Post # 1
Hi bees, I really really need some help.
I recently started spending some time with my ex, because I had heard through the grapevine that he was struggling with drug addiction, and was concerned since I sincerely care about him as a person. He wasted no time in making it clear that he still loved me, and wants me back in his life. I have been with my fiancee for six years, and I am deeply in love with him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, 110%. However, I am realizing that I still have feelings for my ex!
The last time I was hanging out with my ex, he tried to kiss me, and although I pushed him away and told him that it couldn’t happen, it was very very difficult for me to do. I spoke to my fiancee honestly about how I feel, and I think that I really hurt him.
Is it normal to have feelings for someone you were with 6 years ago, when you are happy in the relationship you currently have? How do you feel about your ex? I just really want to do what’s best for myself and my fiancee, and I want to make the choice that is healthiest for my current relationship. I’m just scared of what these feelings mean and I want to address them and make them go away before I get married. I would never cheat on my fiancee, but is it emotional cheating to have feelings, emotional and sexual, towards another man? Please help me, I feel horrible about myself.
Post # 3
I would personally not be okay with my BF having such feelings for an ex, because I consider it to be emotional unfaithfulness.
Also, I don’t think it’s normal to have strong feelings for someone you broke up with six years ago either.
The question you need to ask is; how would you feel if your FI told you that he had such feelings for another woman?
Post # 4
What I can tell you is that I still THINK about my ex, but can’t say I have feelings for him. This could be because he cheated on me after being together for 5 years, and he also lives in another city so I never talk to him or see him. Who’s to say something wouldn’t spark up if I saw him again (although I’m pretty certain it wouldn’t, you just never know what your heart’s going to do.)
I don’t think it’s right that you still have feelings for him, but at the same time, you can’t help who you have feelings for. But if you think you’re going to act on them, I would either distance yourself from your ex – cut off all communications, OR break it off with your FI. It’s not fair to your FI, and I’m sure he was really hurt. You’ve been with him for so long, and he’s probably confused as to why you’re still seeing your ex. I’m glad you told him though, at least you’re not hiding it.
I don’t really have any other advice, except follow your heart, but your ex is an ex for a reason.
Post # 5
In my opinion, an ex is an ex for a reason. There are reasons the two of you didn’t work out and it didn’t last. Unfortunately those reasons don’t usually change or go away although at first it may seem like they have.
There is always an excitement when someone new or familiar takes an interest in you again and let’s face it, it feels good to be wanted by someone. But you have to remember what drove you apart from him in the first place. And you have to remember what you have now.
I think it’s normal to have some kind of feelings or fondness for your ex, afterall you were together and shared good memories for some of your relationship. But I don’t think it’s normal to the extent that you are describing. I think you are letting yourself get caught up in the past (just going on what you have posted). Good Luck.
Post # 6
I don’t think its normal to have strong feelings for an ex like that. Its ok to hope for their well being but him and his drug addiction should not be your concern over your fiance. Its not right to spend time with your ex if you both have feelings for each other. You resisted him trying to kiss you this time but you might not be able to next time. I would take yourself out of that situation and eliminate the possibility of doing something you would regret.
If you are sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with your fiance then cut ties with this ex. But if you are sure about your finance, then it seems that your ex shouldn’t be on your mind like this.
Im sorry your are feeling this way and are confused. Hope you figure everything out for the best! Good luck!
Post # 7
I can appreciate that you want to help your ex, but you need to set firm guidelines with him. If he wants your help to stay clean, he needs to know that the two of you can only be FRIENDS – that he cannot tell you he loves you, and especially cannot try to kiss you. You need to set boundaries, and stick to them.
Having been cheated on in the past, for me personally, the emotional part was 10000000x worse than the physical part. To know that the person I loved had fallen in love with someone else, and loved them more than they loved me was much more of a blow than if he had just had a physical fling and been sorry about it. I know not everyone feels the same way, and I understand from your post that you love your FH, but you also said you found it hard to resist your ex’s advances. If you can’t draw those boundaries with your ex and stick with them, and honestly feel that it is very difficult not to kiss your ex back, and find yourself developing feelings for him again, then I think you really need to reevaluate your relationship with your FH, and remove yourself from BOTH situations until you can figure out what you truly want.
I sometimes think about my ex, but I do not have romantic feelings for him. If I found that he truly needed my help, I would help him – but I would make it clear to him what the boundaries are, and that a condition of getting my help is that he cannot cross those boundaries. If he cannot respect your relationship, then he is not really respecting you, which I would be very suspect of. Good luck.
Post # 8
I’m w/ what BellsforHer said. I would be extremely hurt/upset if I found out my DH had feelings for an ex from 6 years ago, so I can see why your comments hurt your FI. Turn the situation around on you. What if it was your FI that was hanging out with an ex and then told you how he felt? It would probably be pretty tough. DH and I made the agreement that we would always be eachother’s #1 priorities. The day that someone else or their problems starting creating havoc and pushing us apart would be the day we would have to re-evaluate the relationship with the person causing problems. It sounds like you need to do this with your ex. Is helping him through a hard time worth the risk of losing your relationship with your future husband? If it’s not, maybe it’s time to cut ties and face the fact that he should find help elsewhere, maybe even counseling.
Post # 9
I’m sorry you didn’t consult the hive before telling your FI how you feel. I think the general consesus would have been that there is no reason to hurt him. (I know this, becasue I asked a similar question a few months ago).
That said, your drug addicted ex dosen’t love you. Addicts will say that because they are distrubed, sad, lonely and alone and feel like worm food.
He is using you for sympathy, empathy and whatever else he can get out of you.
I know this, too, because my ex was addicted to alcohol. Please forget him and go live happily ever after.
Post # 10
I have very complicated feelings toward one of my exes. I’m not sure if I ever really loved him, but we had a very dysfunctional and emotionally charged relationship…I still struggle with some of the things that happened, and the way we treated each other…so I still think about him more than I’d like. I don’t know if that is normal or not, either.
BUT, if this ex ever called me to hang out I would say no. I agree that you have to either cut off all contact with this ex… ALL contact… b/c it is disrespectful and hurtful to your FI… I mean this man tried to kiss you…. or else break up with your FI.
Post # 11
Thank you so so much for the advice guys. This has been so difficult for me. I plan to see him soon and I think that I will have to tell him that we can no longer speak with each other. Honestly, he is planning on moving across the country fairly soon, and I think he just needs to not call me when he is back in the area. Hopefully the move, if it happens, will solve this problem. The hard part about not being able to speak with him is that I am worried about his welfare, and that his parents and my parents are not only good friends, but neighbors. Sooner or later we are bound to bump into each other.
@Bee-loved: I considered not telling my fiance about this situation, but I am an almost unreasonably honest person, and I would have just exploded if I hadn’t told the man that I love that another man kissed me! I hope that my good intentions of having an honest relationship didn’t damage my fiance permanently. I really care for him deeply.
Post # 12
Good I think you’re making the right choice distancing yourself from your ex. That situation could of only end badly. And you may have been doing more harm to your relationship than help to your ex.
Good Luck and make sure you go out of your way to show your FI he’s the one you choose and love, I could imagine how hurt he must have been hearing whats going on.
Post # 14
I don’t think feelings for someone you loved ever really 100% go away. My ex and I ended on really bad terms (I cheated) and I don’t know how my feelings for him will ever fully go away, or the whole feeling of “what could have been”, even though I love my SO with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life, my first love will always be my first love.