Is it normal for my mom to have no interest in my wedding?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

So the previous poster is obviously not someone to pay attention to, but your mother sounds a lot like my mother. Sometimes, I think parents have a hard time letting go of their kids, even if it seems like they aren’t super close. Your mom may not cry on your wedding, but I bet it’s because she is doing everything she can to be upbeat about your wedding. Not because she is upset, but because she doesn’t want to steal your spotlight. For instance, I know my mom won’t cry, but that’s because it’s easier for her if she doesn’t cry. My mom is still excited, but she doesn’t want anyone to see her be emotional. I bet your mom is the same way!

Post # 4
Member
27 posts
Newbee

My parents are the same, they were really excited about my cousin`s wedding but zilch about mine, the only thing wedding related my mum spoke to be about was the colour scheme so she could decide about her dress. But my little sister (aka my little spy) tells me that behind my back they talk alot about the wedding, we are one year out and still doing our house so maybe she is not talking to me alot about it since she knows there are so many things on my mind that she does not want to stress me about, i.e. she tells me something that I have not thought of etc and then I am in panic mode

Post # 5
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016 - Chateau

My mother lives really far away (8 hours by plane and 6 hours time difference), so I was hoping my family in law would show some enthusiasm. We have been together 3 years now and have been super close to his parents (theyre like my parents now). I’m marrying their second and youngest son and I know they were super excited and super proactive in planning the first son’s wedding/talking about their wedding, but theres nothing for ours. MIL cried when we got engaged she was so happy and then stopped caring… (There was a snarky comment from FSIL who said that we’re going to have a better wedding and that they are old news – maybe MIL feels that ignoring us makes first daughter in law happy?)

I know they approve of me and all that but still no interest in the wedding. I don’t have much advice here, I just get that it stings and feels hurtful sometimes… I told these things to my FI and it took him a while to believe that I wasn’t just making it up and so now he makes an effort to let me talk weddings at him alot more 🙂 

Post # 5
Member
30 posts
Newbee

I had the same situation when I told my mom I was engaged there was just surprise and nothing else. It’s not till everyone else showed excitement that she finally showed any emotion. I was pretty hurt but slowly she’s been warming up to the idea. Weddings aren’t a big thing in our family everyone just elopes or goes to city hall so my mom was just really overwhelmed. Try involving her in something so she feels a part of it. I put my mom in charge of flower arrangements for the centerpieces so now she’s all excited. 

Post # 6
Member
6279 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

 

June1stBride:  you asked if it was normal for your mother and i feel like you answered your own question when you said “While it is unfortunately normal for her to not express much interest in spending time with me” <br /><br />i would say in general this is not normal mom behavior but it seems like with your mom this is a pattern.  have you talked to her about it?

Post # 7
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

mother has never been to wedding nor does she know what one entails. My mom is like my BFF, So i tell her everything and get her opinion on things. She is very excited about it, and can’t wait for the actual day. But I wouldn’t say she’s all that interested in the details. My FMIL is. (which has it’s drawbacks)

My mom is going to help me with the rehersal dinner BBQ, but that’s about it. It sounds like you and mother have had your issues long before the wedding planning began, and that probably has something to do with her lack interest.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - thefordfarm.com

I completely understand your situation. I have been engaged for 5 month and my mom shows no interest or intentions of helping do or pay for anything. And like you this is normal but I would expect her to at least offer to help others that are helping me or giving me a shower.

  My problem is that my aunt is more so the mother figure in my life so do I want to have her walked down the isle during the ceremony or my mother who has done nothing to contribute to me since the age of 15 or wedding related. Its hard to give up hope on those that are supposed to be their for you but I don’t think she will ever change. 

Post # 9
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee

People react differently when it comes to big life events such as a wedding.  The worst thing you can do is compare your mother’s reaction to other people to how she reacts to you — this will drive you crazy and only hurt you in the end.  The thing is, unless you directly ask your mother what her deal is or learn how to mind-read, you don’t know exactly what your mother is going through on the inside.  Maybe because she feels super emotional about your wedding, she’s unable to open up and allow those difficult feelings to come out whereas with your cousin, she’s not as invested there so it’s easier for her to have a quick cry and be over it.

Additionally, Hollywood and all of the crazy mass marketing the wedding industry pumps into brides, it’s very sad and damaging for brides to have this preconceived notion that other people will be just as excited and emotional over their wedding as they would be.  It is actually quite normal for families/friends to not be as excited or involved in your wedding planning process.  If you know your mother loves you and supports your upcoming marriage, than I would let her lack of emotion just roll off your back and focus on the positives. 

Post # 10
Member
3960 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

June1stBride:   My mom has shown very little interest in the wedding, and has had no interest in the planning.  She went with me for the dress shopping, but spent most of the time chatting with the sales people.  At my first fitting she did mutter how nice the dress looked, which was quite a surprise to me.   

So, yours isn’t the only one.     

Post # 11
Member
2225 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

It’s a very difficult situation but it isn’t your fault.

I myself had a very difficult relationship with my mother growing up and now have a much easier relationship with my daughter.  I hope that I have not repeated my mother’s mistakes and that my own mistakes are much less hurtful and more forgiveable.

With any mother-daughter relationship it is the mother who has the most responsibility for making the relationship work, and by ‘most’ I mean 99.9%.  This is because a baby or child cannot have this sort of responsibility.  It is the parent’s job to give closeness, love, warmth and empathy.  This should be unconditional.  Children do not have to earn love.  They should be loved just for themselves, regardless of gender, intelligence or temperament.

Some mothers are not good at this, either with their young children or their adult children.  I suspect from what you have said that your mother’s behaviour goes back a long time, and possibly your father’s too.  I say this because you say that your parents probably like your fiance more than you. 

In addition, your mother wafts away your worries and tells you they are pointless and stupid.  This is called invalidation.  It occurs when someone mocks or belittles your feelings and tells you they are wrong or stupid or invalid.  This is wrong.  Your worries are your worries.  You are allowed to feel worried or concerned when you need to be. You are allowed to ask for and to receive help.

I think you have a choice.

1. You could confront your mother with your feelings. 

2.  You could ignore her behaviour and then get on with a new and loving relationship with your FI.

3.  You could confront your mother with your feelings and then get on with a new and loving relationship with your FI

If you do confront her I suggest that you have your FI with you as a witness.  I doubt your mother will react well but at least she will have been given an opportunity to repair things.  She might, of course, continue with her behaviour and list lots of things that she thinks that you have done wrong in order to justify her actions. 

You can’t alter other people’s behaviour but you can alter your own.  Do everything you can to increase your confidence.  Enjoy your new husband.  Once you are married you both will need to present a united front to the world and to your parents.  Put your efforts into creating a better home life than you yourself experienced.

My own mother has lots of issues about letting people in.  This means that she treats acquaintances with greater enthusiasm than she treats me or my brother.  Acquaintances are very ‘safe’.  She can put on a veneer of politeness, friendliness and enthusiasm.  I and my brother are much more dangerous.  If she lets us in then there is always the risk that we will ask searching questions about how she has behaved in the past.  If she lets us in then she is going to expose her own vulnerability and this is something that she is frightened of.  Does she love me?  I really don’t know.   Neither does my brother.

What I have learned about being a mother is that I am not my mother.  I love my daughter and put her first every time.  I’m not perfect and I’m sure she gets angry with me sometimes but I hope that she will let me know so that I can apologize and repair any hurt. 

In my twenties and thirties I really tried to get on with my mother and to say all the things that I wanted to say but now that I’m in my fifties I’ve accepted that our relationship is what it is.  I can’t spend any more time regretting what I didn’t have.  All I can do is put my energies into other relationships.  My husband and daughter love me and this is great.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t get a twinge now and again, when I see someone my age with a loving and interested parent, but I have learnt to more than cope.

I really don’t know your situation very well but you have to put your energies into loving a wonderful husband rather than pleasing people who, at some deep level, refuse to be pleased.  And remember that your FI loves you and you are loveable.

Post # 12
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m going though the same thing with my Mom.  I got engaged in October and other than saying she was happy for me, nothing since.  My grandmother is elderly and we found out she has terminal cancer a few months ago. And she is the only one that lives in the same city as Granny.  I’m trying to be understanding given the situation in recent months.  We don’t have a close realtionship.  When I speak with her there is not even been a “It’s less than 2 months you must be excited?”  I don’t expect her to do anything.  I haven’t asked and she didn’t offer, even before my Granny got sick.  I know what she’s like but it still disappointing.  So, no it’s not just you (or me). 

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