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I think a good bit of it is because you're very frustrated with waiting. It's very easy to feel down, resentful, or just plain apathetic when you're waiting, and through these points of views, it's even easier to think the relationship is no good.
I know you said you tried Mr. Bee's Plan, but keep trying! Find things you love to do. Try to stop thinking about the engagement altogether. I know it's hard, but let me just say that I've been trying the same thing, and I found that when I don't think about it, I don't worry about it.
Let HIM worry about it.
If it doesn't happen in July, and that's your deadline, then you know what you need to do. But until then...don't freak out!
And remember that relationships aren't at emotional extremes all the time: there will be happy days, sad days...and sometimes there are a lot of blah days. It's up to you to change things up to keep the relationship going! And I'm sure he'd appreciate the change of pace.
Good luck girl!
There was a post a couple days or more about this very topic and I can't seem to find it!
It is totally normal to go back and forth and in between just like Torrid said. I've gone through phases where I've thought "if we somehow broke up right now, I'd probably be totally fine with it and not really care." They're always short phases, but they happen. Also, a guru psych professor I had in undergrad once said that her healthiest relationships were the ones in which she could leave at anytime and be totally okay. That really struck a cord with me and she says that's how she feels with her husband and when she told us this she was married for 10 years I think. That doesn't mean she's unhappy or doesn't love him, it just means she loves herself first and foremost and if their relationship threatens her love for herself and her health/happiness/wellbeing then she's out of there.
It's been a while since my SO and I were in a phase like that but I know it was usually after big bad marriage discussions when I started to feel like it would never ever happen and that I may have to leave. I like to remember that my feelings are a choice, because sometimes we forget that. You can change how you feel by picking different thoughts. Right now you're thinking about potentially leaving in July so how could you possibly be super jazzed about the relationship when you're mentally preparing yourself for the possibility of leaving? I'm not saying don't have that deadline, I'm just saying don't think about it. Remember all the great things about your SO and how much you love each other.
Torrid:& LaurenK0105: Your replies helped me SO MUCH! It's good to know that my feelings aren't indicative of a doomed relationship. And it's true that I'm mentally preparing myself to leave in July--so obviously that doesn't leave much room to enjoy the relationship. I know I need to try much harder to just take my mind off of the relationship and focus on something else. There are days where I'm able to do that and I feel so great then. I have to keep picking myself up even on the days where I've concluded that the relationship has run its course.
And LaurenK0105:, I really like that bit about feeling perfectly ok when thinking about walking away. I have that feeling sometimes too. There was a time years ago where I felt TERRIFIED thinking about being without him. I still don't want to think about it. But at the end of the day I do love myself enough to do the right thing for me when the time comes. Hopefully we won't get to that point.
Honestly it just sounds like your frustrated and tired of waiting. Which is totally normal. The more you feel like that the more sometimes its hard to be engaged in the actual relationship. Sometimes those feelings just take over. Try and snap out of it... I know I know easier said than done. BUT no matter if you get engaged today or 2 years from now is he still the person you want to be with? IF your answer is yes then you just need to relax and be comfortable in your relationship. Just be together and love eachother. Thats the best part. The rest will come I promise. Also if you guys have a deadline or whatever why are you stressing now.. How you act affects him. And think about it like this... If the tables were turned and you knew you had to propose by July but he was acting like this all the time.. It would kinda take all the excitement out of doing it. Just my opinion. Good luck, dont be so down it will happen :)
@organizedbride11: Thank you for those words!! And yes, he is the only man I want. I know for a fact that if we were engaged now I would be over the moon--which says so much since I have NEVER been the kind of girl to get excited about engagements and weddings! I never really thought about how much it might be affecting him too. I do my best to keep things to myself but he can see all over my face that something is wrong. Since I can't put on a fake smile I really need to work on this issue and just get it out of my system. I NEED TO SNAP OUT OF IT!
@organizedbride11: Thank you for those words!! And yes, he is the only man I want. I know for a fact that if we were engaged now I would be over the moon--which says so much since I have NEVER been the kind of girl to get excited about engagements and weddings! I never really thought about how much it might be affecting him too. I do my best to keep things to myself but he can see all over my face that something is wrong. Since I can't put on a fake smile I really need to work on this issue and just get it out of my system. I NEED TO SNAP OUT OF IT!
I'd imagine that this is a byproduct of putting such a hard deadline on things, to be honest. I think we've all been there in our relationships at least a little... everything ebbs and flows, and sometimes those ebbs can feel really nasty. I think you need to remind yourself that this is the man you want, and that you put a July deadline on things... so you've gotta try to wait it out. I'm not at all trying to put you in your place or anything, but you choise to take this route, and now you need to deal with the consequences of putting such a hard deadline with such a definitive end should things not work out the way you want.
I feel for you!!
@KristenGotMarried: I understand what you're saying. To be honest, I NEVER wanted it to come to this point. In a perfect world, I would just let things flow and get to marriage naturally--which is what I did for the past 4.5 years. Now we are nearing 6 years of being together, and I'm almost 31--so I don't have all the time in the world anymore. And the reality is that 2 years ago he told me we would be married by December 2011--so in fact July is a very reasonable time to expect an engagement. Sorry, I know you're not trying to criticize me and the fact that there's now a "deadline" in place--I just felt the need to clarify why it has come to this point. I've been the ever so patient and committed gf for 5.5 years now. He's gotta meet me halfway at some point!
I'm just going to do my best to keep busy until July. Knowing that I will have an answer (either good or bad) by then helps A LOT!
@Shirinjoon: First-- you are only 31. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you have plenty of time. Take it from someone who was 40 when I got married for the first time. Second-- take it one day at a time. I think you should try to find 5 things to be grateful about every day--even keep a jounal about them. Amazing how your perspective changes when you *have* to find good things in your life. And to help your frustration about the relationship situation not poison things between you two, of those 5 things, 2 things should be about the relationship/him. Focus on the good and he will feel that from you.
YES!
We are going through this right now, actually. I moved away and went to law school 8 months ago. Mr. LR is in the same place, as of right now. I had a lot of pressure on me with school and a new place. It didn't help that Mr. LR did not adjust to the LDR very well. Actually (TMI- sorry), he thought he was losing me because I was so tired I didn't want to have sex all the time. I thought he was being an asshole because he kept pressuring me about it, and if we didn't, he'd get pissed. Come to find out (we talked about this last night), we just have two very different views on LDR. He is a binger. AKA, he wants to put an entire month's worth of intimacy and a relationship into one (possibly two) weekends. First of all, this is IMPOSSIBLE. I'm the one that's all about us just picking up where we left off, like we were never apart (you know, like when you see your best friend after being apart for months/years at a time-- you just pick up right where you left off).
Needless to say, he was putting so much pressure on me about everything that I just started to close myself off and shut down. I'm the type of person that if you're pressuring me so badly that I have to fear his reaction when/if I say no (keep in mind, I NEVER said no until I went to law school), then I'm going to become distant. Unfortunately, it was a vicious cycle, and it's become a LOT better this semester. In fact, it's only been an issue once.
I hurt his feelings last night though when I told him everything I felt after I realized he is a binger. He feels like he is no better than a rapist because of all the pressure he put on me. Of course, I don't feel this way, but I am glad he feels bad and realizes how his actions effected me.
END TANGENT
Sorry, went on a tangent. My point is, yes, you can feel blah! While Mr. LR does not think it's normal for us to feel blah in our relationship, I think it's ok when you're stressed. I feel blah when I don't see him all the time, so right before we see each other, I'm usually really blah.
This probably didn't help you, but your post definitely made me feel better! :)
Your feelings are legitimate. Please don't try to get rid of them. Do try to take your mind off things if you are feeling so hot and bothered about well.... how you are feeling. But your feelings are legitimate. You are in a very difficult part of your relationship and there is no other way for you to feel about it but that which you are currently feeling.
Just try not to act upon it and don't make any sudden moves. Just stick to your deadline though. Don't think in terms of "what if I had waited just a bit longer...?" That will only make things worse for you in the long run, not better. You would let yourself down knowing that you didn't stand up to your own word. And secondly you will feel more antsy with your wait if you end up waiting even after a mental deadline to yourself. Because now you are just trying to stretch this too far.
I hope I have made some kind of sense.
@mmsva: Your comments really calmed me down, especially the part about taking it one day at a time and thinking of all the good things. I'm an obsessive person so when I focus on something that is ALL I think about! Two years ago I was BARELY thinking about these things--maybe in passing, but not at all to the extent that it's on my mind now. I think since turning 30 my focus has shifted and I'm freaking out so much more about the future. I just need to take a step back for now.
@Sasha2011: I appreciate you telling me that my feelings are legitimate--and I certainly won't try to cover them up or ignore them. For now I wont focus on what will happen in July--but I know for a fact that I will stand by what I said to him a few weeks ago: if he doesn't do anything, then I will have my answer regarding our future.
I keep feeling the same way between not caring or just being so annoyed with not getting engaged and other days being perfectly fine. I talked to bf about it not too long ago and got a timeline and have felt better since that happened.
@shirinjoon -- hi there! I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I remember some of your (recent) past posts and I also remember that many of the bees urged you to stick by your July deadline.
Seeing this post and one from a month ago in which you say your BF no longer wants to have sex (with you) and hasn't for a very long time (since antidepressants), I can only say with all that's going on it's no wonder you're very disappointed and feeling "blah".
I also remember that he was very eager to marry you, had even proposed or something, a few years back until his parents raised a very strong objection. Sweet as you sound, I'm going to say this: NONE of what you describe here or have been describing sounds very good.
There are plenty of ways to jumpstart one's sex drive, such as - and lots of bees have suggested this - changing meds. Plus, I don't particularly 'buy' that he now wants to wait until you're married to have sex. Does that position/principle come upon one suddenly after having sex with the person on a regular basis previously in the relationship? And for him to say he wants to wait until you're married - heck, he hasn't even committed to that, so it's a bit of BS if you ask me!
I think a lot of things have 'deadened' his drive -- both for sex and for a passionate relationship (yes, with you), owing to his parents' earlier reaction and so forth. His issues do not have to drain the life out of you. Heck, you're not even married yet, with kids and so forth and all the responsibilities that brings. I would seriously consider being proactive and getting on with your life and, dare I say this, out of his. Life is short; very short indeed. Even for a 31 year-old.
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As most of you ladies know, I've been having a really hard time lately with all that's been going on in my relationship and the whole waiting period. I love my SO with all my heart but lately I just feel so annoyed and sometimes I dont even want to talk to him. I noticed this feeling taking over me more and more recently. I really wonder how much of this has to do with the actual realtionship (has it run its course?) versus me being so frustrated over waiting and feeling a loss of control. My SO always treats me wonderfully and is very caring--so nothing has changed in terms of how he is with me. It's just that I feel the relationship is STUCK...and it makes me feel so bad that I can't do anything about it since I'm just going to wait until July to see if this relationship will move forward. If not, then I just have to move on unfortunately since I simply can't put myself through anymore waiting.
Is it normal for me to feel this way or is this a sign that something's wrong? Do you ladies ever feel this way in your relationship? And how do you handle it?
And trust me, I've tried to do Mr. Bee's plan as well as everything else possible to get myself out of this funky state. Nothing seems to work.