Post # 1
Hi Bees, just wanted to get your thoughts on something.
First, some background info. My SO and I have been through a lot of, well, sh!t. Less than a year after we’d been together I was diagnosed with cancer. Then less than a month after I was given the all clear with the cancer I was sexually assualted (in our own home) but one of my SO’s ‘friends’. This then lead to my suffering server PTSD (post-traumatic stress) and this lead to a diagnosis of mild bi-polar. It took a good 18mths for the doctor to find the right medication combo and get me stable after being in such a deep dark place.
My SO and I have talked previously about getting engaged (approx. 12mths ago) about 3mths of finally having some happy time together and he said he just wanted to spend sometime being us and wanted to know that we could be happy together when our lives werent filled with drama. I totally got that. We also talked at the same time about whether with property prices being so low we should buy our first house. He said that to him buying a house with someone was like getting engaged and we would revisit in 9-12mths because he would probably changed how he felt by then.
6mths ago we stumbled across our dream house and bought it. I thought maybe we were getting closer but last week I turned around to him and said “Just one question and then I will drop it… do you think we will be engaged by the end of this year”. His response was “no, probably not” and that his position hadn’t changed since last year. We ended up talking some more and he explained that when things go wrong (a week before I had a mirgrain for 2 weeks solid and ended up in hospital) he still gets a small part of him that doesnt want to deal with it and just wants to pretend its not happening but he is always there because he loves and cares for me. This small thing is the only thing stopping him proposing.
I understand where he is coming from but isn’t this normal? Isn’t there always going to be that tiny voice wishing they didnt have to deal with the bad issues and the important and meaningful thing that they are there regardless? I told him this is what I thought and he told me not to worry and it would happen one day.
Bees… do you think that feeling is completely normal or will that voice disappear one day? This is for my own thoughts and will not be used to pressure him either way
Post # 3
@Mandula: I am just confused why he didn’t think buying a house with you would be a HUGE commitment, to me, it’s bigger than getting engaged! You’re stuck with each other for the length of your mortgage, and you’re both responsible for payments, even if one person stops paying.
Honestly, (and this is if it were me), I wouldn’t be pressuring but I would be asking for a serious timeframe. That you understand life can be shitty, but that’s life, and you need to be able to depend on each other for the hard times. If he’s comfortable putting out so much money for a home with you, getting married is not all that far beyond in the commitment category. Just my 2 cents though.
Post # 4
I agree, I”m a little surprised that someone would say that buying a home was ok but he doesn’t seem all that sure that he’s willing to “put up” with stress that involves you long term. A man that wants to spend his life with you should be willing 150% to go through the good AND the bad with you. He shouldn’t be afraid of committing to a lifetime with you because things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows. They won’t be, EVER, with you or anyone else, or even by himself.I hate to say it but calling buying a house a type of engagment was a bit… pacifying and misleading it seems. At the end eof the day, he’s still not willing to put the ring on your finger.
I wish you all the best and I am so sorry you’ve had a rough couple of years! I hope he comes around and realizes this is life, with or without you, it’s freaking hard. Probably harder without you 🙂
Post # 5
I think your boyfriend has had to deal with the stress of a lifetime in the span of a few years – you as well. The amount of…crap…that you have had to endure is mind boggling. I am so sorry for your pain!
My initial thoughts (take this with a grain of salt as we are complete strangers) are that your boyfriend obviously loves you but that he has had an awful lot to digest and deal with in a pretty short amount of time. I think it’s completely normal for him to want to take a break from stress and drama! Planning a wedding is a big deal. Is it possible that he fears the stress of getting married might trigger another migraine episode or PTSD related breakdown?
I had some mental health issues a couple of years ago, and my SO expressed the fear that my “episodes” were going to be his future, that they were never going to let up or give us a break. It is a lot for a person to handle, and it’s certainly something that nobody would choose to willingly have to deal with every day for the rest of his life.
How stable is your relationship currently? How stable are your health concerns? How stable are your emotions and memories? I’m just worried that you’re thinking that getting married will magically resolve all your problems…
Post # 6
@love108: I agree, buying a house with you was a serious decision and a huge commitment.
I am sorry for all that you been through and he is a great guy for sticking by you, but there is always going to be drama in life. It might subside for a bit, but life is funny that way, it likes to come back and bite you in the ass. When you are in a relationship with someone, married or not, you are deciding to take the good with the bad. When you marry someone, you are marrying them because you love them for who they are, not just when it is convenient for you.
I hope that made sense….
Post # 7
@love108: I think the fact that we just stumbled across our house and it was perfect forced our hand a little. We currently have split loans and each responsible for our own part. Very business like.
He gets really grumpy when I mentioned it (he kept bugging me what i wanted for my birthday 2 months after we bought the house and got really grumpy when I even joked about him getting me an engagement ring) so I actually avoid mentioning it normally. The only reason I bought it up with him was because I thought we were close and I didn’t want to spend the rest of the year sitting on the edge of my seat waiting (and getting disappointed) if it wasn’t going to happen.
Post # 8
I don’t want to take anything away from my SO. He’s a wonderful guy and I think he’s amazing that through everything he’s stood beside me. I tell people that he’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten.
@yellowismyfavoritecolor: Not at all. I want to marry him because I love him and want to formally commit the rest of my life to him. Thus the reason why Im happy to wait until he’s ready and don’t want to pressure him in anyway.
Post # 9
Sorry to hear that you have been through such a rough few years. It sounds like hes been great through it all and I know what you mean with all the drama and him just wanting to have time without it. But, as someone said, life is full of ups and downs and it isn’t the good times that cement you together as a couple, its the bad times.
I would remind him of that, and that you love him and want to spend your life with him.
Post # 10
I agree that life has ups and downs. What I was trying to get at is when you’ve been having more downs than ups (and it started pretty much at the beginning of the relationship it seems) the poor guy probably just wants a breather before taking it to the next level, with the added stress and drama and everyting else that goes along with planning and having a wedding.
I disagree with the PP saying that the bad times are what cement a couple. I believe it’s the bad times that tear a couple apart. When have you ever heard a couple come back from a fabulous vacation saying they had such a great time with each other that they have to break up now? People break up because of hard and bad times. Stress.
The fact that he wanted to buy a house with you is a good sign. I say lay off the marriage talk for another drama-free 6 months and then bring it up again.
Post # 11
This sounds a little like a friend of mine and her guy. She wanted to get engaged but he said no. They bought a house instead and though she wanted to get married she was happy sharing a home for now. After they lived there for 2 years they planned a nice trip and he completely surprised her with a ring. He kept saying no to getting engaged and told her he didn’t want to get married but all along he had a ring… he wanted to test the most extreme waters first and said he didn’t want to get married to surprise her. Ya never know what’s really going on in their minds. just hang in there! I wish you the best.