Is it me or my guests ?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

destinationbride514:  to be honest, I think a lot lf people dislike wearing suit jackets and even ties for that matter.  People are always hoping it’s okay to dress down as much as socially acceptable.  My husband hates to wear dress pants, and dress shirts on weekends because he wears them every day for work.  Lol, that being said, he still wears them (and a jacket and tie) when the event calls too.  I’m sure they are just asking To see if you’ll let them get away with something casual.  Is it going to be hot there?  That might be a concern  to them with a jacket and long sleeves.  But, they surely do need to suck it up if that’s what the event requires.

Post # 3
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

destinationbride514:  I totally feel you! Have the same concerns and I think you just need to be super clear when you get those questions. Maybe even ask them to help you ‘spread the word’ and then ask a few trusty friends/family to do the same (even if they didnt ask about dress code). Your wedding sounds so fun and I am sure it will be lovely!!!

Post # 4
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

Just let them know it is formal wear. And that most formal wear includes a jacket and tie (or bowtie). A lot of weddings are going more casual these days, and as a result I feel people are forgetting how to dress formal! Don’t take it personally, especially with the strain you are already under.

Post # 6
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

Oh, geez. That’s just sad lol. It’s definitely your guests, not you. I wouldn’t dream of chastising you for this, because you’re not wrong for being frustrated.

I’m sorry you’re having to explain something as simple as that to adults who live in a metropolitan area, but unfortunately that’s how a lot of adults are nowadays. They don’t know how to dress themselves appropriately for different settings and events. What’s even worse is that some adults do know how to dress, but don’t do it because they “don’t like being told what to wear” and they can “dress themselves”. It’s ridiculous, really. They’re not unlike teenagers and children in that regard. 

I hope your guests are able to figure out the right sort of attire and show up dressed appropriately. Luckily, if a few people show up  under-dressed, it won’t ruin the day; they’ll likely just succeed in making themselves look silly. 

Post # 7
Member
8909 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

destinationbride514:  Well it is the south, so maybe a linen suit is reasonable.  All the southern weddings I’ve been to (including some very expensive fancy ones) had some guys in linen and seersucker suits.  But yeah, I’d just keep repeating “formal reception” over and over and they’ll get the point.  

Deep breaths!  Ultimately these details aren’t worth stressing about, cause I’m sure that’s not how you want to remember your planning days!

Post # 8
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

There’s something about your post, OP, that’s really bothering me.

You said you want this wedding not only for the memories, but “beautiful pictures where everyone looks their best”.

Maybe you didn’t mean it to come across that way, but to me it sounds like you’re very concerned about having a picture-perfect, Pinterest wedding, where your guests are props and fill the role you want. You want everyone to “look their best” so that your pictures are nice.  I really hope that’s not what you’re saying.

Since this is a destination wedding already, maybe people are asking because the definition of “fomal” can mean very different things.  Maybe they think it’s “black tie” and are asking in case they need to rent a tux or buy a long gown.  Maybe they need to go out and buy something nicer than they already have at home.  These people are already spending money on a DW so don’t give them a hard time just because they’re clarifying what they’re “supposed” to wear to make your wedding picture perfect.

Post # 9
Member
6028 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Keep in mind that “formal” in NOLA (or Florida, for that matter) isn’t the same as “formal” in Boston or DC or Chicago etc. it’s HOT. and humid. And gross. And that brings formalwear down a notch. Plus NOLA has the party party reputation. Instead of being pissed that people are asking “ridiculous” questions. Your guests aren’t mind-readers and they’re just doing what anyone does when they’re not totally clear on pretty much anything: they’re asking. 

I wouldn’t expect a late spring wedding in NOLA to have the same dress code as one in Chicago, just like I’d expect a more chic and edgy/glamorous dress code for a wedding at a boutique hotel in LA.

Post # 11
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

You look your best and adhere to a dress code because the hosts have gone to the “trouble to entertain you”?  Um, no.

This is a party you are throwing yourself to celebrate your nuptials and your guests are taking their time and money to celebrate YOU.  You should be honored that your guests are coming to your wedding.

You’re making fun of your guests because they are asking “ridiculous” questions? 

So sorry you have to go to the “trouble” of having a wedding.

 

Post # 12
Member
26 posts
Newbee

destinationbride514:  Yikes. I was with you till your most recent comment. All you can do is give the guests who have questions a few suggestions (tell them what your dad/friends/other fam are wearing) and inform them about the venue and feel you’re going for. The rest is up to them. If you feel disrespected by a guest not dressing fancy enough, it’s time to check yourself. They’re your guests. They should be happy and comfortable and part of that is giving them enough information that they will be neither under or over dressed. 

If Uncle Bernie wears shorts and a polo, I’m hoping you can look back on it with a chuckle not searing rage. 

Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Well, your first mistake was writing the dress code on the invitations.  That’s a no-go unless it’s black tie or white tie.  You next mistake was thinking that “formal” is a dress code.  It’s not.  If I were a guest I’d be confused too.  Because to me “formal” means a tuxedo and gown, but I don’t think that’s what you mean.  

Post # 14
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

Your wedding is soon enough that travel plans for guests have been made, but if I knew that I was there as a prop for your photos I’d be disinclined to spend time/money on a destination wedding.  It’s not entirely the guests.  Sorry. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  .
Post # 15
Member
6028 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

destinationbride514:  wow that last reply was pretty harsh, OP.  As a host(ess) you should be way more concerned about the comfort of your guests than you are about their attire. And while it’s nice that everyome survived in your 90-degrees-and-broken-AC story, it’s quite selfish of the hosts to not relax the dress code for such an incident, and to not urge the guests to remove suit jackets and take off ties! The day is about WAY more that the photos and your guests should mean exactly the same to you, whether they show up in three-peice Armani suits or in dockers. Maybe you need a day off from wedding preparations to relax and de-stress as I can only assume those harsh words were rooted in stress, rather than something much meaner.

Honestly, if someone drops $400 on a plane ticket to come to my wedding, then another several hundred in hotels, meals, taxis, etc, and oh yeah most likely a gift too…. I’m going to be overwhelmed by the fact that I mean that much to them, whether they show up in their pajamas or dressed to the nines. But if anyone dared to give me the stink-eye because I was under-dressed (or wore the wrong color or was over-dressed etc) after all that emotion, effort and expense to attend their wedding, that would pretty much end the friendship. Of course, because I’m grown up, I do try to dress for the occasion, but sometimes I get it wrong. Like everyone does now and then. Harsh out on me over it and we’re through.

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