Is it ever okay to talk to your spouse about his/her weight?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Is it ever okay to talk to your spouse about his/her weight?
    Yes. It's important to be attracted to your SO. : (34 votes)
    29 %
    Yes, but only if you're concerned about health, NOT their appearance. : (31 votes)
    26 %
    Yes, but you shouldn't mention their appearance, even if that's the main issue, and focus on health. : (30 votes)
    25 %
    No, you shouldn't talk to them about their weight, but can suggest you go for walks, eat better etc. : (11 votes)
    9 %
    No, you should accept your spouse and not try to change them, even if they're less attractive to you : (2 votes)
    2 %
    No, that's completely rude, none of your business, and I'm sure you're not perfect either. : (3 votes)
    3 %
    No. If they want to change, they will on their own. It's not up to you to bring it up. : (8 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    8706 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Yup. Health and sexual attraction, to me, are very important factors in a relationship.<br /><br />If my husband gained a considerable amount of weight, I absolutely would bring it up. I would not do so cruelly, and I would make changes to support him along the way. Working out with him, eating better, whatever needs to be done.<br /><br />The reverse is true as well. If he lost a lot of weight, I would be concerned greatly for his health. Being too thin is just as dangerous as being too fat, and we’d have a discussion about that as well.<br /><br />I would expect the same from him. I want him to be attracted to me. I also want to be and I want him to think I am healthy. I think weight is so taboo, but there are no reasons against talking about a significant other’s weight if you aren’t a douchebag about it.

    Post # 3
    Member
    1613 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I think that if you have a healthy relationship built on mutal respect and honesty, there is plenty of room to have an open dialogue about health and weight, including how each of these affect attractiveness.  They key is to approach the situation with respect, compassion, love and encouragement.

    Honestly, I think if either spouse gains significant weight or has a serious health change and expect that to *not* affect how their partner sees them or their “attractiveness level”, they are naive.  That doesn’t mean that the partner won’t find them attractive or even more so, depending….it just means that attraction is both physical as well as emotional/spiritual, and that as the physical body changes attraction can change over time and to ignore that fact won’t make it not true.

    Part of my attraction to my husband is my physical appearance, is that wrong? Of course not.  If I gain 50 lbs or lose 30 lbs, would he be less attracted to me? Yes.  Would he lose all attraction to me? No, because it’s not ALL about looks but it is to an extent.  I want to feel healthy, feel attractive and be seen as attractive by my spouse and I fully would expect him to discuss weight gain with me if he thought it had become a concern.  Plus, for me a significant gain would absolutely affect my confidence in and out of the bedroom (which I already struggle with) and thus it would negatively affect him so given that he has the right to be honest (but respectful) enough to voice concerns.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1362 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

    countingstars:  I agree.  I have a hard time controllign my eating.  Generally, I eat healthy and am not overweight.  However, I tend to “bored eat” and munch on snacks a lot.  It happens in monthly spurts.  It will cause me to put on ~5 lbs and FI will tell me I need to watch my eating habits and I’ll get back down to my normal weight.  I find that sometimes I don’t notice that I’m being unhealthy until he points it out.  I would not want him to feel that he couldn’t tell me to chill out on the Pizza Xplosion Goldfish before bed, haha.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2725 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    In our case we’re both pretty active people, and we go to the gym together at least 4 times a week…so if he stopped going, I would more be worried about what was going on with him, because that’s really unlike him. If he just stopped caring about his appearance/physical fitness I would worry that was a sign of a deeper issue, like depression.

    That being said, we’ve all gone on vacation and gained five pounds, or eaten too much over the holidays…I don’t think that’s a big deal, and he doesn’t need me to tell him. He knows.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1613 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    cdncinnamongirl:  is there a reason you can only edit once? 

    1. mutual =/= mutal

    2. part of my attraction for =/= to

    Post # 7
    Member
    5228 posts
    Bee Keeper

    countingstars:  There are a lot of bees who will disagree with me, but I believe that when you marry someone, you are giving them a say in what you do to your body. I’m not saying that they should be able to control or dictate what you do, but their opinion matters and should be taken into account. Example: I love tattoos. My husband? Not so much. I’ve refrained from getting anymore out of respect for him. He has never forbid me, and if I had my heart dead set on it, I’d get another one, but his opinion matters.

    I have fluctuated about 40 pounds during my 7 year marriage. At no point did affect the way my husband treated me. He continued to tell me every day I was beautiful, and was just as affecionate with me. Did he love the fact I put on 40 pounds? I’m sure he didn’t, but he loves ME, not a number on a scale. If he had said to me “Honey, I know you have diabetes in your family, so I really wish you’d talk to our doctor about weight loss plan. I can’t stand the thought of you being sick”, I wouldn’t have been hurt by it. In our day in and day out life together, there is no question that he is totally attracted to me. I would also have done what he requested, because I believe he has a say in how I treat my body(I’m down 20 of that 40, but not because of anything he has ever said).

    There is a huge difference in something coming from love and something coming from control/abuse. Some of the threads I’ve seen started by perfectly healthy women getting put down by their spouses make me kind of sick to be honest. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    2455 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I think a grown adult should be able to manage his or her self without someone else chiming in. People tend to KNOW if they’ve gained/lost weight.

    If I saw my FI struggling to lose/gain weight, really putting in the effort without results, then I might suggest seeing a doctor about it or something out of concern that it may be a medical issue.

    But as an adult I don’t need someone to remind me that the oreo I’m about to eat has empty calories, or that I’m on my third beer. I’m not stupid and neither is your spouse.

    Post # 9
    Member
    8706 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    No one is saying your spouse has to police your food. That’s just stupid. However, what the topic is discussing is, “You’ve put on some weight lately. How about we eat better and go for a jog after work a couple nights a week?”<br /><br />Not, “Hey. That oreo isn’t worth anything to your gut.”

    Post # 10
    Member
    1649 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    We talk about each other’s weight candidly, but we don’t care about the attraction part of it. There was a time I was letting myself go due to stress and he reminded me that I would get even more stressed out if I continued that path. So I stopped and I’m happy he told me. I was by no means overweight at the time either, but he knew if I continued I would become overweight. He also has a habit of losing weight so I remind him to eat from time to time. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    2455 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Hyperventilate:  I’m not against something like “Let’s start taking walks after dinner, health is important” yadda yadda yadda…I guess I still had the last thread on my mind.

    But if I gained weight 1) I’d know it and 2) I’d know what I need to do to fix it whether it be cutting back or exercising more.

    I just feel like telling your spouse “You’ve put on weight, why don’t you go jog” is condescending, as if the person had no idea they could just go jog before.

    I get that weight creeps up on ya sometimes and some people feel pointing it out is a favor and that’s ok. I just don’t. The amount of weight makes a big difference too. If it’s a superficial amount I don’t think it’s anyone’s business.

    Post # 13
    Member
    4218 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I feel like nothing is off limits as long as you’re kind and respectful.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1248 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON

    I used to be over 30-40 lbs heavier and my DH and I at the time were just dating. He only ever mentioned it once, he said because I was gaining weight kind of rapidly and he didn’t want me to gain anymore he said my butt was almost as big as my Aunt’s and that upset me very much, my Aunt is overweight. When I look back at pics what he was saying was true but that motivated me to start working out and go on a diet and I lost all the weight and have kept it off ever since. Now that I am thin, he says now he doesn’t care how much I weigh but I know he prefers me this way.

    Post # 14
    Member
    8706 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Not anyone’s business? Considering your health affects the person you’re, I assume, marrying (Or married to), in love with and married with, pretty sure your weight and health is your family’s (Such as husband or wife) business. “Lets go for a jog” but you were already planning to do that? Say it. Relationships don’t have to be such hard work with tender feelings. “I was already planning on it. Wanna go?”<br /><br />But we’ll have to agree to disagree.<br /><br />ETA to clarify: I’m overweight. Not by a lot, but I am. My husband kept pointing out how my cooking was making us fat. He’d poke my tummy fat. He’d suggest we go for walks. It finally clicked in my head that, gee wilikers, we are fat. I think people are too sensitive about it, hence my viewpoint on the issue. It’s fat. Eat less, move more. Simple as that. Because of my husband’s comments, I’m 4 pounds away from a normal BMI and I’ve been working out every day on a 1,200 calorie a day diet. He wouldn’t find me attractive if I was further overweight than I was at my heaviest. I wouldn’t find him attractive if he was overweight. Not to mention the health risks of being overweight. It’s absolutely my business how much he weighs and it’s his business how much I weigh.

    Post # 15
    Member
    810 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: Either Philadelphia City Hall or a small chapel.

    Unless they were becoming seriously over or under-weight…why say anything? This was FH before we were serious and I thought he was completely sexy as is. 

    He lost like 50 lbs between just better eating habits when we started living together (I actually cook.) and then being in jail. 

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