Post # 1
Just a curious question to put out there, who is paying for your wedding?
As soon as we got engaged my very generous mother volunteered to pay for the entire thing.. We immediatly declined though as I did not see it fair if she was contributing and his family are not. We are also considering a very simple destinatation wedding anyway so did not need too many peoples opinions involved.. So my FI and I have decided to save together and pay for it ourselves. Well my FI has become a fairly stressed out over saving money..We both earn decent money but want to buy a house which we also need to save for (therefore keeping the wedding simple but still nice) and the more I think about it, the more it bothers me that my FIs family have not offered a cent.
His parents have the money, they both work and have lived in the same house for 30 or more years… They have helped his sister out so much financially, they pay for their grand daughter to go to private school. I hate that some people think my family already “have enough money” and think they are “rich” so don’t need financial help…It’s not that my mother could not afford to help it’s that I think there needs to be some sort of fairness involved.
Anyway I was just venting and curious to see who is funding your weddings? Also, do you think it would be impolite to ask his parents directly for a contribution?
Post # 4
Yes, i think it would be impolite. *Maybe* you could, once or MAYBE twice make a casual mention (hint) about how since you’re saving for a house you’re having to scale back the wedding a bit or something. But after that, or if they don’t pick up on that at all, then absolutely drop it.
Post # 5
Obviously I think it wouldn’t be proper to just flat out ask for money, but as another poster said, maybe your FI could drop a casual hint. Maybe his parents are just traditional and assume your family will be paying for the majority?
Post # 6
My FI’s parents aren’t dropping a dime, though they can’t really afford it. I don’t think you can ask, but he can if he wants to (and make sure he doesn’t make it seem like you were involved in the asking at all). But, if he wanted to ask them, wouldn’t he?
Post # 7
But it’s your day, not theres … save up.
Post # 9
You could ask them if they are planning to host the rehearsal dinner, as that traditionally has been the responsbility of the groom’s parents. If they are, you will know that you do not have to dedicate any of your savings to the dinner and can use the $$ elsewhere.
Post # 10
It’s rude to ask anyone for money for your wedding.
Post # 11
Unless they’ve said, “Hey, when you get married, we want to contribute!” to your FI, then yes, it’s rude to ask. And I think it’s always impolite for you to ask. If it happens at all, your FI needs to be the one doing it.
Post # 12
My answer will not be the popular one. I say it depends on how your family opporates and what YOUR normal is. In some parts of the country you would be shunned for asking. In other parts it isn’t out of the ordinary!
My parents told us they were contributing before we were even engaged. They are all about fairness and it is the same exact amount my sister recieved. I did not have to ask for a contribution.
FI family said and offered nothing. We were trying to figure out how much to budget and it was getting hard to know what type of gathering we could afford without knowing if they were contributing. I was worried about asking and seeming rude but many friends I talked to said that they brought it up with both sides and just asked…of course this is with a non-entitled tone, being polite and making sure you were not expecting anything.
FI asked both his mom and dad without me present which I think helped. His mom seemed like she knew she’d give us a couple thousand but couldn’t give us an exact amount so we are still waiting to hear back. She didn’t seem surprised he asked. His dad didn’t know if he could do anything and he said he’d get back to us as well. Which is completely fine.
Right now we are budgeting and starting to save for a wedding that includes my parents gifts and saving as if we are getting only a little from his parents. That way if we get more from his side we can go on a rockin honeymoon…and if not, we still can cover the wedding we can afford!
I know most would say this was “rude”, but where I am, it is completely normal. Make sure the conversation is in the right time and place.
Some families are very tight lipped with finances and are of the mindset that once you’re over 18 you are on your own, and don’t you dare ask them for anything. Other families are very open with giving parents that wouldn’t dream of NOT contributing. Some families you could never bring up money, others it is no big deal! And sometimes familes are completely inbetween!
YOU need to decide what is appropriate for YOUR family!
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@lovelornbee: I think it’s *possibly* ok for your fiance to bring it up if he has a very forthright comfortable relationship with his parents. Definitely don’t ask them yourself! But honestly, they know you’re getting married, if they wanted to help contribute they would have brought it up.
To answer your question, my parents are paying for about 60% of the wedding, his family 30%, and us 10%. His parents offered to help and it was extremely generous of them – however I wouldn’t have ever dreamed of asking them myself and would have been unsure about it if my fiance had wanted to.
Post # 14
You can’t ask anyone for money. If they offer, great. If they don’t, great! They are in no way entitled to pay for YOUR wedding. The only people who have to pay are you and your FI. You only take outside assistance if it’s voluntary and unprompted.
My FI’s family has not offered to pay for part of the wedding even though they are well off and my parents are not, yet my parents are helping to pay. That’s their choice, and I don’t resent them at all because of it. My FI and I were planning to pay for a small wedding ourselves, so we were grateful for what we did receive – not bitter for what we didn’t get.
Post # 15
@lovelornbee: As other have said I think every family is different and your fiance should handle his based on what he knows of them.
all that said, in the states “tradition” (while times are changing, i know) is that the brides family pays for the wedding. Not sure what it’s like in AUS, but I think often that leads to grooms’ families not expecting or preparing to pay for a son’s wedding the way they may expect or prepare to pay for a daughter’s. Also, it’s their money and they can spend it how they see fit. They could have had any number of reasons for helping his sister and they are entitled to do so without their son expecting to also recieve the same amount of help. SO — yes, i personally think it would be very rude.
I also don’t think the familys should HAVE to contribute the same amount — My Dad is paying for our entire $60k+ wedding and doesn’t expect a dime form my fiance’s family. He always assumed and planned on paying for my wedding and prepared accordingly. I feel like asking something like this would really make you run the risk of setting a negative tone of putting pressure on your inlaws or expecting things in an equal amount to what your family does or what they do for his sister, etc…
Just as you hate that people may assume yoru family to be of a certain financial position and not “need” the money….It’s not fair to assume another family is in a position to HAVE that money and thus they should allocate it to helping you out.
Post # 16
Depends….what kind of people they are. My grandpa always wants to contribute finantially to girls in his life (mom, me, etc), but he doesn’t drop a dime to his boys (son, grandson etc) unless it was asked for. It’s because he’s old school and thinks men should stand with their own legs. He also thinks it would be rude to offer moeny to grown-up men. He thinks it would hurt their pride and feelings. He’s always willing to contribute though if his son asked for help:) So…try hinting him?