not cool.  If you want to save this marriage you both need to be on board and commit to regular counseling sessions. HUGs to you! 

 

Post # 9
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@SweetWildflower1:  I 100% agree with the suggestion that perhaps the two of you need some time apart. It will be up to him to figure out how he feels working all of the time with no one and nothing to come home to; if it makes him sad, I think he will really reprioritize to repair and enrich your relationship together and start to think about building a family together. If it doesn’t make him sad… then maybe you need to consider that you deserve someone who values quality time the way you do.

Post # 10
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Your husband sounds like a workaholic. It’s extremely unlikely that he will ever change. So you have to decide if you can live with him, exactly as he is, for another 30-50 years. To me, it sounds like the answer is no. If that’s the case, then leave him now. If children are important to your happiness, don’t waste any more time.

Post # 11
Member
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@WhoAmIBee:  I can assure it’s not anything you did wrong, not a shortcoming or flaw, and he’s certainly not a bad person, just terribly misguided.  I understand how much it hurts to end things, but if that’s what happens, a beginning will follow, and while beginnings are scary, I guarantee they are worth it, every time!

Post # 13
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@WhoAmIBee:  I understand not wanting others to find out, but your marriage is in crisis and I think the only thing left to try is something big that he will notice. To me, just staying in the guest room but still being present in the house will not be as effective. He needs to truly feel and experience your absence, and see how it affects his life. again, the choice is yours, but I do hope you’ll consider completely exiting the home, even if it’s only for one week. Hopefully you have one friend or family member that you could stay with and trust enough to share this with. I think your husband either isn’t going to change at all, or won’t change because you continue to always be there for him. He needs to feel what it’s like to lose you and hopefully, truly miss you. don’t give him any warning, just pack your things, leave a note saying that you’d like some time apart to evaluate things, and be gone by the time he gets home. 

Post # 14
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@WhoAmIBee:  I think you could try it and see if it makes any difference. If it doesn’t, I would actually try some time living out of the house before calling it quits. Maybe just moving into the next room won’t be quite the wake-up call he needs.

I don’t know your friends or relationships, but I think keeping it all in is probably just making the situation tougher on you. I think if you were to talk to someone you think you could trust and ask to stay with them, they would be more than willing to help and be very understanding and supportive. They don’t necessarily have to go telling the whole world about it- in fact, you can specifically request that they don’t. I’m just saying it might feel like a big weight off of your shoulders to talk to a friend about this… you can’t feel ashamed over something that you have no control over. It doesn’t reflect poorly on you at all. This stuff is life; your friend could even have had a similar experience in the past to share that she never disclosed. You are not alone in this, and I think you could gain some clarity on the situation with the support of a friend.

Post # 16
Member
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I am so sorry. I sincerely wish you did not have to experience this heartbreak.

 

Continue to go to marraige counseling. All this stuff you just told us? Say it to your counselor. Your husband needs to make you feel valued- not dismiss your feelings as being too ‘needy.’ And he certainly shouldn’t keep throwing the divorce card at you. 

 

Secondly- the two of you ARE each others’ families now. If there are deep problems in your marriage, you need to take time out from helping your extended families and focus on repairing your marriage. The spouse comes first. Once your marriage is healthy, then you can focus on helping other people.

 

Don’t bring a child into this situation. A child doesn’t fix an unhealthy marriage, just like sex doesn’t fix an unhealthy relationship. Take time to focus on your marriage without the pressure of trying to add a baby into the mix.

 

Ultimately, I think you should keep working at it. You don’t want to give up easily- this is your husband. This is your family. If the two of you manage to work through this, the closeness you feel will be so much more rewarding because it’s something the two of you have battled through this *together.* For better or for worse. 

 

I think your husband is being unfair to you, and on your end, there’s only so much you can do. But I think you should keep trying. Eventually you may find a way to communicate to him how much this means to you. I really hope that this moment comes sooner rather than later. This must be so painful for you; I can’t even imagine what it must be like. Major hugs going out to you from my end.

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