Post # 1
My ex and I have two little girls together. When we first divorced 3 years ago my ex started going through a string of girls and was introducing every one of them to our children. I had a talk with him and explained that it would be beneficial to the girls if they only met serious girlfriends. My brother did this after his wife died and now my niece has severe relationship issues so I’m a little sensitive on that issue. My Fiance was around 8 months plus before he met my kids, so I wasn’t being a hypocrite. Any way for the past few months he has been flaking on getting them, at first the excuses semed legit but now it’s like ‘I have a party so I can’t get them’. We’re not friends on FB so I just looked at his profile and it says he’s been in a relationship since August, living with her since Nov and they are now engaged. There were also statuses about cleaning their apartment and such on weekends he told me he was out of town so he couldn’t get the girls. I’m kind of floored. I’ve been honest with him every step of the way but he hasn’t done the same. He has gotten them since he’s moved in with her but never said a word to me. I feel I have a right to know who is in my child’s life, he met Fiance, and who they will be around. I also would like a good relationship between all of us. It concerns me that since he started dating her his visitation had dropped off and he just doesn’t seem to care any more. I also don’t know what to do with this information, do I say something to him or wait for him to bring it up? Is it wrong of me to ask to meet his fiancée? I don’t want to grill her or anything I just want to meet her and let her see I’m not a monster and really want to be adults with all of us and have open communication.
Post # 3
@ShutterbugCait: Sorry, incorrectly voted! I meant to say no, it’s not inappropriate. If someone is going to be around your children and potentially involved with their care when you are not present, you have every right to meet her. Just keep it cordial 🙂
Post # 4
You have every right to know the woman who is going to be step mom to your children
Post # 5
I think it’s perfectly fine and a nice gesture.
Post # 6
I dont think its innapproprite at all. in fact, its necessary and shows your maturity level. Nothing worse than people resorting to teenage behaivor whith exes when children are involved! It drives me crazy! You sound well adjusted and responsible, and you sound like you are want to go into this open and wanting to communicate. What a good mommy 🙂
sounds like your ex might be a harder person to come around, but I hope he keep his kids in mind. Good luck!
Post # 7
@bndmusicfactory: Thank you, I appreciate that! I understand about the teenage stuff, I just don’t have time for that any more. I was also kind of shocked to discover that she has blocked me and my Fiance on FB, I’ve never even met her or knew she existed so I am just really confused.
Post # 8
@ShutterbugCait: I would INSIST to meet her too!
My brother has a baby momma from a previous relationship and he always insists on meeting the person that baby momma dates seriously BEFORE the kids do just to have a talk and make sure he’s a suitable person to be around his daughter…
Definitely be nice because you’re mature adults but DO MEET HER!
Post # 9
If you didn’t have children, it’d be totally weird — but you have such a valid reason for doing so! And if they truly do get married it’s better to be on good terms for the sake of your 2 girls.
Post # 10
@deetroitwhat: Agreed lol. If there were no kids the past would just be the past and I wouldn’t think twice about him or what he’s doing with his life. It’s only because we have kids together I want to meet her.
Post # 11
Yes because of your kids you have a right to meet her HOWEVER since he is not seeing the kids I would not bring it up. I mean what can you say ” Hey I was FB stalking you and saw your engaged”? If and when he brings up vistation then that would be the approproate time.
Post # 13
I voted No INCORRECTLY. Legally you do not have the RIGHT to meet her, unless it is specified in the divorce decree custody arrangement. Now, the father of your children SHOULD have the common decency to introduce the mother of his children to his fiance. But, does he really have manners and common decency?
You say I just want to meet her and let her see I’m not a monster
Here’s the deal. This is not about you. This has nothing to do with you. Sure, you can SAY…. but I’m the mother of these girls and it’s about them. However, when you and their dad divorced you gave up the right to have 100% say or control over what goes on when they are with their dad.
You say I also would like a good relationship between all of us
You aren’t going to have a RELATIONSHIP with this woman. The six of you aren’t going to have a relationship. You and your girls’ dad are going to communicate ABOUT THE GIRLS only. He’s made it perfectly clear he DOESN’T want to all be adults and have a relationship where you all get along. So, you have an unrealistic expectation. Continuing to believe he is going to be the same kind of parent you are is not going to work out well for you…. or for your girls. because it’s going to add tension and it’s going to confuse your girls. Plus, if you meet her and don’t like her….. what are you going to do then? You can’t say anything. What if he met your Fiance and then said “I don’t like him”. All that would do is just make you mad.
Yes, it doesn’t look good that his desire to see his kids has DROPPED off now that he’s in a relationship. Typically, the OPPOSITE happens…. simply because who WANTS to look like they don’t want their kids. So, I question the type of woman he is with…. if she knows he has kids and is either ok believing that he isn’t doing everything he can to see them….. or is ok being with someone who doesn’t want their kids around.
It’s REALLY hard to let go of control of our kids lives. Believe me, I have been there. Your girls are in a shitty place. But the relationship issues they are going to have when they are older are already going to be difficult because of the relationship between you and their dad, not because of their dad by himself and not because you didn’t meet girls he dated. Don’t add to the mess by making it worse. Your job as a divorced mom is to help YOUR GIRLS cope. Not by controlling what situations they are in….. but by teaching them how to not worry about things they can’t control. By teaching them not to have unrealistic expectations of their dad. And by letting their dad change and become a good father…. should he ever decide to do so. THAT is your job as a mom.
Post # 14
As soon as i read “we have children” i voted no.
Post # 15
@3xaCharm: You aren’t going to have a RELATIONSHIP with this woman. The six of you aren’t going to have a relationship.
I don’t think the OP is implying she wants a relationship where they all go out for brunch. Relationships don’t have to be highly intimate. My mother and stepmother had a good relationship that worked in favor of my siblings and me. They weren’t buddies, but my mom could call my stepmom to pick me up from soccer practice. And, when my sister and I had problems in school or something, both sets of parents could talk to one another in an appropriate manner to make sure they were all on the same page. They were all four helping to shape us as we grew up and my stepmother and stepfather were parents, too, not just my mother and father. It was a very large dynamic.
So, personally, no, I don’t think it’s inappropriate to want to meet this woman and establish a relationship with her.
Post # 16
@3xaCharm: I know I don’t legally get to meet her, that’s why I was asking if it was inappropriate to ask to do so. My ex and I have tried to uphold the same parenting we did as when we were together. As in something he or I were against we don’t throw it out the window and go against the others wishes. Because we have children we have a responsibility to our children to make things work for them. For the record I never bad mouth him in front of the girls or tell them over and over that he won’t be getting them. I am leaving their impressions of their father 100% up to them. I make sure he has them for Holidays, his visitations and never say a word when he says he can’t get them. I believe four adults can have a ‘relationship’ when kids are involved. I’m not saying I want to be bff’s but to be able to ask her about how the kids were if I have to pick them up and she’s home with them or she needs to drop them off and such shouldn’t be a reach. I feel it is my responsibility to keep up an open communication on my end. I can’t control them, nor do I want to. It wouldn’t matter if I didn’t like her, unless she said ‘I hate your kids and am going to beat them’ I wouldn’t care. I keep them out of adult things 100%.