Post # 1
I’ve found a great guy, best I’ve ever met/dated. We really do get along so well, hang out together, watch sports together, mostly do everything that I want. It’s not a bad relationship AT ALL.
There’s just one problem.
I DESPERATELY WANT TO GET MARRIED.
He wants to finish school, graduate this fall with his PhD, get a job, then he says we should ‘have fun and live life’ and he’s stated this as traveling, buying big screen TVs and pool tables (his words not mine), while saving up 30,000 for a wedding.
Who the HECK needs big screen TVs? Pool Table? A FRIGGIN 30000 WEDDING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Not me 🙁
Oh geez. It’s starting to feel like it’s never going to happen. I am ready NOW. We’ve been together 3 years in Sept. We live together. YOU WANT TO WAIT 2+ YEARS? oh geez.
I just needed to vent. Personally, I’ve told my SO this: I don’t need a fancy ring (my mom has a CZ ring that my father gave her, they’ve been married 33 years), and I don’t need a 30000 wedding (my parents, or even HIS parents, didn’t have a wedding, they went to the court house). But, it’s what he wants. UGH. I am just like, where is the simple life? The man who doesn’t need this crap? I seriously just want him to LOVE me enough to do this for me because it will make me happy.
Does anyone else feel like this?
I only ask because I am on here for help..half of the ‘waiting’ posts I read involve women who have 1) picked out rings with their men 2) have firm timelines 3) know that their proposal is coming by way of family/friends….I just get a little frustrated.
Post # 3
It’s not about the TVs or money, he’s not ready for marriage yet. It doesn’t mean the doesn’t love you enough. Deciding to marry should be a mutual decision, not something one partner does because it will make te other happy. Hang in there, your time will come.
Post # 4
@veryberry13: I dated my DH for 11 years before be got married. We were engaged 2 of those years. I understand. Is this the man you want to spend your life with? If so, just relax and it will happen :).
Post # 5
I posted this in another thread. But you have to determine if this is him stalling or this is just a lousy timeline on his end. Try compromising on a better timeline. If he responds negatively and is unwilling to meet you halfway you’ll quickly figure out which category he falls under.
Post # 6
@veryberry13: ok, firstly i should say i am no expert, my OH wont propose, and i think he only makes a attempt at progress when i start to get angry.
but what i can offer is my two pence- you both seem to have very different ideads about how you want the next few years to pan out- have you both sat down and seriusly discussed your plans together? not just marriage plans, but from the sounds of it he has different priorites than you and it hink it is important to agree on a compromise between each other. if he isnt aware of your wants (have you ever really expressed how badly you want marriage/how much you dont care about a huge wedding etc etc?)
timelines are great- and i think if you had the above chat youd probbly quite naturally agree on a timeline from that.
i really hope you guys come to some sort of middle ground because thats exactly what a relatioship should be, the joining of two ideals, and you shuldnt sit quietly back while he plans your lives together according to what he would like and no input from you.
Post # 7
I know exactly how you feel. My last relationship sounds a lot like your current relationship. My previous boyfriend was a very nice man, we had lots of fun together, shared all the same interests, he always treated me well etc etc BUT at the end of the day we wanted very different things out of life. I wanted to settle down, get married and start a family. And he, sadly, did not. Maybe he didn’t want to marry me, or maybe he didn’t want to get married at all (I suspect it was the latter since he is still living the bachelor life). After 2 years, I walked away. I didn’t give him an ultimatum – I just said basically you don’t want to get married so this relationship is going nowhere and I’m done. Now your boyfriend hasn’t actually said I don’t want to get married, but he has basically said marriage is not on the cards in the foreseeable future. I don’t know why that is – only he knows that.
What I have learned from my current relationship is that’s it’s WAY more important to have similar life goals and similar values than it is to have similar interests or have fun together. Also, just because someone might be a good boyfriend and a great guy, doesn’t mean they will be a good husband or will the right person for you to spend your life with. There’s a big difference.
The other thing I learned is that you need to be honest with yourself about your reasons for wanting to get married. Marriage is not going to make you happy or make your relationship better. What is it about marriage that appeals to you? Because he clearly has a life path for the next few years – that’s something that he wants. Where do you see yourself in that picture?
Anyway, I know it’s a tough situation and I hope it gets better.
Post # 8
@veryberry13: According to your other thread, he’s told you why he doesn’t want to marry you. I’d have a very real, serious conversation to see if he EVER will before you waste another 2 years with him.
Post # 9
@veryberry13: Sounds like you need a proper timeline chat with your SO. Have you asked him WHY he wants a £30k wedding, or is he just under the impression this is how much it costs? Can you may explain to him that you can still save for / enjoy a TV, Pool table, travelling WHILST being engaged / married? It’s a shame but men just don’t see time the way we see it. Sorry you are in this situation. If you haven’t already it sounds like you need to spell out exactly what you want.
Post # 10
@carolinabelle: In the other thread didn’t he basically insinuate that he didn’t want to marry her because she is too jealous?
OP, I would talk to him about this before anything else. Don’t make it an argument. Don’t attack him. Just talk it out and see where you two get.
Post # 11
@goodasitgets: He was clearly implying SOMETHING along those lines, too jealous, too clingy, too co-dependant. Now I’m definitely not insinuating that the OP is actually those things, but he seems to think so. And I don’t believe a man who actually, one day wanted to marry his longterm gf would actually say those words in any context.
Post # 12
having read a couple of your other threads, i think he is being rather cruel about the whole thing to be honest!
in previous circumstances he has dangled the marriage/ wedding idea infront of you but made you feel it is YOUR FAULT it hasnt happened.
now he has a list of priorities that apparently are more important than your needs…
Post # 13
@carolinabelle: @goodasitgets: In her last thread I believe he said the words “This is why I don’t want to marry you”. Seems pretty obvious he isn’t going to propose.
OP – He wants to “have fun and live life”. I predict he nevers saves a dime for your $30,000 wedding.