Is it odd for groomsmen to not even give a card?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
6510 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Meh I don’t think it’s that strange. One of my BMs didn’t get us a card and I barely gave it a second thought.

Post # 4
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

A lot of BMs/GMs, especially those who haven’t been to a lot of weddings or planned their own, don’t realize that they are still expect to get a gift, etc.

Post # 5
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@HoneysHoney:  Sounds like typical guy behaviour, in that it might not even have occured to them. Did they express support in other ways, i.e. be supportive to the groom and congratulate him on the day?

Post # 7
Member
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I can definitely understand the feeling of awkwardness, especially as it seems from your previous update that he has a partner. Perhaps they’ve not been to a lot of weddings and know that a card is expected at the very minimum.

Post # 8
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

@HoneysHoney:  I would put it down to men being men. Maybe they got so busy on the day that they completely forgot, and heir SOs just assumed they had given your husband the card already?

I know when I was MOH for my best friend I completely forgot the card. I had to send Fi to the nearest store to buy one between the ceremony and reception.

 

Post # 9
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Only… 4 i think out of 9 BMs/ GM gave us anything. I didn’t think anything of it. They just didn’t think to do it.

Post # 10
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Etiquette Snob here… lol

The short answer to your Question…

YES, a gift should have come to you from the Groomsman / Groomsmen.  In the very least a card, in so much as Gifts are truly meant to be “optional” overall.

— — —

As per “Traditional Etiquette” there are specific responsibilities for the Best Man, Groomsmen, and Ushers.

Infact normally the Groomsmen would also pool their resources and give the Groom a gift as well (although, if the expenses for the Wedding have been high… ie they had a long way to travel to get to the Destination, then the Gift to the Grooom, could be deemed in kind)

Anyhow…

Here is a run down of the “traditonal elements” (as well as the Couple’s Responsibilities on the other side):

NOTE – Traditional Etiquette is not necessarily modern etiquette… but it tends to be a tad “nicer”.  If you are looking for a classier affair this is the route to go.  Also be aware, that Etiquette is a CHOICE… one can always make another choice, knowing however to do so there may be risks involved (ie offending someone).  So risks should always be weighed against your Guest List… ONLY YOU know your Guests best.

THE BRIDE & GROOM – RESPONSIBILITIES & EXPENSES (to the BP – The Men)

* Thank You Gifts for the Attendants **

* Accommodations for the Bridal Party (often 2 Nights if there is a Rehearsal Dinner / Party)

* Transportation of the Bridal Party from Accommodations to Ceremony Site – Ceremony Site to Reception – and Reception to Accommodations

* Bouts

* Matching / Specialty Ties, Socks and Gloves if worn by the men in the Bridal Party.

* Cost of the Bachelor Dinner (different from a Bachelor Party… similar to the Bride’s Luncheon)

* Extending to any member of the Bridal Party over the age of 18 the courtesy of bringing a Guest to the Wedding (and that Guest can be anyone of their choosing… Hubby, Fiancée, Long Term GF, random Date… or even their Mother IF that is who they wish to spend the Weekend with… it is THEIR CHOICE… and not yours to judge.  This is one of the perks of being in the BP and giving of their time to your Wedding)

* Making sure that the Groomsmen and their “dates” (see above) are included at the Rehearsal Dinner … or whatever form of Meet & Greet is planned before the Wedding

THE BRIDAL PARTY – RESPONSIBILITIES & EXPENSES (BP Men)

 * Purchase or Rental of Wedding Attire ***

* Arranges and pays for own Transportation to the Wedding Destination

* Contribution to a Gift for the Groom (often a pooled gift with other Men in the Bridal Party)

* Individual Gift to the Couple

* Attendance / Contribution towards the Bachelor Dinner or Party (if one is given)

* Responsible for their Fittings

* Arrive to Appointments Promptly

* Makes sure that other the other men in the Bridal Party are on time for Appointments (knows the schedule)

* Arrive to Dressing Site on Wedding Day Promptly

* Participate in Professional Photo Shots

* Dance with Bridesmaids & Single Guests (optional / courteous)

* Help out with Elderly Guests if needed

BEST MAN – ADDITIONAL RESPONSIBILITIES & EXPENSES

* Acts as a Witness to the Marriage Ceremony (if required)

* Makes sure that the Groom is properly dressed and groomed on the Wedding Day.  Also responsible for getting the Groom to the Wedding Location on time.

* Responsible for the Wedding Ring(s).  If there is a Ring Bearer then it is the Best Man who ensures that the Ring(s) are attached securely to the Pillow.

* Helps the Bride & Groom into their “getaway car” at the Ceremony.  May also be required to drive said car if there is no Chauffeur / Driver.

* Usually is the one charged with holding the envelopes to pay for the Officiant.

* Makes the first Toast at the Wedding Reception to the Newlyweds.  Also the person to read aloud any Telegrams, Emails and such from those unable to attend but have sent their Best Wishes.  On occasion if needed, will act as the emcee.

* First man to dance with the Bride after the Groom, her Father, and Father-in-law

* May assist the Groom in changing his clothes from his Wedding Attire to Going Away Clothing.  The Best Man typically ensures that any rentals by the Groom are returned.

* Helps with getting the Groom organized for his Honeymoon.  May help him pack, that he has the Airline Tickets, Wallet, Credit Cards, and anything he needs as he departs the Reception.  Generally assists in any way that he can in regards to the couple leaving for their Honeymoon from the reception (ie ensures that their car is packed, and hidden from practical jokers)… or gives them a lift to the airport etc.

 — — —

** Thank You Gifts to the Groomsmen should not be something that has chosen for them as part of the Wedding itself… ie Tie, Socks, Gloves.

A Thank You Gift should be chosen for each individual member of the Bridal Party… as part of the friendship bond you share.  It should never be matchy-matchy… it should be chosen with much more care. 

=== === ===

As I say this is the Traditonal List… and therefore the “nicer” one in regards to the Etiquette… but there is no denying it is also usually more expensive than the modern interpretation (ie providing accommodations for the Bridal Party)

I do find tho, that between adding on the niceities, and laying out such things upfront to a Bridal Party, who is responsible for waht, means there are less misunderstandings, resentment, arguments, and drama.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 11
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@HoneysHoney:  Men typically don’t write cards.  If it weren’t for me, my fiancé wouldn’t give cards to anyone.

Post # 12
Member
8707 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Our bridal party didn’t give us anything.

Their presence was a gift enough. We don’t need even more recongnition that we got married.

“Congrats on your marriage! I was totally there, btw.” Seems a bit redundant. 

Post # 13
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@This Time Round:  I think it would be better is you prefaced your posts like this with traditional American/Canadian/whatever custom because a lot of what you wrote is not true for half of the world and could give misinformation to a reader. 

Post # 14
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @j_jaye:  fair enough… I usually tuck something in there… about North America, looks like I forgot this time.  Thanks for catching that.

 

Post # 15
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I wouldn’t think much of it – they stood up for you, that’s the important part. 

Post # 16
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

For some reason I wasn’t as irked about not receiving gifts from members of the bridal party (only 2 of them) as I was about regular guests. My brother who was a groomsmen didn’t get us a gift, and I am 100% certain that it was because he honestly didn’t know any better. 

For what it’s worth though, we did receive a (very thoughtful and sentimental) gift from the best man 3 months after the wedding, so I wouldn’t write them off just yet.

 

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